BF is going for an overnight I know he loves me but I'm feeling insecure. Help!

[Orca89]

I've been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year. He has kids and his stbxw invited him to his daughters out of town bday party, guess his ex takes his daughter out of town for her birthday since it falls on a 3 day weekend . He is going for an overnight I know he loves me but I'm feeling insecure about this and am not happy about it. Not sure why he has to go meet up with them, can't he celebrate with his daughter on his own? I'm super pissed about it bc he's always saying how crazy his ex is!! Need someone to talk to about this!

[Phoenician]

orca ,

 

I know your feeling ,

 

but no , his daughter has the right to enjoy at least on her bdate having parents celebrating with her .

 

stengthen your relationship with trust , and never pressure on him on those issues , it is not right ...

 

if one day he neglect his daughter you should even blame him .

 

Relax ,if anything wrong happens you will feel it , beleieve me , my wife has trusted me 15 years , I used to travel and she hear from others stories that they send me entraitenment to my hotel room , yet i never cheated , she used to laugh and say , i know my husband .

 

only when our marriage became vulnerable she freaked (after 15 years).

 

your LTR should not be vulnerable at this stage , it is too early !

[Orca89]

Problem is I know they have hooked up since we have been together, so it makes me worry. He did leave her for me though

[lolablue17]

No one can assure you anything. But if he changes his mind and wants to go back to his family it will happen with or without this Birthday out of town party.

[Orca89]

I have also never met his kids....he says its bc his ex is psycho and doesn't want to involve me...I don't know I guess I'm feeling like he doesn't want me to be a part of that part of his life and his kids are a huge part of him!! I'm so confused and maybe thinking to much.

[carhill]

Cynical old fart fMM version opinion:

Background:

 

STBXW - still married

 

Left STBXW for current partner

 

Lives with current partner for over a year

 

Has had conjugal relations with STBXW since living with new partner

 

Current partner has no contact of any sort with his family, apparently. All information about what is going on is unverifiable.

 

Opinion:

 

Potential relationship of convenience or parallel relationship. Would need more background.

 

Advice:

 

Either accept the current milieu or move on. When it comes to 'family', IMO you'll never have the high ground in any negotiations and any boundaries will be seen as unreasonable. Yeah, it can be a mind-fµck but humans are good at that kind of stuff.

 

The only behavior you have full control of is your own and you have choices. Think it through and make the choices which are healthiest for you. Good luck!

[Lois_Griffin]

Problem is I know they have hooked up since we have been together, so it makes me worry. He did leave her for me though

I guess you weren't aware that when an OW moves up to the girlfriend position, she leaves a vacancy?

[sandylee1]

If he left her for you, then he must have felt you were worth it right?

 

It's important that a child doesn't loose out more than necessary when their parents split up and tbh, you should probably expect some degree of baggage with a guy who has kids. A celebration with just her and her dad (not sure of her age) ,may not be such fun.

 

My ex SIL arranges parties for the kids birthdays and my brother attends as well. We the siblings all attend and get on just fine. My brother is remarried, but she wasn't an OW.

 

When you say he left her for you, would I be correct in presuming you had an affair with him?

Why isn't he divorced yet? I know it takes some time in certain places.

 

If the divorce is going ahead, then try and have some trust. If you don't have trust, then your relationship doesn't have a foundation and won't have a great chance of lasting.

 

When he says she's crazy, is he fearing she could do something?

 

Why did you stay with him after he hooked up with her before?

 

Sometimes it is part of the separation agreement that the kids don't meet the FOW until the divorce is final. I can be confusing for them otherwise. Can I ask where he sees them during his visitation time? If it's not at your home.

[Orca89]

Yes, him and I had an affair. He actually didn't pursue the divorce, bc he couldn't afford it so she served him. He sees the kids at her house or takes them out by himself for the day. They have never been to our home or had an overnight.

 

Well just an update that he ended up staying the night Bc the party was far away, he said he was to tired to drive. I'm not sure how late a young kid stays up at night but not sure he had to stay.

 

I stayed with him after he hooked up with her before bc I love him but if it keeps happening im not sure what I'll do. He didn't come home though and that makes me uncomfortable to be honest.

 

When I bring it up he gets mad and says it was innocent, that he was simply there for his kids. I feel like I will forever be out of that part of his life!

[Lois_Griffin]

When my husband and I divorced, he never spent a night away with my son and I or a weekend away with us, etc. etc.

 

I love how married men always lie and claim their wife is 'psycho' so they don't have to put their money where their mouths are and lead an authentic life. It's just so typical.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't know I guess I'm feeling like he doesn't want me to be a part of that part of his life and his kids are a huge part of him!! I'm so confused and maybe thinking to much.

His kids AREN'T a 'huge part of him' or he'd be the kind of father he's supposed to be. Instead, he's living a secret life with his affair partner and can't even bring them to his own home to spend quality time. What kind of father leaves his family and then keeps his home a complete secret from his kids?

 

Tell him not to dust off a place on the mantel for his Father of the Year award just yet.

[sandylee1]

Yes, him and I had an affair. He actually didn't pursue the divorce, bc he couldn't afford it so she served him. He sees the kids at her house or takes them out by himself for the day. They have never been to our home or had an overnight.

 

Well just an update that he ended up staying the night Bc the party was far away, he said he was to tired to drive. I'm not sure how late a young kid stays up at night but not sure he had to stay.

 

I stayed with him after he hooked up with her before bc I love him but if it keeps happening im not sure what I'll do. He didn't come home though and that makes me uncomfortable to be honest.

 

When I bring it up he gets mad and says it was innocent, that he was simply there for his kids. I feel like I will forever be out of that part of his life!

 

I guess only time will tell and considering he left her for you, he must have felt you were pretty special and worth the whole upheaval to his life. Having said that, I'm sure his wife felt special once too.

[ascendotum]

Problem is I know they have hooked up since we have been together, so it makes me worry. He did leave her for me though

I thought there is no way you can begrudge him from visiting his daughter on her birthday, but this little bit of info ^ certainly explains your angst over his visit to his ex. Some will say its karma for you being the OW in his marriage, and I suspect that thought would have crossed his ex wife's mind. I know people are saying you are more special because he left her for you, and I would say the same, but the fact that she forced his hand when it came to ending the marriage + this info about them hooking up since..its not ideal...but you'll never know for sure.

[karnak]

Cynical old fart fMM version opinion:

Background:

 

STBXW - still married

 

Left STBXW for current partner

 

Lives with current partner for over a year

 

Has had conjugal relations with STBXW since living with new partner

 

Current partner has no contact of any sort with his family, apparently. All information about what is going on is unverifiable.

 

Opinion:

 

Potential relationship of convenience or parallel relationship. Would need more background.

 

Advice:

 

Either accept the current milieu or move on. When it comes to 'family', IMO you'll never have the high ground in any negotiations and any boundaries will be seen as unreasonable. Yeah, it can be a mind-fµck but humans are good at that kind of stuff.

 

The only behavior you have full control of is your own and you have choices. Think it through and make the choices which are healthiest for you. Good luck!

 

Speaking as a man, I think Carhill is absolutely right on this one.

I too think you're being played.

Your "boyfriend" is using for sex. The fact that he doesn't want you to meet his kids and allow you into his family says that he's not really into you. As long as you keep giving him "free sex" he'll keep his routine.

I'm sorry to say that I strongly suspect that he's also having sex with his ex-wife. In fact you've already told us that he's done that previously. If he's done it once he can easily do it wice (or more).

 

Sorry if you think I'm being too harsh. But I've known plenty of cases like that. Divorced guys who don't want to go to the troubles of having a serious relationship again and who will string emotionally needy women along, for as long as they provide tem with sex. In fact I've known a couple of cases in which divorced couples (who already have bonded with other partners) sometimes meet in order to have sex "for old times sake".

Like Carhill said, human relationships can be pretty messed-up.

 

If you want to have a serious and meaningful relationship with this man then he has to prove that he wants you to be a part of his life and family. Otherwise you have no future together.

As Carhill very well stated you can only control your actions and choices. Decide what is best for you. It's not worthy being in a relationship if you don't feel fulfilled or satisfied.

[Lois_Griffin]

Speaking as a man, I think Carhill is absolutely right on this one.

I too think you're being played.

Your "boyfriend" is using for sex. The fact that he doesn't want you to meet his kids and allow you into his family says that he's not really into you. As long as you keep giving him "free sex" he'll keep his routine.

She's giving him more than that. He's also getting a place to live, a clean house, cooked meals, his laundry done, a bed to sleep in and all the adoration and sex he can stand.

 

Hell. I want in on a deal like that.

[sandylee1]

 

Well just an update that he ended up staying the night Bc the party was far away, he said he was to tired to drive. I'm not sure how late a young kid stays up at night but not sure he had to stay.

 

SO DID HE STAY AT HER HOUSE? OR A HOTEL?

 

I stayed with him after he hooked up with her before bc I love him be honest.

 

DID HE TELL YOU HE HOOKED UP WITH HER OR DID YOU FIND OUT?

 

When I bring it up he gets mad and says it was innocent, that he was simply there for his kids. I feel like I will forever be out of that part of his life!

 

DID HE INITIALLY GET BUSTED IN THE AFFAIR OR DID HE CONFESS?

 

DID HE LEAVE OF HIS OWN ACCORD OR DID SHE THROW HIM OUT?

 

DO THE KIDS KNOW HE CHEATED ON THEIR MOTHER? IF THEY DO? MAYBE THEY DON'T WANT TO MEET YOU AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO HURT YOU BY SAYING THIS.

 

A few questions on caps above.

[Orca89]

We live and work together so our lives are entwined. I feel like our life together is solid and stable except for the ex-wife factor. I appreciate all the comments but I don't think I'm just sex we have way more going on than that. The only thing I get weirded out about is when he spends time with the kids when his ex is around and am hoping that all changes once the divorce is final.

He has been acting a bit distant since the weekend but I know he had fun with the kids and misses having them in his life. He doesn't know that I get weirded out, I hide it well Bc I don't want to interfere with his daddy duties so I came here to vent and gear others take on the situation.

After they are officially divorced whst the best way to start incorporating the kids?

I am expected to get along with his psychotic ex? She has acted crazy with me in the past. I've never met her but she used to contact me cling me names etc.

I just don't know what to expect and I want to handle it well

[sandylee1]

we live and work together so our lives are entwined. I feel like our life together is solid and stable except for the ex-wife factor. I appreciate all the comments but i don't think i'm just sex we have way more going on than that. The only thing i get weirded out about is when he spends time with the kids when his ex is around and am hoping that all changes once the divorce is final.

He has been acting a bit distant since the weekend but i know he had fun with the kids and misses having them in his life.

 

He may also feel guilty about not being there for them all the time.

 

After they are officially divorced whst the best way to start incorporating the kids?

 

Incorporating the kids really needs to come from him, but depending on their ages and knowledge of why he left, they may not feel ready to meet you for quite some time.

 

I am expected to get along with his psychotic ex?

 

There are no rules about what's to be expected, but realistically, she's never going to like you. She's unlikely to want to communicate with you and seeing you will make her trigger.

 

I just don't know what to expect and i want to handle it well

 

some betrayed kids never want to meet the om/ow . The parent who was unfaithful has to do a lot of work on this. Once the divorce is final, will his visitation be at your home? If so, they'll probably have to meet you, ;but it depends on what he's told the kids about you. It really is down to him.

 

You could start by asking your bf if you'll be able to meet them after the divorce. If he doesn't want you to, then you can't really do anything about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

We live and work together so our lives are entwined. I feel like our life together is solid and stable except for the ex-wife factor. I appreciate all the comments but I don't think I'm just sex we have way more going on than that. The only thing I get weirded out about is when he spends time with the kids when his ex is around and am hoping that all changes once the divorce is final.

He has been acting a bit distant since the weekend but I know he had fun with the kids and misses having them in his life. He doesn't know that I get weirded out, I hide it well Bc I don't want to interfere with his daddy duties so I came here to vent and gear others take on the situation.

After they are officially divorced whst the best way to start incorporating the kids?

I am expected to get along with his psychotic ex? She has acted crazy with me in the past. I've never met her but she used to contact me cling me names etc.

I just don't know what to expect and I want to handle it well

 

You talk about the "ex-wife factor" as if it's a minor irritation. This man cheated with you and on you. I don't know what exactly you define as a solid and stable relationship, but this isn't it. I promise. He doesn't respect you or his ex. And sorry, but sour grapes that he messed around with her. What went around came around. I suspect that's why you took him back.

 

The problem isn't going go away any time soon. He and his ex will always be connected because they have children together. The children might not be so interested in meeting you, as you are the third party in their parents' marriage. Even if they don't know or understand the details now, they will someday. And those children will always come before you. You can't integrate them if they don't want to be, or if their father doesn't permit it.

 

And when you say his ex-wife acted crazy with you, how so? You can't really be too surprised about that. You were having an affair with her husband. All you can do now is ignore.

 

When are they going to finalize this divorce?

[kendahke]

Problem is I know they have hooked up since we have been together, so it makes me worry. He did leave her for me though

 

Now the shoe is on the other foot and you don't like the fit.

 

If he didn't leave her for himself and his own peace of mind, then there is a good chance that he's not done with her, emotionally.

 

But no, he has every right to celebrate his child's birthday with her on his terms, not yours. You are not a part of that dynamic-in fact, you interrupted that dynamic by pursuing a man who had a family.

[stillafool]

He has been acting a bit distant since the weekend but I know he had fun with the kids and misses having them in his life. He doesn't know that I get weirded out, I hide it well Bc I don't want to interfere with his daddy duties so I came here to vent and gear others take on the situation.

After they are officially divorced whst the best way to start incorporating the kids?

I am expected to get along with his psychotic ex? She has acted crazy with me in the past. I've never met her but she used to contact me cling me names etc.

I just don't know what to expect and I want to handle it well

 

You shouldn't be hiding anything least of all how you feel. How are you two going to work out problems if you hide your feelings from him and rely on strangers in a forum for support? Are you hiding your feelings because you are afraid you will lose him if you tell him how you feel? If so, he is already lost. He may be acting weird since he got back because he had sex with his ex, misses his kids and is confused. You don't know because you won't talk to him about it. Is this the kind of life you want with a man?

[kendahke]

some betrayed kids never want to meet the om/ow . The parent who was unfaithful has to do a lot of work on this. Once the divorce is final, will his visitation be at your home? If so, they'll probably have to meet you, ;but it depends on what he's told the kids about you. It really is down to him.

 

You could start by asking your bf if you'll be able to meet them after the divorce. If he doesn't want you to, then you can't really do anything about it.

 

I've heard of judges stipulating in the divorce decree that the OW cannot be present when he has his children for visitation.

 

The divorce isn't going to solve anything--he will be legally bound to its terms and there will be nothing you can do about it. The mother has every right to try to keep her children from the person whose presence destroyed her children's home. I wouldn't be counting on meeting them any time soon, especially if his wife has anything to say about it.

 

And she's not psycho--she's protecting her children.

[sandylee1]

I've heard of judges stipulating in the divorce decree that the OW cannot be present when he has his children for visitation.

 

Reply from sandylee1 - Yes, I've heard this too. But if they eventually get married, I don't think a judge can rule against this

 

.

 

I agree that he could be distant because he and his wife may well have slept together on the trip. In her eyes he's still her husband.

[carhill]

After they are officially divorced whst the best way to start incorporating the kids?

Age-appropriate interaction with their father taking the lead and away from the domicile to start.

I am expected to get along with his psychotic ex?

Impossible to read the man's mind. Do you think you should have to get along with any particular person? How do you handle inappropriate behaviors in your own family where interaction occurs?

She has acted crazy with me in the past. I've never met her but she used to contact me cling me names etc.

 

You don't ever have to meet her and can simply cut any other methods of communication. In reality, she's nobody to you. She's certainly the mother of the man's children. Hence, any tangential perspective and interaction will turn upon that dynamic and the man is the point of contact since he's the co-parent. Absent the co-parent factor, she's no more or less important than myself or the billions of other strangers out there whom you have not a modicum of care for. Act in a style which reflects that lack of care. It's normal.

[minime13]

He's a cheater. He cheated on his wife with you, and he's cheated on you with his now ex-wife. Can you accept that?

 

If so, then don't stress out over these events and accept that he is messing around. Because he probably did. If not, then end it and move on.