Jump to content

Affair with colleague making me crazy!


Recommended Posts

I was a simple 10 years married woman with no thought of any other man other than my husband until the last 4 months. My colleague has been flirting with me past 2 years which i never realized until 4 months ago. He had been pushing me for a coffee for a long time. At last i went out with him 4 months ago. He was full of compliments for me (you are very beautiful, you look like this famous actress, you are too smart and good at work etc..). He was fun loving, smart and handsome. I liked our little coffee, it was simple too. But when we met again for coffee the second time, he kissed me hard on the mouth. I was too shocked by the force and the passion with which he kissed me that day. I was never kissed like that.

From that day he awakened a passion in me which i thought was non-existent for many years. He was married too for 10 years. After that he declared he felt very bad for what he did and it was a mistake. He was very close to his wife and family and told he can only be physically close with me and nothing more. I felt little hurt in the beginning but thought it was for the best as i too was attached with my husband and family and had no intention of breaking it.

We work in the same office, see each other every day, meet once or twice a month in the car and kiss and feel each other. I feel bad for doing this, but somehow i could not get him out of my mind. All i could think of the past 4 months is him. His presence, the sound of his voice makes my heart beat faster and gives me the butterflies all the time. It feels like a fatal attraction all of a sudden which i am unable to get myself out of. when we sometimes run into each other, he takes me to the nearest elevator and kisses me. This happens once a week. He turns me on most of the time. Any amount of intimate love making or deep physical interaction with my husband does not satisfy me. Its as if my hunger is never getting satisfied. I want more from him, but i am afraid to ask for more as i don't know where this will lead me/him. It looks like a long dark road. i have never felt like this before.

I am going crazy with my physical desires for him barely in control which i am always trying to tame. His smile and presence brings me happiness. I am not sure what this is, what i expect from him or what i am ready to give to him. This is a dangerous road.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel that this affair is going out of control for me and i am falling apart. Please help me!

Edited by pgirl9000
Link to post
Share on other sites
LostanConfused

I'm going to be incredibly honest hear even though it might be a little tough, but Im a more straightforward person. Here is the thing:

 

Before you ponder the idea of "what i expect from him or what i am ready to give him" you should first consider your husbands feelings because this is too cruel. You're having an affair which is not good for any relationship. Before you think of your own feelings you should also consider your husbands because he has been in your life for 10 years. He should know and be told so he can make the decision.

 

The sad truth is that this is a new spark or feeling for excitement from meeting someone new. You probably felt the same thing when you met your current husband, but this new spark will slowly fade into time. You need to do what most guys do and think with your head up top and not the one in the pants. Make the right decision and tell your husband so you can go off and have your few more months of "fun" then you will realize your mistake.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

Put the brakes on this, full-stop. You are going to destroy your marriage for a man who isn't available anyway.

 

You need to decide whether or not you still want to be married. You won't be able to make this decision clearly if your affair partner is still in the picture. Get into individual counselling, and also marriage counselling.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete

The way I see it you have 3 choices.

 

1) Divorce your husband and pursue a relationship with this new guy

2) Break off the affair, tell your husband what you have done, and work with him to fix your marriage

3) Carry on as you are

 

I am sorry but people who are actively engaged in affairs get little sympathy around here. It's mainly a place of support for the victims of infidelity, not the perpetrators. If you don't get the help you need then you might want to try the other areas of this forum which are geared towards supporting people who are having affairs, for example The Other Man / Woman - LoveShack.org Community Forums

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I will be blunt because you need the equivalent of a slap to your face to snap you out of this.

 

Your husband and his wife and both your families do not deserve this level of contempt.

 

All of the flowery language in the world used to describe this sordid little affair does not change a pile of isht into a rose. It stinks what you are willfully doing to the esteem of your marriage and family.

 

Any amount of intimate love making or deep physical interaction with my husband does not satisfy me. Its as if my hunger is never getting satisfied. I want more from him, but i am afraid to ask for more as i don't know where this will lead me/him. It looks like a long dark road.

 

I guess it's never crossed your mind that your husband might want way more intimacy out of you than you've chosen to give him. Why do you feel you deserve the luxury of thinking this is all about you and your needs and what he needs can't be allowed to enter into your thinking?

 

You have chosen to not address your level of dissatisfaction with your husband because of what you might find, but you're happy to skip down that road with an adulterer? Do you hear how you sound?

 

Why don't you woman-up and ask him for what you want? He has more right to take that journey with you than this lothario you're giving it up to.

 

You sound as if you just shut down and waited until some man half-a$$ed smiled in your direction instead of asking for what you needed from your husband and short of getting it, dissolving the marriage, going it on your own and being free to enter into any sort of relationship you wish.

 

What you should do? END THIS DAMB AFFAIR!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I can understand the criticism. I was going through really bad time in my marriage when I met this guy. I was very upset, physically and emotionally deprived for a long time. I know that does not make it right. I have always had bad times with my husband ever since my marriage. It was a family arranged marriage. I am staying with my husband in spite of the bitterness for the sake of my kids and family. Separation will break them down. I was never given affection, attention and my husband never desired me the way a man desires for a woman. I was always hungry for little bit of affection. We have tried individual and marriage counseling 2 to 3 times. It has not worked. I have never been happy after marriage. In 2 months I am moving away to another country with my husband and kids. I thought I finally had few months to feel happy, desired and wanted after all these years. I might never have the opportunity to ever feel happy and I might die without trying. I really like this guy. But I know we can't have each other. Seeing him, his smiles, his talks alone bring me happiness everyday. We don't get physical often. But I really love the tiny amount of times I get to spend with him without expecting anything back.

I have gone through terrible times in these 10 years and there are a lot of mental scars. I just was to glimpse a little bit of happiness before really moving away in 2 months. I love my kids more than anything and I will never separate from my husband because of them.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It's like I am falling in love for the first time. But I know it's a really bad time. He is not the only man who has flirted or wanted a date with me. I have rejected many guys and have never given in. But there is something about this guy which is pulling me too much. I feel an extremely strong unexplainable attraction towards him which I have never felt before. Every day this attraction is increasing. I have days dreams of living with him, having family with him, being with him for ever etc.. which is crazy. But I am unable to control my thoughts. I feel bad if he is not feeling well, I want to cook for him, make a coffee and shower him with lots of love. But I keep all this within myself and try to control them.

It's really sad. Why is this happening to me now? Why such strong feelings/ attraction now when I am married with 2 kids? But the truth is it has happened and is happening. I don't know what to do. I am mentally not prepared to stop this affair now as I have only 2 months to spend with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What ?? Tell him and what ?

Please don't tell him ,just end it with the other guy ,set bounderies and try your best to control yourself .

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

This guy is smooth and certainly has buttered you up, fed your ego and made you feel like a queen.

 

Is this flattery and 4 month affair worth throwing away a 10 year marriage and what you share with your husband?

 

Your MM is a snake. He whispered sweet nothings into your ear to get you into bed, to have fun sex on the side. You let your emotions and feelings happen, now you 'love' him (?) and he's done the back off game and has told you he has no intention of leaving his wife and kids, that you are there when he feels like it.

 

GET MAD, and end it, focus on fixing what's broken inside of you, why you chose to let another man woo you away from your husband.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete

Well, like I said above you have 3 options. Looks like you've chosen number 3.

 

Not quite sure why you're posting here. Your mind is clearly made up. You're going to carry on with the affair no matter what anyone here says.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's like I am falling in love for the first time. But I know it's a really bad time. He is not the only man who has flirted or wanted a date with me. I have rejected many guys and have never given in. But there is something about this guy which is pulling me too much. I feel an extremely strong unexplainable attraction towards him which I have never felt before. Every day this attraction is increasing. I have days dreams of living with him, having family with him, being with him for ever etc.. which is crazy. But I am unable to control my thoughts. I feel bad if he is not feeling well, I want to cook for him, make a coffee and shower him with lots of love. But I keep all this within myself and try to control them.

It's really sad. Why is this happening to me now? Why such strong feelings/ attraction now when I am married with 2 kids? But the truth is it has happened and is happening. I don't know what to do. I am mentally not prepared to stop this affair now as I have only 2 months to spend with him.

 

No disrespect but this can't end well. Your story sounds so much like my Hs affair. It was a short lived experience. They would meet, make out in a car for about 20 minutes(lunch break) then talk on the work IM throughout the day. The MOW was married for 10 years with 2 little kids and said very similar things about her M that you have posted here. She claimed to be madly in love with my H after a couple of weeks. We were very unhappy in our relationship too. They complimented each other and fed each other's egos. When I found out we separated and she told him she was going to divorce. They had sex and from the emails I read , she stated it was special. My H didn't go with her, he was able to. Instead he realized it was just a fantasy they were making and he dropped her and begged to come back. She tried to contact him over the next few months and he insisted she leave him alone. This happened in 2013 and he has had no contact with her since. I'm sure right now this feels exciting and passionate but things really change when reality hits and spouses find out. It's up to you what you want to do but the aftermath of your current choices have huge Consequences. His A was under 4 months from first contact to the end. I hope you figure it out before it blows up. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I was a simple 10 years married woman with no thought of any other man other than my husband until the last 4 months. My colleague has been flirting with me past 2 years which i never realized until 4 months ago. He had been pushing me for a coffee for a long time. At last i went out with him 4 months ago. He was full of compliments for me (you are very beautiful, you look like this famous actress, you are too smart and good at work etc..). He was fun loving, smart and handsome. I liked our little coffee, it was simple too. But when we met again for coffee the second time, he kissed me hard on the mouth. I was too shocked by the force and the passion with which he kissed me that day. I was never kissed like that.

From that day he awakened a passion in me which i thought was non-existent for many years. He was married too for 10 years. After that he declared he felt very bad for what he did and it was a mistake. He was very close to his wife and family and told he can only be physically close with me and nothing more. I felt little hurt in the beginning but thought it was for the best as i too was attached with my husband and family and had no intention of breaking it.

We work in the same office, see each other every day, meet once or twice a month in the car and kiss and feel each other. I feel bad for doing this, but somehow i could not get him out of my mind. All i could think of the past 4 months is him. His presence, the sound of his voice makes my heart beat faster and gives me the butterflies all the time. It feels like a fatal attraction all of a sudden which i am unable to get myself out of. when we sometimes run into each other, he takes me to the nearest elevator and kisses me. This happens once a week. He turns me on most of the time. Any amount of intimate love making or deep physical interaction with my husband does not satisfy me. Its as if my hunger is never getting satisfied. I want more from him, but i am afraid to ask for more as i don't know where this will lead me/him. It looks like a long dark road. i have never felt like this before.

I am going crazy with my physical desires for him barely in control which i am always trying to tame. His smile and presence brings me happiness. I am not sure what this is, what i expect from him or what i am ready to give to him. This is a dangerous road.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel that this affair is going out of control for me and i am falling apart. Please help me!

 

Everyone gets hurt in the end, specially the children. Bringing a third person into an already troubled marriage is about the worst thing you can do. Be all into your marriage or end it. Deceiving your family, deceiving his family will not end well for you. Time to decide marriage or an unavailable other man that just wants to use you for sex, nothing special, nothing romantic but totally devastating to the life you now know. Rather than working on the issues in your marriage your choosing to focus your thoughts on O/M causing even more damage. Think about everyone involved, how do you think adding deception and infidelity will help your situation?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are in it too deep and your logical thinking is out the window. You are going to try and justify that you have every reason to have an affair like you deserve this. You are being a fool. You don't know what is lost until you don't have it anymore.

 

Instead of having an affair, go into couples counseling, and work at it hard to bring back the satisfaction into you marriage. If not then simply separate, and see if being on your own is the path you want to take.

 

You need to be an adult and deal with this in a more fair mature manner and keep off the long dark road if guilt and regret.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's like I am falling in love for the first time. But I know it's a really bad time. He is not the only man who has flirted or wanted a date with me. I have rejected many guys and have never given in. But there is something about this guy which is pulling me too much. I feel an extremely strong unexplainable attraction towards him which I have never felt before. Every day this attraction is increasing. I have days dreams of living with him, having family with him, being with him for ever etc.. which is crazy. But I am unable to control my thoughts. I feel bad if he is not feeling well, I want to cook for him, make a coffee and shower him with lots of love. But I keep all this within myself and try to control them.

It's really sad. Why is this happening to me now? Why such strong feelings/ attraction now when I am married with 2 kids? But the truth is it has happened and is happening. I don't know what to do. I am mentally not prepared to stop this affair now as I have only 2 months to spend with him.

 

All of this is happening because you are choosing to dwell on it and make it more than what it could ever be. All of what you are fantasizing about can never come to fruition because people's lives are at stake here--people that you are not including in your little fantasy, like his wife, his children, his family and community as well as your husband, your children, your family and community. Do you honestly think you could have a peaceful existence when everyone who know you knows that you screwed around on your husband?

 

You know what? It's going to be something other than your mentality that is going to stop this and it will come at a price that you cannot afford. What will happen is someone from your job is going to start making it their business to watch you and this guy. Trust me because I've read more than enough posts like that from people who are disgusted watching married people carrying on in the parking lot of their jobs. They are going to gather up enough information to go tell his wife. Then they are going to come after your husband and let him know. Not only will you be turned out of your own home, you will be denied access to your children. There will be no playing house with this other man. This guy will also slam the door shut in your face on orders from his wife and family. Your family will not be a refuge for you, either, especially if you come from a culture which arranges marriages.

 

You risk bringing shame down on your whole family if a busybody who is watching you decides to out you. My advice to you is to get a grip on yourself and find something else to occupy your time before hell breaks open on your head.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you point out it's an arranged marriage and you'll stay for the kids -- please, don't think it's good for the kids to be raised in a household of an arranged marriage with little emotional connection and no love. You and he are the kids' role models. If they don't see you in a loving relationship, a real one, not just where you're acquiescent to please your man, they will not know how to love another person. Whatever hell you are putting yourself through in the name of marriage you son will put a woman through and your daughter will live herself.

 

The guy at work probably won't work out no matter what you do, but think about the example you are setting for your kids keeping them in an unpleasant situation. It's no fun being around parents who don't like each other anymore. It's traumatic. Being independent and on your own would be a better role model for them than staying in misery.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
All of this is happening because you are choosing to dwell on it and make it more than what it could ever be. All of what you are fantasizing about can never come to fruition because people's lives are at stake here--people that you are not including in your little fantasy, like his wife, his children, his family and community as well as your husband, your children, your family and community. Do you honestly think you could have a peaceful existence when everyone who know you knows that you screwed around on your husband?

 

You know what? It's going to be something other than your mentality that is going to stop this and it will come at a price that you cannot afford. What will happen is someone from your job is going to start making it their business to watch you and this guy. Trust me because I've read more than enough posts like that from people who are disgusted watching married people carrying on in the parking lot of their jobs. They are going to gather up enough information to go tell his wife. Then they are going to come after your husband and let him know. Not only will you be turned out of your own home, you will be denied access to your children. There will be no playing house with this other man. This guy will also slam the door shut in your face on orders from his wife and family. Your family will not be a refuge for you, either, especially if you come from a culture which arranges marriages.

 

You risk bringing shame down on your whole family if a busybody who is watching you decides to out you. My advice to you is to get a grip on yourself and find something else to occupy your time before hell breaks open on your head.

 

You are right. I believe i am in a fantasy and i am finding it very hard to give it up and face the reality. This guy wooed me for months with lots of compliments which i have never heard from anyone in life. He makes me feel 10 years younger. But the consequences you have mentioned are true logically. But unfortunately i acknowledge worst things might happen and lots of pain or hurt might be involved. I still have hope to survive this for the next couple of months and make it a happy fantasy in my mind, even after i leave this place.

I am in this too deep mentally and i am unable to think clearly at this point. I know i am doing a mistake, but it does not feel like it. The moment i see him in office, all reasoning or any kind of logic runs away from my mind. The fantasies start all over and i feel helpless. I try too hard to concentrate on my work and work very hard and had to take up extra work to divert myself. People think i am working too hard past few months. But that is the only way i can distract myself from him and the fantasies going on in my mind through out the day. I know its not normal to have fantasies like this, but i feel too high all the time and have to work hard to control it. I will try my best not to go too deep and i definitely don't want to let my family or his family to get hurt as both of us have no intention of having a long-term relationship or expectations. We are happy with our fantasies and don't expect anything from each other emotionally. Both of us are not prepared to leave our families and care about our families.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You are in it too deep and your logical thinking is out the window. You are going to try and justify that you have every reason to have an affair like you deserve this. You are being a fool. You don't know what is lost until you don't have it anymore.

 

Instead of having an affair, go into couples counseling, and work at it hard to bring back the satisfaction into you marriage. If not then simply separate, and see if being on your own is the path you want to take.

 

You need to be an adult and deal with this in a more fair mature manner and keep off the long dark road if guilt and regret.

 

yes, my logical thinking is out the window. I am unable to think straight. The only thing i can think right now is I can't wait to see this guy in the office next day. I am lost. I cannot go into counseling when i am lost like this.

The only way i can think of saving myself is to leave this place and go away from this guy. It will hurt a lot, but this is the only way to save myself and my marriage from this affair. I am willing to go through the next 2 months like this and detach myself from this guy completely once i move away and go through the hurt and pain. I feel it will be worth it. I may never see or talk to him again after 2 months. The thought pains me even now. But i will consider that as a punishment for having this affair.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My husband has been very abusive past few months. He is very ill tempered most of the time, hurts me emotionally often. He has rarely shown love or care for me past 10 years. Sometimes it becomes so unbearable for me, I wanted to punish him secretly with this affair. As per me, the amount of things he is putting me through, he deserves this.

He has put me in a man's role making me work harder and earn more, while he is been in and out of jobs without any career improvement for his age and seniority. He never gets involved in any big decisions like buying a home, new car etc. and does not help me in these things. He does not buy any toys, clothes nor anything for me or kids in all these years. He does not get along with me, his mother or brother.

I feel like I am stuck in hell. Only good thing is kids love him and he loves them. They can't go without him for even a day.

This affair even though not right is giving me some kind of satisfaction that I am also getting back at him in someway. When I think clearly I don't really care about my coworker, but I consider him as a way to fuel my anger and depression and get back at my horrible husband..

He has not co-operated in any kind of marriage counseling. After the second or third time with the counselor, he starts saying he is not interested to come anymore.

 

Please help me.. what should I do?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You suffer from co-dependency....that's why you stay. As for your husband, abusers are controllers and him being in control of you is to make sure the kids just adore him in order to make sure you don't leave. If you leave he will definitively pin them against you to punish you for ever thinking of leaving him. He has been conditioning the lot of you in order to keep control over you. There is a reason why the abuse has been amped up....you are emotionally preoccupied with your coworker and he has taken noticed. He knows something is going on with you and he is feeling threatened.

 

You definitely need to seek out counseling and you can get it through abused women's hotline in your area. They will refer you to someone to get you help. GET HELP! before it gets real dangerous for you and your kids.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I love my kids more than anything and I will never separate from my husband because of them.

 

If you loved your kids more then anything you wouldn't of cheated on their father with some slimeball.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry, something very fishy is here. How was the fact the husband is apparently abusive left out of the original post?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If you loved your kids more then anything you wouldn't of cheated on their father with some slimeball.

I must get out of this affair for the sake of my kids. It did not initially feel like cheating. It felt like somebody cares about me and appreciates me. It was a good feeling. But I did not know it will be a trick to hook me in to satisfy my coworkers physical desires. It was purely sexual for him, but I did not see it before. I would not have gone in if I had seen the darkness in the beginning. Now that I created my own fantasies about somebody who cares and adores me. All of that is shattered. Clearly I Took The wrong path. I want to try to get myself out of this mess first.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...