Could use some serious support! Did I do the right thing?

[zerbinetta]

Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum and this is my first post. I'll keep this as brief and to-the-point as possible.

 

I was in a seemingly serious relationship for the last almost 3 years. My (now ex) boyfriend was 15 years my senior and had never been engaged/married, but I took that at face value. He wined and dined me, and I was cautious and suspicious at first. Eventually I let my guard down and grew to love him. We talked about having some sort of future together, although it was always very vague.

 

There were several red flags that I chose to ignore. For starters, we never lived together and he made sure of that. He flat-out refused to give me a key to his place, had problems with me leaving my toothbrush out, and wouldn't keep a picture of me in his apartment. Also, every device of his was password protected, and whenever I used his computer, it was always on the guest setting. I chocked it up to eccentricities and privacy issues and trusted him nonetheless. Any time we would make plans, he would calendar me into his iphone, even if I was just coming over to hang out (he came to my apartment about 7 times over the course of our relationship; I'd schlep to his place 3-4 times a week).

 

He pressured me to have kids which wasn't doable for me, being in my 20s and he being in his 40s. It made me think that he was only into me for my fertility.

 

Anyway, just 2 weeks ago, I had a strange gut feeling. He was supposed to travel with me to see my family and extended family on the west coast for a huge birthday celebration. After him being his usual dodgy self (being reluctant to let me borrow his phone, putting me on his computer yet again as a guest), I decided I had to see for myself what was going on. Sure enough, there were threads of text messages to other girls, flirting, setting up dates, and calling them hot. He even referred to me as his "friend from California" in one of the conversations. I was so shocked and blind-sighted.... I had no idea what to do. I trusted this person, and after all the time we spent together, I had let my friendships dissipate. The prospect of leaving him and being alone and lonely in a big city was so scary and unfamiliar.

 

After mulling it over for a few days, I knew what I had to do. I wanted to leave him stone-cold and tell him I just wasn't satisfied anymore, but I was too angry to do that. I let him have it, told him I knew everything, and that he was a horrible person. At first he played dumb and tried to deny and gaslight, but eventually it all came out. He said that he had been seeing other people, claimed he "wasn't happy," and that we should take a break. He also used this classic line: "I didn't want to hurt your feelings." I don't think he was expecting me to find out; he was just trying any technique he could think of to keep our relationship going in some way. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. He was glib and shallow, and a total coward.

 

I deleted his number and all our texts. I got rid of photos and ripped up cards he had written to me. The night after I ended things, he texted me asking if I wanted something I had left at his apartment back. He then proceeded to say, "Also again, I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong." I didn't write back.

 

It's been 2 weeks and there has been no contact since those texts. This sounds wrong, but I'm kind of hurt that he hasn't tried to be in contact; he never fought for me. I know I did the right thing, but I feel lonely and sad. I have good moments and some extremely bad moments, and I walk around with sunglasses and waterproof mascara. I have very few friends and I don't want to burn anyone out. I'm posting on this forum because I just want confirmation that I did the right thing, and to gain some other opinions and perspectives. Support is always a good thing in tough times.

 

Why was he driven to cheat? What really irks me is that he was prepared to spend a weekend with my family, schmoozing with them and telling them how much he loved me, while cavorting behind my back. He looked me in the eye and lied to me. He said "I love you" over and over and over again. I broke my back to satisfy his every whim. I even mended his clothes and made his bed for him! I was duped and betrayed. Any light anyone can shed on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you so much for reading! <3

 

~Zerbie

[madman123]

Hey Zerbie. I can feel your pain there. Infidelity is one of the hardest things to deal with (see my recent post). The answer is that you will get no answers...the fact of the matter is that a cheater doesn't care how their actions affect their partner. If they did, they wouldn't cheat. In my experience it has been a matter of, as you said, "having the cake and eating it, too." It takes having a conscience to confess, and I believe that happens sometimes, but it seems most cheaters have no interest in exposing themselves.

 

As for him not contacting you after the fact, I have to say that it makes sense. Why would he want to have to face the pain and hurtfulness that you're going through? Yea, he caused it, but is obviously selfish...there is no perk for him to contact you.

 

It sucks feeling abandoned in light of a cheating partner. Being lonely, thinking about it all the FU<>KING time, not knowing what to do. I am currently going through the same thing. One thing that is helping me is reading other people's stories. This has been my first reply, and I plan to continue trying to sympathize with others. Get out of bed. Stay active. Time will heal.

[Winterina]

You did absolutely the best thing possible! Stay strong and every time that you want to get in touch - don't! If he contacts - ignore him.

As the time goes by things will get much easier until one day soon you realise, hey, I haven't felt this good in years! You will then know you have done the right thing, you will be so over him, you will be proud of yourself, and enjoy life to the full extent.

[Satu]

Stick to NC as if your life depends on it.

 

Do not let this liar have any presence in your life.

 

He's poison.

[kendahke]

Sweetie, don't drive yourself trying to figure out why he cheated. He cheated because he wanted to and he could. It's really that plain and simple. It had nothing to do with you. It totally has to do with the kind of person he is--a deceitful manipulator.

 

When a man compartmentalizes his life, it's usually so that he can keep his lies straight. You go into a box, someone else goes into another box and he never leaves anything out that doesn't belong in boxes.

 

He is used to living like this. He was never going to allow you full access to his life because that's not the kind of person he is. He treats women like cogs in a wheel. He wasn't going to fight for you because he hadn't let you in far enough into his sphere to make a fight worthwhile to him. People fight for what they're invested in.

 

On some level, he may have loved you, but the kind of love you require (and frankly, most people require) is one where you are allowed into all places of his intimacy and sphere. Given the choice, most people want transparency and honesty in their romantic relationships. He did everything in his power to avoid giving you that.

 

You have done the right thing by removing his contact information, but you need to go a step further and block him so he can't contact you. To not do that is to keep one tether attached to him and that feeds into false hope that he will miraculously turn into someone he's shown you he's not. You need to cut that tether so that you're completely free to move on, emotionally, physically and psychically.

[NoC]

Welcome to North Carolina, you did the right thing coming here. There are plenty of us are here to talk to if you ever feel like leaving this beautiful state. Don't even dare try to leave North Carolina. (see sig)