Spending the night with a friend, Sketchy?

[Chants]

Hello all!

 

First, some background. I met a woman in my apartment building last summer. I helped her move out and in the process we became romantically involved. Unfortunately, she was moving to another state, so it appeared that our relationship was going to end soon. After she moved, she called me frequently. She and I then began skyping daily, often for hours at a time. She invited me to come visit her so I flew out to see her for a week.

 

During one of our skypes, the issue of the exclusivity of our relationship came up. I explained to her that if I was coming out to see her, then I wanted the relationship to be special and therefore exclusive. I told her that I did not want an open relationship. I also explained that if she wanted an open relationship, then we could still be friends, but that I would not be coming out. She got very angry and terminated the skype call. After a few hours, she left a voice message apologizing. She also agreed to be exclusive, but that it went against her nature.

 

When we met, she was recently divorced over an affair that she had with another man. She loved this other man very much, but apparently that relationship did not work out. She also had problems finding employment and supporting herself, so that's why she had to move. She moved back to where she grew up and her sister put her up temporarily.

 

When I was visiting her, we talked about our future. She needed a place to live. I told her she could live with me provided she would be committed to a relationship. We agreed that things were moving very fast, so we decided to give it three months to see how it went. If we liked it, we would commit to something more permanent. If we didn't, then we would move on.

 

My apartment was a bit too snug for the two of us, so we moved into a larger one in the same building. We understood that I would shoulder most of the financial responsibility, (rent, utilities, etc). She found a part time job at a local school, so she contributed financially with groceries.

 

I really tried to make my home our home. I got the walls painted in a color she wanted. She arranged the furniture in a way she liked, and she did a fine job, too. The place is beautiful.

 

Our time living together has been a roller-coaster. At one point we were seriously discussing marriage. But then one or two times a month, she would break up with me, then immediately make up with me. We both like fine wine and enjoy the local craft beer scene. But when she has a few glasses of wine, she gets very emotional and often angry. That's usually when she breaks up with me. She claims that I drink too much. I drink about a six pack and two bottles of wine a week. A couple of times, she would get so angry with me that she would storm off in a huff and spend the night with her friend.

 

We used to make love a couple of times a week. Then it went down to once every other week. Then once a month. The last time we made love was early January. I still make advances, but they are rebuffed.

 

In late January, she announced that she was leaving to help her sisters take care of her mother. (She hates her mother). She made that announcement after we finished a nice dinner I prepared. We ate it with a fine bottle of Pinot Noir. I thought this might just be another one of her break-ups/make-ups, so I kind of shrugged it off. But then she also told me that night that she tells all her friends that I am a great guy but she doesn't know if she wants to be exclusive. She was quite firm about leaving.

 

I was very upset. She tells me she wants to finish the school year and then move back home to take care of her mother. OK. I can't stop her. She said she wanted to continue the partnership until she leaves. She said she wanted to handle it with some integrity.

 

A few days later, I am making dinner. She comes home from her work. I hug her but she pulls away. She then sits on the couch and starts to cry. I ask her what's wrong. She doesn't answer. She then tells me she is going upstairs to rest. When she comes down for dinner, she said that she is going over to her friend's house for Friday evening. I told it sounds like fun, I enjoy her friend, she's fun and a nice hostess. She then told me very slowly and deliberately that I. Was. Not. Invited. She then told me that she was spending the night with her friend. She tells me that she needs to bond with her friend. I tell her that I am not comfortable with that idea and I don't understand why she needs an overnight to bond with a friend that lives 5 minutes away. She immediately accuses me of being insecure and possessive. She does not ask me why I was uncomfortable with it. She does not talk to me calmly about it. She then says that she is leaving because she wanted to get away from my drinking.

 

That Friday, she packs a bag and leaves, supposedly to her friend's house. She claims all she did was watch a movie, drink beer and smoke a bunch of cigarettes. The whole incident has me very shaken. I don't trust her anymore.

 

So what do you folks think?

[bubbaganoosh]

If it's me. I say to her slowly and deliberately, Don't. Come. Back. Because. Your. Tired. Of. Her. Crap. Then ask for the key back, put the furniture back the way you wanted it and buy your own food

[kendahke]

You threw in with a cheater. I'm not exactly clear on what you expect here.

 

My feeling is that she's cheating again and using her friend to run interference. The minute she told me that her having an affair is what destroyed her marriage, I'd have dropped her off at the mall.

[Space Ritual]

Hello all!

 

First, some background. I met a woman in my apartment building last summer. I helped her move out and in the process we became romantically involved. Unfortunately, she was moving to another state, so it appeared that our relationship was going to end soon. After she moved, she called me frequently. She and I then began skyping daily, often for hours at a time. She invited me to come visit her so I flew out to see her for a week.

 

During one of our skypes, the issue of the exclusivity of our relationship came up. I explained to her that if I was coming out to see her, then I wanted the relationship to be special and therefore exclusive. I told her that I did not want an open relationship. I also explained that if she wanted an open relationship, then we could still be friends, but that I would not be coming out. She got very angry and terminated the skype call. After a few hours, she left a voice message apologizing. She also agreed to be exclusive, but that it went against her nature.

 

When we met, she was recently divorced over an affair that she had with another man. She loved this other man very much, but apparently that relationship did not work out. She also had problems finding employment and supporting herself, so that's why she had to move. She moved back to where she grew up and her sister put her up temporarily.

 

When I was visiting her, we talked about our future. She needed a place to live. I told her she could live with me provided she would be committed to a relationship. We agreed that things were moving very fast, so we decided to give it three months to see how it went. If we liked it, we would commit to something more permanent. If we didn't, then we would move on.

 

My apartment was a bit too snug for the two of us, so we moved into a larger one in the same building. We understood that I would shoulder most of the financial responsibility, (rent, utilities, etc). She found a part time job at a local school, so she contributed financially with groceries.

 

I really tried to make my home our home. I got the walls painted in a color she wanted. She arranged the furniture in a way she liked, and she did a fine job, too. The place is beautiful.

 

Our time living together has been a roller-coaster. At one point we were seriously discussing marriage. But then one or two times a month, she would break up with me, then immediately make up with me. We both like fine wine and enjoy the local craft beer scene. But when she has a few glasses of wine, she gets very emotional and often angry. That's usually when she breaks up with me. She claims that I drink too much. I drink about a six pack and two bottles of wine a week. A couple of times, she would get so angry with me that she would storm off in a huff and spend the night with her friend.

 

We used to make love a couple of times a week. Then it went down to once every other week. Then once a month. The last time we made love was early January. I still make advances, but they are rebuffed.

 

In late January, she announced that she was leaving to help her sisters take care of her mother. (She hates her mother). She made that announcement after we finished a nice dinner I prepared. We ate it with a fine bottle of Pinot Noir. I thought this might just be another one of her break-ups/make-ups, so I kind of shrugged it off. But then she also told me that night that she tells all her friends that I am a great guy but she doesn't know if she wants to be exclusive. She was quite firm about leaving.

 

I was very upset. She tells me she wants to finish the school year and then move back home to take care of her mother. OK. I can't stop her. She said she wanted to continue the partnership until she leaves. She said she wanted to handle it with some integrity.

 

A few days later, I am making dinner. She comes home from her work. I hug her but she pulls away. She then sits on the couch and starts to cry. I ask her what's wrong. She doesn't answer. She then tells me she is going upstairs to rest. When she comes down for dinner, she said that she is going over to her friend's house for Friday evening. I told it sounds like fun, I enjoy her friend, she's fun and a nice hostess. She then told me very slowly and deliberately that I. Was. Not. Invited. She then told me that she was spending the night with her friend. She tells me that she needs to bond with her friend. I tell her that I am not comfortable with that idea and I don't understand why she needs an overnight to bond with a friend that lives 5 minutes away. She immediately accuses me of being insecure and possessive. She does not ask me why I was uncomfortable with it. She does not talk to me calmly about it. She then says that she is leaving because she wanted to get away from my drinking.

 

That Friday, she packs a bag and leaves, supposedly to her friend's house. She claims all she did was watch a movie, drink beer and smoke a bunch of cigarettes. The whole incident has me very shaken. I don't trust her anymore.

 

So what do you folks think?

 

 

I think you need to pack everything she still has in your apartment in trashbags and leave them at the front door and tell her to come pick them up and give you back her key. and leave her a warm can of Schlitz Malt Liquor on the porch as well on top of the bags.

 

She is trying out another dude to see if he may be worthy of welching off of for awhile. If she comes back and starts with a lot of "I'm sorry" or makes a big dramatic production, you can rest assured some other guy banged her after Craft Beers and then told her that maybe she would be a nice side piece once in awhile, but nothing permanent. You should expect she probably fell for some other Beer snob that probably drinks Stella Artois in public and takes Old Milwaukee enemas when he's jonesing for a buzz....lol

 

Seriously, Get rid of her. like NOW!

[lolablue17]

It doesn't matter what she says, but what she does. Sleeping over with a male friend means, what you have with her is not an exclusive R. Simple and sharp.

 

It's over. Don't be angry because that's who she is and she has the right to be who she is. You also has the right to pack her stuff and put it outside your door + changing the locks. If you wish to do it in a nicer way, tell her on the phone that it's over and you expect her to pack and leave.

 

I would pack and change the locks because i like to speak with clear sharp messages. It's more effective.

Edited April 4, 2015 by lolablue17

[ExpatInItaly]

It's over, OP. She's way too unstable and she jerks you around. Look at the obvious - she is not committed to this relationship. I* believe she's spending time with another guy to see if she likes him better. Tell her not to come back.

[Auspecial]

I can see how you may maintain hope in keeping the status quo since she has gone back and forth so much, and because her break offs seems to be associated with drinking, and not when she is sober.

 

My concern would be that she told you from the beginning that she doesn't like exclusitivity, and has cheated in the past to the point of divorce. Then , all these smoke and mirror explanations about what she is doing, and odd accusations about your own drinking. Trying to deflect attention off herself?

 

I think her last excuse is pretty flimsy.

 

Enjoy it for what it was, but accept its not going to be what you want it to be.

[Auspecial]

I think you need to pack everything she still has in your apartment in trashbags and leave them at the front door and tell her to come pick them up and give you back her key. and leave her a warm can of Schlitz Malt Liquor on the porch as well on top of the bags.

 

She is trying out another dude to see if he may be worthy of welching off of for awhile. If she comes back and starts with a lot of "I'm sorry" or makes a big dramatic production, you can rest assured some other guy banged her after Craft Beers and then told her that maybe she would be a nice side piece once in awhile, but nothing permanent. You should expect she probably fell for some other Beer snob that probably drinks Stella Artois in public and takes Old Milwaukee enemas when he's jonesing for a buzz....lol

 

Seriously, Get rid of her. like NOW!

 

I like it! And be sure the Schlitz is warm! LOL

[No Limit]

She's a cheater. You should ask yourself what is wrong with your way of thinking for expecting fidelity of her.

[Chants]

Thank you very much for your responses. I laughed out loud when I read the Shlitz comment.

 

I was trying to find out if I was crazy or being gaslit. It is the latter. And yes, I am going to get myself tested

 

As for where to go from here, well, she is already leaving in June. She doesn't have a place to go. Tossing her out on the street sounds very tempting. But I am concerned that she will escalate and create more drama. I have had enough of that. While I do not think that she has full-blown BDP, she certainly exhibits some elevated features of that disorder, (love you - hate you; doesn't consider consequences; many past partners; childhood abuse; raging temper; projection). My goal is to get out of this situation as quietly and peaceful as possible.

 

Thank you to those who observed that I should have known better to shack up with a cheater. I absolutely agree. Lesson learned.

 

She is flying back home tomorrow from New England. I will keep you folks updated.

 

Thanks again for all of your comments.

[Space Ritual]

Don't feel too bad. Many of us have had relation ships with people that turned out to be ragers. I almost married one. I should have known when she hid in my car one night in the backseat and jumped up while i got into the car and plunged a steak knife into the passenger side headrest and screamed "YOU!" and jumped out and ran away that our love was not really meant to be. lol

[lolablue17]

She doesn't have a place to go. Tossing her out on the street sounds very tempting. But I am concerned that she will escalate and create more drama.

 

She is the one who should have thought about her accommodation, not you. If she was so worried about where to sleep she could be more careful with her actions.

 

If she insists sleeping over at her friend's place against your will, she must carry some consequences. let her eat the cake she made.

 

You can let her know today that it's over, and tell her to look for some place to stay till June. If you give her a week notice, it's not like you're throwing her to the street.

[kendahke]

 

As for where to go from here, well, she is already leaving in June. She doesn't have a place to go. Tossing her out on the street sounds very tempting.

 

She does have a place to go: exactly where she went to go "bond" with her friend. June is just 2 months away--they can put her up for 2 months--or she can start taking care of her hated mother 2 months early. Why do you think you have to pay for her to park her belongings there when she's clearly told you that she doesn't want what you want?

 

But I am concerned that she will escalate and create more drama. I have had enough of that. While I do not think that she has full-blown BDP, she certainly exhibits some elevated features of that disorder, (love you - hate you; doesn't consider consequences; many past partners; childhood abuse; raging temper; projection). My goal is to get out of this situation as quietly and peaceful as possible.

 

Then pipe down, be quiet and let her continue to walk all over you.

 

Thank you to those who observed that I should have known better to shack up with a cheater. I absolutely agree. Lesson learned.

 

No woman's sex is that good that you put up with this kind of mess.

 

She is flying back home tomorrow from New England. I will keep you folks updated.

 

Thanks again for all of your comments.

 

She's got money to fly all over creation, but doesn't have it to pay her half of the rent? Where do I sign up for this kind of cushy deal?

[road]

She cheated on her last husband.

 

 

Who's knows who how many she cheated on before her marriage.

 

 

Then you decided to have a long distance relationship which is the kiss of death.

 

 

She is now cheating on you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And, you ask us what to do?

 

 

I'll turn this back on you. What do you think she is doing and what do you think you should do?

[elaine567]

Red flags you ignored almost from day one.

1. she was divorcing, due to her affair.

2. she recently got divorced - you are just a rebound.

3. she got angry when you mentioned exclusivity.

 

Personally as it is your flat then I suggest she can move out and go stay with her female friend that she needs to "bond" with or go home.

 

YOU need to move on and date other people. IN the two months she is shacking up at yours till June, you could meet the love of your life, but you won't, if she is still hanging around like a bad smell.

[Running Man]

When we met, she was recently divorced over an affair that she had with another man.

 

 

Wake up!!!!! You think your any different?

[smackie9]

 

She also agreed to be exclusive, but that it went against her nature.

Red flag

 

When we met, she was recently divorced over an affair that she had with another man.

Red flag

 

She also had problems finding employment and supporting herself,

Red flag

 

I told her she could live with me provided she would be committed to a relationship.

Poor judgment

 

We understood that I would shoulder most of the financial responsibility, (rent, utilities, etc).

Poor judgment

 

 

Our time living together has been a roller-coaster.

Red flag

 

At one point we were seriously discussing marriage.

Poor judgement and red flag

 

But then one or two times a month, she would break up with me, then immediately make up with me...

when she has a few glasses of wine, she gets very emotional and often angry. That's usually when she breaks up with me. She claims that I drink too much. I drink about a six pack and two bottles of wine a week. A couple of times, she would get so angry with me that she would storm off in a huff and spend the night with her friend.

Red flag

Red flag

Red flag

Red flag

 

We used to make love a couple of times a week. Then it went down to once every other week. Then once a month. The last time we made love was early January. I still make advances, but they are rebuffed.

RED FLAG!!

 

In late January, she announced that she was leaving to help her sisters take care of her mother. (She hates her mother). She made that announcement after we finished a nice dinner I prepared. We ate it with a fine bottle of Pinot Noir. I thought this might just be another one of her break-ups/make-ups, so I kind of shrugged it off. But then she also told me that night that she tells all her friends that I am a great guy but she doesn't know if she wants to be exclusive. She was quite firm about leaving.

Red flag X3

 

I was very upset. She tells me she wants to finish the school year and then move back home to take care of her mother. OK. I can't stop her. She said she wanted to continue the partnership until she leaves. She said she wanted to handle it with some integrity.

Utter bs she just needs a place to stay....red flag

 

A few days later, I am making dinner. She comes home from her work. I hug her but she pulls away. She then sits on the couch and starts to cry. I ask her what's wrong. She doesn't answer. She then tells me she is going upstairs to rest. When she comes down for dinner, she said that she is going over to her friend's house for Friday evening. I told it sounds like fun, I enjoy her friend, she's fun and a nice hostess. She then told me very slowly and deliberately that I. Was. Not. Invited. She then told me that she was spending the night with her friend. She tells me that she needs to bond with her friend. I tell her that I am not comfortable with that idea and I don't understand why she needs an overnight to bond with a friend that lives 5 minutes away. She immediately accuses me of being insecure and possessive. She does not ask me why I was uncomfortable with it. She does not talk to me calmly about it. She then says that she is leaving because she wanted to get away from my drinking.

Manipulation

Taking the focus off of her

Red flag

 

That Friday, she packs a bag and leaves, supposedly to her friend's house. She claims all she did was watch a movie, drink beer and smoke a bunch of cigarettes. The whole incident has me very shaken. I don't trust her anymore.

Red flag

 

So what do you folks think?

 

I recommend you read through this again and realize you are either real desperate to have a relationship, or you lack considerable experience or both.

[Spectre]

You should of booted this skank to the curb the second she told you she was going to some other dudes house and you were not invited. You should of simply said "hope he has a comfy couch because you'll need a place to stay" but then again her being skanky she probably is totally sleeping in the dudes bed with him anyways so.

 

Yeah, you dodged a bullet.

[Spectre]

Also yeah I can't re-edit my last post but..her getting DIVORCED due to cheating should of already told you this girl should never be anything but a sexual relationship to you. I mean cheating is cheating no matter what, but I feel it takes a real slime to take all those vows, etc. and then still cheat. Just get a friggin divorce, STOP being so damn lazy and thinking you need to get banged so utterly badly you can't wait until you get divorced. If it's that bad buy a god damn vibrator and act like an adult until you are free and then sure go bang your little heart out. Go bang 20 people within the first 24 hours of your divorce going through if you want, but the point is WAIT UNTIL IT GOES THROUGH.

Edited April 5, 2015 by Spectre