Crystal_xx Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Last night me and my boyfriend were hanging out together. I got up to check the time, and his phone was right on the table, so I thought it was convenient for me to just check the time on his phone - when a notification caught my eye. There was a message from a girl that read: "I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and I really miss talking to you so I thought I'd send you a message." I scrolled up to the older messages and they were from before he and I started dating, where my boyfriend was telling this girl things like he missed her, sending her hearts, and being flirty. I didn't get the chance to go through all the messages because I was furious. He said she was only a friend and he hadn't spoken to her in a year (since we started dating), and he had no clue she was going to message him randomly like that. I, however, accused him for being shady, and leading all these girls. Now, I know it sounds like I overreacted, but I believe I have legitimate reasons as to why I did. When my boyfriend and I started dating, he was extremely "friendly" with his ex. And by friendly, I mean 'going shopping with her (alone), eating out with her (alone), going to the movies with her (alone)' and all making it seem like she was ONLY his friend, and they had no history together. However, I found out she was his ex-gf - was extremely pissed but he convinced me that he didn't cheat on me, his relationship with her was merely 'friendly'. He cut her out upon my request, but I've always been bitter towards him as a result of him being so inconsiderate about MY feelings by not only hanging out with her one-on-one but also keeping it a secret that she was his ex. His argument to this day is that he did not cheat, and he didn't title her as his 'ex' because what they had was merely a fling. I don't buy it. I still think going out to the movies with your former-gf without your current-gf knowing counts as cheating. So after the message popped up last night, I accused him of being shady again and hiding information about this girl who he's claiming to be a 'friend' AGAIN. That said, by stalking my boyfriend's past facebook posts (before we were together) it seems like he had a knack to say 'love you' and 'miss you' to all the females he knew - which makes me question how him saying 'love you' or 'miss you' makes me any different than all these other chicks! Am I being crazy about all this? Or do my accusations hold some weight? Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Yeah you were crazy and overreacted lol. If he was cheating he wouldn't leave his phone laying around with notifications on like that Doesn't sound like he's cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Op, you're completely right. He is not giving a damn about your feelings. If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck, guess what... It probably is a duck! He's keeping all his options and will continue to do so at least as long as you allow him to. Are you going to be a doormat or are you going to tell him to cut his exes and flings off or kiss you good bye? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Yeah you were crazy and overreacted lol. If he was cheating he wouldn't leave his phone laying around with notifications on like that Doesn't sound like he's cheating. Shows you have no clue how lazy or careless certain people are. Most people think they outsmart pretty much everyone around them. That's why affairs aren't usually a secret for a very long time. Going to the movies with an ex and not tell my current partner about it? Please... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Yeah - Sorry I only read the first paragraph. The second paragraph is kinda messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I wouldn't have tolerated any BF of mine hanging out alone with his ex. I would have ejected him from my life immediately....you are a push over for letting him even convince you it wasn't what you think. Dump this ass. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 My tingly senses actually say that you are over-reacting, Crystal. You were able to read through his messages and see that he'd only contacted her before the two of you had gotten together. There's nothing he's done wrong with this most recent girl. You're just jealous at the thought of him flirting with another girl even though it happened before the two of you were together. As for his "ex", I don't see where he hid the fact that he was hanging out with her. The only thing i see is that he was calling her his friend rather than his ex. You haven't given any details about how long their relationship had been or how serious it was. I don't see why it's so implausible that it was never serious enough for him to think of her as an ex. Given how emotional you seem to be, I'm not sure I trust your judgment. People are also jumping on the fact that they went to movies together, but I've been to movies alone with guys who were just friends. I don't see how catching a movie together is an indication of anything. Most importantly, he stopped once he knew it was bothering you. You're claiming there was deception involved, but I'm kind of suspicious if that was really the case. I guess I could see myself coming here when I was feeling jealous over something irrational, and spinning things to justify my feelings. People usually seem to side with the person who's posting, but they forget we're only getting one side of the story. Maybe I'm missing something, and I'm wrong. That's just my reaction to your post and the responses you've gotten. You know the details of the situation better than any of us. I'd urge you to wait until your emotions are calmed down and then evaluate things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I think you need to keep your radar on here. Just because there were no recent messages from this girl on his phone, doesn't mean he didn't just delete them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I agree with Elaine that you need to keep your eyes open but otherwise I think you went off the deep end. Yes it merited discussion but to freak out on him because of something that somebody else did is not cool. You said yourself that he was flirty with all these other women BEFORE he dated you and that at your request he stopped going out with his friend / EX. His behavior has therefore been honorable during your relationship. I have always been a proponent of what I call pre-existing friends, people of the opposite sex who were in an SO's life on a platonic level before they knew you. I too draw the line at former dates, EXs. If you could not find any FB or text communication from him to her & this was all one sided coming from her, he did nothing wrong since your relationship has existed but you are punishing him for things he did before he met you & things other people who are not him are doing. In what universe is that fair? You intercepted the message from this chick. You never even gave him the chance to write back: Hey. Thanks but I have a GF now. You just jumped to a conclusion born solely of your own insecurity. I'd be on your side if when he got back to the table you said Hey, I grabbed your phone to check the time when this message popped up. It kind of hurt my feelings. Who is she & why does she think it's OK to say stuff like this to you? Does she know we're together? If he did the right thing & messaged her back that he's with you, everything would be lovely now, wouldn't it? If he gaslighted you, then your dramatic reaction would have been understandable. In the present context, you overreacted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 (edited) Am I being crazy about all this? Or do my accusations hold some weight? If you have time and focus to be bitter, then it's really time for you to move on. This relationship has reached its expiration date if you can't let go of bitterness. Life's too short for that BS. You and he are not compatible. You are pissed at him for things that happened before he knew you. He didn't come to life when you came on the scene. He also cannot control what this girl writes to him. I agree with d0nnivain when she said that had you told him when he got back to the table that you saw the message and the rest of what they said in their #9 post, this probably wouldn't be an issue for you. You didn't give him the chance--you just took his head off because you are already bitter about him not being dormant before he met you. As far as you accusations are concerned: nothing any of us can say will flip him into being the kind of guy you need. You already know whether you should hang this up or not--you don't need us to tell you that. If you choose to compete with friendships that were established long before he knew you, you're going to come out the loser. Edited February 22, 2015 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I hope you have learned a lesson in how guys like him are. He's a player. Why would you put up with a guy who plays women with the line: Love you, Miss you, or even Kiss you. Then he has the nerve to say just friends. No such thing is just friends if our taking out your ex like your doing. She's in love with him still and he's in love with her. But you see how the player thinks. While he's dating you and when your busy he can go back to his ex and date her. Time for you to tell him either get out, or you just pack your things and leave him. He will never change his ways. Because a player always plays women an doing so you get hurt in the balance of his lies, cheating an etc. There are plenty of men out there who would love to be with you. But make sure what happen here doesn't follow you the next guy. Because you'll ways feel like the next one do the same thing to you. Then you put up wall (blockage) never let the next guy into your heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 To recover: I would admit to overreacting and tell him you do trust him. Going forward: Try to drop any jealousy, it will ruin a relationship in a heartbeat. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Two things going on here.... - You have some insecurities and personal issues to work out completely apart from your boyfriend. - Your boyfriend is in communication with other women and not telling you about it, or lying about it when challenged on it. Both of those situations need to be dealt with, preferrably separately and while you are single Link to post Share on other sites
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