Ida2424 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I have been dating a guy for 3 years. We are in a committed relationship. In the beginning of our relationship, I found out about other women he was meeting up with (messages would pop up on his phone). We worked through that and he says that is all behind him. I now have a hard time trusting him and every once in a while I see messages to women I don't know. He has an email account that I had never seen before (1.5 years ago, he left it opened on his laptop by mistake and I read through tons of emails to other women). I still look at his phone when he's not in the room or his iPad. For a few months, there was nothing. Now the crap has started again, but he doesn't know that I know. He sent a picture of his chest to someone and had a picture of a woman in one of his emails. He does Yahoo messenger and chats with all these unknown women. He and I have a wonderful relationship. We have so much fun together and he has so many wonderful qualities. However, how do I let him know that I know about this new wave of cheating going on? I know I shouldn't be looking at his phone, but he created this mistrust in me. We talk about marriage down the road, but I can't marry him unless I know for sure that this nonsense is completely out of his system. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 He and I have a wonderful relationship. We have so much fun together and he has so many wonderful qualities. You DO NOT have a wonderful relationship. You do not trust him. He has messed around on you and is still doing so. If there is no trust in a relationship, there cannot be a relationship. Do you want to keep snooping through his belongings forever? You know he's sending other women pictures of his body. You know he's chatting and cheating. Why are you even considering marrying this man? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I don't think you should ever marry this guy. You say you are in a committed relationship, but the commitment sounds entirely one sided. His behavior doesn't show that he is committed to you, regardless of what his mouth says. I don't understand how you can say you two have a wonderful relationship if he is doing this stuff behind your back. I also don't understand how you can say he has wonderful qualities if he is capable of showing such disrespect to the woman he claims to love and wants to marry. If he was single and playing the field, than I'd say it's possible that he could mature and eventually settle down. However, he is in a relationship. This isn't just about a guy playing the field... it has an additional element. Deception. People don't just grow out of being a liar and a cheater. It takes work and conscious effort. He is showing you the kind of person he really is, but it's up to you to pay attention. Regardless of what he says to you and the feelings that he inspires in you, regardless of how much fun you have together... his actions tell the tale. He should be respecting and protecting your relationship as a couple, but he's not. After three years, he should be confident that you are the one he wants, but he's still looking for more. This doesn't mean you aren't enough- it means that he is deficient and like a bottomless pit. Never filled up, always wanting more. It's not you, it's him. These interactions validate him in some messed up way and these issues won't just disappear (as you have realized). Drop him and find a guy that gives you the respect and genuine love that you deserve. Sorry you are dealing with this, you are worthy of a lot better but you won't find it waiting for him to change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ida2424 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you both for your replies. I think he thinks just chatting with women isn't cheating as long as he doesn't meet up with the women. Is that a guy thing? Do a lot of guys do that? We are both older and divorced, so the technology that is now available is all new to us. I once asked him how he'd feel if he found sex messages from guys on MY phone! He no longer gets text messages from unknown women, just through this secret Yahoo messenger and email account. I am just wracked with feelings of insecurity around this relationship. What I meant by "we have a wonderful relationship" is that we have a great time together. We love being with each other. I want to talk with him about this latest discovery, but he doesn't know I'm checking his phone. Ugh! And I AM a great catch--too good for this world, I think... Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you both for your replies. I think he thinks just chatting with women isn't cheating as long as he doesn't meet up with the women. Is that a guy thing? Do a lot of guys do that? We are both older and divorced, so the technology that is now available is all new to us. I once asked him how he'd feel if he found sex messages from guys on MY phone! He no longer gets text messages from unknown women, just through this secret Yahoo messenger and email account. I am just wracked with feelings of insecurity around this relationship. What I meant by "we have a wonderful relationship" is that we have a great time together. We love being with each other. I want to talk with him about this latest discovery, but he doesn't know I'm checking his phone. Ugh! And I AM a great catch--too good for this world, I think... I'm sure you are a great catch. I have no doubt. The fact that you call it a "secret" messenger is wrong. It's secret, therefore, wrong. No, not all men do that. He is looking for his ego to be stroked among other things. Walk away from him. Even if it's to scare the sh it out of him. He needs to know this is a deal breaker for you, as it should be. If he is choosing all these other things over your trust, then you have all the answers you need. Be strong and firm in your beliefs and needs. Do not settle for less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Instead of telling him you know he's talking to other women, straight up ask him if he is ever chatting up women anymore. If he lies to you, there's your answer. If he tells you the truth, ask him why. If he asks why you are asking and get defensive, just tell him you're feeling insecure, didn't appreciate that he did it in the past and just doing a check-in. Let him know it's NOT OKAY with you. Do this in person so you can see his reaction. You'll know if he's lying. If you enjoy his time, date him casually and see other people. Just don't have any expectations about a long term monogamous relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Ida, since you know for a fact that he's cheating on you whether emotionally or physically if you confront him and I'm sure he will deny it.....What will you do about it? You do know if you don't let him know there are consequences that he will go astray again. He's cheating because you are allowing this behavior. The signs are all there but your heart doesn't want to accept it. Make a decision and stick to it but please know he's out there doing him and thinking of marriage at this point is not a good idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 If he is doing these things now, he will do them after you are married. He shouldn't be texting or emailing or doing anything with other woman. Your not his wife so you have no ties to him. What will happen if you get married and he cheats..,and he will! If you can avoid divorce now, then do it. Whatever habits people have before they get married, they get worse! Walk away now and save yourself a lot of pain! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mabelblue Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Take it from me, if you confront him about what you have found and he denies it he'll go deeper underground with his contact. He'll create another secret email and be more careful with evidence. It's easy to do. I hope all is resolved soon. You really don't deserve this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Don't marry this guy. He is immature and uses these women as an ego stroke. He likes flirting and getting attention by others. You know what he is capable of and now you see (again) he's up to no good. Tell him that he has to stop talking to these women. Or break up with him and let him know when he's serious about committing to ONLY you, then possibly you'll 'date' him again when he can prove to you he's worthy of YOU. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Yikes run away from this guy, Ida. He will lie to you when you confront him about his cheating. And it IS cheating when he messages other women to flirt with online. That is cheating because he's emotionally cheating on you with other women he chats online with. Happened to me with a couple of guys here on LoveShack, who had girlfriends in real life. Guys like that are cads, period. I agree that he'll continue to cheat on you virtually with women, even if you call him out on his lies. The only woman he should be messaging online is YOU. There is a strong chance that he won't stop his online cheating with these other women just because you marry him. Cheaters never prosper, but they don't quit either, even after they've been caught because it's a compulsion. They crave the attention, they crave the ego boost. They view themselves superior to women, so they justify to themselves and to the women they chat with, that they are platonic friends with them, yet their actions show otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 I agree with what everyone has posted for you. The messages that you read from the other women, were they anything that you yourself don't send him? Like if they were suggestive and you don't send anything like that to him, then he's going to continue to keep getting his ego strokes, whether you give him ultimatums or not and he'll be even more secretive about it. If you can't bring yourself to flirt with him in the same manner, then you should break up because you're not a good fit for each other. If you ARE sending the same kind of things as those women, then you should still break up because he's not going to change and he's one step closer to advancing it to physical. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ida2424 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 Thanks, everyone, for your advice. I have been afraid to talk with him about this because when I do, it will certainly end the relationship. That pain is almost unbearable to imagine. But I cannot tolerate anymore cheating. He has taken his texting with these strange women to a very locked down level. He knows that if he gets caught again, it will end our relationship. He actually was in therapy for this about 2 years ago. He feels he needs to be validated by strangers. He relocated to this area 3 yrs ago and has no friends here, so these strange women are his "friends." I complement him and stroke his ego all the time, but I guess that's not enough. I asked him if he wants to sext with him and he said no--he doesn't like that. Why does he like it with the Yahoo messenger whores but not with me? Feeling so sick and sad about this. We have a great relationship, except for this one thing, which is one of the most important elements in the foundation if a relationship. I will heed your advice and pray about it. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Thanks, everyone, for your advice. I have been afraid to talk with him about this because when I do, it will certainly end the relationship. It's already over except for the breaking up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ida2424 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 Also, I have 4 sisters and loads of close girlfriends, but I don't want to tell any of them about this because they will hate him. I need to be sure of my next move first. He's not meeting with anyone, only sexting with strange women, which I agree is also is unacceptable--emotional cheating. This is all new to me! I was married for 23 years and never had to worry about this problem with my ex (he had other problems--ugh). And when I dated 23 years ago, we didn't have the Internet or texting. It's weird--he can't wait to see me, treats me like a queen when we're together, and tells me how beautiful, funny, and smart I am. My gut tells me something's not right, though, but I'm afraid to address it. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Also, I have 4 sisters and loads of close girlfriends, but I don't want to tell any of them about this because they will hate him. I need to be sure of my next move first. He's not meeting with anyone, only sexting with strange women, which I agree is also is unacceptable--emotional cheating. This is all new to me! I was married for 23 years and never had to worry about this problem with my ex (he had other problems--ugh). And when I dated 23 years ago, we didn't have the Internet or texting. It's weird--he can't wait to see me, treats me like a queen when we're together, and tells me how beautiful, funny, and smart I am. My gut tells me something's not right, though, but I'm afraid to address it. Dating had its issues back in the days of yore (70s and 80s) when cellphones with internet and texting didn't exist.But they were easier to catch at cheating than now with so much technology available, that they use to hide their tracks. Men were caught cheating by the paper receipts trail . When men cheat, they come on extra strong with the charm and compliments. Plus, your gut knows this relationship is over. He's crossed the line that you drew in the sand. Don't erase it and give him another line. Hit him on the head with your stick and walk away. This little doggie's gone to Yahoo Messenger (because he hasn't been properly "fixed"). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Thank you both for your replies. I think he thinks just chatting with women isn't cheating as long as he doesn't meet up with the women. Is that a guy thing? Do a lot of guys do that? We are both older and divorced, ... So how long have you been living in Egypt? Because you are living in the land of Denial! Why is he divorced? Smell a man that stepped out in the past and is fishing now. Dump him, now. Why did you divorce husband #1? Edited February 25, 2015 by road Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Run run run. This isn't a boyfriend and most certainly no husband, it's just a sad clown begging for an audience. At least you know now why he's divorced. Even his ex didn't accept cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ida2424 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 He was legally separated from his ex-wife for 10 years because it was basically a loveless marriage. Finally got divorced after they sold their home. Same with me. No relationship. It just died out and we grew very far apart. Nothing in common. I will confront him this week. I'll ask him if he has been chatting with other women again or if he still has that private email that he had a few years ago. If he asks why I'm asking, I'll tell I'm still feeling insecure and just needed him to assure me that that behavior hasn't started up again, because if it has, I can't continue seeing him. It's a very serious, intense relationship--we both love each other very much, have spent a lot of time together, and we talk several times a day. Just leaving him will not be an easy option, but living with feelings that I cannot trust him is not easy either. Feeling screwed either way. Thank you all for your perspectives! I have never done this before. This has been eye-opening and empowering. Thanks, again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 No trust...not sure it's going anywhere for you. Might be better to get out! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 The problem is, that one little thing he does is a total deal breaker. So, it's not really a little thing. That's like saying that he's a great guy except that he goes out and robs a bank every night. These are not things to be overlooked just because he says the things you want to hear. Don't expect him to be truthful about what he's doing. He will lie, lie, lie until the cows come home. If it were me, I'd find out the truth on my own and if I found out that he was doing what you say he's doing, then I'd just dump him without a reason, except to say that I just really didn't have feelings for him anymore. I always say that if someone deceives me, all bets are off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 The problem is, that one little thing he does is a total deal breaker. So, it's not really a little thing. That's like saying that he's a great guy except that he goes out and robs a bank every night. These are not things to be overlooked just because he says the things you want to hear. Don't expect him to be truthful about what he's doing. He will lie, lie, lie until the cows come home. If it were me, I'd find out the truth on my own and if I found out that he was doing what you say he's doing, then I'd just dump him without a reason, except to say that I just really didn't have feelings for him anymore. I always say that if someone deceives me, all bets are off. +1 bathtub-row! I'm in 100% agreement with you. All bets are off if he lies about what he's doing, who he's with, who he IS as a person. Liars never prosper but they can really screw up your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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