oomingmak Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 My boyfriend (of 8 months) is still friends with his exes, and while we were discussing these friendships, he mentioned that one friendship seems over because she avoided him after he asked her for help with "some things" after his dad died a few months ago. (He was more into her than she him, so this friendship especially bothered me.) I kept asking what were these "things" he needed from her, until he said he didn't want to tell me what it was, but that it didn't affect me. I said people in relationships (serious as ours, or so I thought) should be open and honest with each other, and he said he is honest with me but that he shouldn't have to tell me everything. Am I wrong to think his evasive behavior is unacceptable? I think I should break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 My boyfriend (of 8 months) is still friends with his exes, and while we were discussing these friendships, he mentioned that one friendship seems over because she avoided him after he asked her for help with "some things" after his dad died a few months ago. (He was more into her than she him, so this friendship especially bothered me.) I kept asking what were these "things" he needed from her, until he said he didn't want to tell me what it was, but that it didn't affect me. I said people in relationships (serious as ours, or so I thought) should be open and honest with each other, and he said he is honest with me but that he shouldn't have to tell me everything. Am I wrong to think his evasive behavior is unacceptable? I think I should break up with him. If this is how you feel, then go for it. I think his unwillingness to tell you what these things were is a little odd, and making the situation unnecessarily stressful. But I also wonder how you know he was more into her than she was into him - did you ask him that? Or did he just offer up this information? I ask because perhaps if you ask him such questions a lot, he could be feeling defensive and thus withholding from you. That doesn't make the situation any better, but just a thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oomingmak Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 I never asked him if he was more into his ex. He talked about her a lot before without my prompting -- that their relationship was on-off and he went out of his way to do things for her and she basically used him. She got in touch only when she needed something. So this tells me she didn't reciprocate his feelings. Before our disagreement I did tell him it bothers me that he's friends with his exes because he doesn't tell me about that part of his life. When he's vague about talking to them, it feels like he's hiding something even though he isn't. I said I wanted to hear more about his friends, and he said he's a bit hesitant to because I was jealous before over little things (they weren't little to me). Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. If he is stonewalling you and refusing to tell you something then you can bet your bottom dollar that it is something he knows will make you mad/upset/angry/dump him. Otherwise why would be hide it? It seems he doesn't trust you, and you're not happy with his boundaries. Even if this particular incident is nothing to be concerned about, it sounds like you are not very well suited for each other. I would move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oomingmak Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 I feel my relationship is doomed whether he tells me what happened or not. I agree our expectations for a relationship are probably incompatible -- I want openness and honesty, and he's OK with lying and hiding things as major as whatever happened with his ex. He does have trust issues stemming from his past relationships. And he's probably angry right now thinking I don't trust him and am jealous/controlling. I've done so much to support him during a very difficult time that would break even marriages, including forgiving him for lying to me for months about his unemployment. So if he can't trust me then he should go find another woman who he really can't trust. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 And he's probably angry right now thinking I don't trust him Your lack of trust is totally rational and justified. He has demonstrated extremely untrustworthy behaviour. Only a fool would trust this guy. He is angry because his BS and lies aren't working on you any more. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 My boyfriend (of 8 months) is still friends with his exes, and while we were discussing these friendships, he mentioned that one friendship seems over because she avoided him after he asked her for help with "some things" after his dad died a few months ago. (He was more into her than she him, so this friendship especially bothered me.) I kept asking what were these "things" he needed from her, until he said he didn't want to tell me what it was, but that it didn't affect me. I said people in relationships (serious as ours, or so I thought) should be open and honest with each other, and he said he is honest with me but that he shouldn't have to tell me everything. Am I wrong to think his evasive behavior is unacceptable? I think I should break up with him. I don't think that he is wrong for keeping a confidence of a friend over something that is not your business. Do you tell him all of the sensitive information your friends tell you in confidence? No, it is the same thing--a confidence is a confidence, and he's with you now, not her. If you feel you need to break up with him over it, then do it. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 And he's probably angry right now thinking I don't trust him You don't. When there is no trust on either side, there is no relationship. All that's left here is the breaking up... Link to post Share on other sites
Author oomingmak Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) It wasn't innocuous like a friend telling him something in confidence. If it was, he could easily have told me that and I would've understood. He didn't even want to vaguely explain, just "I can't tell you". I'm pretty sure he did something that would upset me -- maybe he asked her to come over (for comfort after his dad died and for more) and she rejected him. It's been three days since our disagreement and he hasn't reached out to me (and we used to communicate every day). I don't know what he's so upset about that he's giving me the cold shoulder. He doesn't like confrontation so I could see that he wants to avoid my questions, or maybe he's afraid I'll break up with him. I thought I'd not talk to him for at least a week but I'd rather call him (at the risk of appearing weak) and get it over with. Is this a bad idea? Should I wait for him to call even if it may be a long time since he avoids conflict? Edited March 13, 2015 by oomingmak typo Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 A relationship of 8 months, you need to not be passive aggressive. Call him up and tell him he's dumped for being such a douche canoe, hiding things, and presumably inappropriate actions with another female. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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