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Blaming the other woman when married man cheats


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Why is it that when a married guy flirts and/or cheats, people put most of the blame on the other woman? (I’m talking about when the other woman knows the guy is married.) Of course both parties are wrong, but the married person is the one who broke vows and committed adultery. But is the other woman blamed because people feel SHE should have told the guy to beat it and not let things go so far?

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Depends on the situation. The OW finding out her boyfriend kept his family secret from her years later? Ouch -- at that point I'd give full blame to the MM. A serial cheater also gets majority of the blame in my opinion (and the BS too a little if she knows about it and tolerates it over and over - you know what he's like, no one is forcing you to stay).

 

The OW knowing he's taken but decides to pour oil into the fire "for the lulz"? Yep, here's some blame for you.

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One reason I posted/asked is that I know someone who had a “thing” with a married guy (he pursued), she got really messed up in the head and of course she got hurt because he had no intention of leaving his wife. This was in a small town long time ago and some other people found out……they talked about her like a dog, she lost her job because her work performance suffered, AND the wife was a co-worker!! Yikes. But as far as the married guy the attitude was “men will be men” and she should have known better. Sure she should have known better but seems like a double standard.

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I would only place blame on the person cheating. If a hot woman was flirting with one of my friends and I knew she had a Boyfriend, I would tell my friend to go for it.

 

 

If a person is willing to cheat on their partner, they've already cheated on them before that other person comes along.

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My wife was the cheater so I see things from that perspective. I think there are a lot of variables involved here. If the OM honestly doesn't know the wife is married then, of course, there's no reason to blame him. Or if the wife tells the OM that she's married but wants to fool around anyway I don't think there's much blame for OM - as long as he does not know her husband. Blame for OM starts to come into it when its a workplace thing where he knows she's married but starts up an affair with her anyway. And if she cheats with a friend or relative of her husband's then that OM has much blame. And so on.

 

But the bulk of the blame and the full responsibility always rests with the cheater. Ultimately it was their decision and they must own that fact.

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My friend knows a woman who is sleeping with a taken man.

Now, my friend is really angry at her because she feels... that this woman did nothing to deserve this betrayal from my friend even though they not friends, strangers basically.

 

 

My friend is totally blaming her own friend for the affair.

Yes, the woman is at fault, but its the man job to freaky keep his penis inside his pants, for him to be faithful! The woman doesn't have some type of right to be faithful to the other woman. It is the CHEATER partner who should take full blame! It is their job to remind loyal! The way I see it the other person is just in it for the fun, and shouldn't take any blame at all.

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Having an affair with someone else's committed partner lacks common decency; and it's a little beyond just failing to hold the door open for someone.

 

Don't care about them? Best not to expect them to care about you. Reap what you sow.

 

Apparently common decency runs about as common as common sense.

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todreaminblue

I did blame the other woman more than i blamed my ex at first......i blamed her because i felt as a woman and as a mother herself that she should have respected my family unit......and she knew he had five children at home....the fact remains though...i dont know what he said to her he could have said a lot of things....we just live together dont share the same bed normal lies a wayward spouse tells another i guess........i dont know...the fact was we were together sexually and in every way....till i made him choose

 

 

i dont blame her anymore......i dont even blame him .......its just over between him and i......and i am his friend......from a distance.....deb

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Why is it that when a married guy flirts and/or cheats, people put most of the blame on the other woman?
Generally, two impetuses:

 

1. The people are more invested in the married couple than in some random individual so are more inclined to favor those they know and have a history with over some stranger.

 

2. People get a mirror shoved into their face, psychologically, especially if they are married or LTR, and most people are, and 'there for the grace of God go I' so, again, pushing the anger or vitriol outward to some stranger is preferable and face-saving.

 

One thing I noticed with MW's over the decades was their departure from the general social circle or strata for extra-marital relations. I only know one who stated she had an affair with a close social circle member, meaning her husband knew the person personally. This supports my supposition regarding such matters, throwing the 'outsider' under the bus when push came to shove.

 

I shared more general comments regarding responsibility in this post in a currently running similar thread on this topic.

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One reason I posted/asked is that I know someone who had a “thing” with a married guy (he pursued), she got really messed up in the head and of course she got hurt because he had no intention of leaving his wife. This was in a small town long time ago and some other people found out……they talked about her like a dog, she lost her job because her work performance suffered, AND the wife was a co-worker!! Yikes. But as far as the married guy the attitude was “men will be men” and she should have known better. Sure she should have known better but seems like a double standard.

 

 

Simple they people do not have the WH as a co-worker so limited opportunity to get on his case. The BW is a co-worker so if the BW is trying to recover the co-workers have watch what they have to say around her.

 

 

Now the cheating, low down, without morals, home wrecking hoe's affair made her a wide open target. There is nothing to lessen or deflect her social punishment.

 

 

In the end it doe not matter whether it is not fair for her decisions brought this scorn upon herself.

 

 

Act as a hoe then you do not complain that people call you a hoe.

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Justanaverageguy
The married man is the bank robber and the other woman is the getaway driver. Both are guilty.

 

Nope not the same thing. The husband isn't married to the bank.

 

Instead of a bank you could say that they robbed the wife - then it might make sense. The husband supposedly loved her and she trusted him. He used this trust against her to deceive her and take advantage of her. To steal from her while he knew she wasn't looking. But of course he needed an accomplice to get away with it. The driver as you put it. Sure they would both go to jail for stealing but one thief involves betrayal, lying and deception to a loved one and someone they claimed to care deeply about. The other one is just a common thief who doesn't know them from a bar of soap. So which crime is worse ? I think its pretty obvious - stealing from family is considered the lowest thing you can do.

 

People who blame the OM or OW do my head in. "She cast a spell over my husband." I mean Seriously ? What is she a witch ? Your partner is not a dog and has a brain in their head to make decisions. They chose to lie and betray you someone they claimed to care about. Why some people think a stranger should care about your marriage and your family unit more then your partner totally baffles me.

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One reason I posted/asked is that I know someone who had a “thing” with a married guy (he pursued), she got really messed up in the head and of course she got hurt because he had no intention of leaving his wife. This was in a small town long time ago and some other people found out……they talked about her like a dog, she lost her job because her work performance suffered, AND the wife was a co-worker!! Yikes. But as far as the married guy the attitude was “men will be men” and she should have known better. Sure she should have known better but seems like a double standard.

 

In this case, yes, I agree with you. Definitely seems like a double standard.

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Nope not the same thing. The husband isn't married to the bank.

 

Instead of a bank you could say that they robbed the wife - then it might make sense. The husband supposedly loved her and she trusted him. He used this trust against her to deceive her and take advantage of her. To steal from her while he knew she wasn't looking. But of course he needed an accomplice to get away with it. The driver as you put it. Sure they would both go to jail for stealing but one thief involves betrayal, lying and deception to a loved one and someone they claimed to care deeply about. The other one is just a common thief who doesn't know them from a bar of soap. So which crime is worse ? I think its pretty obvious - stealing from family is considered the lowest thing you can do.

 

People who blame the OM or OW do my head in. "She cast a spell over my husband." I mean Seriously ? What is she a witch ? Your partner is not a dog and has a brain in their head to make decisions. They chose to lie and betray you someone they claimed to care about. Why some people think a stranger should care about your marriage and your family unit more then your partner totally baffles me.

 

It's obviously not the same thing; it's an analogy. My point is that both are guilty of committing a crime (either against the bank or the BS). The OM/OW is an accomplice in the betrayal. Is it "worse" that the wayward made vows? Sure. Does that make the AP blameless? Sorry, no. I can multitask and find them both guilty.

 

But if you prefer a closer analogy, let's use yours (stealing from family). If someone knowingly helps them, they're still guilty. Is the family member particularly disliked for it? Sure. But the accomplice is still just as guilty.

 

Where I agree with you is in situations where a betrayed partner puts all (or an excessive amount) of the blame on the OP. But I think what frequently happens is that the wayward "stays" with the BS, performs pennance, and begins to earn forgiveness. But the AP is seen to have gotten off 'scot free.' There's no penance, no consequences, and no earning of forgiveness. The appearance is that the blame is on the AP when really it is on both (but one is working towards forgiveness and the other is still a subject of contempt).

 

Where I really feel for APs is when they do the right thing by breaking off the affair and telling the BS and are still the subject of malice and punishment for a long time. I've personally seen one really bad case here where the OW did the right thing and paid for it for a long time (while the wayward appeared to get a pass).

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I think there is a double standard also. I do think more cheating men get a pass than an OW or cheating wife. Women are held to a different standard in cheating situations. They also typically suffer more peripheral consequences such as loss of work, social status and friendships.

 

Yes, OW/OM bear responsibility if they are aware that their AP is married and not "separated" or "single." If they know, they have culpability. I do wonder though, if they have never met BS, how much genuine compassion they can muster when all they have is the WS feeding them what they want to tell?

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That's because men are revered as heroes when they bang as many chicks as they can or can bang someone hotter and younger than his wife....he gets a pat on the back for his accomplishments. BUT if a woman bangs as many men as she can or has an affair on her husband, she is a skanky whore, worthless piece of s hit that people want to stone to death.

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Not all women blame the other woman. The ones who do, usually it's because they don't want to have to give up the man and if they faced his full culpability in the situation, it would be a lot harder to justify staying with him. Honestly, it's a pretty simple formula. The one who should take the most blame is the one who knew you the best, and that's the cheating spouse in most instances. The other one, you didn't choose them, they didn't choose you, you have no pact with them, and you can't control their ethics or maturity or reasons behind what makes them do what they did.

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Why is it that when a married guy flirts and/or cheats, people put most of the blame on the other woman? (I’m talking about when the other woman knows the guy is married.) Of course both parties are wrong, but the married person is the one who broke vows and committed adultery. But is the other woman blamed because people feel SHE should have told the guy to beat it and not let things go so far?

 

I've not experienced this personally. Both parties are culpable and in my country at least the bigger part of the blame seems to lie on the committed one, rather than the single one, no matter what the gender.

 

Unfortunately there are people who get a kick out of getting a committed person away from their present partner. These people are psycho's mostly and they get off on winning, only to leave their prize shortly after.

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Anytime there is an affair with infidelity involved neither party is blameless. Men say stupidly "she flirted with me " or "she led me on" , and women say just as stupidly " he pursued me" or " he showed me attention". It's all bull **** excuses for not taking responsibility .

 

Just me opinion but I think women may get blamed more because whether or not a guy can keep it in his pants or not does not matter . The final say on sex unless it is rape comes when a woman says yes and let's him enter her . That doesn't make blaming women more correct but may be why it happens .

The fact is there are no blameless parties in affairs and usually no winners in the long run .

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Both are to blame.

 

 

Which one deserves MORE of the blame? I would say the one who is married. Male, female whatever role it doesn't matter. You did some vows, you are in a committed relationship, it isn't okay.

 

 

The "other" person is still very guilty though. I know your emotions take over and you might buy into how the person's spouse never pays attention to them, but guess what, you have one side of the story. You should never, ever get involved in a marriage and make it impossible for a couple who once devoted themselves to each other to possibly fix things. It isn't your place to be there to mess that up.

 

 

If it doesn't work that person can leave if they want. But don't buy into this mirage that they want out but are still living there. That's their choice, you don't want to get involved.

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Justanaverageguy
It's obviously not the same thing; it's an analogy. My point is that both are guilty of committing a crime (either against the bank or the BS). The OM/OW is an accomplice in the betrayal. Is it "worse" that the wayward made vows? Sure. Does that make the AP blameless? Sorry, no. I can multitask and find them both guilty.

 

But if you prefer a closer analogy, let's use yours (stealing from family). If someone knowingly helps them, they're still guilty. Is the family member particularly disliked for it? Sure. But the accomplice is still just as guilty.

 

 

I agree both parties committed a crime and both did the wrong thing but the crimes are not same. They are not "just as guilty". Yes the OM/OW still committed a crime but one is petty theft the other is grand larceny. Even criminal law has harsher punishments for being the primary perpetrator of a crime as opposed to aiding and abetting or being an accessory.

 

But really the core of it is that at the end of the day a relationship is between 2 people and the agreement and terms of the relationship are between those 2 people only. Since we are talking law it is essentially a contract between the 2 people - that's all marriage is. In my own relationships if my partner breaks those terms - then she is responsible. I've had countless men hit on my previous partners in full knowledge she was taken. I've also been overtly propositioned by a number of women with full knowledge I was in a relationship. I know and expect that will happen. I do not make an agreement with the entire population of men on the planet that my partner is suddenly off limits. I make an agreement with my partner that we are exclusive and committed relationship. So the responsible for up keeping that agreement is clear. It lies directly with the 2 people involved.

 

Where I really feel for APs is when they do the right thing by breaking off the affair and telling the BS and are still the subject of malice and punishment for a long time. I've personally seen one really bad case here where the OW did the right thing and paid for it for a long time (while the wayward appeared to get a pass).

 

I agree with you completely on this. Like I said I find it absurd that people hold a random stranger responsible for their own partner cheating. I agree that the above is completely wrong.

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It goes way back to the Old Testament and the moral imperative of not coveting. Adultery is the sin of the married but the affair partner falls under the coveting rule.

 

So both are viewed as equally bad acts.

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I would only place blame on the person cheating. If a hot woman was flirting with one of my friends and I knew she had a Boyfriend, I would tell my friend to go for it.

 

 

If a person is willing to cheat on their partner, they've already cheated on them before that other person comes along.

How would you feel if you were that "boyfriend" she was cheating on? im some times amazed how people can rationalize flat out knowingly hurting others..

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...throwing the 'outsider' under the bus when push came to shove.

 

Yes.

The "outsider" is to blame, they are the nasty one, they are the one with no morals, they are the one that split the marriage, they are the one that ruined everything...

 

There is the uncomfortable fact that when a person cheats, the dreaded implication is that the WS does not love the BS as much as the BS thought they did. That is a body blow and so it is often much easier to blame the AP rather than accept that the WS had a part to play in the deception.

It is a head in the sand move designed to protect the ego.

 

There is also another angle to this too.

When we chose our partners, we usually congratulate ourselves on finding the right one. When that "right one" lets us down, we then look back on ourselves. We blame ourselves for being stupid, for making a mistake in choosing the wrong person, but if we can offload that blame onto the AP, then our ego remains intact, we did choose the "right one", we were not to blame, we did not make a mistake, but they were taken away from us by that scheming, conniving AP...

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