Misspixie Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My Roomate and I recently went to another city to see a show and at the last minute due to an extra ticket we also Invited my boyfriend. We all had a really great start to the night full of dancing and I admit probably a bit too much to drink. Later in the evening it started to become clear to me that they were flirting with eachother quite a bit and I was sort of feeling left out. In an attempt to make my feeling of being left out go away I started flirting with both of them. Later when we got back to the hotel things began to escalate and she started kissing him and so I joined. At first it was all play and nothig further he payed attention to both of us although I still felt like more attention was payed to her but he did satisfy us both. After all was said and done I got up to go use the washroom and when I came out they were engaged in more which I didn't really like seeing and I made that clear before leaving. I suppose I gave them mixed signals by trying to make everything a group activity. He want back to work in camp the next day and now I can't get the image of him having sex with my Friend out of my head. I had a conversation with him about it via Skype and he says he's so sorry and that he hopes we can get past it but I'm just unable to get past it so far. I want to make it work and to be able to let it go but it seems too soon. And when he comes home in 2weeks I don't know if I'll be able to look at him the same way. It's effecting me self esteem and my general thought process. Does anyone have ideas for how I can get past what happened without losing my relationships with them? Do you even think it's possible given the actual circumstance? I feel like they went too far, everything up to that point doesn't bother me as I was fully a part of it. But the image of her wrapped around him makes me feel sick and sad. I should also mention this is the first time I've ever been in a situation like this but I have been cheated on by sever exes when I was younger. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I just can't help being amused with the fact one could even begin a topic talking about an "accidental" threesome. What???? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I suppose I gave them mixed signals by trying to make everything a group activity. You think!?!?!? Does anyone have ideas for how I can get past what happened without losing my relationships with them? Time. That is the only thing that will work and, ultimately, I have a feeling one - or both - of the relationships will end. Do you even think it's possible given the actual circumstance? Probably not. I should also mention this is the first time I've ever been in a situation like this but I have been cheated on by sever exes when I was younger. But this wasn't cheating because you were there and gave taciturn approval by not stopping it any point. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Well the first thing you can do is control the amount of alcohol you and him drink. Second thing is rather then throw gas on the fire and make it worse which you did because you flirted with both of them giving them reason to believe you were cool with it, you should have opened your mouth and let him know that his flirting with her is hurting you and you want it stopped then he would have known your feelings. What you did was go from the frying pan into the fire. Sorry your hurting but............your fault. I hope you can work it out with him and if you do then you better have a talk with your friend about it too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Boundaries, boundaries... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 In the future drink moderately. Because alcohol make you acting irrationally. also, I don't know why you are blaming him when you were both involved in that activity? You are talking about your boyfriend, but you do not say anything about your friend , your roommate? what happened to her? If you did not like it you should say something at the beginning when you saw them flirting. I don't think you were cheated on, you made the bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 It was an accidental threesome because it was intended to be a twosome that didn't include you. I disagree with above posters who say you weren't cheated on because it sounds like they were going to have sex with or without your participation. They flirted without you and you joined later. She kissed him and you joined later. They resumed having sex when you left the room. I think you're confused because you feel like you condoned it and were an equal participant and that if it was wrong then you should have stopped it but you didn't. You might feel betrayed but unsure if you have the right. You might want to confront them but know that they'll throw your participation back as giving permission. They both seriously disrespected you and letting them both go could be the best thing for your sanity. After all, if they were that bold in front of your face just think of what they could be doing when you're not looking. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 It was an accidental threesome because it was intended to be a twosome that didn't include you. I disagree with above posters who say you weren't cheated on because it sounds like they were going to have sex with or without your participation. They flirted without you and you joined later. She kissed him and you joined later. They resumed having sex when you left the room. I think you're confused because you feel like you condoned it and were an equal participant and that if it was wrong then you should have stopped it but you didn't. You might feel betrayed but unsure if you have the right. You might want to confront them but know that they'll throw your participation back as giving permission. They both seriously disrespected you and letting them both go could be the best thing for your sanity. After all, if they were that bold in front of your face just think of what they could be doing when you're not looking. This quote has too much truth in it. That girl is not your friend. Nor is your BF. Do not let them blame there betrayal of you on the alcohol. Dating is the job interview for marriage. Your BF failed. Dump him and your back stabbing girl friend. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 You are confused because deep within, you know that you yearn for a mate/partner who wants you and only you. You want a partner who keeps fantasies as just that; fantasies to jerk off to on the occasion..... I know women who have men who simply wouldn't want to be intimate with another woman because they made the choice to keep their love sacred. Monogamy can be a choice, you have to be relationship minded for it to be your "ideal" state of being. For some, monogamy is not their "ideal" way to live and they are able to be in love and yet enjoy variety. Where as other partners don't really have that desire once they fall in love. I think you heart yearns for a partner who just doesn't have that inclination to act out those sexual fantasies once he falls in love; but logically you are probably scared that the guy will get bored so you are doing what you think is normal and "healthy", given that men are wired to crave variety. I personally don't believe many open relationships lasts. Or any sort of relationship that becomes "open" even if you vow to never repeat it...... I mean, a person is either truly polyamarous by nature/nurture, or not. In most cases, men who have threesomes with one girl do it because they never went through that " in love" stage with them, and once they find a girl they fall " in love" with, they choose to practice monogamy. Only in the minority of cases have I heard of men truly being polyamarous. Usually they just haven't met the right woman and once they do, they just don't risk losing her! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 By the way, you friend lacks boundaries. I could not stomach the thought of getting intimate with a good friends partner. It just isn't worth risking a 4 or 5 year or however long, friendship. Over a man. Which are in bountiful supply when it comes to sex (any average woman can get sex more or less!) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 It was an accidental threesome because it was intended to be a twosome that didn't include you. I disagree with above posters who say you weren't cheated on because it sounds like they were going to have sex with or without your participation. They flirted without you and you joined later. She kissed him and you joined later. They resumed having sex when you left the room. I think you're confused because you feel like you condoned it and were an equal participant and that if it was wrong then you should have stopped it but you didn't. You might feel betrayed but unsure if you have the right. You might want to confront them but know that they'll throw your participation back as giving permission. They both seriously disrespected you and letting them both go could be the best thing for your sanity. After all, if they were that bold in front of your face just think of what they could be doing when you're not looking. Bingo. They had already crossed boundaries when you joined them. In my experience with these scenarios, threesomes are best conducted with the couple inviting an agreed-upon third party to join. Not when one gets handsy with their partner's friend, and then the partner decides to participate. Mind you, any time I've done this there has always been a discussion beforehand about mine and my partner's boundaries, and what we will and won't do before, during and after the act. Sure, what's done is done. And they probably did think you were okay with it, but I agree with the above poster that this may have happened whether or not you participated. Not good. I don't think I could continue being friends with this girl, and I would seriously be questioning my boyfriend's judgment and motives. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Later in the evening it started to become clear to me that they were flirting with eachother quite a bit That is the sign for you to break up with that idiot. It was supposed to be sex with just 2 people indeed - with him and that other girl, you not included. And also drop that "friend" of yours, she doesn't have your best interests at heart if she'd go sleep with your BF. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 You are just fooling yourself....none of this was right. Your BF is just telling you what you want to hear, he's not sorry, he is so happy he got away with it. He had it in his mind, and so did your friend that they were going to get together. And it's possible they have already engaged in some sexual conversation or were physical with each other before. You messed up. You should have stepped in and stopped what they were doing and promptly set boundaries. For some reason in your head you thought if you don't go along with this you are going to lose him. It's not worth it hun. You should have realized your BF doesn't look at your relationship as monogamous. Staying with him is only going backwards. You will never trust him again, he's not that broken up about it, your friend isn't a true friend, she has no boundaries, and don't blame the alcohol. Hell we all have been real drunk, didn't make us have a threesome with our SO and friend. You better think about this more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I have been in this situation. I ended the relationship with both of them. I have also been involved in planned threesome's, the difference was we'd discussed boundaries and expectations first, so nobody got hurt. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 How did the extra ticket come about? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 My Roomate and I recently went to another city to see a show and at the last minute due to an extra ticket we also Invited my boyfriend. We all had a really great start to the night full of dancing and I admit probably a bit too much to drink. Later in the evening it started to become clear to me that they were flirting with eachother quite a bit and I was sort of feeling left out. In an attempt to make my feeling of being left out go away I started flirting with both of them. Later when we got back to the hotel things began to escalate and she started kissing him and so I joined. At first it was all play and nothig further he payed attention to both of us although I still felt like more attention was payed to her but he did satisfy us both. After all was said and done I got up to go use the washroom and when I came out they were engaged in more which I didn't really like seeing and I made that clear before leaving. I suppose I gave them mixed signals by trying to make everything a group activity. He want back to work in camp the next day and now I can't get the image of him having sex with my Friend out of my head. I had a conversation with him about it via Skype and he says he's so sorry and that he hopes we can get past it but I'm just unable to get past it so far. I want to make it work and to be able to let it go but it seems too soon. And when he comes home in 2weeks I don't know if I'll be able to look at him the same way. It's effecting me self esteem and my general thought process. Does anyone have ideas for how I can get past what happened without losing my relationships with them? Do you even think it's possible given the actual circumstance? I feel like they went too far, everything up to that point doesn't bother me as I was fully a part of it. But the image of her wrapped around him makes me feel sick and sad. I should also mention this is the first time I've ever been in a situation like this but I have been cheated on by sever exes when I was younger. This won't end well for you. I would advise you to cut the cord on the relationship with both of them. It takes a boatload of maturity and boundary setting for all involved when they are planned, not to mention when they are "unplanned" as you state. My opinion is that you went along with it hoping he would stop and pay attention to you, and that backfired. I've had it happen to me before and it did not turn out well at all ended pretty much like very bad Cinemax movie. Just move on from both of them or this will eat you up inside and you'll end up destroying your own self esteem in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have to second Pinkelephant. At the very least you need to take some space from both your "friend" and "BF" and let your mind clear. Don't drink or do anything stupid. Just give yourself a chance to rationalize what's happened and see the light. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Sorry but friends don't throw themselves at your boyfriend in front of you and friends don't fu*k your boyfriend while your in the bathroom, she is not your friend. He is very poor boyfriend material, he didn't respect you enough to pass on the advances made on him by your trashy friend, specially when you were standing next to him when it all went down. Get rid of them both, neither deserve you in their lives. Being alone is better than having them in your life, you can do better than this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Time to get a new room mate and a new boyfriend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Damn, OP's boyfriend is one lucky devil. Possibly a soon to be single lucky devil at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Damn, OP's boyfriend is one lucky devil. Possibly a soon to be single lucky devil at that. Double trouble 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Why in God's name was your BFF flirting with your boyfriend in the first place and you didn't check for her? She'd have had a knot snatched in her a$$ were it me. There was absolutely no excuse for either of them to be flirting with one another in the first place. Secondly, you going along to get along made this worse. Is your BFF Bi? If not, then why are you flirting with her unless you're bi and want to do her. Thirdly, your boyfriend couldn't wait for you to leave the room before he was on her--that tells me that this flirting mess has been going on for quite some time and the alCohol made them feel at home with their lust for one another. Your best bet is to cut both of them out of your life. Neither of them mean you any good if they're comfortable doing this in front of you. And this isn't cheating, BTW--just so you know. You gave approval when you began flirting with the two of them instead of salting and scorching some earth. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) I don't see how this is cheating. It's stupid, but not cheating. She saw her bf and friend were drunk and acting flirty..didn't like it but then apparently decided to encourage it. This girl then basically see's them kissing and decides to encourage that and join in. This is all bizarre, but she could of stopped it. If the OP did not want this to be happening she was literally within close proximity to them, close enough to stop them. She didn't, she joined in. Edited April 1, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I laughed when I read "accidental", like im walking down the street with my girlfriend, having a good time, and then we stomp on a friend of mine and oops. Accidental threesome. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Folks, got a report on this and it is as reported, a drive-by, so I'll thank members for their responses and close it up. Link to post Share on other sites
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