jacket724 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 So basically, me and my gf have been committed for almost 2 years now. Both 20. We're both the goody good types. I've never been drunk and she's only been drunk twice in her entire life. About 4 months ago she "kind of" cheated on me. Everyone says she didn't cheat but just crossed lines, which I can totally see why they say that. But imo (which is what matters), she DID cheat. My gf made a thread about it on this site months ago when it happened but I can't find it right now so I'll sum up what happened. - Gf went to a beach party with her friends, i was busy that night. She got drunk. - She was lying in the sand looking up at the sky when this friend of a friend came and laid down next to her. They talked about perfectly platonic stuff (uni and such), gf had no feelings towards him. I know him too and he has zero game. - Dude basically thought it would be a good idea to roll on top of her (not face to face, his face was going into her armpit). He was very drunk too. He commented on how his dick is touching her leg to which she just awkwardly laughed. Gf says she remembers thinking "I should push him off but i don't wanna be a b*tch" and so she didn't. - She guesses this went on from somewhere between 15 seconds - 3 mins but doesn't remember. Someone threw a condom at them and at this point she pushed him off and got up suddenly. - She then went to the dance floor with the same guy. They lost each other and never danced but she danced with other friends and acquaintances. At this point, this random drunken acquaintance put his hands on her waist whilst dancing and called her cute and though she felt flattered she pulled away immediately because "it felt wrong". - She then went to sit on a bench with some friends (girls) and the first guy showed up. He put his arm around her shoulders and she reciprocated because she thought he was just being friendly. Eventually she left to go back to the dance floor again with her friends and left the guy after about 5 mins and never saw him again. When I found out about all this I was very shocked that she got so close to other guys. I felt very hurt and jealous because to me; she wasn't the person I thought she was. Although now I can type all that without any hurtful feelings or anything. It's been months but I still get resentment building up from time to time. For the last 1-2 months there was very little to no resentment but it returned again this week and I finally asked her for a break. I don't know what to do. At one point I can see she didn't cheat but on the other all I can think about is that she didn't push off that guy that was freakin on top of her!! She says she had zero intentions of being sexual with anyone and she didn't have any cheating thoughts at all. I can't figure out whether I should end this relationship or not. She didn't cheat in the traditional sense and she pulled away but she didn't push off the guy because she didn't realize he was into her as their convos were so platonic. What do you guys suggest? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 What we suggest is irrelevant. Can you forgive her for what she did? I don't just mean say you've forgiven her, I mean really forgive her. If you can then you need to move past this. If you can't then you need to end the relationship because it will keep coming back to haunt you again and again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I remember your girlfriend's thread. What should you do? Get some individual counselling. Not because you're you're 'messed up' or 'irrational,' but to help you get some clarity and perspective on this issue, and to find a way forward. Even just a handful of sessions could be a big help. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I'd be careful when investing into a girl who says that she didn't know a guy's intentions. A guy dancing with you while you're piss poor drunk, getting touchy afterwards, aguy laying on top of her - sorry, but what if another time she only realizes what she's doing when she's waking up in someone's bed the next morning? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I believe THIS may have been the thread you were referring to? If that is the case, then my comments on the thread may have come to fruition. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/524968-got-intimate-2-guys-whilst-drunk-cheating Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I remember the story that you Gf put here. If we take the good things, (She feels remorse, she came to you and told you, she was drunk, she didn't do much really), I think what happened doesn't say that she is a cheater, or a liar, or anything you should be alerted about. It's about your feelings. I can tell you only that - There is no such a thing as a perfect relationship. Knowing that, you should prefer to absorb small pains, that will be useful for you both to be more careful about the bigger ones. I really believe that some minor "stepping the on the border lines" from time to time can strengthen your relationship for the long run. Sometimes you wish that children will fall on the sand in the kindergarten and practice their balance, instead of not practicing at all and to be left with no skills, when balance is needed to save their lives later on. All this is on he condition that you actually can forgive and really drop it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Did she direct you to come here? Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 After reading the other thread, I'd probably forgive and forget this whole scenario. It sounds like she is remorseful of her actions and has made efforts to make amends. I'd be more concerned with her ability to handle her alcohol and her lack of boundaries while drinking than I would be the possibility of her cheating in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
superdub Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Dump her. My ex-wife cheated during a crappy marriage and I think my last girlfriend was a cheater, I just never caught her. Not worth the effort, time or heartache. Just boot her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) 10 characters Edited August 12, 2015 by drifter777 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 But imo (which is what matters), she DID cheat. What do you guys suggest? I remember the thread. While I am in the camp that says your GF did not cheat, that doesn't matter. The quoted line above is all that matters. You think she cheated on you. You can't get passed it. Accordingly, you need to end this relationship because it's not working for you. If you don't want to end the relationship you have to forgive her & put it behind you. You can't punish her for it forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacket724 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Update: I suggested we have a break where I can see if I can come to terms with what happened and she agreed. So for now we're on a break. I mentioned earlier that I think it was cheating. I no longer think that. HOWEVER, I still think it was a betrayal and to me, the two are extremely similar. The latter being not as bad since in this case it seems unintentional. She told me that just before the guy got on top of her, he was actually getting up to leave but he "tripped" onto her (I reckon the guy planned this 100%) and fell onto her. She expected him to get off but he didn't. She didn't push him off because she felt like she'd be a bitch if she did that. She also added that she didn't see him as being into her or trying to get it on with her at any point since their conversation was so platonic, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten so close to him. It sounds pretty crazy that she didn't realize he was trying to hook up when he "fell" on top but it makes sense since she thought it was an accident and he'll get off. She's a really nice girl (bit of a people please as you could probably tell) and had no intentions of cheating as far as I can see. Now that I have a reason as to why she let these things happen, I feel I can get over it. But I wanted a break so I can really evaluate my feelings about this objectively. If I still get resentment, I'll probably hang up the boots and move. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 . But I wanted a break so I can really evaluate my feelings about this objectively. If I still get resentment, I'll probably hang up the boots and move. If that is what you think will work for you, fine. But in my experience, breaks make things worse. When you have a problem as a couple you have to work together to fix it as a couple. Going off by yourself allows your mind to wander & dredge up garbage that is worse then what actually happened. A break is really training wheels for a break up because the person who wants this time out is either too spineless to break it off cleanly or is trying to test their options to make sure they can not have a hardship without the other person. I do hope you find what you are looking for but I Q your methodology. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 She told me that just before the guy got on top of her, he was actually getting up to leave but he "tripped" onto her (I reckon the guy planned this 100%) and fell onto her. She expected him to get off but he didn't. She didn't push him off because she felt like she'd be a bitch if she did that. I've heard more believable stories on the Sci Fi channel. Seriously they have giant piranhas that eat sharks in tornadoes and stuff. Those movies are WAY more believable than that crock of shiznit she told you about it being accidental and not wanting to be a bitch. Pathetic excuse. If you believe this then I have a Nigerian friend with a case full of dirty money who'd like a word with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Did she cheat? Meh....hard to say. But, one thing is certain, that wasn't an "accident" If it was, then that would be one thing. But, if it was just an "innocent accident" then no one would associate throwing a condom at them as a joke. Therefore, it must have looked like a very "intimate accident". But then she goes on the dance floor with the same guy?!? So, I think she was "downplaying" the event to make it seem not as bad as how it truly looked. But, I agree with the others. If you want to try and work it out with her, then "taking a break" isn't the answer. You two should be working together to fix this. I mean, that's what long term partners do, that's what engage couples do and that's what married folks do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacket724 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 The thing is that there seems to be no other explanation. She's had issues her entire life about wanting to fit in, and quite frankly, she didn't have the backbone initially to push him off. She was trying to be friends with this guy as he's in her classes and she doesn't have many friends. The party was thrown by her Med school class but they didn't know each other until that night. The guy knew she had a bf as she told him that before he got on top. Also worth mentioning that before he got on top, at some point, when they were talking he put his head on her out stretched arm but gf pulled her arm back. She even remembers him raising his head to let her pull it back. The condom was thrown by these people that were prompting safe sex that night. They were trying to create something between them and I mean yeah a guy was on top of her so it must have looked intimate regardless of whether it was an accident or not. I did bring up why she didn't ditch the guy after the condoms and she said that she didn't realize he was into her. She just thought he wanted to be friends. I believe her completely to not be telling me any lies. She's been honest to me. But her judgment could definitely be off. I believe that she didn't want to cheat but if I don't have an explanation as to why she didn't push him off I can't ever move past this. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 The condom was thrown by these people that were prompting safe sex that night. They were trying to create something between them and I mean yeah a guy was on top of her so it must have looked intimate regardless of whether it was an accident or not. I did bring up why she didn't ditch the guy after the condoms and she said that she didn't realize he was into her. She just thought he wanted to be friends. See, that's why I love coming here because I learn something new everyday. I never knew that if I want to be friends with a girl, All I have to do is lay on top of her and press my penis into her thigh and make a joke about it. INSTANT FRIENDS!! WHO KNEW?!?!? Dude, that's a pretty weak ass excuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Jacket I am going to respond here assuming THIS was the thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/524968-got-intimate-2-guys-whilst-drunk-cheating If so I commented on it more than once. I am sorry you find yourself here. If this is the thread I warned her about the consequences of minimizing things and not being upfront. Did she quit the drinking as she announced to us that she would? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacket724 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Jacket I am going to respond here assuming THIS was the thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/524968-got-intimate-2-guys-whilst-drunk-cheating If so I commented on it more than once. I am sorry you find yourself here. If this is the thread I warned her about the consequences of minimizing things and not being upfront. Did she quit the drinking as she announced to us that she would? Yeah ahe did, hasn't touched alcohol once since then. Just last night her friends all went out to drinks after dinner but she opted to go home so she's definitely made changes to her lifestyle. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Umm... it sounds like she got far too drunk and guys were trying hard to take advantage of her... she might have let them get a little too close, but I think suggesting that she cheated is pretty harsh. She clearly feels regret for any part she played in it, and doesn't seem like she'll do it again. I know everyone is saying you should follow your gut, but screw that, if this is the worst issue in your relationship, get over it. We live in the real world... read the threads on here about people actually having affairs. Odds are if you dump her, you're just as likely to get a girl who will actually cheat on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 ^^^ some good points^^^ Again, did she cheat? Meh.... depends on how you look at it. Good definition of cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other, then that's cheating. If she walked in on you laying on top of another girl, I'm sure she wouldn't be too happy about that. However, if she is remorseful and is showing you that she's willing to do the heavy lifting. Then what I said still stands, you two should be working this issue together, not apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I totally agree with Chi Town. This is a maturing step as well. Talk with each other and communicate with each other what you need from the R. If you learn nothing else from this, learn to do that. This can be a growing closer opportunity instead of a destructive crash. It is a choice, your choice. If you love and want her, call her (not text) and tell her you have rethought it and want to work together to build a stronger relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
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