pgirl9000 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I am in a loveless marriage for 10 years with 2 kids. I am emotionally and physically not happy for the past year . marriage counseling didn't help and I am stuck because of kids and financial insecurity. My coworker keeps complimenting me, appreciating me and giving lots of attention to me for last 4 months. I went out to coffee with him after he repeatedly asked for more than a month. He was fun, smart, kind and captive. I wanted to meet him again and we went out for coffee again. This time he kissed me deeply in car and caught me by surprise. From that time I was completely taken with him. I couldn't help thinking about him day and night. He made me feel happy and passionate after a long time and I liked it. He told he is only sexual attracted to me, doesn't want any ties and he is very close to his wife. He started deciding when to meet and what to do. I was hurt that my feelings were not considered, but let him take control as I was crazy thinking of him all the time. He did not talk to me after we met and kissed for 3rd time. I was very hurt that he avoided . He was feeling guilty, it was a mistake and he wanted out. I could not recover from this nor did my affection for him reduce, but I tried avoiding him for his sake as he wanted to be left alone. Last week out of blue he was suddenly behind me all over the office, winking at me, kissing me in elevator n telling I was very sex and beautiful. We met after office kissed in car, he was groping me all over but no sex. While leaving he told I should not be mentally attached to him and we will meet and have physical pleasure with each other once a month and I agreed. After that I am unable to control my desires towards him. I feel like meeting him and being close to him. He doesn't want that. I don't know what he wants anymore and if I can wait for a month. But still I could not help thinking about him all the time. I am hurt and I don't know how to get out of this. What should I do? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
BeatsByDirk Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 He caught you with the hot and cold! It's like he read a book on how to trap a woman in an affair. I would look into the other woman/other man forum because even though you are married you are checked out of that relationship and nothing about your post indicates you don't want this because you are married. I don't care, I'm not judging it's just something to be clear about. Ummm NO CONTACT! I know you have to work with him but he had no problem avoiding you when he went cold. I would like to say that I think where your problem is lies with him basically deciding that you were okay with being a bootie call where as oh want a boyfriend. Consider disclosing that he misread what you wanted and that once a month is not what you imagined. If he's not willing to put in the work then he needs to look for another affair partner. You are emotionally starved and this affair will probably take you to a dark unhealthy place 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tam1984 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 It's not worth it, believe me. Aside from the fact that you two are both married...it's extremely apparent that you care for him much more than he does for you. I think it's fairly common for people in failing marriages to immediately hook onto the first person to show them the least bit of affection...it doesn't mean that person is worthy of your time or energy. He told you what he wants (sex, pretty much), but it's pretty obvious that you want something beyond that. There's no future in him. Nip it in the bud now before things get messy and you, his wife, your husband, and any children involved get hurt. If you're in a loveless marriage it's time to move on in the proper way...not to let yourself be treated like an object by another married man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pgirl9000 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 He caught you with the hot and cold! It's like he read a book on how to trap a woman in an affair. I would look into the other woman/other man forum because even though you are married you are checked out of that relationship and nothing about your post indicates you don't want this because you are married. I don't care, I'm not judging it's just something to be clear about. Ummm NO CONTACT! I know you have to work with him but he had no problem avoiding you when he went cold. I would like to say that I think where your problem is lies with him basically deciding that you were okay with being a bootie call where as oh want a boyfriend. Consider disclosing that he misread what you wanted and that once a month is not what you imagined. If he's not willing to put in the work then he needs to look for another affair partner. You are emotionally starved and this affair will probably take you to a dark unhealthy place Thanks for the advice. He is treating me cheaply and i was desperately starved in my marriage to give in to his wits. Before my marriage lots of men were behind me, ready to do anything to marry me. I did have 2 healthy relationship with men before marriage where they treated me with lots of love and respect. One was for 4 years and another was for 2 years. I was never treated cheaply in all those years. I was treated like a queen. I broke up with both of them due to personal issues. I am smart and very beautiful. This marriage has made me so desperate that the slightest show of affection makes me beg for more! I never even cared for this coworker before. It all started when he kissed and i was sexually starved for years.. I can't believe i let myself to be treated like this for little affection and sex.. I have to raise above this, make myself strong and tell him to work it out with me. Else no deal! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pgirl9000 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 It's not worth it, believe me. Aside from the fact that you two are both married...it's extremely apparent that you care for him much more than he does for you. I think it's fairly common for people in failing marriages to immediately hook onto the first person to show them the least bit of affection...it doesn't mean that person is worthy of your time or energy. He told you what he wants (sex, pretty much), but it's pretty obvious that you want something beyond that. There's no future in him. Nip it in the bud now before things get messy and you, his wife, your husband, and any children involved get hurt. If you're in a loveless marriage it's time to move on in the proper way...not to let yourself be treated like an object by another married man. You are right, he is not worthy of my time and energy. And i am going to do my best to get myself out of this, even it means pretending to myself that i dont like him. I dont want to let him treat me like an object and hurt myself. After everytime i met him, i felt very hurt because of his neglect. For this little bit of sexual passion its not worth for me to suffer and hurt like this not knowing when next time he will be available for me.. Which is making me crazy and hurt more! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Um, so why not just leave your husband? You don't love him one single bit, you are disrespectful and dishonest. Not once did you mention anything truly important, like telling your husband what you have been up to. You get no sympathy from me, you were in a loveless marriage? Okay, do something about it that doesn't involve kissing other men. Sorry, you have kids, but they are never going to one day sit you down and say "thanks for sticking around so you could be our mom and also cheat on our father". You are stuck because of kids and "financial security". Right, so it's totally cool to keep feeding off your husband, spending his money, all the while you have been cheating on him? Great lesson for your kids. Keep feeding off him while keeping him in the dark and making a fool of him. There are tapeworms out there with more respect for the people they feed off of. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Depends. Is this man worth tearing your family apart, tearing your kids up emotionally and killing off your reputation? Although it doesn't matter, you're already in the affair so it's done already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I didn't even have to read your whole post - although I did - to respond to your thread title: No, It is NEVER worth the risk when both people involved are married. You are unhappy in your marriage - fix that. Finding "happiness" in another's arms can only end in tragedy and pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 You are now not important to 2 men, which must feel like a big step up from being not important to only 1 man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Depends. Is this man worth tearing your family apart, tearing your kids up emotionally and killing off your reputation? Although it doesn't matter, you're already in the affair so it's done already. If she didn't believe it was worth it we wouldn't be in a topic right now with her talking about cheating on her husband several times. So yep, to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, did she think it was worth it? OH HELL YEAH. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 If she didn't believe it was worth it we wouldn't be in a topic right now with her talking about cheating on her husband several times. So yep, to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, did she think it was worth it? OH HELL YEAH. I just wonder why bother asking then. She's already developing the cheater mindset and selfishness, it's too late. And if people ask for encouragement they're in the wrong forum, although there are plenty of other forums whose members show "understanding" for excuses/justifications like "he doesn't have time for me, he's working too much and no I don't care that he's working to finance us the life that we have". Her AP also sounds like a real pro. He's got her where he wants her and she's on the hook. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Well yeah that is the thing, people who register here to post a topic should probably read others first, they will realize they will not gain sympathy or people excusing their behavior..which I imagine was probably the goal here with the OP. Not for us to necessarily say what she is doing was perfectly okay, but maybe for people to say "yeah it's not as bad as you thought it was". Which of course is wrong, but yeah..the mind of a cheater is a cornucopia of batsh*t insanity and backwards logic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Play with the bull you get the horns. This MM made advances, you recipocated, he set his boundaries with you before anything got started. YOU could have walked away. YOU should know there are risks to infidelity, especially with a married man. You are looking for emotional and physical satisfaction, he is only looking for physical satisfaction, so don't get mad at him if his expectations are not the same as yours. There can be no commitment with someone who is already committed to someone else. Getting hurt is part of the process when you play this dangerous game. You want things to change with your marriage, you have to communicate with your husband, get couples couselling or get counselling for yourself. If it can't be resolved, and you are still unhappy, get a divorce. Cheating solves nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 You're not just risking your marriage, but your career as well. Just saying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Well yeah that is the thing, people who register here to post a topic should probably read others first, they will realize they will not gain sympathy or people excusing their behavior..which I imagine was probably the goal here with the OP. Not for us to necessarily say what she is doing was perfectly okay, but maybe for people to say "yeah it's not as bad as you thought it was". Which of course is wrong, but yeah..the mind of a cheater is a cornucopia of batsh*t insanity and backwards logic. No, most cheaters are emotionally weakened to the point of desperation. Combine that with emotional/physical starvation, or abuse and you have the perfect storm. The desire that is derived by the attention, is so intense, it becomes addictive like a hit of heroin. It makes them so helpless, they want to keep that high, so they keep chasing it just like someone addicted to drugs. Then they are so caught up in their emotions, they lose control and can't get out. So the OP isn't in her right mind....there's fear, hurt, confusion, and desperation. The action I can't sympathize with, but I can sympathize with the human being that the OP is. She is a person with feelings, emotions, and she really needs our help, not rude comments, or name calling. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) No, most cheaters are emotionally weakened to the point of desperation. Combine that with emotional/physical starvation, or abuse and you have the perfect storm. The desire that is derived by the attention, is so intense, it becomes addictive like a hit of heroin. It makes them so helpless, they want to keep that high, so they keep chasing it just like someone addicted to drugs. Then they are so caught up in their emotions, they lose control and can't get out. So the OP isn't in her right mind....there's fear, hurt, confusion, and desperation. The action I can't sympathize with, but I can sympathize with the human being that the OP is. She is a person with feelings, emotions, and she really needs our help, not rude comments, or name calling. I'm sorry, but nope, the OP does not need someone brushing off their behavior as akin to that of a drug addict. This woman isn't helpless, she knew what she was doing, so please don't try to act like it was just out of her hands. It's not being addicted, it's being selfish, and it helps NOBODY to pretend otherwise. Seriously, do you read what you write? You just friggin called her HELPLESS. How was she helpless? Is she not an adult? She "wasn't in her right mind"? What? Was she suffering from dementia at the time? Being selfish and willing to hurt others doesn't translate into being helpless and all that, I don't know where you even got this notion from. You act like she was a helpless child who lack any impulse control. It's just mind boggling how you turn her cheating into her suddenly being helpless to avoid cheating. Edited February 11, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Short answer: No Source: experience Link to post Share on other sites
Author pgirl9000 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 No, most cheaters are emotionally weakened to the point of desperation. Combine that with emotional/physical starvation, or abuse and you have the perfect storm. The desire that is derived by the attention, is so intense, it becomes addictive like a hit of heroin. It makes them so helpless, they want to keep that high, so they keep chasing it just like someone addicted to drugs. Then they are so caught up in their emotions, they lose control and can't get out. So the OP isn't in her right mind....there's fear, hurt, confusion, and desperation. The action I can't sympathize with, but I can sympathize with the human being that the OP is. She is a person with feelings, emotions, and she really needs our help, not rude comments, or name calling. Smacked - You got me right. I was desperate for love and affection which made me do these things. I am realizing these before it's too late. I have been with a counselor to get things straight. It's so hard on me. But getting away from this guy is the right thing to do. Being addicted to this guy is only going cause me more pain, hurt and suffering. However my marriage is I have got to respect it and I am going to try to fix it. Thanks for your understanding and support, I am slowly pulling myself away from this guy and I am not going to stop until it's done. As for the comments about feeding off my husband, I too have worked hard all along and earn equally well and given to my family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I work with 2 women and men, who've hooked up with each other while they're all married/involved and I can tell you that I have absolutely no respect for any of them. They are quite obviously liars (not worthy of respect), devious (not worthy of respect) and oblivious to the feeling of others (not worthy of respect.) So I show them no respect and one was quite a senior manager! He's gone now, maybe he's looking for his next conquest at his new job? who knows? One workmate's son attempted suicide. I blame the situation his mother created, so I think she's total scum. If you don't care what your workmates think- go for it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I am in a loveless marriage for 10 years with 2 kids. I am emotionally and physically not happy for the past year . marriage counseling didn't help and I am stuck because of kids and financial insecurity. My coworker keeps complimenting me, appreciating me and giving lots of attention to me for last 4 months. I went out to coffee with him after he repeatedly asked for more than a month. He was fun, smart, kind and captive. I wanted to meet him again and we went out for coffee again. This time he kissed me deeply in car and caught me by surprise. From that time I was completely taken with him. I couldn't help thinking about him day and night. He made me feel happy and passionate after a long time and I liked it. He told he is only sexual attracted to me, doesn't want any ties and he is very close to his wife. He started deciding when to meet and what to do. I was hurt that my feelings were not considered, but let him take control as I was crazy thinking of him all the time. He did not talk to me after we met and kissed for 3rd time. I was very hurt that he avoided . He was feeling guilty, it was a mistake and he wanted out. I could not recover from this nor did my affection for him reduce, but I tried avoiding him for his sake as he wanted to be left alone. Last week out of blue he was suddenly behind me all over the office, winking at me, kissing me in elevator n telling I was very sex and beautiful. We met after office kissed in car, he was groping me all over but no sex. While leaving he told I should not be mentally attached to him and we will meet and have physical pleasure with each other once a month and I agreed. After that I am unable to control my desires towards him. I feel like meeting him and being close to him. He doesn't want that. I don't know what he wants anymore and if I can wait for a month. But still I could not help thinking about him all the time. I am hurt and I don't know how to get out of this. What should I do? Please help. Never isht where you eat. Ever. It's bad enough that you're not sorting your bad marriage out ( you aren't trapped, you're lazy about doing the heavy lifting you need to do), but chasing in behind someone you work with is plain old messy. Messy messy messy. You need to go back to your therapist, alone, and figure out a way to stop gouging out the hull of your boat already, because you are sinking and taking on water, girl. Clean up this mess already! Link to post Share on other sites
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