greaterdevil Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 hey all. i posted back in January about some jealousy and insecurity i was feeling about my girlfriend's (now fiancé) ex being in her life. got some great advice and the situation was resolved in the best way i could have hoped. so here is my current "problem". my fiancé is going on a five day trip with a couple of girlfriends for a conference. this isn't an issue, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the fact that it is being held at a resort that includes nude, coed hot springs. not to mention the fact that it is outside of cellphone reception. I don't know what im really looking for--validation, I guess? i talked to her about it last night and told her i was kind of uncomfortable with the idea of her going to a nude hot spring without me. i feel like she could've been a little more understanding, considering i am not over jealous (I don't think). she kinda got defensive and just said "what do you want me to do about it? do you want me to NOT soak in the hot springs with my friends?" i guess in a way this is what i want... but maybe i am being a prude. I know that I don't have anything to worry about, it just makes me kind of uncomfortable to think of her naked around other naked guys without me being there. i guess a compromise could be her wearing a swimsuit, although no one else would be. would this make you uncomfortable or jealous, in my situation? I'm not going to ask her not to soak, or not to soak naked if that's what she wants. i just needed to get it out. I'm obsessing a little over it. also I should bring up that my ex cheated on me on a similar conference type thing two years ago, although i think the nudity would bother either way. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Would be TOTALLY inappropriate for me! NO frickin way. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 she kinda got defensive and just said "what do you want me to do about it? do you want me to NOT soak in the hot springs with my friends?" My answer would be a firm and strong yes I do not want you to soak in the hot sprigs with naked men. I know that I don't have anything to worry about And you know this how? it just makes me kind of uncomfortable to think of her naked around other naked guys without me being there. i guess a compromise could be her wearing a swimsuit, although no one else would be. would this make you uncomfortable or jealous, in my situation? What do you call a guy that is more concerned with being called jealous than he is in establishing reasonable relationship boundaries? Answer: a cuckold. I should bring up that my ex cheated on me on a similar conference type thing two years ago, although i think the nudity would bother either way. I am sure you though that you had nothing to worry about at that conference either. Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 1. Take time of work/ call in sick but go with her. 2. Don't agree in her going. 3. Let her go and be cuckolded. 4. Let her go and be cuckolded. 5. Simply run and save yourself grieve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 greaterdevil, my fiancé is going on a five day trip with a couple of girlfriends for a conference. this isn't an issue, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the fact that it is being held at a resort that includes nude, coed hot springs. not to mention the fact that it is outside of cellphone reception. ^^^^^ This sounds very dodgy. What's the conference about, is it work-related? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 (edited) My answer would be a firm and strong yes I do not want you to soak in the hot sprigs with naked men. Yes, that would be my exact response as well. I know that I don't have anything to worry about, it just makes me kind of uncomfortable to think of her naked around other naked guys without me being there. Can you see how contradictory this is? You trust her, but you don't trust her around other men? Edited August 19, 2015 by PegNosePete 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 What kind of work has a conference at a nude hot spring ? If it really is work related then they would be aware that some people are not going to participate in being nude and it certainly shouldn't affect her work. As far as your reaction...I'm one of the least jealous people one would meet and I can tell you I would have a problem with it unless the lifestyle that we lived was one of nudity. I wouldn't be jealous, I just think it is an inappropriate behavior for someone who is either married or engaged to be married or in a relationship with a SO. What to do about it ? does she see your point at all ? if she doesn't then you might want to figure out why and if she is really wanting to be married to you.. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Are you kidding me??? What kind of business has meeting with nude co ed spas??? And she is going with "girlfriends". Who are these girlfriends?? Single or married. It sounds to me like she is planning on acting like she is on Spring Break. Who ever heard of an engaged woman or married woman going nude with other men and it being acceptable. If you sit there and put up with this you are in store for a lot of pain my friend. I'd tell her she has three choices (1) cancel this trip (2) take you which she will not want to do because that would spoil her fun (3) tell her that if she goes she will be taking a polygraph when she returns and if she fails the engagement is over But most of all you need to find out why if she is in a committed relationship she needs to get the ego kibbles of parading around naked in front of other men. If you do not get that one answered she will continue this whether she goes or not. Why would you marry anyone who before you are married has shown you that she needs this external validation to the point of going to nude resorts without you.?? You have a lot of thinking and soul searching to do because you are in a little fog of your own to have to come here to get our opinions on if this is OK. You're about to become one of these "super enlightened" non controlling guys who winds up with a cheating wife or fiance because you don't want to appear unreasonable. Going out with friends to a bar is one thing. This crosses the line 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 What kind of business has meeting with nude co ed spas??? Any business conference that is in Germany, Iceland, or similar countries where that is quite normal practice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Just because it is available has nothing to do with her participating . So what difference does it make what friggin country it is in PNP if you think its fine for your wife or girlfriend to naked with other men you are probably in the minority here . OP posted here because he is not comfortable . They have swingers clubs everywhere . Ok if she goes to one of those She has a choice to not parade around naked in front of other me. If her fiancé is not comfortable with it and where he is located makes no Damm difference Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Just because it is available has nothing to do with her participating . So what difference does it make what friggin country it is in No need for the aggression. It makes a difference because it is part of normal culture in certain parts of the world. Many people are assuming that it is not a genuine business conference because there is a nude spa. That is not necessarily the case. Nude spas are common features in many hotels in many parts of the world. The presence of a nude spa does not mean it is a swingers club or some seedy "massage" parlour or a spring break destination. They are present in 5 star hotels, in fact in Germany you'd be hard pressed to find a 5 star hotel with a spa that's not nude. PNP if you think its fine for your wife or girlfriend to naked with other men you are probably in the minority here . No I do not and if you read my first reply you will say I have quite clearly stated that. As you state, just because it's there doesn't mean she has to partake. The spa would most likely be for after-conference relaxation and she could quite easily skip it. They have swingers clubs everywhere What's that got to do with the price of fish? Swingers clubs have nothing to do with nude spas. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Well, OP, is this an issue to break up your engagement and dump her over? If it is, then get to it. If it's not, then figure out a way to deal with this if you need her in your life that badly. My ex went to a nude resort for his 50th birthday and I wasn't invited along. He went with his friends--who all were turning 50 within 2 weeks of one another. OK.. 3 single dudes at a nude resort... what kind of problems could that cause? You know what I did? I put it out of my mind. There was no point in creating a scene when 1. I could not go and play warden to make sure women weren't coming onto him; and 2. if he is going to cheat, he'll do it 5 minutes from here with his clothes on. I wouldn't have put it past him to have done something, but I wasn't going to get my blood pressure up over speculation, so I didn't. When I turned 50, I went to that same resort and I told him "I'm going to be there on my birthday. Would be nice if you could be there, but I'm letting you know now that whether or not you can make it, I'm going to be there". And I was. With him--he figured it out. Here's the thing, though: I wasn't there nor was I open to finding anyone else. I was there for an all over tan and relaxation. I don't think I said more than 3 sentences to anyone outside of the staff when checking in and out. After the first 15 minutes of getting used to people of all shapes and sizes not having clothes on, it's just like people wearing clothes--you don't pay attention anymore. (What I will say to the women is to wear your diamonds, girls... ...and get it waxed. That was the only "dress code" I noticed while there.) OP==your girl is going to cheat 5 minutes from your house if she's of the mind to cheat on you. Being at a nude resort doesn't mean that everyone there is screwing each other. Some people just like to not wear clothes and be outside in the sun where no one is going to call the police on them for doing so. I haven't read your past posts and don't have time this morning to do so, but has she ever given you a reason why she can't be trusted? Is she that lame that she will land on the business end of some guy's johnson after a fit of anmesia? If she's that weak, then why are you even dealing with such a one? That's just too much work over someone who should exercise the discipline of an adult. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I think you either trust her or you don't. You're going to come off as a controlling b*stard if you "prohibit" her from going into the hot springs. Imagine what'd she have to tell her friends if she abided by that. "My fiancee says I can't." And her friends go, "Wow, what a d*ck." Do you think none of them are in relationships or married? More likely, she'd just do it anyway and have to lie about it to you b/c she knows you can't handle it. She's your fiancee. That means you should trust her absolutely. It's not wrong or unnatural for you to feel discomfort about this, but I think you should set it aside. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I personally wouldn't have an issue with this, but I've spent time at clothing optional hot springs up and down the west coast USA, and in my experience there is nothing sexual about them. The idea that these are swingers parties is not accurate, in my experience, and people don't typically go around parading themselves naked in front of others. They use towels to cover themselves when they are not in the springs. Alcohol is generally not acceptable, and you don't have to mingle with the other people if you don't want to. Personal space and boundaries are usually respected. To the OP, I suggest finding out more about the conference and the place they are going to, and discussing with his fiance what behavior is appropriate to him, and what type of behavior is inappropriate to him. For example, he may be comfortable with her being in the springs when there are other women around, but uncomfortable with her being alone in a spring with another man. That would be a simple boundary for her to respect, to only be in the springs with other women present. If the hot springs are a popular, well known place, there shouldn't be any sleaziness to it. And if it is a paid place with a staff, rather than one of the more natural ones, they don't have a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior. There are strict rules to be followed. Also, like someone else said, you either trust her or you don't. Hot springs aren't going to make her be unfaithful any more than drinking at a hotel bar would. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 No need for the aggression. It makes a difference because it is part of normal culture in certain parts of the world. Many people are assuming that it is not a genuine business conference because there is a nude spa. That is not necessarily the case. Nude spas are common features in many hotels in many parts of the world. The presence of a nude spa does not mean it is a swingers club or some seedy "massage" parlour or a spring break destination. They are present in 5 star hotels, in fact in Germany you'd be hard pressed to find a 5 star hotel with a spa that's not nude. No I do not and if you read my first reply you will say I have quite clearly stated that. As you state, just because it's there doesn't mean she has to partake. The spa would most likely be for after-conference relaxation and she could quite easily skip it. What's that got to do with the price of fish? Swingers clubs have nothing to do with nude spas. We live next to the German border, we go often. Most luxury hotels have pool and sauna. Nude spa rarely. Now in Hamburg at the reeperbahn . Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 One man wouldn't care about it, the the other would care. There is no rule about it. Try to figure out what exactly bothers you, 1. Are the conference participants mixed men and women? 2. Is she going to naked where other men can watch? 3. Can other men can watch her from very close, while being near her at the same pool? 4. Will she be naked in front of men she knows? 5. Does it bother you that she goes for 5 days without you, nude or not? After that think with yourself what can you compromise about. It's good to compromise because it shows that you care for each other. If one of is stubborn and don't move an inch... well, you got yourself a big problem in your relationship. After all that being said, I think you should set your boundaries and go along with them. If you don't agree that your fiance be close naked with other men looking at her - Tell her calmly that it is a deal breaker for you. And be willing to take responsibility if she still refuses. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Is this a work conference?!? I've NEVER heard of a work conference taking place at a nude resort! That's a law suit and a half waiting to happen! No company would be stupid enough to have a conference at one of those. I think she's feeding you a line of BS. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 In today's litigious and ultra PC business climate her place of work is having a conference at a nude resort. Think about it and ask yourself is this sounds even remotely believable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I know that I don't have anything to worry about. Then if you have nothing to worry about, what are you asking advice for? Just don't worry. Problem solved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Is this a work conference?!? I've NEVER heard of a work conference taking place at a nude resort! That's a law suit and a half waiting to happen! No company would be stupid enough to have a conference at one of those. I think she's feeding you a line of BS. Reading comprehension 101 The facility at which the conference takes place has a clothing optional spa/hot spring. That is not the same as a "nude resort." Countries other than the US commonly have these. I wouldn't be ok with it either, but people really need to read. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 hey all. i posted back in January about some jealousy and insecurity i was feeling about my girlfriend's (now fiancé) ex being in her life. got some great advice and the situation was resolved in the best way i could have hoped. so here is my current "problem". my fiancé is going on a five day trip with a couple of girlfriends for a conference. this isn't an issue, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the fact that it is being held at a resort that includes nude, coed hot springs. not to mention the fact that it is outside of cellphone reception. I don't know what im really looking for--validation, I guess? i talked to her about it last night and told her i was kind of uncomfortable with the idea of her going to a nude hot spring without me. i feel like she could've been a little more understanding, considering i am not over jealous (I don't think). she kinda got defensive and just said "what do you want me to do about it? do you want me to NOT soak in the hot springs with my friends?" i guess in a way this is what i want... but maybe i am being a prude. I know that I don't have anything to worry about, it just makes me kind of uncomfortable to think of her naked around other naked guys without me being there. i guess a compromise could be her wearing a swimsuit, although no one else would be. would this make you uncomfortable or jealous, in my situation? I'm not going to ask her not to soak, or not to soak naked if that's what she wants. i just needed to get it out. I'm obsessing a little over it. also I should bring up that my ex cheated on me on a similar conference type thing two years ago, although i think the nudity would bother either way. thanks. She is going with girls, and cheated before !!!!!!!!!!! Dutchman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Any business conference that is in Germany, Iceland, or similar countries where that is quite normal practice. Fair enough, but if it is not in "Germany, Iceland, or similar countries" then it is quite an abnormal practice. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Fair enough, but if it is not in "Germany, Iceland, or similar countries" then it is quite an abnormal practice. It's not abnormal--it's just different to what you're accustomed to doing. Not far from where I live, in Virginia, there is a Korean spa that is no clothes. No swim suits or trunks. Bare. It's open 24/7/365. It's a very popular spot for relaxing and taking in the waters. Some people aren't intimidated by flesh-- that doesn't mean they're abnormal. Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It's not abnormal--it's just different to what you're accustomed to doing. Not far from where I live, in Virginia, there is a Korean spa that is no clothes. No swim suits or trunks. Bare. It's open 24/7/365. It's a very popular spot for relaxing and taking in the waters. Some people aren't intimidated by flesh-- that doesn't mean they're abnormal. What would be abnormal is that a company would force its employees to attend a conference in such a place in a country where this is not common practice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It's not abnormal--it's just different to what you're accustomed to doing. Not far from where I live, in Virginia, there is a Korean spa that is no clothes. No swim suits or trunks. Bare. It's open 24/7/365. It's a very popular spot for relaxing and taking in the waters. Some people aren't intimidated by flesh-- that doesn't mean they're abnormal. Although there are exceptions, such things are not a normal practice in the United States. Just like you can give examples of people in open marriages in the United States, most people in this country would not be OK with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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