deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) After having a number of arguements over the weekend while visiting my girlfriends hometown, we sat down and had a long discussion last night. She has pretty much slept with every man she is friends with at some point during the course of their friendship. Most only once. She explained it like this. Being an attractive woman she has never felt safe hooking up with random strangers. She said she has always been afraid of being raped or some other horrible outcome. She has had some drunken one night stands but usually alcohol was a big factor allowing her to be reckless enough to go home with a stranger. So for her the safest way to have casual sex is with a friend who she feels comfortable around. She explained that most of the time when she was friends with a guy for a long time and feeling in the mood she would let them have a go at her. Most of the time she said it was just a one time thing and they went back to being normal friends again afterwards. A few who were especially fun developed into a FWB but I can only think of one in particular. It seems like her hookups can be divided into four general catagories. I will provide an example of each to illustrate my point. These names are made up. Darrel- She meets Darrel at a bar, she's been drinking. Her inhibitions are lowered so she takes a chance and goes home with Darrel. He's attractive. They hook up. It's fun. He's good in bed. She see's Darrel every few days for about 2 months. He's exciting and passionate in bed. She enjoys the sex, but he turns out to be a loser/creep so she cuts contact with him and he dissappears from her life. Walter- She has been friends with Walter for years. They hang out a lot and become close. He's not especially attractive but he's nice and funny. After a while of being friends, she gets horny (probably drunk) one night and they have sex. He's not very good in bed and the experience is overall a bit lackluster. She decides it's better to just stay friends with Walter and they continue to remain friends afterwards and the one time they had sex doesn't really seem like a big deal to her. (note: occasionally if "Walter" was actually good in bed he can continue to be a FWB for a long period of time, but he will never graduate to being the boyfriend) Ricardo- Ricardo is one of maybe 3 or 4 guys who she's had a LTR with. They really loved each other and tried to make it work but after a few years they just fell out of love. They stayed friends after the breakup and continue to remain in contact although Ricardo has moved on with his life and now has a wife and children. They still text and comment on each others facebook. I've become friends with Ricardo. John- John is a complete stranger, but she is not always the most stable person when she forgets to take her meds. She gives John a handjob at a booth in Denny's, just because sometimes it's fun to feel dirty. She lets John finger her in the parking lot. She hopes she never runs into John again. John is a 47 year old accountant with a receding hairline. Now that's HER experieces with sex... The following are MY four examples of sexual experiences... Becky- Becky is cute, not gorgeous but cute. She's boring and we have nothing in common, but she has a great body and she's not bad looking. After buying her a few drinks we go back to her place. I'm hammered but I drive anyway. We have sex. It's fun so I call her again a few days later and we have sex again. I make sure to really "rock her world" this time. After a few days of casual sex and texting I can start to see she really likes me and want's a relationship, but I don't return her feelings so I stop calling. Years go by. Now she's married and I see her and her husband around town. She gives me a strange wistful look every time I see her and I can tell her husband knows about our history. I feel really bad for her husband, not because he married Becky but because he will always have to see me around town. Ashley- Ashley is hot. She gets attention from every guy in the bar. I pursue her over the course of a few weeks. I get her number. We go on some dates. We hit it off. We both see relationship potential. We start seeing more of each other. We start having sex. The sex is great. We start sleeping over at each others houses. Feelings begin to develop. We talk about being monogamous to each other. I feel my heart beat faster every time she texts me. We date for a while and every time we have sex it's amazing. She ends up doing too many jagerbombs on ladies night at the local sports pub and goes home with a foreigner whose name I can't pronounce. I feel betrayed and we get in a huge fight. We stop talking to each other. Now I bump into Ashley around town once in a while. We buy each other a drink and talk. There's still a lot of attraction between us. Sometimes it seems like she wants me to kiss her but she has a boyfriend now, and when he's around, Ashley and I pretend we don't know each other. Mary- Mary is one of 3 or 4 women who I had a LTR with. We dated for years. We lived together. We were so in love but as usually happens, it didn't work out. We broke up and after a while we became close friends again. Mary has a new boyfriend and we're all friends. I actually introduced them. Mary and I are very close. We feel like best friends. There is no sexual attraction between us anymore. Those feelings died about halfway through our relationship. But we will always be close friends. She gives me relationship advice and becomes friends with my new girlfriend. Judith- I can't even remember if Judith was really her name. I woke up with the name Judith scrawled on my arm in sharpy marker and a phone number. There's a used condom in the pocket of my sweatshirt. I have one vague memory of a girl with curly hair and a fat ass helping me find my cell phone. I have a big gash on my forehead. My friend tells me two days later I fell out of a jacuzzi. Every time I see a girl with a fat ass and curly hair I pray to god her name isn't Judith. So. You see there are certain similarities, but there are also notable differences. Now that I'm with my current girlfriend, I still talk to Mary a lot and we hang out. In fact her and my current GF are becoming really close friends. But I would find it highly innappropriate to hang out with Ashley or even Becky for that matter. If I'm with my girlfriend and I see Ashley or Becky (or god forbid Judith) in the bar, I leave the bar and go somewhere else. I do this out of respect for my girlfriend. I feel sorry for both Ashley's boyfriend and Becky's husband. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes. My girlfriend is still really close with Ricardo and Walter. I like Ricardo. We get along well. I can see us becoming close friends. It doesn't bother me at all that he and my GF were long time partners. Ricardo is to her what Mary is to me. More like a sibling than an ex. My GF doesn't run into Darrel much. If we bump into him there's an awkward moment where I say "oh god, that was Darrel?" and then I keep my mouth shut and we try not to bring it up in conversation. Darrel isn't fun to bump into but I rarely see him and he's not a part of her life anymore so it's not a big deal. Nobody knows John. I don't even know if John was his real name. He may have actually been from Florida. Lets just not think about John, it's easier that way. But the problem with me is Walter. Walter is actually about 20 dudes. All of which she considers close friends. They all still look at her like she was the best thing that ever happened to them, and she can't understand why it makes me uncomfortable that she spends all her time hanging out with Walter(s). When we hang out with her friends, it's me and 3 Walters sitting at the bar together. When she goes to hang out with her friends alone it's just her, her two girlfriends and the Walters, whichever Walters happen to be around that night. She see's nothing strange about this. She thinks it's perfectly natural to have banged every guy she knows. It's not that Walter isn't a nice guy, he just makes me uncomfortable and I don't understand why she would have slept with Walter in the first place. I have lots of female friends. I didn't sleep with any of them. Now it's become a huge issue because every time we hang out with her friends I'm asking things like "wait, you seriously banged every guy in this room?" And then I'm the jealous boyfriend because that makes me uncomfortable. I don't mind Ricardo. He's a different story. We have BarBQs together in the park and play frisbee. Now there's a Walter who she banged shortly before we started dating (we have been together for about 3 months) who she is going to hang out with alone some time this weekend. I've never met this Walter, but he contacted her about 6 weeks ago and his intentions seemed not entirely innocent (remember they banged not long ago and she banged him maybe 4 or 5 times before calling it quits) She says she really values his friendship and there's nothing to be jealous of. But I'm one more Walter away from losing my mind. Edited May 22, 2015 by deadelvis 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Just end this relationship already. If I'm not mistaken, you've created several other threads just within the last couple days outlining your struggles with her. It's clearly not working for you. Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Just add your name to her list and keep it moving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) the problem is aside from our "sex related" issues (jealousy included) our relationship is amazing. and I really do trust her to be faithful plus that would make her just another Ashley. but I want to Mary this girl Edited May 22, 2015 by deadelvis Link to post Share on other sites
cessna Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 She explained that most of the time when she was friends with a guy for a long time and feeling in the mood she would let them have a go at her. Let them " have a go at her"? She sounds classy... And how do you know her past sexual encounters so intimately? I would never ask nor want to know about my girlfriends past experiences and I wouldn't expect her to want to know mine either. I find it strange you know which guys she was with that were great in bed or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 oh yeah she's about as classy as they get. lol we were really open and honest at the start of our relationship. back then I didn't think much of it but then after a while I started having issues with it. at first we just shared stories and talked about stuff and we didn't judge or think less of each other. we both have a simliar and fairly high body count so it didn't seem like a big deal. but somewhere along the way it really started to mess me up. now she's afraid to tell me anything and I'm afraid to ask anything Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 John- John is a complete stranger, but she is not always the most stable person when she forgets to take her meds. She gives John a handjob at a booth in Denny's, just because sometimes it's fun to feel dirty. I stopped reading after that. I'm confused as to why you know these specific details about her encounters. If I were to start a relationship with someone, there are some things that are best left in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) not all of this is literal. I changed some stuff around to be more vague and some just to be funny. but the general idea is correct. we shared a lot of stuff with each other. it was actually a greyhound station, not a denny's but whatever. "John" is a bunch of crazy encounters she had, just like "Judith"... those aren't real stories, just an example of similar encounters we used to get a kick out of telling each other funny stories. now i guess it's not so funny anymore Edited May 22, 2015 by deadelvis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 not all of this is literal. I changed some stuff around to be more vague and some just to be funny. but the general idea is correct. we shared a lot of stuff with each other. it was actually a greyhound station, not a denny's but whatever. "John" is a bunch of crazy encounters she had, just like "Judith"... those aren't real stories, just an example of similar encounters we used to get a kick out of telling each other funny stories. now i guess it's not so funny anymore What's the point of posting if you're not correctly describing the situation? You won't get valuable feedback that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Photofinish Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Okay you both sleep with strangers? Why are you getting on her about it ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) But I would find it highly innappropriate to hang out with Ashley or even Becky for that matter. If I'm with my girlfriend and I see Ashley or Becky (or god forbid Judith) in the bar, I leave the bar and go somewhere else. I do this out of respect for my girlfriend. vs. When she goes to hang out with ... whichever Walters happen to be around that night. She see's nothing strange about this. She thinks it's perfectly natural to have banged every guy she knows. This is my issue... I'm supposed to just pretend like it doesn't bother me, yet I would never put her in a similar situation. Feelings don't go away. Every time I see "Ashley" I avoid her out of respect for my current relationship. She doesn't understand this and thinks its normal to be close friends with former flings. Or friends she slept with or whatever... Which is way different than being close with former LTRs Edited May 22, 2015 by deadelvis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I don't get the point of this relationship. Why are you with her if how she is bugs you that much? Life would be so much simpler if you quit making things hard on yourself and just find someone who has a whole lot more consideration for her dignity than this chick you insist on being with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 But I would find it highly innappropriate to hang out with Ashley or even Becky for that matter. If I'm with my girlfriend and I see Ashley or Becky (or god forbid Judith) in the bar, I leave the bar and go somewhere else. I do this out of respect for my girlfriend. vs. When she goes to hang out with ... whichever Walters happen to be around that night. She see's nothing strange about this. She thinks it's perfectly natural to have banged every guy she knows. This is my issue... I'm supposed to just pretend like it doesn't bother me, yet I would never put her in a similar situation. Feelings don't go away. Every time I see "Ashley" I avoid her out of respect for my current relationship. She doesn't understand this and thinks its normal to be close friends with former flings. Or friends she slept with or whatever... Which is way different than being close with former LTRs It's plain as day she doesn't have the level of respect for you that you do for her. She isn't on the same page. If a girl were really in love with you, she wouldn't insist on keeping her former f-buddies around. The fact that she does so (and against your wishes) says a lot about her commitment to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) I don't expect her to walk away from her long time friends just because they may have hooked up a long time ago, but I feel her insistence on being unquestioned about hanging out with recent flings is disrespectful and innappropriate But her POV is she only hooked up with "Walters" after being friends first, so every Walter is a friend, and I can't be upset about her hanging out with them. Even if she slept with him less than six months ago. Such bulls**t Edited May 22, 2015 by deadelvis Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Yes, dude, you have a problem. The problem is not that she's slept with many friends. The problem is that she understands that some things make you uncomfortable, yet she ignores it completely. She sees that her loved Bf is concern about things, and she doesn't change her daily routine even not a tiny bit! This is a red flag, this is a HUGE red flag. I'm sure that if she was willing to come half way to you, and to reduce the amount of the Walters, and to reduce the encounters with them FOR YOU BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU, It could have made you more secure and comfortable. But no! - She insists keeping only her way as the only way. She doesn't see you at all. She sees through you. You're not really exist, and when hard days come, She may not be there for you when you need her. Let's say for example i have a Gf who i love very much. But i also have pocker buddies, Which we play 2-3 a week until 2:00-3:00 AM, And i also have other buddies, which we play basketball in my own yard on 14:00-16:00 every saturday and sunday. But what if the pocker thing makes my Gf uncomfortable, because she hates the cigarettes smoke, and because she doesn't like this atmosphere too much, and the basketball make a lot of noise when she is resting... So I can tell her that "there's nothing wrong with pocker and there's nothing wrong with basketball, that's my way of living and It's your problem - just deal with it!" Or if i really love her and care about her i would try to reduce my pocker evenings, and try to change my basketball days and hours until she feels good. Why? Because I love her so much. How can a girl who claims she loves you, tells you to handle you problems without changing her routine, the routine that you're so concern about? My logic tells me that she doesn't love you so much. She likes you but only if you fit yourself 100% to her current daily routine. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 It's an exercise in creative writing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) I think a big part of it is intent and context. An old friend (who she may have hooked up with long ago) who joins her and her boyfriend for drinks is much different than a recent fling asking her out for drinks, and her accepting the invitation. Totally different situations Part of the problem is her refusing to see that difference. (oh and sadly... other than the alteration of a few details and names, this is not a fictional situation. I wish it were) Edited May 22, 2015 by deadelvis Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I'm not seeing any attempt at a real relationship here, and I'm not seeing any love, either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 on which end? hers or mine? or both Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 on which end? hers or mine? or both It looks like both to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 how so on mine. I would like to correct my own behaviour as much as possible, even just for future relationships if this doesn't work out Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 how so on mine. I would like to correct my own behaviour as much as possible, even just for future relationships this doesn't work out, or if I kill every walter and go to prison it might help in my relationship with my cell mates Would you say that you love her? Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I understand you since i dont think i could/would handle if i had a boyfriend and he had any girlfriends he wouldnt do without, oh man a difficult situation, I hope she Will begin to understand and respect your emotions concerning her boyfriends- but good that you both are able to talk about it:cool: I personally would let go 100 % of old boyfriends in order to focus on The one i would be with. Maybe Im from another planet i dont hope so since i Then Will experience what you do now if i meet someone:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 yes I love her very much, so much that I'm now having to swallow my feelings on this and let her hang out with a recent FWB this weekend by herself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 Noideanow... you must be from a different planet. a planet I wish my girlfriend would visit. a planet where you put the feelings of your partner above anything else. I would cut ANYONE out of my life for her, no questions asked. She can't even let go of some casual FWBs from her recent past... bulls**t 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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