Another Retroactive Jealousy thread

[Davey1]

I know these have been done to death, having lurked for months, but I'm just desperate for anything.

 

I'm dying to save my relationship. My girlfriend knows I have RJ, but I hide how bad it is from her because whenever we talk about it she gets upset. I don't want to upset her without need, but I feel I'm on the verge of breaking up to get some peace. I go for days with various parts of my body feeling like they're literally on fire. I can't sleep well. Can barely eat at times. It's been this way for months.

 

I've tried every thing imaginable. I ordered some books and a video guide course. Tried self-help techniques. Read some OCD and other type literature. So much money and energy that I've been reduced to pleading with whatever higher power may be out there to just make it stop so I can keep my relationship. Nothing's working, and no one understands. Everyone seems to think that dwelling on her past is a choice I'm making, when I have no voluntary control. It's there from the time I wake until I sleep. My heart pounds out of my chest and my breathing stays shallow. Even on my good days, the images and thoughts are always in my head, even if they aren't bothering much. I almost feel like I'm in denial. Then on other days it hits me with full impact. I can't stop it. I've tried. If anyone has anything, PLEASE give me something.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to get in touch with a qualified therapist. As you know, what you're describing isn't normal and if other methods haven't worked, it's time to seek out a professional opinion. If you don't, your relationship simply will not survive and your own well-being will be severely compromised.

 

Having said that, try writing out what you're feeling and what your triggers are.

 

What exactly are you thinking about that causes so much distress?

[smackie9]

This is beyond RJ......you have some serious underlying issues. I agree this is something a therapist needs to help you with.

[RemainUnchanged]

I know these have been done to death, having lurked for months, but I'm just desperate for anything.

 

I'm dying to save my relationship. My girlfriend knows I have RJ, but I hide how bad it is from her because whenever we talk about it she gets upset. I don't want to upset her without need, but I feel I'm on the verge of breaking up to get some peace. I go for days with various parts of my body feeling like they're literally on fire. I can't sleep well. Can barely eat at times. It's been this way for months.

 

I've tried every thing imaginable. I ordered some books and a video guide course. Tried self-help techniques. Read some OCD and other type literature. So much money and energy that I've been reduced to pleading with whatever higher power may be out there to just make it stop so I can keep my relationship. Nothing's working, and no one understands. Everyone seems to think that dwelling on her past is a choice I'm making, when I have no voluntary control. It's there from the time I wake until I sleep. My heart pounds out of my chest and my breathing stays shallow. Even on my good days, the images and thoughts are always in my head, even if they aren't bothering much. I almost feel like I'm in denial. Then on other days it hits me with full impact. I can't stop it. I've tried. If anyone has anything, PLEASE give me something.

 

 

might want to get checked for STD's..

 

 

in seriousness, retroactive jealousy is only natural.. I like to call it "buyers remorse".

 

 

realizing that the girl you are dedicating your life to has been with numerous - sometimes many other guys is not easy to get over..

 

to think that she's said and done everything with them that she's done with you kinda makes the whole experience seem less meaningful, kinda like..going through the motions, if you will.

 

 

I can speak from firsthand experience. These feelings do not go away on their own.. im not sure they go away at all. I strongly believe that those who claim to not be bothered are in denial.

 

I broke up with my last girlfriend because I could not overcome my buyer's remose.. she definitely did not appreciate it. I would suggest that whatever your decision ends up being, you make it quickly.

[Davey1]

I appreciate it.

One thing I will say is that I really cannot afford a therapist. In fact, I've spent about all the money I can spare already.

 

I'm starting to think it's more than RJ, too.

Morals too deeply ingrained?

 

But I'm desperate. I'm tired of anxiety attacks.

 

As for triggers, it seems everything is a trigger.

It stays in my head all day, at best like a minimized browser window.

[elaine567]

I can't sleep well.

 

Sleep: Your Secret Weapon For Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy - Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

[Davey1]

Thanks Elaine.

I saw that the other day as a matter of fact. I ordered the book and course from that site. Helped briefly. Even with sleep though, I wake up with it bothering me. Which leads to loss of sleep the next night.

[Redhead14]

I know these have been done to death, having lurked for months, but I'm just desperate for anything.

 

I'm dying to save my relationship. My girlfriend knows I have RJ, but I hide how bad it is from her because whenever we talk about it she gets upset. I don't want to upset her without need, but I feel I'm on the verge of breaking up to get some peace. I go for days with various parts of my body feeling like they're literally on fire. I can't sleep well. Can barely eat at times. It's been this way for months.

 

I've tried every thing imaginable. I ordered some books and a video guide course. Tried self-help techniques. Read some OCD and other type literature. So much money and energy that I've been reduced to pleading with whatever higher power may be out there to just make it stop so I can keep my relationship. Nothing's working, and no one understands. Everyone seems to think that dwelling on her past is a choice I'm making, when I have no voluntary control. It's there from the time I wake until I sleep. My heart pounds out of my chest and my breathing stays shallow. Even on my good days, the images and thoughts are always in my head, even if they aren't bothering much. I almost feel like I'm in denial. Then on other days it hits me with full impact. I can't stop it. I've tried. If anyone has anything, PLEASE give me something.

 

What is happening with you is not RJ, it is called ruminating (dwelling) and likely co-existing with depression. One thing you can try is keep a rubber band on your wrist and when anxiety and dwelling starts to creep in, you snap the band. This will essentially snap you out of it. You may need to do it a number of times, but it does help some people. You snap and make yourself do something else, anything but think about all this.

 

Another thing to try is to set a side a period of time each day to allow yourself to think about the issue. Set aside 15 minutes to half an hour. Not more than that. Get out all the emotions, anger, sadness, grief, etc. At the end of that time, you make yourself do something else that's soothing, fun or otherwise distracting to the issue at hand. You can do 15 minutes in the morning and 15 at night, or half an hour each. But, it takes a little time, practice and dedication to it. Over time, you should start to need that less or spend less time each time. Hit a pillow, cry, scream but do it in little bits. It's like a tea kettle, a little steam is released so the kettle doesn't boil over. What you are doing now is overwhelming your mind and it can't process everything and so being triggered more easily as well.

 

You need to get a grip on all this right NOW. Make yourself focus on your eating habits and get good sleep. Lack of quality sleep and eating habits only fuels the problem.

.

[deadelvis]

I can help you with this. I've worked through my RJ and now I have a healthy relationship.

 

Some questions.

 

How old are you? How old is she?

 

What specifically is haunting you? Her number? Specific things she did?

 

How many people have you each had sex with?

 

Start by making a list from least to most painful of the things that are upsetting you. Get back to me. I'll let you know where to go from there. You can deal with this. Do not talk to her about it anymore or it will destroy your relationship.

[deadelvis]

I copied this from a reply I gave to someone else who was struggling with RJ. The advice is pretty universal.

 

"Here are a few things that have helped me.

Someone once mentioned this. What is it that really bothers you about her past? Is it the feeling that she is dirty? That she has more experience than you? That she will cheat on you?

If you can isolate which of those 3 things you are struggling with it will help you to focus on exactly what your issue is rather than feeling an all encompassing sense of inadequacy and jealousy. I know my girl won’t cheat on me and I don’t care that she’s dirty. It’s the feeling of her having so many experiences that I often feel inadequate. Once I was able to identify that, I was able to let go of a lot of my issues and fears of her being dirty, or disloyal.

As far as the number of partners she has had, I try to look at it like this. If a woman has had many sexual experiences, you know for a fact she has gotten all her wild experiences over with and she is finally ready to settle down. I’ve lost a few women who were less experienced because they felt like they needed to have a chance to be single and experience freedom or “spread their wings and fly”. But with a woman who has already had numerous sexual encounters, it’s pretty safe to say she has already sown her wild oats and now you won’t have to worry about her feeling like she is missing out on having promiscuous experiences later on down the road. She will be much more likely to settle down after having gotten that part of her life over with.

The way I tried to deal with the specific things that haunted me from her past was to isolate them one by one and process them individually, starting with the least painful and working my way up to the most painful. Write a list. Hide it where she won’t find it. Cross them off one by one. Don’t rush this process. Take one day a week when she isn’t around to just sort through a particular story that’s been eating away at you. Do not talk to her during this “sorting time”. When you really examine a disturbing sexual event from her life you find you can look at it as a singular event rather than just a part of a larger sequence of bad choices. For example when I was struggling with (my girlfriend once prostituted herself to a 65 year old man when she was 25, she never reaches orgasm during sex but on this occasion she did have an orgasm, in less than 15 minutes, and she said it was one of the most powerful orgasms and satisfying sexual experiences she has ever had) I had to really stand back and look at it as an isolated event. She worked as an escort because she needed the money. She chose to sleep with this one particular man because she liked him. If she had simply dated him and not met him through the escort service would it still bother me? Probably not as much. What exactly about this encounter bothers me? In the end, after sorting through the event in my mind I came to the conclusion that what really bothered me about the encounter was feeling inadequate in myself because I fear that another man could get her to orgasm the first time while it took me months to do the same thing. And usually that is the eventual conclusion, what you struggle with has little to do with her, or the other men, it’s almost always rooted in feelings of inadequacy and personal insecurity. And the knowledge that she loves you, and even after being with all those other men she chose to spend her life with you will usually confirm that what you have is special and real, unlike the meaningless sex she had with the others.

As you sort through the events in her life you will find yourself developing empathy and understanding, and as you work toward the “bigger events” in her life, it will become easier to let go and forgive. Her past will be much more daunting when viewed as a whole rather than a series of singular events. Always remember, she did those things before she knew you, and they had nothing to do with your current relationship.

Whatever you do, don’t get drunk and confront her about her past, or ask lots of detailed questions in order to “get a clear picture”. In general it’s better to not even bring it up. I know this can be the hardest part. But really, she probably rarely thinks about it. Do you want to bring it up and have her thinking about it all the time? Probably not. Keep it to yourself. People make mistakes, and honestly she may not even consider her sexual experiences to be mistakes. And either way it’s really inconsequential.

And overall, when it comes to her past, I have been having a better grasp on what it means to love someone. Loving someone means putting their happiness before your own. Try not to be selfish. I try to remind myself that I WANT my girlfriend to have a full and happy life, and that includes the 30 years of her life before she knew me. I have had love, sex, joy, passion and all kinds of wonderful experiences in my life. I want the same for her. I WANT her to have experienced great sex. I WANT her to have felt love and passion. I WANT her to have had every possible happy experience that life could offer her. I DON’T WANT to be a selfish person who thinks her life before me should have been lived at a convent somewhere and all the joy in her life should come from me. When she is old and looking back on her life I want her to remember our life together and the love we shared, but I also want her to feel happy about the other years of her life. I know that some of the best years of my life happened before her, and that certainly doesn’t take away from our new life together. I have had some amazing sexual experiences before her, but that doesn’t take anything away from what we share now. Sometimes when I’m feeling insecure about her past I think about my own sexual experiences and remind myself of that. Do those lovers from my past make my love for her any less? Of course not. Do I compare her to them? Of course not. Loving someone means wanting them to have a rich and full life and that includes sex. I want her life to be fulfilled and happy, in her past, in the present and in OUR future. I hope this helped you. Give her a chance. She loves you. Nothing in the past matters.

They say that every man wants to be his woman’s first, but every woman wants him to be her last.

Good luck."

[Spectre]

I think you do need therapy, but I also think you need to break up. Her past, whatever it is, bothers you. Right or wrong, you have the right to choose the type of girl you want to be with. Just like if you were a certain type of religion and only wanted to be with someone from the same religion? That is 100% your right. There is no reason to suffer and stay with a girl who isn't the type you want. I don't know WHAT her past is that made you feel this way, maybe she slept around a whole lot? If she did, I can guarantee you there are plenty of women out there who are cool and didn't do the whole "sleep around" thing. So dump her and go find one more suited to you. There is nothing wrong with knowing the type of person you want.

 

Though I am curious what her past is that makes you so jealous? Like I said, if she has one of those "screwed any guy who showed me attention" pasts..not all women are like that.

[smackie9]

You could seek out support groups in your area. Those are usually free.

[Davey1]

Thanks for the advice so far.

 

Redhead14, I'll try the rubber band thing. It's true, I do have depression and a tendency towards anxiety. This sort of exacerbates both of them. I don't recall having REAL anxiety attacks until now. I'll try harder on the 15 minute period. Usually, I try to give myself limited time to think about it but it gets stuck and stays there. Sometimes it fades 90% or so, but it never completely leaves me alone.

 

deadelvis, I've got a list in mind. If I ever get PM privileges, I'd rather share there than on here.

 

Spectre, I've thought about ending it. I'd hate to do that for a number of reasons.

One is I really do care about her. In terms of areas we're compatible, it's kind of ridiculous. We have almost the same personalities. That "made for each other" feeling. In a way, that's what's behind it. It's not so much jealousy as hurt. And that's not fair, because our pasts aren't that different. Hers just lasted longer than mine. Neither of us were doing things we really wanted to do, as our partners at the time were pressuring, guilting, and begging us into things (is that rape?), but things like knowing she compromised herself and stayed so long in it hurts too. In some ways, I feel like if anyone in her past genuinely cared and she genuinely wanted to do things, it'd hurt a little less.

I got out of my situation fairly quickly. When she got out of hers, she got back to being the kind of person she really is. We both generally have the same view of sex and things of that nature. I'd be a bit of a hypocrite to call it quits.

[Satu]

Just let the thoughts and feelings come and go, like any thought or feeling.

 

*Stop trying to stop them.*

 

By trying to push them away, or repress them, you are creating tremendous conflict and tension in your psyche.

 

Let the thoughts come, let the thoughts go.

 

Let the feelings come, let the feelings go.

 

Stop resisting.

 

All mental/emotional pain is about conflict and resistance.

 

Next time something comes to mind, just say this, "This is just a thought. This is just a feeling," and go about your business.

 

If you do that, the thoughts and feelings gradually run out of energy, and will only rarely come to mind.

 

Try this, it will help.

Edited June 2, 2015 by Satu

[Redhead14]

Nothing is helping or helps for very long because you are not addressing the correct diagnosis. Stop self-diagnosing and do some cognitive behavioral techniques as I suggested above. These types of CBT's are not "illness" or condition specific. They are healthy ways to manage any type of anxiety related problems. Try these for a while and stick with it.

 

And, the biggest thing you need to do is to WANT to get past this. I'd also suggest getting away from this thread for a while. You cannot get it out of your head if you are coming here often and keeping it in your face so to speak. You have seen enough here and vented enough for a while. Only come here occasionally now. It serves no purpose to keep this fresh.

 

If you can, take a trip for the weekend. Go to your parents house or a friend's house. Get away from the current surroundings even if its just a couple of hours. You need to break this cycle you're stuck in. Whatever you are doing, do something different. Because what you're doing now isn't working.

 

I am giving you advise as to how to handle the issue you're dealing with now. Not analyzing and rehashing the relationship or the girl. There's nothing you can do about all that. Work on the issue at hand.

[deadelvis]

Don't post your list of the things that haunt you. Just write it down from least to most painful. Keep it with you and starting from the least, working your way down to the most painful, cross them off as you come to terms with each one. By the time you reach the end you will have a completely different attitude about her past.

[Redhead14]

Thanks for the advice so far.

 

Redhead14, I'll try the rubber band thing. It's true, I do have depression and a tendency towards anxiety. This sort of exacerbates both of them. I don't recall having REAL anxiety attacks until now. I'll try harder on the 15 minute period. Usually, I try to give myself limited time to think about it but it gets stuck and stays there. Sometimes it fades 90% or so, but it never completely leaves me alone.

 

deadelvis, I've got a list in mind. If I ever get PM privileges, I'd rather share there than on here.

 

Spectre, I've thought about ending it. I'd hate to do that for a number of reasons.

One is I really do care about her. In terms of areas we're compatible, it's kind of ridiculous. We have almost the same personalities. That "made for each other" feeling. In a way, that's what's behind it. It's not so much jealousy as hurt. And that's not fair, because our pasts aren't that different. Hers just lasted longer than mine. Neither of us were doing things we really wanted to do, as our partners at the time were pressuring, guilting, and begging us into things (is that rape?), but things like knowing she compromised herself and stayed so long in it hurts too. In some ways, I feel like if anyone in her past genuinely cared and she genuinely wanted to do things, it'd hurt a little less.

I got out of my situation fairly quickly. When she got out of hers, she got back to being the kind of person she really is. We both generally have the same view of sex and things of that nature. I'd be a bit of a hypocrite to call it quits.

 

This sort of exacerbates both of them. - No, the depression and anxiety are not exacerbated by "this". They are the root of the problem.

 

Treat the depression and anxiety and the ruminating will subside. The fact that you can get to 90% is empirical evidence of that. The 10% that's left and creeps back in should be manageable by the rubberband trick. Stick to it.

 

I'd be a bit of a hypocrite to call it quits -- You'll be stuck in a relationship that requires constant and healthy emotional attention. If you continue on the path you're on, you won't be able to do that and it will fail for sure. My point is, use the desire to keep the relationship as the impetus for getting the depression and anxiety under control. Make the health of your relationship be the goal if you don't want to or can't handle moving on. It may end anyway, but you will have the satisfaction of having put in the effort required. And, in the end, you will come out of this a much better and stronger person for it. When life hands you a lemon, you squeeze the living hell out of it

[deadelvis]

People who are otherwise psychologically healthy can still suffer from RJ.

 

RJ can be the cause of his anxiety rather than the other way around.

 

When I was going through RJ, I underwent a complete psychological evaluation... my only problem was feeling disgusted by my girlfriends past.

[Redhead14]

People who are otherwise psychologically healthy can still suffer from RJ.

 

RJ can be the cause of his anxiety rather than the other way around.

 

When I was going through RJ, I underwent a complete psychological evaluation... my only problem was feeling disgusted by my girlfriends past.

 

From the evidence he's supplied here, I do not think this is the case for him. He should get a complete evaluation, however. For now, he should treat the depression and anxiety first.

 

Feeling disgusted by your girlfriends past and the ensuring angst and dwelling, etc. is not a response to HER past. Most people do not put so much emphasis on that and if they do, there is a preceding condition that is triggered by it. There is/was something else going on with you and knowing/hearing about her past triggered that response. Treat that underlying "issue" and you will be on the road to recovery more quickly. Feeling that disgust is a symptom, not the cause of the problems you're having.

 

I also question the counselors interpretation of the results for you or his/her delivery of those results in an effective way. You do sound to be a little better lately, and that's terrific. Keep doing what you're doing for you.

[deadelvis]

My situation was a little different. Most guys with RJ it's usually something like "She's had sex with 4 men and kissed 7. I've only had sex with 2 women and I think she's such a slut"

 

If you read between the lines (such as the long reply in italics I posted in this thread) it's clear to see that my RJ was a little more justified... and less about my own anxiety or OCD (which I've never suffered from in the past). Some things are just hard to accept. Most guys in my shoes would have ran as fast as they can...

Edited June 2, 2015 by deadelvis

[lolablue17]

I want to offer you another perspective of your RJ problem, which can't really help you at present, but may give you some hope for the future.

 

This RJ which you experience now with a lot of pain and misery, is the very same issue that will keep your relationship alive for a long long time in the future.

 

Many couples go through a process in which they live like family partners, roommates, parents, but the flame is gone. (not everybody, but it is very common)

 

Your RJ, (After you learn how to control it and deal with it) Is an assurance (not 100% of course) that this flame will never go away. I'm talking from experience...

[Redhead14]

My situation was a little different. Most guys with RJ it's usually something like "She's had sex with 4 men and kissed 7. I've only had sex with 2 women and I think she's such a slut"

 

If you read between the lines (such as the long reply in italics I posted in this thread) it's clear to see that my RJ was a little more justified... and less about my own anxiety or OCD (which I've never suffered from in the past). Some things are just hard to accept. Most guys in my shoes would have ran as fast as they can...

 

which I've never suffered from in the past -- Somethings sit in waiting from our pasts until something triggers the opening of a pandora's box so to speak.

 

You do sound like it's getting better I bet there are more things going on for you in therapy than you even realize.

[deadelvis]

I've gotten to a point now where it doesn't impact my daily life. I don't think I will ever feel comfortable with the things she's done in the past, but I don't lose sleep over it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if there are other things in her past that she isn't telling me about, or if she's been honest about certain details... but I've worked through a lot of her sexual history. I can't change it, and stressing about it didn't make things any better. But in the beginning when she dropped some of the information on me I had to really spend time sorting through it in my mind. Nobody wants to find out their girlfriend was an escort and had a huge number sexual of partners.

[Davey1]

I don't think my anxiety and depression are the cause of it, really.

I mean, to a degree, sure, but this is just...

I don't know how to explain it.

 

I just can't get the imagery to go away when it gets bad. Sometimes I just lie here begging the mental movies to go away.

I've tried meditation, thought stopping, etc.

 

Even when it's only at 90%, there's also a feeling that I'm in denial. The things she did just don't square with the person I know. Of course, I know why. I've been in similar situations.

 

But it doesn't make it any easier or last.

Right now I'm on night 3 of an anxiety attack from it all.

 

I don't want to lose her, but this just isn't leaving me alone. It always comes back, and comes back 3 times worse than the last time.

 

@ deadelvis, I've confronted each particular thing on the list time and time again, and each time I think I've beaten each one, they always start bothering me just as intensely if not more next time. For example, oral sex. I've always thought bj's were gross, and picturing her doing that just... it disturbs me. I know it's normal and not particularly dirty on an intellectual level, but gut level... yeah. That's not going away.

 

I'm exhausted in mind and body. I'm at the point I feel physically ill from it.

Edited June 3, 2015 by Davey1

[smackie9]

You always thought bjs were gross???? You have a poor image of sexual pleasure, THAT is the root of your problem. Possibly you were told that sex was dirty when you were a child? Had religious parents? This obviously stems from your upbringing.