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Girlfriend 'cheated' before becoming offical


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So, I've been together with my girlfriend for over a month now, we have been dating for about 2.5 months. It already was clear pretty quickly on that we were very into each other and we even in a way said that we'd be exclusive (did not 100% say it like that, but I assumed we both understood it). However, a week after we make this agreement, and a couple weeks before we became official, she kissed someone else. She wanted to tell me the day after it happened, since she felt very guilty about it, but didn't, since she was afraid of my reaction.

 

Now however, she has finally revealed it. I got quite upset about it, as in my book I consider it cheating, since even though we were not official yet, we both knew we were in a way bf/gf. She however is very regretful, and I agree that it is something out of the ordinary for her to do. She agreed to completely block this other guy out of her life (we had a few discussions about him in the past, used to be someone she dated, but I always trusted her when she said he was just a good friend. Even though he still wanted her, she said she was not interested at all).

 

Anyone has any advice on this? I think I do can trust her again, but atm my rage about is is only increasing, even though she has told me about a week ago now.

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Two questions:

 

1. How did you exactly make this agreement to be exclusive before you were official?

 

2. Is you GF saying you weren't exclusive before you were official?

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well, if she's playing the "we really weren't official yet" is kind of a cop out justification.

 

 

If she admitted she felt guilty about it tells me that she knew it was wrong. Therefore, at THAT time she felt that you two were BF/GF or else she wouldn't have felt guilty about it. She's using technicalities as a way to try and ease her guilt.

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autumnnight

2.5 months of dating, and she kissed someone early in that 2.5 months of dating.

 

Bad judgment? Yep. Cheating? no

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Clarence_Boddicker

You're either 100% exclusive or not. That's got to be a mutual decision, not by one party. So, were you guys exclusive by a mutual agreement at the time she kissed her ex or not?

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It already was clear pretty quickly on that we were very into each other and we even in a way said that we'd be exclusive (did not 100% say it like that, but I assumed we both understood it). However, a week after we make this agreement, and a couple weeks before we became official, she kissed someone else.

 

Assume makes an ass out of u and me.

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PegNosePete

Whether it's technically cheating or not, if someone I was dating for over a month kissed someone else, they would be smoke in my rear view mirror.

 

Exclusivity, cheating, official... it's all just a smokescreen to justify low class behaviour in my opinion. Not someone I would be interested in seeing again.

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However, a week after we make this agreement, and a couple weeks before we became official, she kissed someone else. She wanted to tell me the day after it happened, since she felt very guilty about it, but didn't, since she was afraid of my reaction.
The very fact that she did not tell you because "she was afraid" of your reaction, confirms 100% that she knew that the two of you were exclusive official or not official. Cheaters often try to hide behind technicalities and word games to minimize fully taking the blame for their cheating. Stop playing this game by no longer mentioning the not official thing, and focus instead only on the two of you having agreed to being exclusive prior to her cheating with this other man (OM).

 

 

She however is very regretful, and I agree that it is something out of the ordinary for her to do.
Sorry but after only a few months, you do not know if this is "out of the ordinary" for her.

 

She agreed to completely block this other guy out of her life (we had a few discussions about him in the past, used to be someone she dated, but I always trusted her when she said he was just a good friend. Even though he still wanted her, she said she was not interested at all).
Her still seeing a guy that she was dating, and that made it clear that he still wanted a romantic relationship with her, by claiming that he magically was just a "good friend", shows that she has weak boundaries. You need to sit her down and agree on reasonable opposite sex friend boundaries going forward that among other things excludes former romantic interests.
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If you weren't really bf and gf yet (assuming doesn't really count), it's not cheating.

 

That being said, I can understand wanting someone with compatible views on exclusivity. I don't date multiple people at the same time and I'm not interested in guys who would do that. So I would probably bail in your position - not because it's cheating, but because it'd denote a huge incompatibility.

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She mislead you and was afraid to tell you because she knew it's wrong! She cheated and lied. So, let's not be too technical, your feelings are very understandable.

 

She decided to confess eventually, it's also means that she knows it's wrong. The good thing is she is regretful and feels remorse, and voluntarily told you about it, also she agrees to cut contact and everything. these are all good signs...

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So, I've been together with my girlfriend for over a month now, we have been dating for about 2.5 months. It already was clear pretty quickly on that we were very into each other and we even in a way said that we'd be exclusive (did not 100% say it like that, but I assumed we both understood it). However, a week after we make this agreement, and a couple weeks before we became official, she kissed someone else. She wanted to tell me the day after it happened, since she felt very guilty about it, but didn't, since she was afraid of my reaction.

 

Now however, she has finally revealed it. I got quite upset about it, as in my book I consider it cheating, since even though we were not official yet, we both knew we were in a way bf/gf. She however is very regretful, and I agree that it is something out of the ordinary for her to do. She agreed to completely block this other guy out of her life (we had a few discussions about him in the past, used to be someone she dated, but I always trusted her when she said he was just a good friend. Even though he still wanted her, she said she was not interested at all).

 

Anyone has any advice on this? I think I do can trust her again, but atm my rage about is is only increasing, even though she has told me about a week ago now.

 

Several times, as proven by the bolded text, you state you were not officially a couple. You ASSUMED you both were on the same page but obviously that wasn't the case. How could it be when you weren't bf/gf? Heading in that direction - yes. There yet? No! If you had not followed through and became a couple, do you think you should be considered an a$$ since you weren't officially a couple to start with?? I highly doubt it, bc you hadn't made an official commitment.

 

Your gf has a conscience though, one that is so overwhelmingly dominant she felt compelled to disclose something that happened BEFORE a commitment was FINALIZED! (also demonstrated by a bolded phrase) And, she is remorseful. What more can she do? She can not rewind time and undo it, so she did the next best thing, fessed up and apologized for actions done before a commitment was made. In my book, you've got a pretty decent girl. Had I done something prior to making a commitment and revealed it to my partner and he went into an ever increasing rage, we wouldn't be together long bc I'd end it. She didn't CHEAT, as you were NOT COMMITTED to one another.

 

In addition: people often date two or three people at a time bc dating does not equal committment until that discussion is finalized.

Edited by Methodical
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Two questions:

 

1. How did you exactly make this agreement to be exclusive before you were official?

 

2. Is you GF saying you weren't exclusive before you were official?

1. It was something that was implied by a lot of things (we originally found each other online, both decided to delete our accounts there, also agreed on calling each other "mine", as in "you're my girl, you're my man". Not sure exactly on the timeline anymore, but also pretty sure each thime we brought up someone else we could be hanging out with(just in a teasing manner) we were both like " Umm, no you better not do that!".

 

2. At first she did say "Well, in the beginning we weren't completely sure where we were, we were getting kinda serious..." but later when she saw how upset I was, she did say indeed it was cheating. Think she was hoping I would not see it like that before she bit the bullet on that one and called it that.

 

My main grievance is that she actually had a good make out session with him before she stopped it. It wasn't a few kisses before she " woke up" and stopped it. They were going at it for like 10 minutes or so. But I am happy she did finally own up to what she did.

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1. It was something that was implied by a lot of things (we originally found each other online, both decided to delete our accounts there, also agreed on calling each other "mine", as in "you're my girl, you're my man". Not sure exactly on the timeline anymore, but also pretty sure each thime we brought up someone else we could be hanging out with(just in a teasing manner) we were both like " Umm, no you better not do that!".

 

2. At first she did say "Well, in the beginning we weren't completely sure where we were, we were getting kinda serious..." but later when she saw how upset I was, she did say indeed it was cheating. Think she was hoping I would not see it like that before she bit the bullet on that one and called it that.

 

My main grievance is that she actually had a good make out session with him before she stopped it. It wasn't a few kisses before she " woke up" and stopped it. They were going at it for like 10 minutes or so. But I am happy she did finally own up to what she did.

 

That sounds like she genuinely believed you were heading in that direction but wasn't there yet, and you coerced her mindset to change to appease you.

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PegNosePete

Well, it's up to you whether you're prepared to accept her actions. Personally I wouldn't, but you will hear both sides on here, as you can see, different people have different opinions.

 

The only opinion you should listen to is your own. Do you consider it acceptable behaviour? If not then move on. If you can forgive her then put it behind you.

 

 

But whatever you do, do it because you truly believe it. Not because some person on the internet said it's OK or it's not OK in their opinion.

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Well, it's up to you whether you're prepared to accept her actions. Personally I wouldn't, but you will hear both sides on here, as you can see, different people have different opinions.

 

The only opinion you should listen to is your own. Do you consider it acceptable behaviour? If not then move on. If you can forgive her then put it behind you.

 

 

But whatever you do, do it because you truly believe it. Not because some person on the internet said it's OK or it's not OK in their opinion.

 

Nicely put, PNP, and so very true.

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lana-banana

So all she did was kiss another guy when you weren't even official and your "rage is only increasing"? I don't blame her for being afraid of your reaction. You've only been together two and a half months, which is barely long enough to be considered dating at all. Even after going out with the other guy she ultimately chose to be with you. Rage of any kind is wildly disproportionate.

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But whatever you do, do it because you truly believe it. Not because some person on the internet said it's OK or it's not OK in their opinion.

 

^^^^this^^^^

 

If you are going to be one of those guys that sees her kissing this man every time you look at her, or at night in your dreams, then end it, you will never get over it.

 

But if you see it as, everyone makes mistakes, you accept her apology and never give it a second thought, then go with it.

Some will never tell you much worse stuff than making out for 10 mins. She has been honest and it is hardly the crime of the century.

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Your clearly not comfortable with it. It will probably be on your mind for the rest of the relationship. I'd meet someone who has the same relationship tastes as you. Plenty of girls who wouldn't kiss another man, without having to formally declare being 'exclusive.'

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1. It was something that was implied by a lot of things (we originally found each other online, both decided to delete our accounts there, also agreed on calling each other "mine", as in "you're my girl, you're my man". Not sure exactly on the timeline anymore, but also pretty sure each thime we brought up someone else we could be hanging out with(just in a teasing manner) we were both like " Umm, no you better not do that!".

 

2. At first she did say "Well, in the beginning we weren't completely sure where we were, we were getting kinda serious..." but later when she saw how upset I was, she did say indeed it was cheating. Think she was hoping I would not see it like that before she bit the bullet on that one and called it that.

 

My main grievance is that she actually had a good make out session with him before she stopped it. It wasn't a few kisses before she " woke up" and stopped it. They were going at it for like 10 minutes or so. But I am happy she did finally own up to what she did.

 

Verdict: not cheating

 

Ok you have to do what you feel is right but let me give you this to consider. You could make up a story (which you're doing now) that she cheated on you and every time you see her all you can think of is her kissing someone else. That she betrayed you.

 

Does that story serve you? I think not. Or you could make up a story that goes like this: she didn't believe you were exclusive. She felt like you two were heading there. But she still wanted to explore things a bit with this other guy. She did. As you pointed out, it was a serious make out session. And guess what? She rejected him and chose you. She chose you over him. And it was an informed decision. Damn, you must be pretty great and she must really like you.

 

Which story serves you better?

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That sounds like she genuinely believed you were heading in that direction but wasn't there yet, and you coerced her mindset to change to appease you.

 

 

 

No, that's....what?! It's like two people that are engaged and they were genuinely headed in that direction towards the Altar but wasn't quite there yet. So, anything that he or she does before they get to the Altar doesn't count.

 

 

Or maybe I'm misreading you.

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autumnnight
No, that's....what?! It's like two people that are engaged and they were genuinely headed in that direction towards the Altar but wasn't quite there yet. So, anything that he or she does before they get to the Altar doesn't count.

 

 

Or maybe I'm misreading you.

 

So after approximately 10 weeks of dating, were they engaged? And this happened after about 4 weeks.

 

I understand that cheating is rampant and lots of females do it, but this seems a stretch to me.

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So after approximately 10 weeks of dating, were they engaged? And this happened after about 4 weeks.

 

I understand that cheating is rampant and lots of females do it, but this seems a stretch to me.

 

 

Fundamentally, it's not. I mean, it's a commitment. Whether it be a marriage, an engagement or just starting out dating. They say that dating is an audition for a possible marriage.

 

 

So, if what he's written is correct, they are saying terms to each other like, "You're MY girl" or "You're MY guy" I can see where he thought that he was mislead and I could see where he thought they were exclusive by using terms like that. Because she never said "You're MY guy....along with Tim, Mike and Steve".

 

 

And let's not dismiss the fact that she admitted that she felt guilty. I mean, TECHNICALLY they weren't exclusive. She wouldn't have a reason to feel that way. So, why did she feel guilty?

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autumnnight
So, why did she feel guilty?

 

Actually there could be a variety of reasons for that. Maybe she saw that he was hurt and felt guilty for the hurt. maybe she is one of those women who takes on the blame every time anyone around her is upset. maybe she wanted to keep the peace. None of us know.

 

So how far in is cheating considered cheating? I mean, if I have a couple of dates and kiss and then go out with someone else, am I now an adulteress. And does that work for the guy too?

 

One of the most prolific and oft-cited experts in this field says dating is an interview process, and it is not cheating/adultery if there is no marriage. I wouldn't go THAT far. But let's get real. In an adult relationship, 4 weeks is barely a relationship and 2 1/2 months is early in a relationship. I don't multidate, never did. But apparently that is the trend, so if you've only known each other a few weeks, it is unlikely everyone is exclusive.

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The problem is that you know and she knows you know.

 

Your in a lose lose now.

 

You let it slide and she sees you as a door mat kinda guy who has accepted her behaviour. You were in a relationship and she put out for another man. Ultimately she will lose respect for you and you lose respect for yourself by accepting the behaviour.

 

Or you let the girl go.

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If she did not consider herself to be in a relationship with you she wouldn't have told you.

 

She is essentially confessing to cheating very early in the relationship. The "but we hadn't officially made it official " is nonsense.

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