Deia Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 My boyfriend is 51 and I am 46. We are dating for 18 month. He got the custody of his 14 years old daughter in June last year. He lived in another state and we were in a long distance relationship. When he moved here, he told me he was moving to be closer to me because he wanted a family life since he is divorced for 10 years. He had talked about marry me after he establish his business here, so he rented an apt to live here with his daughter in June last year. Now he is moving to another house with a married woman that lives with her 14 years old girl that study in the same school of my boyfriend's daughter. This woman is married but her husband lives in another state and he usually comes back and forth. I told my boyfriend that I don't feel comfortable with this but he does't care. He told me he is struggling about money and sharing a place will help him save money. I know this is true...What I don't like is that he doesn't care about my feelings and also I know that I will not handle it very well. I met this woman and I didn't like her. She is attractive. I am a beautiful woman too, but I don't have good feelings about this woman. When my boyfriend told me he was going to live with this woman, I told him all my feelings for three times but he is convicted about his decision. He told me that I have being jealousy and that I don't trust on him and this is a red flag for him. Then he asked my support in this difficult time for him. He asked me to be on his side instead against him... I told him that I could give him support for he lives with me instead with another woman and that we could rent a place together and have our family. I found a beautiful house for we share and the rent for him would be the same value he is going to pay for only two bedrooms/one bath for him and his daughter in a shared home with this woman. He didn't agree. He told me he is not prepared for make this decision. I love him so much, as I never have loved a guy before.... How can I handle it? Am I being very controlling? Am I wrong being worried about it? I am wondering about him and she cooking together, being friends....Crazy! Help! Lol ***Sorry about mistakes in English. This is not my first language. I am learning. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I have lived with multiple girls in the last 5 years. I have had sex with a total of 0 of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 If he were going to do something with another woman, he would do it whether he lives with one or not. The other option would be for him to live with you which may not seem like a great idea to you. If it makes you feel any better, I work with a guy who is 42 and will sleep with anything that moves - he really has almost a different woman every night. However, he has two female roommates who are both attractive and single. I once asked why nothing ever happens with them and he said that would make living there extremely awkward and he needs to live with roommates. Not sure if all guys think this way, but it makes sense to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deia Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 I wanted to live with him, but he doesn't. I think this is my frustration too. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 You expressed your concerns. He's doing what he wants anyway. He also doesn't want to live with you. Together those things say a LOT about how important you are to him. On the flip side, he may not want to share a bed with a woman not his wife in front of his impressionable teenaged daughter, which I can respect. That said, you can dump him over this. Your other option is to sit back & see how this plays out. It might be OK especially because this other woman is married. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) I think that the problem isn't "Him sharing rent with a woman". That is a minor thing and the chances for him to cheat with her, are the same for him to cheat with any other woman. There 2 issues: 1. He doesn't care about your feelings, no matter what they are. Yes, jealousy is a legitimate feeling that shouldn't be ignored. He even pulled out a threat that "If you jealous it's a red flag for him". A man who threats on you when you feel low and insecure, is major red flag for you. 2. He doesn't want to live with you. That is the real issue here. After 18 month together with you, while you have a solution that will cost the same, why does he prefer to live with a female room mate instead of living with the woman he loves and wants to marry?!!!! it seems odd, and hurtful. Edited February 7, 2015 by lolablue17 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 WE an imagine all sorts of scenarios here as regards this "arrangement", but the bottom line is that given a good choice, and you did provide him with a good option; he has chosen to live with a married woman as her "room mate", instead of living with you. The two daughters at the same school is convenient, but parents tend not to share homes with each other just because their offspring are in the same class at school, do they?... Of course, he may be thinking of using this woman as some sort of unpaid nanny though, to look after his daughter when he cannot. Jealousy may be a red flag, but a huge red flag for any committed relationship is actively choosing to live with another woman, instead of the woman he is supposed to love and supposedly wants to marry. You are all adults here, at 51 he should be making adult choices as regards your continuing relationship. He has chosen a path that places you at a distance, so you have to question his whole commitment to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 WE an imagine all sorts of scenarios here as regards this "arrangement", but the bottom line is that given a good choice, and you did provide him with a good option; he has chosen to live with a married woman as her "room mate", instead of living with you. The two daughters at the same school is convenient, but parents tend not to share homes with each other just because their offspring are in the same class at school, do they?... Of course, he may be thinking of using this woman as some sort of unpaid nanny though, to look after his daughter when he cannot. Jealousy may be a red flag, but a huge red flag for any committed relationship is actively choosing to live with another woman, instead of the woman he is supposed to love and supposedly wants to marry. You are all adults here, at 51 he should be making adult choices as regards your continuing relationship. He has chosen a path that places you at a distance, so you have to question his whole commitment to you. This..and why would he chose to live with a mother and her child with a husband that occasionally pops around rather than you? You're both not kids anymore that he would choose that option rather than you should tell you all you need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 He doesn't want to live with you......that's a big bub-bye! If you are an attractive woman you will have np finding yourself a real man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Even if you knew 100% nothing would ever happen..I'd still find it hard to deal with my partner living with a member of the opposite sex. This just sounds like it is begging to be the beginnings of a Jerry Springer episode. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Complete f$#kery. Nobody in a committed relationship should be "roommates" with another of the opposite sex.....EVER. F$#k trust, it's simply about respect and perception. I'd dump him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katlover Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I would totally be against it if I were you. You already said she's attractive and that's enough for this guy to cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) date others, get some male friends, take your mind off him, stop needing him, see him, but date others, he is hanging with some stranger now so you do the same i bet you haven't laughed in a long time, ya know - been happy and had fun Edited February 8, 2015 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Loscats Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I told my boyfriend that I don't feel comfortable with this but he does't care. If he does not care about how you feel, then you can't expect much from this relationship. I really can't see a good future for you being with him - it's just my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 You've been demoted. He doesn't want a future with you--otherwise he would be talking about signing the lease on that house you looked at. What is wrong with him keeping the apartment he's been living in? Not enough room for his daughter? I think you should consider your relationship to be over. Your English is very good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Complete f$#kery. Nobody in a committed relationship should be "roommates" with another of the opposite sex.....EVER. F$#k trust, it's simply about respect and perception. I'd dump him. What?! You clearly have never had to share a house or you wouldn't even entertain that idea. You share a house with whomever is available to share a house! Right now I share a house with 2 guys and one girl. Both the guys have gfs and they come over often. Not an issue in any way, shape or form. It's not about respect. It's about trust. It's not disrespectful to live in a house with members of the opposite sex if you trust your partner. Sharing a house does not mean sex orgies! Anyway, as for the OP, I think the most telling bit is that he doesn't want to move in WITH YOU... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 What?! You clearly have never had to share a house or you wouldn't even entertain that idea. You share a house with whomever is available to share a house! Right now I share a house with 2 guys and one girl. Both the guys have gfs and they come over often. Not an issue in any way, shape or form. It's not about respect. It's about trust. It's not disrespectful to live in a house with members of the opposite sex if you trust your partner. Sharing a house does not mean sex orgies! Anyway, as for the OP, I think the most telling bit is that he doesn't want to move in WITH YOU... Are you in your 20s? I suppose sharing a house with a group of people is different. In any case, I'd never date someone who was sharing a house nor was roommates with a woman. JMO. For a grown man and woman to live with one another as "roommates" when they're in relationships with other people, it's completely unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 OP, I think your boyfriend has given you 3 reasons to dump him (it's what I would do): 1. He doesn't care about what you think or how you feel. He only cares about himself and what he wants to do. 2. He doesn't want to live with you, even though you two are in a relationship and it makes the most sense to live together. He could still save money living with you. So that whole saving money by living with married woman is a lie. 3. He's living with a married woman who gave you bad vibes when you met her, because your womanly intuition alarm bells are ringing loud, that she is not to be trusted around your boyfriend. Those two deserve each other frankly. 3.5 Your boyfriend accuses you of being jealous, instead of admitting to you that he's being selfish. He can blame you, so that he doesn't have to feel guilty for choosing himself over you. He's made you an option, and made himself a priority in your relationship. Dump him. You can find a man who will respect your opinion, care about your feelings, and treat you as an equal. This guy certainly doesn't do any of those things. He sounds like a total ass. Curb time for him. Kick him hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Are you in your 20s? I suppose sharing a house with a group of people is different. In any case, I'd never date someone who was sharing a house nor was roommates with a woman. JMO. For a grown man and woman to live with one another as "roommates" when they're in relationships with other people, it's completely unacceptable. She is in her late 40s. He is in his early 50s. But I agree with you. I would never date a guy who preferred to live with another woman (married or single) instead of live with me. I'd dump him because it's as you said, completely unacceptable behavior on the guy's part. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Are you in your 20s? I suppose sharing a house with a group of people is different. In any case, I'd never date someone who was sharing a house nor was roommates with a woman. JMO. For a grown man and woman to live with one another as "roommates" when they're in relationships with other people, it's completely unacceptable. I'm in my 30's. And where I live, having housemate is the rule, because housing is utterly unaffordable in London, so if you have a regular job that is not in finance, chances are you share a house. Obviously I know couples who live on their own, as they are "sharing" with each other, but when you first start dating, moving in together straight away just so that you're not sharing a house with other people doesn't seem like the best idea... She is in her late 40s. He is in his early 50s. But I agree with you. I would never date a guy who preferred to live with another woman (married or single) instead of live with me. I'd dump him because it's as you said, completely unacceptable behavior on the guy's part. With this I agree. A guy that, after a year and a half together would choose to go live with someone else (don't even care if it's a woman or a man) instead of coming to live with me would just be telling me our relationship has no future and that we should break up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I used to room with one of my good female friends. At the time I wasn't seeing anybody but did start dating during the living arrangement. I can tell you one thing, I never slept with her nor was their any inappropriate moment. My gf at the time didn't mind it either. But then again I was much younger than your bf. In my opinion living with the opposite gender while in a relationship is not a big deal, however, it does seem unnecessary esp at that age. As everyone has pointed out the issue is he doesn't want to live with you. Maybe he thinks the relationship is not ready for that, idk but it is something you two should discuss. Another important thing is how he negated your feelings. That is probably the most important to me. Regardless of whether your feelings are legitimate or not, its something that should be calmly discussed. Otherwise you will start bottling up your feelings in fear of him belittling them and that is never good for a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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