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Seems like she made her mark


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I've been seeing this guy for about 2 1/2 years. It's been on and off. We've broken up a few times and once during a time when we were broken up, he got a new girlfriend. He was very lovesick when they broke up but eventually we got back together.

 

I recently found out that he has been sleeping with some other woman (not the one he was lovesick over ) for close to a year. I found out that they slept together in numerous places including hotels(he takes business trips) and even his house!! At first I was ready to forgive him as everyone makes mistakes, but after finding out how many times he's slept with her I am hurt.

 

I spoke to her and it seems she knows a lot of his friends and colleagues. She told me about several arguments they'd had and even said they didn't speak at one point for a few months. That really bothered me because I felt if he didn't care, he wouldn't get in contact with her again. After speaking to her I can tell she does love him and didn't know anything about me.

 

Apparently they had a huge fight and stopped speaking altogether. She texted him one night and asked how has he been (weeks had passed). Since the cat was out of the bag about their affair I took it upon myself to text her from my phone and tell her never to text him again. She insulted me and told me that I am only convenient to him.

 

Since then he has stated that he doesn't want her and has even told her that. She hasn't been speaking to him or texting. She deleted him from all of her social media and blocked me as well. A mutual friend told me that he's since been trying to make conversation with her. Supposedly she never responds or is very short. I even heard he gives her compliments to make conversation. I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't witness it one night at a club. I saw him telling her she looks nice and she only said "thank you". He was even trying to joke around with her and flirt. I also saw him try to purposely step over her as she was sitting on a staircase.

 

I think that perhaps he unintentionally developed feelings for her and cannot admit it. I honestly think he likes her more than he can admit. Maybe he's fighting his feelings for her and eventually he will have to face them. Either way I really am afraid she's left her mark on him.

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I can't give you advice about him & her.

 

I can give you advice about you & him. There's nothing there any more. Walk away.

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I can't give you advice about him & her.

 

I can give you advice about you & him. There's nothing there any more. Walk away.

 

So why is he still with me ??

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Lernaean_Hydra
So why is he still with me ??

 

Because you're convenient. Even the OW told you the answer to that. Why on earth would you still stay with this guy after all he's done???

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So why is he still with me ??

 

He's not with you. You're the backburner girl that's always there no matter what he does.

 

Why have you tolerated being treated so poorly?

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He's not with you. You're the backburner girl that's always there no matter what he does.

 

Why have you tolerated being treated so poorly?

 

I've never considered myself as a "backburner" girl I've been around his family plenty of times and at events with him so it isn't like he hides me .

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I've never considered myself as a "backburner" girl I've been around his family plenty of times and at events with him so it isn't like he hides me .

 

Backburner girl has nothing to do with being hidden. Backburner girl means the option, never the priority.

 

You can be the girl he takes to see his parents, hang out with his friends and still be the girl he gets to have all the benefits with minus the commitment. On and off for 2 years means he comes back to the "option" when nothing else is going on for him (because he knows you'll always be sitting on the backburner) or if he feels he can juggle a couple of "options" at a time, he'll do it (because he knows you'll still be sitting on the backburner).

Edited by Zahara
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Backburner girl has nothing to do with being hidden. Backburner girl means the option, never the priority.

 

You can be the girl he takes to see his parents, hang out with his friends and still be the girl he gets to have all the benefits with minus the commitment. On and off for 2 years means he comes back to the "option" when nothing else is going on for him (because he knows you'll always be sitting on the backburner) or if he feels he can juggle a couple of "options" at a time, he'll do it (because he knows you'll still be sitting on the backburner).

 

 

 

But wouldn't u say the fact that his family knows nothing of her versus knowing of us would mean that he valued me in some

Way vs not caring about her at all that's why I was confused as to why he's trying to pursue conversation with her and That's why I was saying I don't get why he tries to even contact her

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But wouldn't u say the fact that his family knows nothing of her versus knowing of us would mean that he valued me in some

Way

 

Goodness. You define that as him treating you with value? That little sliver of nothing? He's been on and off with you for 2 years. He left you for another woman, that left him heartbroken. He then was sleeping with another woman for a whole year without you knowing it. He's starting to reach out to her again and even flirt when he knows it hurts you. Just because his family knows about you it means value? My ex was cheating on me and I was close to his family. It means nothing.

 

I don't get why he tries to even contact her

 

He is trying to contact her because 1) she is not letting him in and it's probably a challenge 2) he's hoping to rekindle what he had with her 3) he wants her attention.

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Goodness. You define that as him treating you with value? That little sliver of nothing? He's been on and off with you for 2 years. He left you for another woman, that left him heartbroken. He then was sleeping with another woman for a whole year without you knowing it. He's starting to reach out to her again and even flirt when he knows it hurts you. Just because his family knows about you it means value? My ex was cheating on me and I was close to his family. It means nothing.

 

 

 

He is trying to contact her because 1) she is not letting him in and it's probably a challenge 2) he's hoping to rekindle what he had with her 3) he wants her attention.

 

 

I completely get what you're to trying to say. A lot of Ppl say that he does it because he wants her attention. That confused me because why would u want someone's attention because I didn't know if he just seeked attention or really had feelings for this girl

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I completely get what you're to trying to say. A lot of Ppl say that he does it because he wants her attention. That confused me because why would u want someone's attention because I didn't know if he just seeked attention or really had feelings for this girl

 

What does it matter whether he has feelings for HER or not?

 

The fact is that he treats you like an option. He treats you poorly. He disrespects you. You're focusing on what's irrelevant. He may have no feelings for her. Does he have for you? I don't think he has an emotional attachment to you other than one of comfort and convenience.

 

He doesn't treat you any better than he treats her. You're in no better position than she is. You both are in the same boat, the only difference is she isn't being as bad a doormat as you are.

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What does it matter whether he has feelings for HER or not?

 

The fact is that he treats you like an option. He treats you poorly. He disrespects you. You're focusing on what's irrelevant. He may have no feelings for her. Does he have for you? I don't think he has an emotional attachment to you other than one of comfort and convenience.

 

He doesn't treat you any better than he treats her. You're in no better position than she is. You both are in the same boat, the only difference is she isn't being as bad a doormat as you are.

 

 

 

But what guy would waste years on someone he doesn't care about. Or what guy would seeks someone's attention if he doesn't care about them. That is what you aren't making clear

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But what guy would waste years on someone he doesn't care about. Or what guy would seeks someone's attention if he doesn't care about them. That is what you aren't making clear

 

It's not uncommon. There are guys that can drag you through year after year without commitment because you are a benefit. It's not "wasting years" for them because they get what they want without having to invest any effort and commitment. It's a waste for YOU because you get nothing in return but a guy that bounces in and out of your life.

 

I don't know if you are naive and young or just in complete denial.

 

A man doesn't have to love you or care for you to want attention. They can enjoy attention without having any emotional attachment. They can like you, have sex with you, enjoy fun times with you and that doesn't mean they care and love you. They can compartmentalize. They can separate the two. And a guy like him, is only looking out for one person -- himself.

Edited by Zahara
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But what guy would waste years on someone he doesn't care about. Or what guy would seeks someone's attention if he doesn't care about them. That is what you aren't making clear

 

There are plenty of guys (and girls) who'd happily give their attention to people they do not care for; if only to get something from such a person. That is what people who manipulate, and use people do.

 

Frankly, why tolerate it? Aren't you a living being? Treat yourself better than he treats you. He treats you badly, but you are doing a great disservice to yourself by clinging to this....guy. doesn't matter the quaint little things he does for you. Him introducing you to his family, all this, is meaningless at this point.

 

Hell, this isn't even about him anymore. It's about you. So, kelzbrent, how are you going to treat kelzbrent?

 

Stop being his doormat. Get rid of him. You can do much better. This is not love in any shape or form.

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Is the cheater feeding all these points to you like "why would I do ____ if I didn't care?"

 

Cheaters lie. He's lied and continues to lie to you.

And you need to do some simple, rational sums.

Deduct the 1 year he was in an affair with both you and the other woman. You were both his affairs. Plus any other women you KNOW about. Then all your break up time.

 

You may come up with a few hours, days or weeks that he was actually "with you". Heck in that short time he may have been lining up his next victim. Who knows? He does. You don't.

 

You may have been in this relationship for 2 years but no way has HE been!

 

You are indeed fantasising about this relationship. You need to know it wasn't what you thought.

 

You are a faithful, kind and forgiving person. But you are no door mat. You're a human being, face up to the truths coming out. Accept them. Know you're better than this and move on. Nc the lot.

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But what guy would waste years on someone he doesn't care about. Or what guy would seeks someone's attention if he doesn't care about them. That is what you aren't making clear

 

It's actually really common to spend years with a person that you have no intention of committing to. Heck, it happened to me. It's happened to so many people I know. People that do this are using you for companionship, sex, ego boost, whatever else, but they will jump ship once something better comes along. They know that you are more into the relationship than them, so it's comfortable and a sure bet for them. They stay because it's easy. That's not in any way uncommon.

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I really dont understand why two women have to fight with each other for this piece of worthless sh*t.

 

If you're a person with self-esteem, love and respect for yourself, cutting off this guy for good is the ONLY way!

 

I don't have respect for people who cheat. I even have less respect for people to let the cheaters run over them like dust.

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He's with you because you give him some combination of sex, companionship & an ego boost. You are also convenient.

 

 

His heart longs for her. You are second best. If you are OK with that, that's your business. I wouldn't be.

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Yes see this is what I don't understand. It isn't like she hasn't reached out before to him. I mentioned she texted and we BOTH told her basically to get lost. So why I go after her after all of that.

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Yes see this is what I don't understand. It isn't like she has hasn't reached out before to him. I mentioned she texted and we BOTH told her basically to get lost. So why I go after her after all of that.

 

I meant why would HE go after her after all of that. It's a crazy story. The reason they aren't speaking is because basically she got blamed for spilling their affair to me when in fact she didn't. I found out on my own, she didn't know me. Then i contacted her after the fact to clarify, But he thinks she's the one who told me therefore he blew up on her. This is why I said he doesn't not care about her because why would he get mad at her for "telling me" if he cares about her more anyway. This is why I don't understand why he's trying to contact her again.

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Does it really matter WHY he's trying to contact her? The fact remains, he IS trying to contact her.

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I've never considered myself as a "backburner" girl I've been around his family plenty of times and at events with him so it isn't like he hides me .

 

He also didn't hide the woman he'd been sleeping with while with you, either. He brought her around his family, too.

 

His sites are not exclusively locked on you. Take note of that and act accordingly.

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This is why I said he doesn't not care about her because why would he get mad at her for "telling me" if he cares about her more anyway. .

 

But he doesn't care for you either.

 

Focusing on every other silly detail helps you avoid focusing on YOU and why you have allowed yourself to be treated so poorly.

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