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On average how long does it take to heal from been cheating on?


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Danstacey123

I'm sure people post lots of things on sites about this type of thing. 7 months ago it all came out my ex gf was cheating on me with a college at work. I obv got the hurt that comes with it and got messed about for months after we split up. I'm just wondering does the hurt or anxiety ever go away? I had a really good 2 weeks last month and it all came back to haunt me. I still see this girl at work and the lad she cheated with. He went back to his gf as he was married. I can't escape this girl with working with her. It's only this past few months I don't see her. I never contacted her but she used to contact me a lot to talk. I get a cloud of anxiety come across me and when it does it is so hard. Anyone else been here or how long does it take to finally laugh about it and not get hurt and anxiety? Thanks.

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Your problem is that you keep seeing them, so no matter how much time passes by, you still get triggered.

 

You may need a new job, at this point.

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Danstacey123

So you think the seeing her is the problem? I'm up and down like a yoyo now. It's not been long since I went NC as well. It's so hard and it makes me anxious thinking about it at times.

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PegNosePete

Yes, seeing her will certainly set you back a lot. How are your interactions? Do you talk? Is it totally business like or do you chat about personal stuff?

 

This is the problem with dating people at work, and the whole reason why they say don't sh#t where you eat.

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Danstacey123

We don't talk now. Just I get these down feelings and hurt heart when I am not at work. I stayed in touch and stuff like you do. Just wanting to know if you heal from anxiety depression or the hurt it causes. She broke my heart.

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ExpatInItaly
We don't talk now. Just I get these down feelings and hurt heart when I am not at work. I stayed in touch and stuff like you do. Just wanting to know if you heal from anxiety depression or the hurt it causes. She broke my heart.

 

You will heal. You need to stay completely zero contact with her, besides what's required of you at work. Do not stay in touch. You will likely never arrive at the point where you can look back and "laugh about it"", as you put it. It will always sting to a degree, but it will fade tremendously and you will move past it. Stay strong.

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To move on she must be out of your life, in your case I'm afraid that means getting a new job. Once that's done people get off this rollercoaster in a timeframe of usually 3 weeks - 5 months (judging from threads in this forum).

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Danstacey123

Thank you for your replys I have gone 7 months now. Your saying the zero contact will help me heal? I find infidelity is harder to get over than a breakup.

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Terrorblade

No contact is the way to be. It is the perfect healing/coping mechanism for all kinds of break - ups.

At the moment it might look like you won't be able to stop talking to her. But you can, and you will, and months later when you are over her you will wonder why you spent so much time pining over her.

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Danstacey123

I don't want her back at all. Just awkward seeing her found work and she wants to be all friendly about things. No contact it is. I never made effort for months anyway. She did the running and wanted to come back. Thanks for your replys.

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I know that now lol!! As long as things get easier I'm happy.

 

 

Put on a smile and suck it up. That's all you can do.

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Danstacey123

Just a question to give your opinions or story's. 7 months into this now and since no contact I'm getting better, feel abit uptight and insecure at times. Please reply. Thanks.

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...How long is a piece of string...?

 

Really, your question is unanswerable.

Technically speaking they say it takes about half the time again (that you were together) to 'get over it and heal' but someone in a 25-year marriage is unlikely to take 12-and-a-half years to recover, so while that sounds reasonable in theory, in practice it really depends on the individual, their psychological maturity, and ability to 'let go'.

 

You let go, move on and heal, when you let go, move on and heal.

Sounds as if you're doing fine.

 

:)

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casey.lives

it took me 3 years for the nightly physical sensations of backstabbing to fade. Emotionally, i got over it there and then. The man i was with was just being himself and i can't love him for being like that so.. it was one person and one experience. Leaving that relationship and forgetting about him was the first step to healing. Hope this helps..

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Conventional estimates for a couple to successfully reconcile are cited at 2-5 years. I remembered I scoffed at the "years" thing when I heard it. Now I'd say it's a realistic, if not conservative, estimate. However, that example doesn't sound like it applies to you if you're NC.

 

I do think that the length of the relationship matters. I'd been with my wife for 18 years and married for 12 when discovery day arrived for me. We spent 8 months trying to reconcile (failed) and another 10 months divorcing. I'd say I was 'mostly' healed by 1 1/2 years post-divorce, which would make it about 3 years after Dday. If I had stayed with her, I've no doubt that it would have taken longer, if it would have happened at all. She was not really remorseful, except that she'd gotten caught and screwed everything up.

 

I was distressed that I wasn't "over it" even a full year after the divorce. Another poster here said it was too early and I'd feel different by two years. He was quite right.

 

There are parts of me that I'm not sure will ever really heal, though. A part of my heart has died. I've had a lovely GF for a couple of years now and I wish I could give her the man that used to invest his full heart and soul into his relationships. I just can't do that anymore. I truly love her but I'll never have all of my eggs in one basket again. I suppose being healed is a very relative term. I no longer lament the loss of the relationship at all and I wouldn't say that there's any pain from it all anymore. Yet, I'm permanently changed. Is that healed?

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Mrs. John Adams

31 years after i betrayed my husband....there are still hurts. I am 60 years old....I cannot imagine....that it will ever totally be gone.

 

We are happy. We have a wonderful relationship. We are blessed. But there are moments....reminders....when it comes back to your mind and hurts.

 

A big regret for me is that ...I can never say he is the only man i have ever been with....I can never say....I did not cheat.....and i know how important that is to him. I can never give it back to him. You can heal and move on...but you can never get back the one thing infidelity removes forever......innocence.

 

So...how long does it take? A lifetime.

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I started feeling better at 2.5 years out - and it was two affairs and him being a douche for a year so a lot to recover from.... He didn't start feeling like himself until 4.5 years after mine.

I know he wants to be a good person and remain married to me. Yet, I have anger at myself for staying sometimes... I also have insecurity and anxiety.

His went away for a guys trip last weekend and I had some pretty down days, even though I tried to stay busy.

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Danstacey123

Thank you for the replies people. People stay people go. It sounds like it's easier if you leave and move on with your life. I find now I'm seeing someone else it has helped me so much. Like someone said on the comment above you feel like part of you has died after the hurt you suffer. But yet this is the new person you become. Been told anxiety and stabbing pain goes when you move on.

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My First GF that I had we used to work together in Retail in the same department. She cheated on me, and I found out through other people shortly after we broke up, and it devastated me. I think I sat in my room for 2 weeks sleeping, drinking, and crying.

 

Of course I got a double whammy, first breakup and I got cheated on. Never fun :(

 

But yeah, the old saying Time heals all wounds is very true. In my case I got over her mostly while we still worked together and we somehow managed to be cordial with each other, but sometimes feelings would resurface and it felt bitter. After I quit that job, I think I was able to fully heal.

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davidromero43

I will just confirm what most people already said. To move on you have to get rid of everything that reminds you of her. And that is including her. Or you can fall in love with someone else and smile in her face when you see her.

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Being cheated on changes you forever just like having your home invaded and burglarized or being in a big car wreck where you were doing nothing wrong does. It makes you realize that no matter how careful you are, bad things can still happen to you that you have no control over, and it leaves you feeling vulnerable.

 

There is no time after which you are just past it. It changes you. Each person is different how long it takes them to process it. For some, it becomes an obsession it's hard to move past, something that plays over and over in their head and is so traumatic that they just can't process it and get past it. For others, they rationalize it and maybe realize that in their case, it was all the other person's fault and decide they're lucky they found out before they married them or whatever. For most, it sets you back for some time and then you venture out again.

 

But one thing you must do is dissect the whole thing, look at what hints or red flags you can now see in hindsight that you chose to ignore at the time that could have alerted you, and also look at anything you may have done to create instability that helped trigger the other person to cheat and if it's something you had a part in, then don't do that in the future. And then begin looking for red flags and getting out of relationships fast (or preferably don't get into them to begin with) when you see red flags. An example of this would be not to try to steal a woman from their boyfriend or husband, because if she'll wander while she's committed to him, then she will definitely wander on you as well down the road.

 

And just in general, look for a person who doesn't seem to be hiding things and is just open about things. There are people out there whose ethics will not allow them to feel good about themselves if they cheat. There are those who have no such ethics or use a religious crutch to "be forgiven" and just keep doing everything and then ask for forgiveness, and there are people, there are substance abusers who will use substances as their excuse for not having control over themselves or taking responsibility for their own actions, and there are people with just no ethics in that regard. So get to know someone's ethics before you let yourself fall for them.

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