I'm psychologically devestated

[cubed95]

The pain is so strong, the heartache so all encompassing, that I've turned to an internet forum for your advice and wisdom.

 

Who we are:

 

I'm a 31 year old male, she's a 23 year old female. Yes, I suppose that's quite an age gap, but I truly perceived her as the most mature woman I have ever dated.

 

Background:

 

We met in November of 2013, and began dating shortly afterward. At 31 years, I've had a number of relationships but nothing remotely approaching the chemistry I have had with this woman. The sex was bar none the best of my life. It's not even close. I now understand the true meaning of "making love". We hardly ever fought, and were just able to be ourselves in each others company. I'm not sure if I want to ever get married, but at the least I thought she was my life partner. All we wanted to do was travel and have adventures.

 

What happened:

 

She has been in France teaching at a high school since August. She will be finished in May. I was hesitant about a LDR, but I did take some counseling in the early summer which helped ease my mind tremendously. I have some rooted psychological issues stemming from a previous relationship some years back where I walked in on my girlfriend of 3.5 years having sex with one of my best friends at the time. It took me a LONG time to recover from that and to learn to trust again. This new woman was aware of that traumatic moment in my life.

 

Fast forwarding, after the counseling in the summer I felt at east with a LDR, and she went out of her way to tell me that she is not the type of person to cheat. I believe she was being honest. She's always been honest with me. So the first few months go better than I expected. No anxiety, and I kept her engaged sending love letters, Skyping, finding some resources for LDR, etc. I spent all my money to go visit her in France in December for a few weeks, and we had an amazing time. It reinforced all my feelings of adoration and intense love.

 

Then I got blindsided. In early February, she asked to Skype one day and immediately told me that she slept with someone the previous night. I was in utter shock. Here's the back story on that:

 

 

• She was visiting some friends in a nearby town, but went out to a bar alone. Red flag.
  
• The guy had tried to buy her a drink a week earlier. She told me about it, and I felt she was completely honest about everything since we shared anecdotes about people flirting and such. We agreed light flirting is okay. But what concerns me is that supposedly this guy happened to be playing music at this bar a week later so she saw him by happenstance. In a city of several hundred thousand people. My gut is that he told her he was playing at this bar, and she deliberately went to see him. My gut is telling me this was all meditated. And this realization has ruined my life.
  
• After the show he invites her to his place to smoke weed. One thing led to the next, and the very thought of visualizing it all destroys me on the inside.
  

 

 

I credit her for telling me right away. I believe she is remorseful. She immediately bought a plane ticket from France to come see me to save the relationship. It was just a few days after the incident. I made a HUGE mistake, and allowed her visit to turn into a love affair. I was upset, hurt, heartbroken, in denial.... but I had just moved where I was staying only weeks earlier, and had no support system plus I felt incredibly lonely. As she explains what happened, she touched on issues of loneliness, depression and a lack of being touched. It provides context, but it's not an excuse whatsoever. I was experiencing some of these same issues and kept it in my pants.

 

So after she went back, I realized how foolish I acted on her visit and have since asked to go on a break. I have been cheated on several times before, and have IMMEDIATELY called things off and gone into no contact. I know the routine. With this woman it's just so different. She was seemingly so different. I can't believe she jeopardized what we had like this. She has sought counseling, but nothing is stopping the constant heavy feeling in my chest.

 

I have been crying myself to sleep all week. I want to spend my life with this woman, but she betrayed me in a fashion that I'm not sure she can comprehend. I've read how some relationships can get stronger from these incidents, but I just don't know if I can trust her anytime soon if ever. She knew of my lingering trust issues from relationships past, but still chose to have sex with this man knowing how crippling it would be for my self-esteem.

 

My biggest fear is that I have this disgusting feeling in my gut that I will never connect with someone like I have with her. I've dated enough women to know what's real, and what we had was something truly special.

 

I know she's remorseful, but is that enough? Would you give her a second chance? Is there any hope for us?

[cubed95]

I forgot to add, she is a finalist for a job out here. She finds out March 19. Her plan has been to come out here and live with me. That's obviously on hold, and I'm not sure if my dream of a life with her is a possibility anymore. I so desperately want this to work, but I've read too many horror stories. This is way worse than the other incidents of infidelity, and I'm not sure I'll ever recover this time around. This is me thinking logically, not an appeal from emotion. I'm psychologically damaged for a long time from this. I don't know if I will ever trust a woman ever again. This was the last thing I expected from her. And if she's capable of this, then anyone is.

[drifter777]

Look, this is easy. You aren't married and don't have kids together. Why on earth would you ever put yourself through all of this drama and all of the pain of trying to reconcile with a cheater?

 

And, no - she's not different than the girls who cheated on you in the past. She's just the same. Dump her ASAP - it will be good for your self-esteem and sense of justice. Keep seeing your counselor. Ask him to help you understand why you seem to be so attracted to the kind of woman who will cheat. Your batting average is too low for this to be a complete coincidence.

[cubed95]

Look, this is easy. You aren't married and don't have kids together. Why on earth would you ever put yourself through all of this drama and all of the pain of trying to reconcile with a cheater?

 

And, no - she's not different than the girls who cheated on you in the past. She's just the same. Dump her ASAP - it will be good for your self-esteem and sense of justice. Keep seeing your counselor. Ask him to help you understand why you seem to be so attracted to the kind of woman who will cheat. Your batting average is too low for this to be a complete coincidence.

 

I've dated roughly 10 women for periods of at least 1-2 months or more. I have been cheated on 3 times. Is my batting average really that abnormal?

 

It hasn't happened with every relationship. But you think this has something to do with me? The thought of it haunts me.

 

Her sister reached out to me immediately saying how I was the most loving and dedicated boyfriend. That she modeled her current boyfriend after me. I've carried new lessons from every relationship, and I truly feel I struck the right balance with this woman. If it wasn't coincidence, I have no clue what it was that made her do this. She didn't communicate her feelings of loneliness and depression properly, bottled it inside and let it explode as she describes. I'm not sure what I could have done without that knowledge. We still skyped almost daily when this happened. I was still engaging her.

 

As for a counselor, I am now on the other side of the country. I don't have a counselor out here, and acknowledge that I should seek one out. I don't believe my heath care plan covers it though, and costs will be an issue. But I will try to find something.

Edited March 6, 2015 by cubed95

[drifter777]

I've dated roughly 10 women for periods of at least 1-2 months or more. I have been cheated on 3 times. Is my batting average really that abnormal?

 

30% does seem a little high but I don't know - maybe your just unlucky.

 

It hasn't happened with every relationship. But you think this has something to do with me? The thought of it haunts me.

 

Her sister reached out to me immediately saying how I was the most loving and dedicated boyfriend. That she modeled her current boyfriend after me. I've carried new lessons from every relationship, and I truly feel I struck the right balance with this woman. If it wasn't coincidence, I have no clue what it was that made her do this. She didn't communicate her feelings of loneliness and depression properly, bottled it inside and let it explode as she describes. I'm not sure what I could have done without that knowledge. We still skyped almost daily when this happened. I was still engaging her.

 

As for a counselor, I am now on the other side of the country. I don't have a counselor out here, and acknowledge that I should seek one out. I don't believe my heath care plan covers it though, and costs will be an issue. But I will try to find something.

You came here for a reason - and it wasn't just advice. You are confused and looking for people who will justify what you have probably already decided to do. From the excuses (she didn't communicate her loneliness and depression, bottled it up) you are making for her I think you are eager to continue to be the " most loving and dedicated boyfriend" and overlook her cheating. Its a lot of crap to put up with for a GF you met 16 months ago.

[cubed95]

30% does seem a little high but I don't know - maybe your just unlucky.

You came here for a reason - and it wasn't just advice. You are confused and looking for people who will justify what you have probably already decided to do. From the excuses (she didn't communicate her loneliness and depression, bottled it up) you are making for her I think you are eager to continue to be the " most loving and dedicated boyfriend" and overlook her cheating. Its a lot of crap to put up with for a GF you met 16 months ago.

 

I'm honestly not looking to make excuses for her. In the past, I have had zero tolerance for cheating and made immediate hardlined action when it has happened. My issue with this woman is that I truly believe I will possibly never find someone I love like I do her. This belief is born of deduction, not emotion. I never encountered someone as compatible as her. After she cheated, I'm realizing she's not who I thought she was in terms of her capacity to keep a commitment. But does that mean I shouldn't give her a chance to learn from this experience? Are 100% of these scenarios doomed?

 

The odds are incredibly stacked, but there's something deep within me wanting to fight for love. I'm not naive. I know I sound like an idiot. There's a reason I have had zero tolerance in the past. And honestly, I've had no problems moving on from prior cheating circumstances when you set the lingering trust issue aside. I learned to move on from loving those individuals. I'm more intensely hurt this time because I do love this woman to a degree that towers over the rest. I feel I've dated enough people to understand my odds of discovering a connection like this are relatively low. To be clear, I can fall in love again someday. But I have strong doubts it can match what I had in this relationship.

[No Limit]

No need to reconcile with someone like her, and since you two don't have kids together there's no reason to even think about it. And no, she's far from being mature.

[Darren Steez]

I'm honestly not looking to make excuses for her. In the past, I have had zero tolerance for cheating and made immediate hardlined action when it has happened. My issue with this woman is that I truly believe I will possibly never find someone I love like I do her. This belief is born of deduction, not emotion. I never encountered someone as compatible as her. After she cheated, I'm realizing she's not who I thought she was in terms of her capacity to keep a commitment. But does that mean I shouldn't give her a chance to learn from this experience? Are 100% of these scenarios doomed?

 

The odds are incredibly stacked, but there's something deep within me wanting to fight for love. I'm not naive. I know I sound like an idiot. There's a reason I have had zero tolerance in the past. And honestly, I've had no problems moving on from prior cheating circumstances when you set the lingering trust issue aside. I learned to move on from loving those individuals. I'm more intensely hurt this time because I do love this woman to a degree that towers over the rest. I feel I've dated enough people to understand my odds of discovering a connection like this are relatively low. To be clear, I can fall in love again someday. But I have strong doubts it can match what I had in this relationship.

 

You've got this the wrong way around.

 

You've just listed a bunch of reasons..and sure speaking from lala land and cotton candy dreams you can list a whole bunch more.

 

Yes you and her might fit like a glove but the truth is you fell in love with a mirage..I'll put this another way..had you known she had cheated previously before she met you would that have colored your judgement and thus all formed opinion of her there after? Had she then gone and cheated on you would you still be here not holding her to the same standard you held the rest of the women that cheated on you?

 

To me I don't care what anyone says, you love someone enough, you don't even think about cheating. Not only because it's off putting to you but to think of hurting the one you supposedly love..it's impossible.

 

And dude..please. All this stuff about connection. The truth is you met someone randomly and you managed to hit it off. There are thousands upon thousands of same like minded women out there.

 

It shouldn't really be you "fighting" for love. She had about let's say this happened in a night, roughly about say 5 hours before she slept with him.

5 hours, 300 minutes, 18000 seconds. 18000 opportunities to think about her "love" for you and put a stop to it. Instead she didn't.

 

No kids. Let her go. Maybe she won't do this to the next guy she dates..and you. You keep your integrity and you don't cross that line in the sand of morals that you drew for yourself.

[todreaminblue]

I dont know what you should do, i feel for you, I feel you should follow your heart.I do feel you are going to need counselling whatever you do decide......whether or not she is different to the other woman who cheated on you....the cheating and its after effects are the same

 

 

in fact i would say she has done more damage to your psyche by appearing to be tottally different so much so it really did confuse you about where you stand quite completely.....she is extremely young and if she craves attention and that human touch...then that will be an ongoing issue...no matter what you decide......its a long distance relationship and they are hard enough without cheating rearing its head.....

 

 

from experience .....i gave a chance......i continued to give chances.....until i became dead or numb to the cheating......i thought to myself in a twisted rationale...he comes home to me......he is honest with me he is remorseful he begged for a chance so he must be remorseful right?

 

so for all the heartache ....and the killing of my spirit......it got to a point i couldnt fight on.......that was when an affair came to light.......more than just one nighters and we werent long distance anymore......he was making love to me ...and to someone else...sometimes in the same night...which is pretty gross...anyway ackkkk...moving on from that...........

 

i am however not bitter now .i was extremely hurt...its been years......we are no longer together.....we have kids so we are in agreement in raising our girls and remain distant friends

 

 

i am not telling you to not give her a chance...i am just telling you to be cautious....and i am also saying for your peace of mind and a rested heart....seek counselling for yourself before making any major decisions about staying or leaving......good luck.......i wish you well....deb

[Price2Play]

Never ever be serious with a woman under the age of 25yrs old! PERIOD.

 

She is FAR from being a mature woman. She didn't even give you the courtesy of calling you up and ending the relationship! No she just flat out cheated on you! Why do you want "fight" for some that doesn't love YOU!

 

NO CONTACT! Delete her from her memory, it was a short lived fling bro I hate to break it to you that way.

 

You express all the chemistry that you feel with this girl, if she felt the same way would she have cheated on you? NO

 

Work on yourself, go to gym, hang out with old friens, take up new hobbies. You deserve better move on!

 

I have never been cheated on at 36yr, if I was they didn't tell. I probably have but again then never told me. So there is some hope for you. Don't let this break you from future relationships.

[LostOnes05]

Definitely sorry to hear that. Price2Play and anyone who told you to dump her ass is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. Like you said, the situation was premeditated and she grew a conscience afterward. Hey your batting average isn't so bad. I've been in one relationship and got cheated on...so mine is a lot higher and I'm a few years younger than you [but who really gives a shyt, right?!].

 

She is well aware of the kind of guy she is losing. Believe me, I know first hand how you feel. Putting your trust in someone, seeing a future with them, only to have them spit in your face. It hurts doesn't it?! You absolutely need to delete her from your life in order to heal. That means pictures, cards, any and everything that reminds you of her should be thrown out. If she bought you a sweater give it to her sister to give to her when she comes home. If you get in your feels one day and get the urge to contact her, sit down and write it on a piece of paper. Read it as loud as you want to and throw it in the garbage. DEFINITELY get in the gym...you can let out a ton of aggression (i know) and get in great shape doing it! If you have a really good friend or family member that you can talk to, do it. The point is that you have to heal yourself now. Unfortunately she made the decision for both of you. It is her loss and she has to live with that. Once trust is broken on that level, there is no relationship to be salvaged.

 

It's gonna suck for a while. You're gonna cry. You're gonna be wary of anyone taking an interest in you or anyone's motives for that matter. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. And lastly, remember that you've got balls [literally and figuratively] and that's something she can't take from you. I say this to mean, never let anything or anyone break you. It's ok to stumble, to fall down...but never break. Take tonight to do the bulk of your grieving because tomorrow is a new day and the beginning of a new you. Just don't become an a-hole. Good luck buddy and wish you the best because I've been there!

 

Sorry, I wrote a lot. And by reading this you realize I'm still writing and started to smile because I got ya!

[mangetout]

OP I am sorry to say this but your relationship is over. She may be your ideal partner in some ways but she doesn't know how to commit to someone. This has nothing to do with her age either.

 

 

How do you know it was just the one time anyway? She may have been seeing this guy for a lot longer and then had to spill the beans because of her guilt. Or maybe this other man dumped her? She has killed you and her.

 

 

I gave a cheater a second chance. BIG MISTAKE. By doing so I gave myself a further two years of pain. I am broken from it...low self esteem, horrendous anziety, paranoia.Relationships do not work without trust.

 

 

I wish I had dumped him as soon as he told me. But I held onto it because I thought he was my dream man. I don't think much of him now.

 

 

Honestly...she is not that wonderful

[Auspecial]

I'm honestly not looking to make excuses for her. In the past, I have had zero tolerance for cheating and made immediate hardlined action when it has happened. My issue with this woman is that I truly believe I will possibly never find someone I love like I do her. This belief is born of deduction, not emotion. I never encountered someone as compatible as her. After she cheated, I'm realizing she's not who I thought she was in terms of her capacity to keep a commitment. But does that mean I shouldn't give her a chance to learn from this experience? Are 100% of these scenarios doomed?

 

The odds are incredibly stacked, but there's something deep within me wanting to fight for love. I'm not naive. I know I sound like an idiot. There's a reason I have had zero tolerance in the past. And honestly, I've had no problems moving on from prior cheating circumstances when you set the lingering trust issue aside. I learned to move on from loving those individuals. I'm more intensely hurt this time because I do love this woman to a degree that towers over the rest. I feel I've dated enough people to understand my odds of discovering a connection like this are relatively low. To be clear, I can fall in love again someday. But I have strong doubts it can match what I had in this relationship.

 

 

It sounds to me like you have made your decision, and the only logical one you can make based on the facts at hand. Don't turn your back on something that is real.

 

 

Good luck to you and keep us posted on the wedding date!

[road]

Dating is the job interview for marriage. She failed. Be happy you found out now instead of after you married her.

 

 

For I have seen too many stories where the man had his GF cheat on him before they married. Then only to have her cheat again after they were married. Whether it was one, ten, or twenty years later.

[whatcanitellyou]

I'm sorry, I know it hurts.

 

I know you imagine that she's all kinds of mature but she isn't. The emotional road between 23 and 31 is a very long one. ....tremendous growth takes place during this time. She's not ready for the kind of commitment you are.

 

I'm 40 and have a 24 year old friend that I used to work with. On the surface she seems like all kinds of mature..... she's finishing her masters degree, owns a condo, good paying job, really has her stuff together. But when you really talk to her it's clear that emotionally she's 24, and since she is 24 that's perfectly normal.

Edited March 7, 2015 by whatcanitellyou

[lolablue17]

She's not the regular cheater. LDR is a cause for lots of troubles. To her favor you must remember she was totally honest with you and i guess most girls wouldn't tell you, of course not immediately, and sometimes you had to pull the truth out and get every time just part of the truth.

 

She was sure she can control herself and she made a mistake. I think that if she is so special, and you both love each other so much, than you can forgive her and nobody could tell the future but it's definitely not sure that she will do it again. It doesn't seem serial at this point.

 

But life is not just logical decisions, and the question is if you can bare the pain that comes with forgiveness and continue being with her. Because I can assure you that the pain won't dissapear so quickly.

[Buddhist]

My biggest fear is that I have this disgusting feeling in my gut that I will never connect with someone like I have with her. I've dated enough women to know what's real, and what we had was something truly special.

 

I know she's remorseful, but is that enough? Would you give her a second chance? Is there any hope for us?

 

There is no hope for this relationship. The only thing keeping you in it is your own fear, as posted above. Once you get past that you will take your revenge on her and get rid of her. It's really that simple although not what you want to hear right now. Jut keep moving through your emotions, be selfish in that, push her aside for a while and sort yourself out. Then when you are ready, end it.

 

You will find love again.

[cubed95]

My life keeps taking a turn for the worse. After moving from the Midwest to the Bay Area to take a job in January, I just learned today that my contract is being terminated at the end of the month due to a lack of funds. It's extra crushing b/c I took a pay cut when accepting this position, as it deals directly with my biggest passion in life. I was there for just six weeks, now I have no idea what to do with my life.

 

On the topic of this thread, I ended the relationship this past Saturday over Skype. It was bar none one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. We were both crying intensely, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it. A part of me is still second guessing everything, but I'm trying desperately to stay strong.

 

Losing the love of my life and a dream job in a matter of weeks has left me numb to life. This is all so surreal, and everything is falling apart at the seams. I have no friends out here to lean on. I now will have no money soon, as I spent most of my savings to visit her in Europe for three weeks back in December/January. My living situation is also only a temporary sublet and the Bay Area is so expensive. I don't know how things can get any worse

[ExpatInItaly]

My life keeps taking a turn for the worse. After moving from the Midwest to the Bay Area to take a job in January, I just learned today that my contract is being terminated at the end of the month due to a lack of funds. It's extra crushing b/c I took a pay cut when accepting this position, as it deals directly with my biggest passion in life. I was there for just six weeks, now I have no idea what to do with my life.

 

On the topic of this thread, I ended the relationship this past Saturday over Skype. It was bar none one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. We were both crying intensely, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it. A part of me is still second guessing everything, but I'm trying desperately to stay strong.

 

Losing the love of my life and a dream job in a matter of weeks has left me numb to life. This is all so surreal, and everything is falling apart at the seams. I have no friends out here to lean on. I now will have no money soon, as I spent most of my savings to visit her in Europe for three weeks back in December/January. My living situation is also only a temporary sublet and the Bay Area is so expensive. I don't know how things can get any worse

 

OP, I'm sorry to hear of your recent bad news. When it rains, it pours. The only thing you can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and see this as an opportunity for a new beginning - in all areas of your life.

 

Keep in mind that this girl was not the love of your life. The love of your life would never act so selfishly and callously. You had her on a pedestal but she's just shown you she clearly didn't belong there. It will take a while, but you will come to see that there are much better women of integrity out there. She wasn't The One for you.

[lgspot]

OP, I'm sorry to hear of your recent bad news. When it rains, it pours. The only thing you can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and see this as an opportunity for a new beginning - in all areas of your life.

 

Keep in mind that this girl was not the love of your life. The love of your life would never act so selfishly and callously. You had her on a pedestal but she's just shown you she clearly didn't belong there. It will take a while, but you will come to see that there are much better women of integrity out there. She wasn't The One for you.

 

I'm so very sorry for your misfortune. Indeed LIFE does pour it on sometimes. Do stay strong.

No second guesses...

 

I would like to know more of her explanation, if you feel able. Perhaps it might help you to share.

Again stay strong and keep posting. I hope someone will have wisdom so share...

[cubed95]

I'm so very sorry for your misfortune. Indeed LIFE does pour it on sometimes. Do stay strong.

No second guesses...

 

I would like to know more of her explanation, if you feel able. Perhaps it might help you to share.

Again stay strong and keep posting. I hope someone will have wisdom so share...

 

She is actually getting therapy right now to sort out the root cause of why she did it. The incident happened in the much larger city near her town. The town she is staying in overseas is very very small, and she feels very lonely out there. Not many people she can relate with, and she doesn't have any sort of human interaction that involves much touching. She was starting to feel depression and isolation before the incident, but did not communicate this openly with me on Skype. I didn't realize it was so serious. According to her, this incident has frightened her self image and she needs to figure out why it happened. None of this is to excuse it. But it's context.

 

I have maintained no contact, but I'm not in a very good place right now. Losing my job and her has put me in a dark place quite honestly. I'm not even crying anymore. I'm just numb to everything. And I find this very scary. The only thing I feel is the void she left behind. I should be thinking about how I'm going to survive out here, but when I lay down and close my eyes, she is all I can think about. I thought we had something real, but we didn't. I thought she truly loved me, but she didn't. She didn't just cheat on me physically, but it was emotional as well since she knew he was going to be at this bar. That hurts more than anything.

[Clay]

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your job. I know that has got to be hard. Try to just put your energy in finding a new job. Don't fall back into her mess. She cheated. That is her problem and the last thing you need now is a woman you can't count on. You need to reinvest in you and get back on your feet. Staying with a cheater is never worth it.

 

Clay

[SawtoothMars]

She is actually getting therapy right now to sort out the root cause of why she did it. The incident happened in the much larger city near her town. The town she is staying in overseas is very very small, and she feels very lonely out there. Not many people she can relate with, and she doesn't have any sort of human interaction that involves much touching. She was starting to feel depression and isolation before the incident, but did not communicate this openly with me on Skype. I didn't realize it was so serious. According to her, this incident has frightened her self image and she needs to figure out why it happened. None of this is to excuse it. But it's context.

I have maintained no contact, but I'm not in a very good place right now. Losing my job and her has put me in a dark place quite honestly. I'm not even crying anymore. I'm just numb to everything. And I find this very scary. The only thing I feel is the void she left behind. I should be thinking about how I'm going to survive out here, but when I lay down and close my eyes, she is all I can think about. I thought we had something real, but we didn't. I thought she truly loved me, but she didn't. She didn't just cheat on me physically, but it was emotional as well since she knew he was going to be at this bar. That hurts more than anything.

 

Hey... Just hang in there because good things will happen if you keep working for them.

 

I had my wife of 10 years cheat on me and I lost my house and had a huge paycut in the process. I lived in my car for months until I found a single room to rent for $400/month. I bounced back from that situation. Today I own a nice big house... I have a wife that is amazing and loves me better... and after doing my taxes last week I posted a total of over $100k. Just never give up! Keep fighting for what you want!

 

As for the xGF... she is maybe at a different life stage than you. Maybe you can come back to this in 4 or 5 years and she will be ready for something serious. I mean yeah she did you dirty, but instead of lie about it like most women, she was upfront and honest. You and I should both respect that. Believe that you WILL find something better.

 

Also women cheat A LOT! Honestly... I think most American women cheat at some point... so don't take this like there is something wrong with you. Instead just focus on finding a woman with morals. BUT... hold off on that until you sort out your career.

[cubed95]

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your job. I know that has got to be hard. Try to just put your energy in finding a new job. Don't fall back into her mess. She cheated. That is her problem and the last thing you need now is a woman you can't count on. You need to reinvest in you and get back on your feet. Staying with a cheater is never worth it.

 

Clay

 

 

I keep hearing this line of reasoning over and over. Is this academically supported? Are there any journal articles anyone can share that outlines why this is the case?

 

I'm not big on opinions, and prefer to find something researched or scientifically backed. I came across a few generic reports in journals regarding infidelity but I didn't find anything that analytically or empirically addresses the phrase that is in bold.

 

Perhaps someone here has a peer-reviewed journal article or two handy?

[cubed95]

Hey... Just hang in there because good things will happen if you keep working for them.

 

I had my wife of 10 years cheat on me and I lost my house and had a huge paycut in the process. I lived in my car for months until I found a single room to rent for $400/month. I bounced back from that situation. Today I own a nice big house... I have a wife that is amazing and loves me better... and after doing my taxes last week I posted a total of over $100k. Just never give up! Keep fighting for what you want!

 

As for the xGF... she is maybe at a different life stage than you. Maybe you can come back to this in 4 or 5 years and she will be ready for something serious. I mean yeah she did you dirty, but instead of lie about it like most women, she was upfront and honest. You and I should both respect that. Believe that you WILL find something better.

 

Also women cheat A LOT! Honestly... I think most American women cheat at some point... so don't take this like there is something wrong with you. Instead just focus on finding a woman with morals. BUT... hold off on that until you sort out your career.

 

Doesn't that only work in the movies? It sounds fairy tale. I don't see how we'll be anywhere near each other in 4 or 5 years. I want to travel a lot and live abroad in a few countries over the course of my life. From where I'm sitting, it's now or ever. I've made a decision, as conflicted as I am internally.

 

Every time I consider giving her a second chance, visual flashes of her having sex with some other guy pop into my mind followed by a sinking mix of betrayal and pain. She really does know what we had, and I just can't believe she risked it all. It's her loss, but my pain as well.

 

Also, I'm not sure if I agree about your blanket study regarding women cheating "A LOT". They cheat no more or no less than male according to most studies. That portion of women may cheat a lot, but it's not all women.

 

And the figures I've found from a few academic articles show that infidelity is not the norm in relationships. A Rutgers University study found that Americans ages 18 to 24, 12.9 percent of women have cheated, versus 15.9 percent of their male counterparts. A sociologist at the same university found that "the proportion of Americans who say they have ever cheated on their spouse has hovered at 20 to 25 percent of men and 10 to 15 percent of women" according to an article on US News and World Report.

Edited March 12, 2015 by cubed95