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I need some candid, honest advice.

 

My partner of 9 years cheated on me a few years ago. There are countless negative adjectives I could use to decribe that time in our relationship, but that's not the point. We managed to stay together and I managed to forgive a lot of what happened.

 

My partner works nights and I work days, this has left very little time to spend with each other. In the past few weeks I have noticed certain things which are triggering my sense of impending doom. For example, she's showering more frequently, wearing concealer (she never ever wears make up) I saw her deleating messages from her phone, she's texting people more often (often telling me it's just her boss) She's been more distant, sleeps all the time instead of waking up to spend time with me and she just now wants to get married, but has completely stalled on telling her parents about our plans (which is partially justified due to her father's homophobia). When she cheated on me the first time, most of these same things happened.

Tonight I looked through her cell phone while she slept and I found a message between her and one of her new employees where she's telling her she's pretty and smart. They were also texting after the time my partner told me she'd gone to bed for the day (after her night shift) There is only today's messages, but implied they'd talked previously, so I assume that her messages are the ones being deleated.

I am not sure how to proceed, if I confront her now and we don't break up she will be even more secretive and it may take me that much longer to catch her out. Or I wait to say anything until I actually catch something very incriminating. I had/have so many hopes and dreams for our life together, but after this, again, I don't know how I can believe a word out of her mouth. She will surely deny everything and claim it's all innocent. Even if it is, why do I have to go through all this doubt and anxiety. And it's it's not her, it will likely be another girl at another time. Or maybe it won't and it's just harmless flirting?? But I know that if I was caught flirting with someone else it would be the end of the earth to my partner.

I thought my partner was my soul mate, my absolute best friend. I certainly don't talk of breaking up with her lightly. We have a house together, friends, pets, a whole world I would be shattering. But I have to worth something too. I don't know what to do...

 

Thanks

Newticus

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ExpatInItaly

It sounds like she's up to no good again. Sorry, OP. I know this must be very painful.

 

But even if she's not cheating, there clearly is a huge lack of trust, and rightfully so. She showed you in the past that she isn't trustworthy. Without trust, a healthy relationship is impossible. I wouldn't continue this with her. It doesn't sound as though it's working all that well anymore.

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I4givehim
I need some candid, honest advice.

 

My partner of 9 years cheated on me a few years ago. There are countless negative adjectives I could use to decribe that time in our relationship, but that's not the point. We managed to stay together and I managed to forgive a lot of what happened.

 

My partner works nights and I work days, this has left very little time to spend with each other. In the past few weeks I have noticed certain things which are triggering my sense of impending doom. For example, she's showering more frequently, wearing concealer (she never ever wears make up) I saw her deleating messages from her phone, she's texting people more often (often telling me it's just her boss) She's been more distant, sleeps all the time instead of waking up to spend time with me and she just now wants to get married, but has completely stalled on telling her parents about our plans (which is partially justified due to her father's homophobia). When she cheated on me the first time, most of these same things happened.

Tonight I looked through her cell phone while she slept and I found a message between her and one of her new employees where she's telling her she's pretty and smart. They were also texting after the time my partner told me she'd gone to bed for the day (after her night shift) There is only today's messages, but implied they'd talked previously, so I assume that her messages are the ones being deleated.

I am not sure how to proceed, if I confront her now and we don't break up she will be even more secretive and it may take me that much longer to catch her out. Or I wait to say anything until I actually catch something very incriminating. I had/have so many hopes and dreams for our life together, but after this, again, I don't know how I can believe a word out of her mouth. She will surely deny everything and claim it's all innocent. Even if it is, why do I have to go through all this doubt and anxiety. And it's it's not her, it will likely be another girl at another time. Or maybe it won't and it's just harmless flirting?? But I know that if I was caught flirting with someone else it would be the end of the earth to my partner.

I thought my partner was my soul mate, my absolute best friend. I certainly don't talk of breaking up with her lightly. We have a house together, friends, pets, a whole world I would be shattering. But I have to worth something too. I don't know what to do...

 

Thanks

Newticus

Go with your gut feeling. You know in your heart that she is not being true to you. Sorry this is happening to you. You sound like you are a great guy and you deserve better. Good luck.

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PegNosePete
I am not sure how to proceed, if I confront her now and we don't break up she will be even more secretive

Yes. So you confront her now and you do break up. How do you think this story is going to end? You forgave her once and she has not learned, has not changed and still has no respect for you, your relationship or any moral values whatsoever. You need to dump this cheating liar right now and don't give her yet another chance. Yes sometimes cheaters can change but your gf obviously has no interest in changing, and will keep on cheating and cheating and cheating as long as you let her. How long are you prepared to put up with this? How many times must she go through this same cycle before you get some self-respect?

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Great girl, I believe it is.

 

Let her go hon. Not much more for it than that. Either you live in constant uncertainty/suspicion/jealousy or just wipe the slate clean and start over.

 

You'll be okay. :)

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La.Primavera

In your heart you know the truth. You know the warning signs better than anybody because you have been there before.

 

Don't you think you deserve better than this?

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She has no respect for your relationship, so it's not worth keeping a life together if she doesn't want to be in it with you. You are not the one who is shattering your world...she has already done it, now she is doing it again.

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Space Ritual
I need some candid, honest advice.

 

My partner of 9 years cheated on me a few years ago. There are countless negative adjectives I could use to decribe that time in our relationship, but that's not the point. We managed to stay together and I managed to forgive a lot of what happened.

 

My partner works nights and I work days, this has left very little time to spend with each other. In the past few weeks I have noticed certain things which are triggering my sense of impending doom. For example, she's showering more frequently, wearing concealer (she never ever wears make up) I saw her deleating messages from her phone, she's texting people more often (often telling me it's just her boss) She's been more distant, sleeps all the time instead of waking up to spend time with me and she just now wants to get married, but has completely stalled on telling her parents about our plans (which is partially justified due to her father's homophobia). When she cheated on me the first time, most of these same things happened.

Tonight I looked through her cell phone while she slept and I found a message between her and one of her new employees where she's telling her she's pretty and smart. They were also texting after the time my partner told me she'd gone to bed for the day (after her night shift) There is only today's messages, but implied they'd talked previously, so I assume that her messages are the ones being deleated.

I am not sure how to proceed, if I confront her now and we don't break up she will be even more secretive and it may take me that much longer to catch her out. Or I wait to say anything until I actually catch something very incriminating. I had/have so many hopes and dreams for our life together, but after this, again, I don't know how I can believe a word out of her mouth. She will surely deny everything and claim it's all innocent. Even if it is, why do I have to go through all this doubt and anxiety. And it's it's not her, it will likely be another girl at another time. Or maybe it won't and it's just harmless flirting?? But I know that if I was caught flirting with someone else it would be the end of the earth to my partner.

I thought my partner was my soul mate, my absolute best friend. I certainly don't talk of breaking up with her lightly. We have a house together, friends, pets, a whole world I would be shattering. But I have to worth something too. I don't know what to do...

 

Thanks

Newticus

 

Whatever trust you two have is gone regardless, so it's a moot point. All the details you described are classic examples of the initial phases of the infatuation dance. Do yourself a favor and move forward without her. That is way too much drama to have with someone along with allowing your self worth to take a back seat to your desire to remain together. RUN!!!!

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Redhead14
I need some candid, honest advice.

 

My partner of 9 years cheated on me a few years ago. There are countless negative adjectives I could use to decribe that time in our relationship, but that's not the point. We managed to stay together and I managed to forgive a lot of what happened.

 

My partner works nights and I work days, this has left very little time to spend with each other. In the past few weeks I have noticed certain things which are triggering my sense of impending doom. For example, she's showering more frequently, wearing concealer (she never ever wears make up) I saw her deleating messages from her phone, she's texting people more often (often telling me it's just her boss) She's been more distant, sleeps all the time instead of waking up to spend time with me and she just now wants to get married, but has completely stalled on telling her parents about our plans (which is partially justified due to her father's homophobia). When she cheated on me the first time, most of these same things happened.

Tonight I looked through her cell phone while she slept and I found a message between her and one of her new employees where she's telling her she's pretty and smart. They were also texting after the time my partner told me she'd gone to bed for the day (after her night shift) There is only today's messages, but implied they'd talked previously, so I assume that her messages are the ones being deleated.

I am not sure how to proceed, if I confront her now and we don't break up she will be even more secretive and it may take me that much longer to catch her out. Or I wait to say anything until I actually catch something very incriminating. I had/have so many hopes and dreams for our life together, but after this, again, I don't know how I can believe a word out of her mouth. She will surely deny everything and claim it's all innocent. Even if it is, why do I have to go through all this doubt and anxiety. And it's it's not her, it will likely be another girl at another time. Or maybe it won't and it's just harmless flirting?? But I know that if I was caught flirting with someone else it would be the end of the earth to my partner.

I thought my partner was my soul mate, my absolute best friend. I certainly don't talk of breaking up with her lightly. We have a house together, friends, pets, a whole world I would be shattering. But I have to worth something too. I don't know what to do...

 

Thanks

Newticus

 

She cheated once and you forgave her. If she truly respected the relationship and valued that "second chance", she would go out of her way to demonstrate she is now worthy of your trust. She's given you reason to distrust her again.

 

You open a casual, non-confrontational conversation with her and say "We've been through a lot together and I value our relationship and want to see it last. I have been sensing some distance between us. Iam also uncomfortable about the fact that you are not discussing marriage plans or telling your family about them. Is there anything you think we need to work on or improve? I'd like to hear your thoughts and feelings and keep things on track". And then, let her talk.

 

This should make her comfortable enough to be able to tell you if there is anything lacking for her that needs to be addressed and causing her to seek attention from others. In addition, it should tap into her conscience at least a little bit.

 

If she says she's happy and doesn't want to change anything, you observe her behavior for a little while longer to see if she corrects these behaviors on her own because it should give her a heads up that you think something is up or at least cause her to think about her behavior.

 

If she doesn't, you tell her that you are not getting what you need from the relationship anymore and move on.

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