ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I've been dating my bf for almost 3 months now. We met online and he's asked me to take my online dating profile down twice but I haven't done it yet because my subscription just renewed til the end of summer. So he said he will ask me again when summer is over and for now, we'll continue to date and see what happens. My bf booked a trip to the Caribbean before he and I even met. Actually this trip was a gift from his parents. Anyway, he invited to come on the trip twice but I couldn't go because I had to work. Plus I couldn't afford to pay my own way and my bf couldn't afford to pay for both of us. We are however going on a trip together as soon as he returns from his vacation. I asked him if he had invited anyone else to come along with him in my place. He said no but he had this weird grin on his face as if he was playing around with me or was happy that I was concerned. In the weeks leading up to his trip, we would argue off and on about this, which made me start to worry that he was going to cheat. My bf kept telling me that he was going alone. Then he became very distant towards me a few days before his trip. We hadn't seen each other in over a week because he went on another trip to his parents house. Upon his return from his parents house, he did come to my house on a Thursday to do a household repair he promised to do for me, but then afterwards he declined to have sex with me talking about he was tired. This is not like him and we usually always have sex whenever we see each other. Especially since he was leaving me again for another week to go on his trip. He didn't stay the night either. I did notice that he had bags under his eyes which was unusual. Plus, when he printed his trip itinerary from my computer, my bf was freaking out over the fact that he had to add his gmail account to my computer before he could log in. Then when he found out he had to download his itinerary to my computer before he could print it, he made a comment under his breath and said begrudgingly "now she knows where I'm staying...". He claims he didn't know if the hotel would charge him for calls received at his room. My bf is off work for the summer and he's been having financial problems. And although we are going on a trip together next week, my bf didn't want to make future travel plans with me until he sees how our trip together goes... The next day I was supposed to come by my bf's house since he was going on his trip the next day. When I called my bf, he said he was eating and would call me back when he was finished. He didn't call me back that night but, instead, called my from the airport the following morning. He said he fell asleep after he ate, then woke up and started packing for his trip. He told me I should have just came by his house anyway. Now my bf is on his trip and he hasn't initiated not 1 call or text to me all week! He claims the Wifi connection is slow and poor down there. However, I did text him once and he responded back to me in a reasonable time. I text him again 3 days ago and asked him to call me and he called me back right away. So if he can respond to my texts, then how come he can't call or text me first? I'm not sure if I should cancel our trip together and break up with him due to his strange behavior. The last time I talked to my bf, he told me that he was looking forward to our trip together and that he's going to bring me back a gift from his trip too. He also said he's enjoying himself down there. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You are being paranoid but I do agree it's odd that he would be so bent about you knowing where he's staying since he previously invited you on this trip. At 3 months in, when you haven't taken down your OLD profile, I don't think it's all that odd that he's not contacting you. The calls are ghastly expensive as is the data usage if he can get service. Plus vacation is for unplugging not staying connection to social media. Relax. Do something fun this weekend & see how things are when he gets home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 You are being paranoid but I do agree it's odd that he would be so bent about you knowing where he's staying since he previously invited you on this trip. At 3 months in, when you haven't taken down your OLD profile, I don't think it's all that odd that he's not contacting you. The calls are ghastly expensive as is the data usage if he can get service. Plus vacation is for unplugging not staying connection to social media. Relax. Do something fun this weekend & see how things are when he gets home. The calls are free with WhatsApp which is what he has on his phone. And WiFi service is free too at that hotel. If he can reply to my calls and texts in a reasonable time then clearly he can initiate a brief phone call or text! Link to post Share on other sites
acapelo_dp Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 It does sound strange but nothing that screams out a red flag for cheating. Is he going on this vacation alone or with his parents? Kind of strange that he would be going all by himself. I would be more pissed about him not making time for you especially before he leaves on a vacation. He definitely should be making time spent with you a priority. Have a talk with him when he gets back from his trip. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Are you two even exclusive? You dont' say that you two have agreed to exclusivity and commitment with one another. I dare say that he's down there having fun and initiating phone calls to you, right now unfortunately, isn't high on his priority list. You can easily see if he's on his phone by seeing when the last time he signed on to Whatsapp--if he has that feature activated on his account. Chances are, he's out doing activities during the day and drinking at night--the usual stuff people do down in the Caribbean. If you want to break up with him over his behavior prior to leaving, then I suppose that's one way to handle this. You haven't invested really that much time in this and it's about now that the honeymoon stage starts wearing off and the real "them" surfaces. The guy who was muttering under his breath about you knowing what hotel he's booked into? That's the real him. That is who you actually have a relationship with, not the guy who you've been dealing with since April. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Based on his whatsapp activities this week, he only logs in to read/respond to a text message I send there. And he responds in a decent time like normal. So that tells me he could initiate a quick text it dosn't take that long. Besides, he promised that he would do it. And we're not exclusive yet because I'm waiting for my subscription to expire in September, then we will talk about exclusivity then. But we both know that doing something like sleeping with someone else would hurt the others feelings so that's why I call it cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You're not exclusive because your dating profile subscription just renewed. Ok that's a weird reason to not be exclusive, but the point remains that if you're not exclusive your boyfriend can bang whoever he wants whenever he wants wherever he wants and it's not cheating. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 It does sound strange but nothing that screams out a red flag for cheating. Is he going on this vacation alone or with his parents? Kind of strange that he would be going all by himself. I would be more pissed about him not making time for you especially before he leaves on a vacation. He definitely should be making time spent with you a priority. Have a talk with him when he gets back from his trip. He said he's going alone but who goes to a Caribbean island like that alone? It's too romantic of a scene! That's why he asked me to come but I couldn't chine because of work. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 If I was dating a girl and asked her to be exclusive, and she said "No, not until my dating profile expires", and I was going away on a trip, I'd almost want to cheat on her on purpose just because of her saying that. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You're not exclusive because your dating profile subscription just renewed. Exactly what I had in mind. You telling him that you won't bring your dating profile down because it just renewed sent him a clear and concise message that your subscription is worth more than your relationship. So, let him enjoy his trip. He's not your boyfriend til your subscription expires. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 You're not exclusive because your dating profile subscription just renewed. Ok that's a weird reason to not be exclusive, but the point remains that if you're not exclusive your boyfriend can bang whoever he wants whenever he wants wherever he wants and it's not cheating. No he can't because 1)he wouldn't like it one bit if I did that to him and 2)what he does with other women is my business because we're having sex and his actions are putting my health at risk! Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 No he can't because 1)he wouldn't like it one bit if I did that to him and 2)what he does with other women is my business because we're having sex and his actions are putting my health at risk! You ARE doing it to him by keeping your dating profile online, what you're saying is you are going to continue to meet and chat with guys and who knows what else and I bet he doesn't like it one bit. It can be your business, you could agree that if he screws around on his trip he tells you about it, but of course you have to tell him about all the guys you are dating from your nonexpired online dating profile, it's only fair. As far as health risks, use a condom. That one's easy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 If I was dating a girl and asked her to be exclusive, and she said "No, not until my dating profile expires", and I was going away on a trip, I'd almost want to cheat on her on purpose just because of her saying that. And that's a real sucker move right there, especially since I told him about the profile before we booked our trip. Why subsequently agreed to go on a trip with me and agreed to buy me a gift from his own vacation when he's secretly trying to seek revenge against me when he could've just broke things off back then? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You're playing mind games with your profile. He's playing you back. Not surprising, but does not make for a good relationship from either side of the equation. Just break up, and make good use of your dating site subscription. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 And that's a real sucker move right there, especially since I told him about the profile before we booked our trip. Why subsequently agreed to go on a trip with me and agreed to buy me a gift from his own vacation when he's secretly trying to seek revenge against me when he could've just broke things off back then? Why would he break things off with you? He's getting sex, he's getting companionship and he doesn't even know if he's going to get laid on his vacation. He might as well hold onto both, just like you hold onto him and your online dating profile. Sorry but you're very selfish Elle, you're only thinking about yourself. It's ok for you to keep dating other guys but he must be faithful to you on his trip? With your attitude you're going to have trouble keeping guys. We don't like being treated like crap and yeah we'll either dump you, or pull sucker moves or get revenge. And you're the type that deserves it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I'd hate to imagine if she had asked him to bring his dating profile down and he said, "Nah, not til my subscription expires." That inspires a lot of confidence. She'd be livid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 You ARE doing it to him by keeping your dating profile online, what you're saying is you are going to continue to meet and chat with guys and who knows what else and I bet he doesn't like it one bit. It can be your business, you could agree that if he screws around on his trip he tells you about it, but of course you have to tell him about all the guys you are dating from your nonexpired online dating profile, it's only fair. As far as health risks, use a condom. That one's easy. No I only date and sleep with 1 guy at a time. He on the other hand told me when we first met that he was sleeping with other people but when he asked me to be his main girl said he dropped them. And by the way, asking me to be his main girl implies that he will continue to see other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Why am I the villan for just letting my profile expire in September? Even if I took it down when he asked me to, he was only going to make me his main chick and still cheat on me. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Why am I the villan for just letting my profile expire in September? Even if I took it down when he asked me to, he was only going to make me his main chick and still cheat on me. Even if you took it down? Why speculate, if you don't have any intention of doing that? The type of woman who keeps a dating profile active, while being in a nonexclusive relationship, while expecting her boyfriend to remain faithful, is not being realistic. It doesn't make you a "villain" it just makes you completely unreasonable. Thus, is the seed is set for conflict. Things are not going to end well with this relationship and probably any others that you may have because you don't respect others the way you expect them to respect you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Why am I the villan for just letting my profile expire in September? Even if I took it down when he asked me to, he was only going to make me his main chick and still cheat on me. I don't understand the nature of your relationship. Did he tell you he was going to continue sleeping with other women? Being his "main chick" does not equate to being his girlfriend. Main implies there are others, but you're the one he sees most frequently. Is that how he refers to you? I don't understand how you consider him your boyfriend if you're not exclusive. As the others said, you keeping your profile up sent him a very clear message that you're not committing to him either. So his actions aren't all that unusual, given the context. The bottom line is that if he wanted to, he'd initiate contact with you. Plain and simple. He's having fun and distracted. I'm not sure what you expect from him when your own messages are mixed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Even if you took it down? Why speculate, if you don't have any intention of doing that? The type of woman who keeps a dating profile active, while being in a nonexclusive relationship, while expecting her boyfriend to remain faithful, is not being realistic. It doesn't make you a "villain" it just makes you completely unreasonable. Thus, is the seed is set for conflict. Things are not going to end well with this relationship and probably any others that you may have because you don't respect others the way you expect them to respect you. It's not speculating. ..he only asked me to be his main chick. If I agree to that and take my profile down, that gives him a free pass to continue to sleep with others. Either way he's winning but judging by your response that's ok. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 No I only date and sleep with 1 guy at a time. He on the other hand told me when we first met that he was sleeping with other people but when he asked me to be his main girl said he dropped them. And by the way, asking me to be his main girl implies that he will continue to see other people. Dating and sleeping with one person at a time is the definition of being exclusive. You are saying one thing, and doing something else entirely. Besides you agreed to be his "main girl" while you understand that he will continue to see other people. So what's the problem? Either you want exclusivity or you don't. If you want exclusivity, then tell him so, and there is no room for any one else in the relationship and there's no room for an online dating profile to be active. If you want "main girl status" and keep your profile up, then he's ok doing whatever he wants on his trip. Make up your mind, and do it fast because I don't think his flight is going to be delayed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I don't understand the nature of your relationship. Did he tell you he was going to continue sleeping with other women? Being his "main chick" does not equate to being his girlfriend. Main implies there are others, but you're the one he sees most frequently. Is that how he refers to you? I don't understand how you consider him your boyfriend if you're not exclusive. As the others said, you keeping your profile up sent him a very clear message that you're not committing to him either. So his actions aren't all that unusual, given the context. The bottom line is that if he wanted to, he'd initiate contact with you. Plain and simple. He's having fun and distracted. I'm not sure what you expect from him when your own messages are mixed. That's what he offered to me that's why I told him I'm keeping my profile up. Even still, he would be livid (probably stop talking to me) if I treated him like this on my solo vacation Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Dating and sleeping with one person at a time is the definition of being exclusive. You are saying one thing, and doing something else entirely. Besides you agreed to be his "main girl" while you understand that he will continue to see other people. So what's the problem? Either you want exclusivity or you don't. If you want exclusivity, then tell him so, and there is no room for any one else in the relationship and there's no room for an online dating profile to be active. If you want "main girl status" and keep your profile up, then he's ok doing whatever he wants on his trip. Make up your mind, and do it fast because I don't think his flight is going to be delayed. Ok I'll think about what I really want 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Dating and sleeping with one person at a time is the definition of being exclusive. You are saying one thing, and doing something else entirely. Besides you agreed to be his "main girl" while you understand that he will continue to see other people. So what's the problem? Either you want exclusivity or you don't. If you want exclusivity, then tell him so, and there is no room for any one else in the relationship and there's no room for an online dating profile to be active. If you want "main girl status" and keep your profile up, then he's ok doing whatever he wants on his trip. Make up your mind, and do it fast because Link to post Share on other sites
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