Musicguy201 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I have a dilemma that has been ongoing through my last few relationships. I made friends with a lady I met online about 2 years ago. I'll call her Sara. We were never romantic (no spark), but she has a potentially fatal ongoing illness, and we agreed to be friends. I see her about once a week now and support her in any way I'm able, and we've become very good friends- talking about personal issues, romantic liaisons, and almost anything life throws our way. My friendship with Sara has apparently negatively impacted my romantic relationships, including one lady who was herself a very giving person. I thought that, if anyone, she would understand my platonic friendship with Sara, but she, and others, were put off by it. I might add that none of these ladies seemed to be very jealous, in general. Some of my female friends have told me that they wouldn't 'put up' with this, either. I find myself minimizing this friendship with potential paramours, and I'm not comfortable with partial honesty. I also don't feel that this friendship changes anything in my desire to find a life mate- in other words, I put my love interest's needs first, and tend to my friendship with Sara second unless there is an emergency. My question is this: is my relationship with Sara a red herring that will sabotage all future relationships, or do I just need to search for that 'needle in a haystack' woman that is not threatened by a female friend? Ending my friendship with Sara is not an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Yeah it probably is sabotaging your relationships and will continue to do so. Especially with your attitude of "ending my relationship with sara is not an option". See, you feel you should be able to go hang out, alone, with a female..all the while you have a girlfriend? No sir, nope..that just isn't happening. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You don't want to end the friendship that is up to you, but you need to cease ever being around this Sara alone whenever you are in a relationship. If you can't do that? You don't belong in a relationship, and trust me when I say it is NOT the other womens fault, it is yours. Also my other problem is, if my gf did this I'd say she should be talking about her personal issues with me, not some other dude. Edited April 28, 2015 by Spectre 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 My question is this: is my relationship with Sara a red herring that will sabotage all future relationships, or do I just need to search for that 'needle in a haystack' woman that is not threatened by a female friend? Ending my friendship with Sara is not an option. Very few women are going to put up with another woman cornering her bf, even if it is only his mother or his sister. The fact Sara takes up so much of your time will not sit well with them and the fact (I am assuming) she is in a similar age group and a potential love rival, is a definite no-no. Sara, as your confidante and your best friend, is occupying the position in your life that your gf sees as rightfully hers. So your gf is almost always going to be threatened, upset, angry and resentful of Sara. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 My best guy friend and I met the same way you met this friend. We had a few dates, but it just didn't go anywhere. So for the past three years we have been best friends. Nothing romantic at all, and we get together when we can. We have a rule though that as soon as one of us starts dating someone, we stop going to dinner together. It's just something we do because we know that it could bother someone. Maybe you should try something like that. He and I are still in touch, but we never see each other unless the other's boyfriend or girlfriend is present. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Your friendship won't sabotage all future relationships, but it will make it more difficult to find such relationships. Just as most men don't approve of their g/f having a male best friend whom they see often, women are the same. There is usually the suspicion - usually unfounded - that there is more to the friendship than there really is. Perhaps if some of these women were t meet your friend, these irrational jealousies would be lessened. However hard this makes dating, it also weeds out those with narrow minded biases. (Assuming that you would be okay with a reciprocal arrangement?) There are open minded compassionate women who will understand and accept your friendship - it's a matter of persistence to find one who is also compatible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 However hard this makes dating, it also weeds out those with narrow minded biases. (Assuming that you would be okay with a reciprocal arrangement?) There are open minded compassionate women who will understand and accept your friendship I find your view of those of us that do not believe that having an opposite sex best friends is a good idea while in a relationship to be very "narrow minded" of you. I would try to explain my point of view, but I do not think that you are "open minded" enough to understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fardaxel Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 It doesn't help. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 You can have both a friendship & romance but the romance has to come 1st. You most likely make these women feel like they are 2nd fiddle to Sara which won't work. If you constantly talk about Sara that is a problem. Also do not initially tell these women how you met Sara. It doesn't sound platonic. If they ask, certainly don't lie but there is no need to volunteer this info. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pablee Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I don't think you need to end your friendship with her, but if you do meet a potential partner you will need to reduce the time you spend in this girl's company. A woman might find it easier to cope with you seeing her only once every few weeks or so. Most women will not be able to handle a once-a-week setup. Unless she is one of those very compassionate understanding types as mentioned by Contact. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 It may be ruining your chances but since you state it's not negotiable it's a moot point. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 The only way around this is to find a new GF that is willing to be a part of this friendship you have and meet together. I think these other women find that you do more than you should for this friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 However hard this makes dating, it also weeds out those with narrow minded biases. (Assuming that you would be okay with a reciprocal arrangement?) There are open minded compassionate women who will understand and accept your friendship - it's a matter of persistence to find one who is also compatible. It's not narrow minded to have a problem with your partner spending time alone with a best "friend" who is a member of the opposite sex. Having a problem with that isn't narrow minded, that is your survival instincts kicking in, because the entire situation is playing with fire. See, you seem to think a woman that would be okay with this would be all free spirited, open minded, compassionate, etc. That might be so, but you know what else I'd call a woman who is okay with this? Dangerously naive. The guy hangs out alone with another woman and it's not a rare occurrence, the guy is there once a week. I think people need to realize that once you get into a relationship you give up the right to be hanging out alone with members of the opposite sex. Most reasonable people would have zero problems with that. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 the lady has a fatal illness......according to you....i feel you being a friend to her and supporting her is a beautiful thing...I would be transparent if i were you about your relationship...open and honest...... one thing about relationships is that friendships either person has should extend to the other party and respect given by friends of either partner...meaning no date like situations....you shouldnt have to drop a friend .....unless no respect is shown by that person fro the relationship...being transparent open and honest....is the way to go....even down to where and how you met.......the right woman will see you are honest and trust you....i dont feel compassion or understanding is about naivity at all.....trust isnt naive...neither is having and being understanding of a person who needs friends to help support her.....and care for her in her shortened life........its honorable in my opinion to stick by your friend..but not if the friend doesnt respect your love life or other people in your life.....do whats in your heart and the right woman would want you to follow your heart any way...good luck...........deb 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Musicguy201 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 the lady has a fatal illness......according to you....i feel you being a friend to her and supporting her is a beautiful thing...I would be transparent if i were you about your relationship...open and honest...... one thing about relationships is that friendships either person has should extend to the other party and respect given by friends of either partner...meaning no date like situations....you shouldnt have to drop a friend .....unless no respect is shown by that person fro the relationship...being transparent open and honest....is the way to go....even down to where and how you met.......the right woman will see you are honest and trust you....i dont feel compassion or understanding is about naivity at all.....trust isnt naive...neither is having and being understanding of a person who needs friends to help support her.....and care for her in her shortened life........its honorable in my opinion to stick by your friend..but not if the friend doesnt respect your love life or other people in your life.....do whats in your heart and the right woman would want you to follow your heart any way...good luck...........deb Todreaminblue, I'm so glad you finally brought up what, to me, is the most important element in this situation: compassion. I'm not hangin with a sexy, eligible lady... on the contrary, she's usually quite ill and not up to romantic entanglements. It would be nice for a potential GF of mine to show compassion for my compassion... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fardaxel Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Todreaminblue, I'm so glad you finally brought up what, to me, is the most important element in this situation: compassion. I'm not hangin with a sexy, eligible lady... on the contrary, she's usually quite ill and not up to romantic entanglements. It would be nice for a potential GF of mine to show compassion for my compassion... Well, you asked the question. And it's unfair for you to label women who don't want their guy nurturing a relationship with a woman who isn't their mother or sister lacking in compassion. It may not be fair, or logical, but you did ask. And this isn't gender-specific. Men would be uncomfortable with their girlfriend doing this as well. You can still be her friend. But if you want a partner, you need to maintain a very healthy boundary. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Why Opposite-Sex Friendships Will Destroy Your Marriage*|*Debra Macleod I think it's a good read. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I have a dilemma that has been ongoing through my last few relationships. I made friends with a lady I met online about 2 years ago. I'll call her Sara. We were never romantic (no spark), but she has a potentially fatal ongoing illness, and we agreed to be friends. I see her about once a week now and support her in any way I'm able, and we've become very good friends- talking about personal issues, romantic liaisons, and almost anything life throws our way. My friendship with Sara has apparently negatively impacted my romantic relationships, including one lady who was herself a very giving person. I thought that, if anyone, she would understand my platonic friendship with Sara, but she, and others, were put off by it. I might add that none of these ladies seemed to be very jealous, in general. Some of my female friends have told me that they wouldn't 'put up' with this, either. I find myself minimizing this friendship with potential paramours, and I'm not comfortable with partial honesty. I also don't feel that this friendship changes anything in my desire to find a life mate- in other words, I put my love interest's needs first, and tend to my friendship with Sara second unless there is an emergency. My question is this: is my relationship with Sara a red herring that will sabotage all future relationships, or do I just need to search for that 'needle in a haystack' woman that is not threatened by a female friend? Ending my friendship with Sara is not an option. Sure, it will have an effect on your relationships in the future. Since you will not end your relationship with Sara, I guess you have to find someone who is okay with it. Don’t interject your opinion that those women are/were threatened or flawed in some way, however. There are very good reasons that someone might not want to get involved with someone who has a relationship like you have with Sara. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I think the problem I'd have is that this friendship with Sara is exclusive. Just the two of you and I wouldn't like my bf talking about me with another woman. So if I was dating someone in your position, I'd back off once I saw these weekly meetings were never ending. As much as I am compassionate, I'd be wondering why Sara has no family or female friends to help her out. Your actions would give me the impression that you have some sort of affectionate feelings for her. Not a great feeling for a gf to have. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 OP I'm with Deb. As long as it's open and I got to meet her too, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I never have had a problem with an SO having female friends under these circumstances; even their exes. And I expect the same liberty. On the other hand, I can understand how others may baulk. We're all different with different needs in a R. Hopefully you'll find someone, that with openness and compromise, will be able to accept your friendship and even become a friend to Sara too. This kind of reminds me of a really good guy friend I had prior to my M. He ended up becoming great friends with my H. So much so that, sadly, I lost him to H when we separated. (You know how it is when some ppl find it just too awkward to continue communicating with both parties when a M ends; I don't begrudge either of them.) Anyway... Slightly off track with that, but it does go to illustrate that opposite gender friendships don't have to mean disaster. It's dependant on the parties involved and how the friendship is integrated. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Buck Turgidson Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 And bisexual people, I suppose, are permitted no friends at all. Anyone who made me ditch or distance myself from my friends would be immediately disqualified from having any kind of relationship with me. OP, just like any other preference you have, it will narrow your field of opportunity. But it will narrow it to the women actually worthy of you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
codelock Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 OP, all of my ex boyfriends had a best female friend when we were dating and it was NOT AN ISSUE for me, and at the time I was struggling with jealousy. My first ex had a best friend who was his ex. They did hang out alone and I knew he talked about our relationship with her. It wasn't an issue because I knew there was 0 attraction between them and I was his priority. He spent far more time with me than with her. My last ex-boyfriend same deal. He had several very close female friends. He had dated none of them BUT they did hang out one on one, he was there for them and so on. But again, I was his priority. I have always had close male friends. I went to a tech university that was predominantly male so I have many close guy friends. I go to movies, dinner and do lots of stuff with them one on one. Some of these friends even pay for my dinners. Were any of my exes jealous? Nope, not to my knowledge. Mainly because my boyfriend at the time was my priority and they could always meet my friends. Basically there were boundaries set and I had an open door policy that my exes can meet my friends and I'd meet theirs. All good. At the moment, I have a very close male friend. We are practically like soul mates. We also met online. Unlike your situation, we did date for almost 2 months and have been sexual several times since ending things. I'm scared of what will happen if I date someone or he dates someone else... because I know our friendship is inappropriate for a potential significant other. It is inappropriate because we are attracted to each other, have been romantically involved and there's something between us. We prioritize each other very highly, much in the way of a significant other. Therefore if either of us gets serious about someone else, we would have to cut each other out and neither of us can imagine our lives without each other in it. However, from what you described, your friendship is a friendship full of compassion, trust and platonic love. That would personally NOT bother me and I know many women who would feel the same. However, the common denominator for me and the women I know, is we have close friends of the opposite sex, so we would get it. To answer your question, yes many women will be put off by your friendship but some won't. And a woman who can understand your friendship with her and the compassion you have with your friend, and be open to meeting her sounds like a good match for you. Great friendships are hard to find. It sounds like you do not regret your romantic relationships ending but would deeply regret losing this friend in your life. Hopefully you can find a woman who would not put you in a situation where you'd have to cut this woman out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I think that for the time Sara has remaining, if you choose to maintain your level of friendship with her, to not seriously date anyone to the point of making them significant in your life. The women you're choosing do not understand and will not tolerate your friendship with Sara--best to just avoid trying to signify them and keep things FWB until you are in a place where Sara is at peace, be that with the loss of either your friendship or her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Heer Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 OMG, I hope that Sara's fatal illness can be cured,I can't imagine being in her position:(. I feel your compassion OP and its a good thing:). I feel that you're doing a good thing by making Sara's life happier even though she has a fatal illness. I feel that in a circumstance like that your gf should understand that Sara's days are numbered:( and that both of you should help her out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinkdisney Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 When I first started dating BF in 2012, he told me a few dates in that he and his ex were on friendly terms. I was ok with that until I saw that his ex-w was "using" this friendship when she was broke, needed a place to stay, was in a crisis, and would contact my BF behind my back and be inappropriate. When we became exclusive a few months later, it was at the belief that this friendship would fade out (no kids, no ties) because I was not comfortable dating a man who had an ex-wife who wanted to be "besties". I have not an issue with men having women friends, but it all has to be out in the open/on the up and up and frankly not with an ex-wife who was a liar and cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Women by their nature look for someone who can protect them and be there for them, be their best friend... You being all about protecting Sara is interfering into that basic need. You said something like of course your gf would be your priority UNLESS Sara had an emergency. Are you her only person in the world? If you are your relationship is such that she very much depends on you. The only dependants I would accept are family members of my bf. And yes, it will turn off even the most compassionate girl. And do not underestimate the fact that Sara is a person in all of this too and that girls can be very manipulative. She might want you all for herself... and it does not need to be anything romantic, just the fact that you would be willing to rush to her side day or night, and the fact that she might not have the same feelings for you as you for her, will bring anxiety into any relationship you have. If you are not her only person in the world and she has other friends and family (where is her family in all this?) then there is no reason you should feel so obliged to her. Which is what you really feel. In either case, it is clear that you would be balancing your gf's and Sara's needs for your company or protection or attention... Having said all that, there are different friendships with opposite sex so it will all depend on what kind of friendship are we talking about. I accept my boyfriend's female friends to the extent that they are friends of the relationship too, that they do not try and act as if I never entered his life, etc. My bf cut most of his female friends out, even those that I knew were not romantically involved, just because they wanted all his attention to themselves and were disrespectful of the fact he is no longer a single man (they were trying to force him to comment on some naked video of their friend, they were hanging on him physically like he was their property, ignoring me most of the time, etc). Look, it would not be ideal even if Sara is your sister let alone just some woman you are helping... She would still need you and take time from your relationship. May be you will find someone who can tolerate Sara in your life. But big majority of women would not go for it and it will be a source of problems for you. So you decide what is more important to you, rescuing someone or focusing on your own life and your own lady. Link to post Share on other sites
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