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It's Christmas and he still hasn't invited me.


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

 
 
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Old 22nd December 2004, 1:12 PM   #1
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Red face It's Christmas and he still hasn't invited me.

I"ve been dating a 40 yr. old man, who has been divorced for 3 1/2 yrs., and who also has a 5 yr. old son. We've been going out for close to 2 yrs now. He and I are extremely close, seeing each other nearly everyday and he also calls me at least 3 times daily, almost at any chance he has free while at work and then later in the evening until we meet up again. So here is my dilemma. Back in November he had invited me to have dinner with his family for Thanksgiving. This was going to be our very first holiday spent together ever. There I was, so completely excited about finally being invited to a family event, which he has very often, as he's 1 of 10 siblings. As I was literally walking out the door to go and meet him, he calls me to tell me that he had bad news. He said that his ex-wife and son were both going to be there and he didn't want any conflict with his son. I've met his son about 6 times and his son does not even know that Daddy has a girlfriend. In fact, on one occasion his son had asked if he had a girlfriend and my boyfriend had denied me. Anyway, I was completely devastated by this and really hurt. I'm I seriously thought that maybe we were going places and that we might be able to take things to the next level.

So, here we are once again at Christmas time and my fear is becoming more of a reality and that is that he's not going to invite me to his family's for any holiday celebration. And I know FOR SURE that his ex-wife is going to be at one of the two celebrations that they are having. What should I do. I'm really bothered by this entire mess and very confused to say the least. He just recently asked me if I would consider buying a house with him too. With separate rooms and another buyer though. Like how weird is that!? Is it just business????

I don't know if should confront the guy that I truly am in love with or just brush it off and hope for a better 2005 holiday season. But then again, at that point I'll be going on 3 yr in a relationship with a guy who doesn't bring me around his child or family.

Help Please!
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Old 22nd December 2004, 1:32 PM   #2
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Re: It's Christmas and he still hasn't invited me.

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Originally posted by Valley
I don't know if should confront the guy that I truly am in love with or just brush it off and hope for a better 2005 holiday season. But then again, at that point I'll be going on 3 yr in a relationship with a guy who doesn't bring me around his child or family.

Help Please!

If you've been in a so-called "relationship" with a dude who does not invite you to family events or denies your existence to his son and family then you are not in a "relationship".

Trust me, I know cause I did this to a woman for a year. She was fun to hang out with but I wanted a causal relationship and she wanted marriage, etc.... So to keep her at arms length I never involved her in anything that would allow her to believe we were more than casually having fun.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 1:33 PM   #3
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Angry a bit suspicious

Regarding buying a house - this sounds a bit suspicious. If he considers this house to be yours and his for you to live there together, why other buyer would be involved? You should talk definitely talk to him about this topic.

Regarding last X-mas party at his family place - did he know that his ex-wife was coming there? If he did so, why did he leave it until last minute (when you were walking out the door from your place) to inform you?

I think the best thing would be if you told him that it was a bit irresponsible of him last year when he informed you on last minute about his ex wife´s presence at the party.

I understand he denies you, his son is still a bit young to understand the situation and your boyfriend wants to wait until he grows up and become more mature to admit you to him. I wouldnt consider this as an issue.

And regarding you being in a relationship with him for almost 3 years without being introduced to his family - that´s a very hard thing. I understand your sad feeling about that I would be pretty pissed off as well but you cant force him to introduce you to his family. Maybe he feels it is not still the right time to do it. Maybe introducing you to his family is not such a big thing for him and therefore he doesnt know how much it is hurting you. Dont accuse him of anything and dont dictate him anything and dont force him to do anything but tell him how imporant is to you to meet his family and tell him you would leave it up to him when he decides it is the right time to do it but stress that you want definitely one day to meet his family. Like this he wouldnt feel like you are forcing him to anything.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 1:41 PM   #4
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If he is divorced theres no reason he should be treating you like that. You should talk to him & tell him how you feel. Buy a house w/ seperate bedrooms??? Is he serious? Is he that afraid of his ex-wife? When my parents divorced they didn't keep their gf or bf from me, I met them right away(I was 5) Is his ex-wife holding their son over his head or something?
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Old 22nd December 2004, 1:49 PM   #5
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What the heck is the ex-wife doing at the family functions, anyway? The child, yes...but the ex-wife, no. She should be the one told not to come, not you, if he wants to avoid conflict.

As far as denying your relationship to the child, I can see why he'd do that until he was sure that you two were going to take it to the next level, which you'd think he'd know after 2 years. How long ago did he do this? Most parents don't want their kids to be aware of different people they date, its too much change and can negatively affect children. Its not good for kids to get attached to a person that may not be around forever in the case of a breakup, especially after they have already been through a divorce. Hopefully he is just trying to protect the child.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 1:52 PM   #6
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An afterthought: doesn't it just make you want to dump him, knowing that you'll get treated better as an ex-girlfriend than a girlfriend? Maybe then you'll be invited to the family functions.

Ugh.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 2:08 PM   #7
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I am completely floored and disgusted that the ex-wife attends his family's gatherings!! WTF!?!??! I agree w/ savethedrama....this is just too weird! Is the child not ever alone w/ his father, and is SHE always there when theyre spending time together?!?

I have a 19 month old daughter, who's never really known her dad and is uncomfortable around him. For this reason, I am always there when they have visitation. She just doesnt know who he is, and needs me there for numerous reasons. If your boyfriend's son doesnt really know him, which I doubt b/c he's old enough and spent at least 2-3 years w/ him in the same house, THEN I'd say dont worry about the ex-wife being there b/c its to help the child. But I dont think thats the case b/c the kid is 5!!! He needs to grow some balls, and tell the ex that its HIS son too, its THEIR holiday time together, and she's not welcome!!! He also needs to realize that he's ruining the time together for all of his relatives by making the situation so weird and uncomfortable!!!

Quote:
She should be the one told not to come, not you, if he wants to avoid conflict
Excellent words, STD4YM!!!

youve been with this person almost 2 YEARS, and he's still pushing you aside!! This is rediculous!!!

DO NOT get involved in home buying or anything else related to business w/ this man!!! He's not showing very good character, and you WILL end up losing. If he wants to live together, the 2 of you, and show everyone (including his son and ex-wife) how important you are to him and that he sees his future w/ YOU, then I'd say live together and continue this relationship. Until he does that, I say back off and detatch a little and if he has a problem w/ it tell him that youre not going to keep moving forward when he keeps showing you that he's not!!!!

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Old 22nd December 2004, 2:15 PM   #8
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invites

well the ex-wife is the mother of his child

so if HIS family has a holiday party the ex-wife will be invited

and if the ex-wife's family has a holiday party the ex-wife will always be invited

the two families are inextricably linked cause of the child
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Old 22nd December 2004, 2:23 PM   #9
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Re: invites

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Originally posted by alphamale
well the ex-wife is the mother of his child

so if HIS family has a holiday party the ex-wife will be invited

and if the ex-wife's family has a holiday party the ex-wife will always be invited

the two families are inextricably linked cause of the child

Umm....no. Ex-wives and husbands don't come to my family functions, unless it is the wedding or graduation OF THE CHILD.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 4:46 PM   #10
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Quote:
...If you've been in a so-called "relationship" with a dude who does not invite you to family events or denies your existence to his son and family then you are not in a "relationship"...
For the record, this is the first time I agree totally with alphamale. Let's be real folks...unless there are some SERIOUS reasons why, a so-called serious r/s of 2 years duration does entitle you to be included in family events. Not that you should muscle your way in, or get in the ex's way. You need to be civil and mature if you ever encounter her, which you likely will. But your (supposed) bf should be your entree into these events...and ask his family to make you welcome. If he doesn't, then let's just say he has a different understanding of the word "committed r/s".

As to whether you should HOPE for a change...NO. Tell your bf flat out that you would like to be invited to his family events, and be treated as part of his family. Tell him which specific event you would like to be there for. Ask for a promise.

If he can't or won't give it...which is quite likely...than you will need to come to terms with his view of your connection, and act accordingly.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 4:53 PM   #11
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Re: Re: invites

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Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama
Umm....no. Ex-wives and husbands don't come to my family functions, unless it is the wedding or graduation OF THE CHILD.

Wedding and graduations of the child usually don't happen when the child is 5 yrs old.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 5:05 PM   #12
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I never said they did.
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Old 22nd December 2004, 5:14 PM   #13
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The Ex & Christmas

Thanks to you all for the awesome advice seriously. It's really great to get others perspectives. Apparently his sister and ex have remained friends and the sister is the one that invites his ex to her house. To top it off, I pretty close to a few of his siblings. I went to high school with one of his sisters and one of his brothers is my sports coach. It's really embarrassing when one of them asks me if I'm coming over for Thanksgiving or a Family BBQ that they are having or a niece's b-day. Total humiliation.

I'm 28 yr old and really want to settle down with someone. If he's not that into me then why would he call me so much, spend so much time with me and want to buy a house????

What do you think???
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Old 22nd December 2004, 5:18 PM   #14
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Do you really think I shouldn't consider this a "relationship?"
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Old 22nd December 2004, 5:28 PM   #15
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maybe for him 2 or 3 years in relationship is still very early stage of relationship and he is not rushing therefore he still hasnt taken you to his family events. But then it doesnt make sense why he wants to buy a house if he still feels that you are at early stage of a relationship.

Talk to him and ask him what leads him to wanting to buy the house. And what does he intend to do with it? If it is just a business for him or what he plans to do with it? Ask him if he wants to live there with you?

If he says yes, it could mean he is serious with you cos people generally have a common household when they are serious with each other. And in that case tell him that your imagination of serious relationship does involve to get to know his family. Maybe he really doesnt understand how imporant to you is to meet his family.

Maybe he has fear from his sister and he just doesnt want to invite you to family events cos he feels that you wouldnt be accepted for example by his sister. And maybe he just doesnt want to make his sister feel uncomfortable. Try to talk to him about that. He is old enough to do what he wants to do regardless his sister´s or somebody else´s opinion. Try to explain to him that sometimes he just cant satisfy everybody´s needs, especially if people´s needs are interfering with each other. His sister maybe doesnt want to see you at family events. And you wanna be member of family events. Your boyfriend is in this case satisfying more her needs than yours. Try to ask him why he prefers her needs and tell him you feel hurt about that.
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