anifan Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 4 months. We moved in together a few months ago and things are just great with one exception. He was married before and he has a 4 year old son. The problem is that I am extrememly jealous and insecure about his former marriage. I absolutely hate the fact that he has to see and talk to his ex all the time because of his son. Also, I have so much resentment towards his son. I am jealous of him. It destroys me that his son is the most important thing in his life and I am not. I realize that is the way it should be but I just can't handle it. When he is around I become very cold and stand offish. I don't want to have anything to do with him. I try to be nice and normal but I just can't. My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married. I really want to marry him but I can't get over his previous life and all the baggage that comes with it. I am constantly picturing him with his ex-wife and I get so angry. I know he has had relationships before me but I can't stand it. I feel like I can't control my anger at all. All of these thoughts are in my head at all times. I am consumed by anger and jealousy. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the whole world and I really want to make this work but I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Originally posted by anifan I absolutely hate the fact that he has to see and talk to his ex all the time because of his son. Welp, this is part of it. He has to. Now unless inappropriate things are going on, you really have no reason to bitch, true? You knew when you hooked up with him, that this was his 'baggage'. Originally posted by anifan Also, I have so much resentment towards his son. I am jealous of him. Don't be jealous of him. He's a child and needs lots of attention. Be glad you've found a man that has responsibilities to that child. Some men don't. Originally posted by anifan It destroys me that his son is the most important thing in his life and I am not. I realize that is the way it should be but I just can't handle it. Says who? Who said love your child more than your mate? That's fuct. How about love your mate more than your child so that you show that child what love IS and one day when that kiddo is gone, you still have an undying love for one another??? It's in the BIBLE. Teach that child the discipline of love, it's the best gift he can give. I've seen children as early as three weeks old be disciplined. The well renowned psychologist that I like a lot says for the new parents to make a date and keep it. Get a baby-sitter. You teach the child that there is more to life than him/her! Why? Because there is!!! What better of a gift could he give to his son, than to show him unconditional love for another?! Okay, I'm stepping off my soap-box. Originally posted by anifan When he is around I become very cold and stand offish. I don't want to have anything to do with him. I try to be nice and normal but I just can't. This is not fair to that child! He deserves better. Get involved in a chirch and learn what realistic expectations you must attain in a child/parent relationship. I learned most of my relationship knowledge through my church, we had a 7 week program on the Song of Solomon. It teaches you everything about love, sex, relationships and dating. And yes, it is all right there in the BIBLE. Use it as an instruction manual. The only other thing I can recommend to you, is that you fix this before you get married. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anifan Posted December 29, 2004 Author Share Posted December 29, 2004 I agree that we should show his son a loving relationship but I cannot tell my boyfriend any of my opinions about his son because he gets extremely defensive. Also, I appreciate your suggestion to use the Bible, however, I do not believe in that sort of thing. Thank you so much for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
PatientOne Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Do the guy a favor and DON'T marry him until you grow up a lot. Your issues need to be dealt with before you can even think of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anifan Posted December 29, 2004 Author Share Posted December 29, 2004 It's not only my jealousy. His son has absolutely no rules when he is at our house. My boyfriend lets him do whatever he wants. He will stay up until midnight eating candy all night. Also, he can't sleep by himself. When he is there my boyfriend sleeps with him in his room. I don't think that is healthy. I feel like I am the child in my own house. I am afraid that when he gets older he is going to have no respect for me because when his son is around, my boyfriend treats me like I don't matter; like I don't exist. I don't want to be his mother but I do want him to respect me. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 You're right...he won't. Unless you lay down the law now, while he's still young. Your boyfriend obviously doesn't have much respect for you either, that should be your main issue. Sign him up for parenting classes. And go with him. Link to post Share on other sites
SadAndLonely Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 I agree with PatientOne. And I believe that a child SHOULD come first, at least before a girlfriend of one year and four months. Most people who have children will readily agree that their bond with their children is stronger than anything, and I believe that's how it should be. If my mom had ever put her boyfriends before me, you can bet I'd be f**ked up in the head right now. If you have a problem with the way he does or doesn't discipline his child, then break up with him. The child shouldn't be exposed to negativity when he already has to deal with being shuffled between two parents. Link to post Share on other sites
ollydolly Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Hi anifan Well done for identifying your feelings of jealousy, so many adults cannot admit they are jealous of a child! I would be very cautious though about marrying your boyfriend until this issue is nutted out between you. If your boyfriend sleeps with his son every time he comes over I can totally understand how this would stab you. I imagine you dread the visits since you know you will lose your lover and sleeping companion. Your bf needs to understand that his son's visits will come to be equated with loss (in your mind). Try not to be cold. I don't understand your personality type but chilly aloofness will permeate the tone of your house. I don't agree that a child SHOULD be put first all the time. You and your boyfriend are the family and the little fella should be a welcome part. It sounds as though your boyfriend isn't setting good boundaries when his son stays with you - that can feel very threatening considering this is a long term scenario. Can you get some counselling? If your boyfriend is very defensive over his parenting, it sounds as though you need some safe mediation where you can honestly explain how you feel, and your bf can listen and learn and also be heard. All blended families/step families go through issues like these and often the children are extremely jealous of the new girlfriend or boyfriend. Because my boyfriend and his ex wife had no affection or love for eachother, their girls never got to see him enjoy love with a woman. They were the centre of his love and affection. They have really struggled to watch him bestow his love on me and jealousy between all of us has surfaced at one time or another, in fact it still happens. His youngest daughter (7) is very very jealous of me, no matter how well we get on in other areas. It's a pain in the arse, but because we name things bluntly like " I can see you're feeling a bit jealous _____, would you like some time with Dad alone?" ....we tend to be able to deal with it and still enjoy our family life. Just remember that jealousy is understandable as a feeling - but it is a bad motivation for action, especially around children. I wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Almost married a woman with 2 sons from her previous marriage. She was so inconsistent. She would say that I should be involved in discipline, but only the exact form of discipline that is approved by her, and only could discipline them when she feels they did something wrong. Thier were certain thing that in her eyes were okay for them to do wrong. She wanted me to let them call me dad, but didn't want me involved in any of thier life decisions (private schooling, church choice, believing in Santa Clause or not, etc). Only what she wanted. Just remember, no longer how much we all know that your spouse is supposed to be more important than your kids, blood is thicker than water - especially when it concerns children from a previous marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 One of the top "stressors" in marriages today...discontinuity between the "parents" on how to discipline their children. If you can't agree now, this will remain a major problem in your future relationship. If the two of you don't work out a plan on how to handle this, then DON'T get married, and end the relationship. I'm seriuous...it's THAT important. But you also say that you can't handle the "baggage" of his previous life...if you can't handle that...don't get married, and don't drag out your relationship with him. You can't change what happened...and if you can't learn to accept it, neither one of you will EVER be happy in your relationship. Counseling sounds like a good plan if you two really do become serious about a lifetime commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
TylerC Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 My dad told me he cares more about my sister and I than my mom in some respects, and he knows my mom is the same way. You can't be jealous of the kid until you know what it's like to have one of your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anifan Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 I never said that I should be more imortant. I know that his son is. My parents divorced when I was young and they are both remarried and I know that my brother and I come before everyone. I am only saying that this is difficult for me because I don't have kids and I don't know what it feels like. I wrote my initial post because I want to know how I can make things better. I can't just break up with him, I love him. If I didn't care about him then I would just leave. This is my first relationship that has lasted longer than 2 months and sometimes I feel like it's a lot to take on for my first real relationship. Every other guy I met or dated I just didn't really care about. This guy is different. I can't imagine being without him so, I can't just leave. I want to make it work. Ollydolly, thank you so much for your reply. You were the only one who seemed to understand where I was coming from and you didn't automatically judge me for my feelings. I know the way I am feeling is wrong but I can't help it. That is why I posted. I need help. So, thank you for your very insightful reply. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Maybe you should date someone that doesn't have kids? Or not get involved with someone that does? Link to post Share on other sites
ixlives Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I'm divorced with 2 kids, I met a girl and eventually moved in with her. Is it possible for you to think he loves his kids, and misses them soooo much, even being able to lay next to him eases that. I did the same thing, and was with a girl like that. She knew I had children and would do anything in the world for. No matter how much you two are in love, if you don't accept someone he loves deeply, you shouldn't be with him. Talk to him, communicate..... Link to post Share on other sites
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