Is my adulterous wife sick?

[benjamin100]

We have been together for 31 years ( including 19 years of marriage). We married in 1996 and had a beautiful boy. The relationship had not been a smooth one but despite that we loved each other and, I thought, were fiercely loyal to each other. In 2003 my little boy found a foreign mobile phone under our bed. After many many lies the truth came out. My wife had been conducting a once a week affair with a man who delivered bread to shops in our local area. He lived out of the area with his own family and delivered once a week in our town. They had met at her work in 1990, flirted for a year or too and then met secretly in a country lane for sex. This relationship continued in public places and just three times at the family home, for the next 12-13 years.I went into traumatic shock and I spent the next three months trying to win her back amidst arguments,fights and very difficult times but in the process I had a very damaging nervous breakdown and lost 70lbs in weight. My doc gave me anti-depressants and I soldiered on. I am still on 40mg of Prozac today.

 

After six months we calmy discussed things and decided to stay together primarily for the boy but at the same time we would attempt at least to become good friends. In 2004 I decided we would move home because I felt a fresh start would give us a better chance of a positive future. I wanted seperate bedrooms because I was still very affected and felt that my own space would help me to get better. Things were still tough. There were less arguments but things between us were never affectionate and mostly cool. Very slowly our relationship turned into a business-like arrangement and I suppose we were okay but not great friends. Maybe once a month, after much wine we would meet for sex which although very hard for me initially it became easier. I suppose was a question of 'needs'.

 

In 2007 I discovered that my wife was pregnant with our second child. I was surprised because I thought that she was using contraception but she admitted coming off it because she was convinced that in time I would leave her if I ever recovered. I was a little disappointed but saw it as a positive thing and did not really have aspirations to meet anybody else or go anywhere (how could I being immobile) so I accepted it and carried on.

 

In 2010 I had a fall, ruptured tendons in BOTH of my knees and spent three months in hospital. The next 12 months I was having physiotherapy but failed to regain full mobility without the use of crutches or a wheelchair over a long distance.This seemed to bring us slightly closer. I arrived home from hospital and had to sleep in our living room because I could not get upstairs. Things were okay she was caring for me and our little girl was growing and we both adored her. Our son was maturing into a young man and was very supportive of my disability.

 

The sleeping arrangements made it tough for a family to enjoy their living room/lounge so we had an extension built on the house so that I could have a ground floor bedroom with a bathroom. This happened in 2014 and my moods got better as I had my own space, a specially adapted bathroom and this gave me a more positive approach to life.

 

Towards the end of 2014 my wife had started to become very easily irritated in general and her attitude towards me had become rude, abusive and impatient. I managed to cope but arguments were starting again. We had a weeks holiday away at Christmas and that was okay. When we returned I noticed that more and more she was spending a lot of time upstairs in her room. When I commented on this she told me that she had discovered Words with Friends on Facebook and was becoming ''rather attached to it''. I did not really worry until things became crazy shortly afterwards. Every possible opportunity was spent upstairs playing this game. Things came to a head a week before my 50th birthday. We had a blazing row. My little girl came downstairs at 8 in the evening not in her nightdress but in her day clothes. I went crazy and shouted upstairs to my wife who , should have been getting our little one ready for bed but yes you guessed right she was glued to the laptop. The row was the worst for years and I suddenly realised that there was a possibility that internet chatroom sex or infatuation could be the problem, even though it accompanied a facebook community game.

 

The next day my wife had to attend a seminar for three days a few hundred miles from home so we would not see each other for three days.

While she was away I investigated her facebook page and discovered somebody on her friends list who frequently communicated with her and I found out he lived just round the corner from the seminar.

 

Whilst on the seminar she rang the kids but we did not speak. On her return I quizzed her about this guy on Facebook and after two days of turmoil I discovered through reading their internet chat and her admission that they had spent a couple of hours together in her hotel room one night. The sex was unprotected, consequently I went into mild shock and spent the next 24 hours trying to work it out. We were there for the kids so how come she would endanger herself meeting an internet acquaintance at a hotel which would bring all our lives into question.

 

It's now three days since my catastrophic discovery and I have realised that, surprisingly, I still have love for her even though most of it is because she is my kids mom. The laptop has been destroyed and she has changed her cellphone and has promised that it was just a one-off and it was never going anywhere because of the kids. We also have a large mortgage together and I am disabled. The problem I have now is believing anything she says after phase one which was one set of lies after another, 11 years ago. Her behaviour even today is still very cold and distant. She says she has not communicated with this guy for two days.

 

I am on tranquilliser tablets from my doc and am just about coping. My son and I have asked her to get professional help she has agreed but she is such an amazing liar that I'm finding it difficult to believe her willingness is genuine. She may be just playing for time until things calm down then resume her internet/cellphone relationship and plan their next rendez-vous.

 

I have not cried as much as phase one but I could still fill a pale/bucket with tears shed these last few days.

 

I would welcome anybody's comments, advice, recommendations or even psychiatric diagnosis of her and the situation.

Edited March 25, 2015 by benjamin100

[PegNosePete]

The situation is that she's a chronic cheater who will never change her ways. She has no morality, remorse, consideration or respect.

 

Divorce.

[road]

I would DNA test your kids. Your WW has never shown that she can be trusted.

[benjamin100]

The first child was tested and the current little one is definitely mine - she's my double.

[benjamin100]

Unfortunately, circumstances prevent divorce from being that easy. I'm disabled and we have a heavy mortgage so it's a solution that has a dead end - that one.

[PegNosePete]

Why does disability or finances prevent divorce?

 

You should see a lawyer. Many will do a free half hour consultation in which you can get a LOT of good, free advice. You can attend as many free consultations as you like. You can pick up a whole host of knowledge about a likely outcome in your local jurisdiction. Don't waste your half hour talking about whether you want to divorce or not. Take all the financial facts and ask what a likely outcome is.

 

Don't just assume that it's not possible based on anecdotal or false information. Get the facts you need from a professional and make an informed decision. It's free, you lose NOTHING by finding out what a professional thinks.

Edited March 25, 2015 by PegNosePete

[benjamin100]

I am so grateful for your advice my friend.The council have installed a bathroom on my home and I must pay for it if I move within 10 years at a cost £24k. My mortgage has just a few grand equity and my local council tell me if I exit I must declare myself homeless to be considered for accommodation and even then it's not guaranteed. The big one for me is my beautiful little girl I cannot bear the thought of being away from her. My wife doesn't believe in discipline so if it weren't for me the child would be totally unruly. To be honest my good friend PegNosePete at the moment there does not seem a way out that's agreeable to all concerned. I can hope and pray that she is either more discreet about her antics or she gets professional help and changes. I'm not being unrealistic because I believe that change can take place in people. I know it's rare but I have to give it a chance - for the kids really.Thank you for your input.

[regine_phalange]

Your story made me sad. Mainly because you're taking antidepressants due to your wife's behaviour. She's certainly sick, but you're saying you've been together for 31 years. If she was to change, she would have by now. It's a long time and she hasn't done any self-judgements. I'm afraid she's always going to be like this. She could be a psychopath, but I don't know really.

 

I'm quite younger than you so I'm not sure I can give good advice. But since your son has noticed his mother's tendencies it means he gets affected by them, even if its only through the way she treats you. Do you have resources to hire a live-in nurse? I'm saying that because it may be good at least to distance yourself from your wife a little bit, even at the same house, and not rely on her for anything. Maybe you could split the house somehow so you can live on one floor and she can live on the other one? And that way you get to see your little girl too?

[PegNosePete]

The council have installed a bathroom on my home and I must pay for it if I move within 10 years at a cost £24k. My mortgage has just a few grand equity and my local council tell me if I exit I must declare myself homeless to be considered for accommodation

Why do you think it's you who would be leaving the home? Because you are the man?

 

This is why I said you should see a solicitor. You have some great misconceptions about how divorce works. Firstly you are disabled and it would be impossible for you to move. I would very much expect you to be granted sole residency of your home. Your wife is working, right? She can easily rent somewhere else.

 

See a solicitor, or preferably several, for free consultations! I mean it! You lose NOTHING by doing so, so I'm not sure why you're even questioning it. Maybe he will agree with you that divorce is simply not financially viable. Or maybe he'll show you a way. If you don't ask, you will never know. It's free, so why not ask?

[PegNosePete]

for the kids

Imagine it was your parents in this situation. That your dad was extremely unhappy because your mum was off having affairs all the time. What would you tell him? "Come on Dad, suck it up, just carry on letting her walk all over you and treating you like total carp, for my sake"?

 

What do you think your kids would say if they knew the full story (and were old enough to understand it)?

[Redhead14]

We have been together for 31 years ( including 19 years of marriage). We married in 1996 and had a beautiful boy. The relationship had not been a smooth one but despite that we loved each other and, I thought, were fiercely loyal to each other. In 2003 my little boy found a foreign mobile phone under our bed. After many many lies the truth came out. My wife had been conducting a once a week affair with a man who delivered bread to shops in our local area. He lived out of the area with his own family and delivered once a week in our town. They had met at her work in 1990, flirted for a year or too and then met secretly in a country lane for sex. This relationship continued in public places and just three times at the family home, for the next 12-13 years.I went into traumatic shock and I spent the next three months trying to win her back amidst arguments,fights and very difficult times but in the process I had a very damaging nervous breakdown and lost 70lbs in weight. My doc gave me anti-depressants and I soldiered on. I am still on 40mg of Prozac today.

 

After six months we calmy discussed things and decided to stay together primarily for the boy but at the same time we would attempt at least to become good friends. In 2004 I decided we would move home because I felt a fresh start would give us a better chance of a positive future. I wanted seperate bedrooms because I was still very affected and felt that my own space would help me to get better. Things were still tough. There were less arguments but things between us were never affectionate and mostly cool. Very slowly our relationship turned into a business-like arrangement and I suppose we were okay but not great friends. Maybe once a month, after much wine we would meet for sex which although very hard for me initially it became easier. I suppose was a question of 'needs'.

 

In 2007 I discovered that my wife was pregnant with our second child. I was surprised because I thought that she was using contraception but she admitted coming off it because she was convinced that in time I would leave her if I ever recovered. I was a little disappointed but saw it as a positive thing and did not really have aspirations to meet anybody else or go anywhere (how could I being immobile) so I accepted it and carried on.

 

In 2010 I had a fall, ruptured tendons in BOTH of my knees and spent three months in hospital. The next 12 months I was having physiotherapy but failed to regain full mobility without the use of crutches or a wheelchair over a long distance.This seemed to bring us slightly closer. I arrived home from hospital and had to sleep in our living room because I could not get upstairs. Things were okay she was caring for me and our little girl was growing and we both adored her. Our son was maturing into a young man and was very supportive of my disability.

 

The sleeping arrangements made it tough for a family to enjoy their living room/lounge so we had an extension built on the house so that I could have a ground floor bedroom with a bathroom. This happened in 2014 and my moods got better as I had my own space, a specially adapted bathroom and this gave me a more positive approach to life.

 

Towards the end of 2014 my wife had started to become very easily irritated in general and her attitude towards me had become rude, abusive and impatient. I managed to cope but arguments were starting again. We had a weeks holiday away at Christmas and that was okay. When we returned I noticed that more and more she was spending a lot of time upstairs in her room. When I commented on this she told me that she had discovered Words with Friends on Facebook and was becoming ''rather attached to it''. I did not really worry until things became crazy shortly afterwards. Every possible opportunity was spent upstairs playing this game. Things came to a head a week before my 50th birthday. We had a blazing row. My little girl came downstairs at 8 in the evening not in her nightdress but in her day clothes. I went crazy and shouted upstairs to my wife who , should have been getting our little one ready for bed but yes you guessed right she was glued to the laptop. The row was the worst for years and I suddenly realised that there was a possibility that internet chatroom sex or infatuation could be the problem, even though it accompanied a facebook community game.

 

The next day my wife had to attend a seminar for three days a few hundred miles from home so we would not see each other for three days.

While she was away I investigated her facebook page and discovered somebody on her friends list who frequently communicated with her and I found out he lived just round the corner from the seminar.

 

Whilst on the seminar she rang the kids but we did not speak. On her return I quizzed her about this guy on Facebook and after two days of turmoil I discovered through reading their internet chat and her admission that they had spent a couple of hours together in her hotel room one night. The sex was unprotected, consequently I went into mild shock and spent the next 24 hours trying to work it out. We were there for the kids so how come she would endanger herself meeting an internet acquaintance at a hotel which would bring all our lives into question.

 

It's now three days since my catastrophic discovery and I have realised that, surprisingly, I still have love for her even though most of it is because she is my kids mom. The laptop has been destroyed and she has changed her cellphone and has promised that it was just a one-off and it was never going anywhere because of the kids. We also have a large mortgage together and I am disabled. The problem I have now is believing anything she says after phase one which was one set of lies after another, 11 years ago. Her behaviour even today is still very cold and distant. She says she has not communicated with this guy for two days.

 

I am on tranquilliser tablets from my doc and am just about coping. My son and I have asked her to get professional help she has agreed but she is such an amazing liar that I'm finding it difficult to believe her willingness is genuine. She may be just playing for time until things calm down then resume her internet/cellphone relationship and plan their next rendez-vous.

 

I have not cried as much as phase one but I could still fill a pale/bucket with tears shed these last few days.

 

I would welcome anybody's comments, advice, recommendations or even psychiatric diagnosis of her and the situation.

 

Based on what you've said here, there are two possibilities and perhaps co-morbid (exist at the same time). I am not licensed yet, so I cannot and won't give a "diagnosis". But there is evidence of a bona fide psychological disorder(s).

 

However, it is not her psychological status I am concerned with.

 

I recommend that you seek counseling for yourself, Don't worry about her and that you extricate yourself from this relationship for the sake of your children.

 

Your children are experiencing neglect by their mother. And you are being neglected as well. Your children should be your primary concern and should be enough for you to be able to gather the strength you need to do what you need to do. Focus on the children and what's best for them.

[PCgirl]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. When I was married for 14 years I was much like your wife. I am diagnosed with Bipolar and I do attribute some of my behavior to manic episodes, however I also was very unhappy in my marriage. The affairs didn't make it any better, but the marriage was stagnant before as well. My husband never left because of the kids and I think he was afraid to be alone. I don't know if I will ever change. With much therapy I've been told that I shouldn't be in another relationship for quite some time. If you have more questions you can PM me.

 

I hope you can heal.

[SawtoothMars]

I am so grateful for your advice my friend.The council have installed a bathroom on my home and I must pay for it if I move within 10 years at a cost £24k. My mortgage has just a few grand equity and my local council tell me if I exit I must declare myself homeless to be considered for accommodation and even then it's not guaranteed. The big one for me is my beautiful little girl I cannot bear the thought of being away from her. My wife doesn't believe in discipline so if it weren't for me the child would be totally unruly. To be honest my good friend PegNosePete at the moment there does not seem a way out that's agreeable to all concerned. I can hope and pray that she is either more discreet about her antics or she gets professional help and changes. I'm not being unrealistic because I believe that change can take place in people. I know it's rare but I have to give it a chance - for the kids really.Thank you for your input.

 

You are being unrealistic. IF you want her to change... then you need to give her a reason.

 

This situation is really simple. You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to save it. As long as you will eat whatever crap she serves you with a smile... she isn't going to change. You think she cares if you cry like a wee girl? Or if you scream at her a few times?

 

You need to be willing to drop an Atomic Bomb on her life.

[No Limit]

Selfishness isn't a disease per se, it's just a character trait. A bad one.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I applaud you for your strength. However, given the circumstances, if you continue to live in this dysfunction you have no one but yourself to blame.

 

I think other posters have given you strong, sound advice. Whatever you do, just do something...

 

You can get through this.

[Spectre]

You have to divorce. I know it won't be easy, but you have to do it. Let us face facts: the way this is going it is going to have to happen sooner or later. Why not sooner? Your wife has no love or respect for you at all. Even worse is that you basically let her get away with it. You handed your manhood over to her. You need to take it back ASAP.

 

I understand you are disabled, but I don't think you'll be kicked out of your home. Especially if your wife is the one cheating...I don't know. I get that it would be difficult, but if the choice is either divorce or you stay in this sham of a marriage as your wife slowly chips away at your psyche. She's already got you on meds and it is going to get worse. I think you need to divorce, not only because your wife is..forgive me for saying this, a piece of cheating trash. That isn't the only reason, your health is another reason. Like I said, she already has you medicating because of her trampy behavior. It's not going to get better, it's going to get worse as long as she is around.

 

I am sorry for your situation. Especially because..and again forgive me for saying this, it does seem like your wife has already chipped away at your psyche a bit. Not that you seem crazy or anything, but you just seem..well, defeated. This is why I think you need her out of your life. She is literally toxic for you. The fact you are disabled unfortunately makes it easier for her to take advantage of you. I am sorry..this is a rotten woman indeed.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Spectre

[benjamin100]

Overwhelmed and very moved by comments. Thank you everybody. My son who is eighteen has begged me to give her more time so, for his sake i will.

[benjamin100]

I have to give these wonderful kids my heart and soul so for the time being I will have to grin and bear it but I am only human and can only take so much hurt.

[Redhead14]

I have to give these wonderful kids my heart and soul so for the time being I will have to grin and bear it but I am only human and can only take so much hurt.

 

This is a huge decision and an 18 year old should not be involved in that decision.

 

You will not be able to be the parent that your children need if you continue to, as you say, "grin and bear it" because your mental health will continue to decline. It is best for you to make a move fairly soon. The fact that you are reaching out is saying that at this moment you are probably in the best frame of mind to be able to do it.

 

If nothing else, ask her to leave the home in order for you to be able to focus on the children. You need to remove the stressor and step back in order to get clear headed and focused. If she is around all the time, the issue is "in your face" constantly.

[SawtoothMars]

Overwhelmed and very moved by comments. Thank you everybody. My son who is eighteen has begged me to give her more time so, for his sake i will.

 

I just don't know what to say about this. He is Ok with her cheating but not Ok with you filing divorce? WTF?

 

I have to give these wonderful kids my heart and soul so for the time being I will have to grin and bear it but I am only human and can only take so much hurt.

 

You remind me of this English show I watched last year named Parade.

 

I'm an American guy... so maybe this is just a cultural difference... but I won't take this kind of treatment from anybody. The kids will be better off with two happy parents than a couple of miserable sad sorry sacks. You are supposed to teach your son how to be a man. Watching her kick you in the groin daily while you try to take it with a smile... is that the kind of life you want for your son? Is that the kind of man you wish him to be?

 

Show your family something better. You don't have to divorce, but you have to do SOMETHING.

[Hawaii51]

(Edit: @ OP) I don't think she is sick at all, it's called being a human being. For whatever reason your marriage got cold, and it didn't have a chance to heat up before you were injured putting the highs in your relationship at lukewarm. She obviously, and literally needs, some excitement in the form of attention- which I think is typical for almost any woman at any age. The fact that there are kids in the picture, only make it sad. :/ Just my solicited two cents.

 

If you do have a relationship in only the form of parents of your children, maintain that. Don't get too down on yourself or situation, it can get much worse.

[stillafool]

My son who is eighteen has begged me to give her more time so, for his sake i will.

 

Your son is 18 and will soon be out of the house and on his own. Are you suppose to live the rest of your life with a cheater just because an 18 year old said you should.

[Diezel]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that the kids have no idea to what extent her cheating has gone.

 

He's 18, and pretty soon leaving the house. You are going to keep wasting away with this monster of a woman... for what?

 

One day that 18 year old will look back and apologize, realizing he should have told you to divorce sooner.

[benjamin100]

I am very happy to accept that my mental issues are a factor. I have only been disabled for five years. My depression which is a result of her former affair which lasted 12 years, is difficult to live with. I rarely laugh and spend most of the time pretty sullen. However, I must point out despite my disability I cook for the entire family, shop online for our food, take care of discipline with the kids and look after the family finances. She does not seem have any concept of reality or responsibility. She has obviously told it's me over between her and him. It was just a one off considering the distance and all laptop related work will be done in the family lounge in front of myself and the kids. She asked me to get her new sim card so that she could change her number but then she goes and buys a cheap tacky cell phone with pay as you go sim so now they have own untraceable hotline.

 

I feel that staying will be less painful than going. I am not a typical man. I am extremely thin skinned, very very sensitive and easily hurt. Guilt seems to arrive in my psyche as effortlessly as a headache. When I think of the men that will occupy her bed in my absence and her inability to recognise danger or immorality it's a recipe for disaster. So, come on folks what happens when my beautiful eight year old is abused by some guy and her mom does not see it. What happens when he starts to discipline her physically and the mother is blind. Because of her '' form'' she does not see irresponsibility for what it is so for my little girl especially I must stay and watch over the proceedings.

 

There have been many mothers in history who have made life sacrifices for their children. I feel I must consider that too. How will I cope if anything were to happen to that little girl. The guilt would destroy me. It's not as black and white as other situatiions. Guilt is a very powerful emotion that can easily tear one into pieces. I do not underestimate the impact of extreme guilt. It may just be more damaging to my health that her conduct and attitude.

 

My eighteen year old son has not been raised to throw the towel in. He is not saying spend the rest of my life with her, he is just asking me to give things a try and explore a couple of possibilities. I feel too many people react too quickly without thinking of their kids.A child does not ask to be born we adults introduce them to our world so we must accept some responsibilty. If everybody vacated the family home because of imperfection then surely our western world would be in constant disorder. Divorce is a possibility in time but I must show maturity and strength at the moment for the children.

 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words some of which made me cry, a little.

Edited March 26, 2015 by benjamin100

[PegNosePete]

Dude you're being a total doormat.

 

See. A. Solicitor.