Brookie16 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and I am pregnant with our second child. He is my first real boyfriend and only guy I have ever had sex with. I thought our relationship was close to prefect till he told me he cheated on. I'm trying to make things work because I am pregnant with his second child if I wanst having another baby I don't think I would stay. With my hormones I stil have strong sex drive and want to have sex all the time. He never wants to have sex anymore which makes it way harder to stay with him. I feel he doesn't want me anymore even Though he says he does want me. He has just been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and blames his lack of a sex drive on that. Is this the real reason he doesn't want to have sex with me? Now that he cheated on me I have the strong urge to explore my sexuality and have sex with a different person but I am about to have a baby and he's a really good father. Should I wait to see if my feelings change after I have my baby or should I leave him now? Will I ever get over the fact he cheated on me and be able to trust me again? Should I ask for a break after I have the baby to explore my sexuality or would that make things worse with our relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Leave him now and don't look back. There are plenty of nicer men out there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brookie16 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 It's really hard though because I'm due anyday now and he is an amazing father to our daughter but I just still can't get over that fact he cheated it was just once and was drunk but I feel like I'm never gonna get over it and he been dealing with depression so he hasn't really been paying attention to my feelings lately but I'm thinking about my kids by leaving him they won't have their father in their life as much and my daughter is so close to him Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 It's really hard though because I'm due anyday now and he is an amazing father to our daughter but I just still can't get over that fact he cheated it was just once and was drunk but I feel like I'm never gonna get over it and he been dealing with depression so he hasn't really been paying attention to my feelings lately but I'm thinking about my kids by leaving him they won't have their father in their life as much and my daughter is so close to him That's too much to think about just now. Forget everything but the birth and the baby, for now. If he's present at the birth let him be there for you and the baby. The fact that you're so close to giving birth means that that's all you should be focusing on. I hope it all goes well. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brookie16 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) That's too much to think about just now. Forget everything but the birth and the baby, for now. If he's present at the birth let him be there for you and the baby. The fact that you're so close to giving birth means that that's all you should be focusing on. I hope it all goes well. Thank you , Yes I know I am focusing on the baby and yes he is gonna be there for me when I give birth, it's just hard not to think about it when he just told me this. he doesn't feel like the same person to me anymore, but I still want him to be there for me and the baby and that's what he wants to. I just wished this wasn't something that had to happen so close to giving birth I kinda wish he would of waited till after I had baby to tell me this, I think I would be handling it better if I has the baby already, what makes me mad is he cheated 3 months ago and had to just tell me now, not a good time at all Edited January 12, 2015 by Brookie16 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Sorry to say this, but if he cheated on you it isn't his sex drive that's a problem, it's that he has lost interest in sex with you. He tells you otherwise simply to placate your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I don't envy you. I was eight months pregnant when I found out about my husband. Your feelings will be everywhere. And thinking about sex and breaking up and baby blues can really loom large. One thing I caution you on is it actually make it harder for me to bond with my baby. The hit to my self-esteem and insecurities almost made me feel like I wasn't important in my family at all. And that included being a Mom. Some days the trauma made me feel like I couldn't be fully present and then I felt like an even worse mother. I felt crushing guilt that my baby had me as a Mom. Partly because I felt as though I failed to provide her with a quality Dad. I don't know how old you are. I was young to be dealing with those kinds of pressures. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brookie16 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I don't envy you. I was eight months pregnant when I found out about my husband. Your feelings will be everywhere. And thinking about sex and breaking up and baby blues can really loom large. One thing I caution you on is it actually make it harder for me to bond with my baby. The hit to my self-esteem and insecurities almost made me feel like I wasn't important in my family at all. And that included being a Mom. Some days the trauma made me feel like I couldn't be fully present and then I felt like an even worse mother. I felt crushing guilt that my baby had me as a Mom. Partly because I felt as though I failed to provide her with a quality Dad. I don't know how old you are. I was young to be dealing with those kinds of pressures. Yes I'm young too I'm 21 and we have already have a 4 year old daughter, I try not to get to emotional in front of her But already she know why I'm crying she asks if it's daddy and tell her no I'm just a little sad today. Did you stay with your husband after you found out or leave him? I'm sorry to hear that you had trouble bonding with your baby. I'm hoping my feelings wont interfere with how I am as a mother but I know it will be very hard. If you are still with your husband dosa those feeling ever go away or if you left did things get better Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Sorry to say this, but if he cheated on you it isn't his sex drive that's a problem, it's that he has lost interest in sex with you. He tells you otherwise simply to placate your feelings. This. I think he's trying to soften the blow. He obviously has a sex drive or he wouldn't have been able to sleep with someone else. OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have family and good friends nearby who can help you? Your boyfriend sucks. And he's not being an amazing father. An amazing father would not so cruelly hurt his kids' mother and force them to be a witness to her pain. For now, focus on a healthy birth and bringing happiness to your new baby. But I would consider the relationship with your boyfriend effectively over. He betrayed you in the worst way and clearly doesn't love you very much. He's a complete jackass. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 If he's a great dad he'll be a great part-time dad too. You think he has no sex drive? I promise you he has, only that he's living it out with other women behind your back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brookie16 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 This. I think he's trying to soften the blow. He obviously has a sex drive or he wouldn't have been able to sleep with someone else. OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have family and good friends nearby who can help you? Your boyfriend sucks. And he's not being an amazing father. An amazing father would not so cruelly hurt his kids' mother and force them to be a witness to her pain. For now, focus on a healthy birth and bringing happiness to your new baby. But I would consider the relationship with your boyfriend effectively over. He betrayed you in the worst way and clearly doesn't love you very much. He's a complete jackass. Yes I'm trying to focus on baby and I know I will do good. I know he's a jackass but thier so much going on right now it's hard, When he actually cheated which was 3 months ago but just told me recently he still had sex with me all the time but since he told me he cheated he hasn't seemed that interested like have no clue why I still want to even sex is beyond me but he almost starts crying and I comforted him about it because I told me you cheated on me and now don't want to have sex you must not want me anymore and he said it's his anxiety gets to bad he crying every night and has horrible anxiety and depression the day after he told me he cheated he went to seek help and they gave him antidepressants and pills for anxiety and he talk to a therapist every week now so I'm wondering if it's something he did because he was drunk and depressed and they didn't have intercourse either because he couldn't get it up whiskey dick or he knew it was wrong not sure but they stopped before they had actual sex Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Sexless marriage with a cheater... Hmmm. No. Sounds awful. You can do better, believe me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Yes I'm trying to focus on baby and I know I will do good. I know he's a jackass but thier so much going on right now it's hard, When he actually cheated which was 3 months ago but just told me recently he still had sex with me all the time but since he told me he cheated he hasn't seemed that interested like have no clue why I still want to even sex is beyond me but he almost starts crying and I comforted him about it because I told me you cheated on me and now don't want to have sex you must not want me anymore and he said it's his anxiety gets to bad he crying every night and has horrible anxiety and depression the day after he told me he cheated he went to seek help and they gave him antidepressants and pills for anxiety and he talk to a therapist every week now so I'm wondering if it's something he did because he was drunk and depressed and they didn't have intercourse either because he couldn't get it up whiskey dick or he knew it was wrong not sure but they stopped before they had actual sex Oh honey, this is a*s-backwards: he cheated on you, and you are comforting him? It should be the other way around, and I hope you realize this. He's an ass. I understand you're trying to find reasons why he did this. I know it's very hurtful. But alcohol and depression simply don't cut it. That isn't why. I would also be extremely wary of his version of events. Cheaters are prone to telling you the half-truth, so take his account with a grain of salt. Out of curiosity, how did this all come out? Why did he decide to come clearn now, 3 months after the fact? Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) I dont understand why woman are totally unable to realize a man can still be father to her children without her giving up her happiness. And when people want to stay together for the children it has never been a valid reason in my mind, all you need to be is parents being romantically involved or trying to be when its lost offers them nothing its an excuse used time and time again. If this man is a good father like you say he will remain so even if you're not romantically involved why should you give up your happiness just to you can have the tv perfect family on the outside when its going to be so wrong on the inside? Edited January 12, 2015 by Omei 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and I am pregnant with our second child. He is my first real boyfriend and only guy I have ever had sex with. I thought our relationship was close to prefect till he told me he cheated on. I'm trying to make things work because I am pregnant with his second child if I wanst having another baby I don't think I would stay. With my hormones I stil have strong sex drive and want to have sex all the time. He never wants to have sex anymore which makes it way harder to stay with him. I feel he doesn't want me anymore even Though he says he does want me. He has just been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and blames his lack of a sex drive on that. Is this the real reason he doesn't want to have sex with me? Now that he cheated on me I have the strong urge to explore my sexuality and have sex with a different person but I am about to have a baby and he's a really good father. Should I wait to see if my feelings change after I have my baby or should I leave him now? Will I ever get over the fact he cheated on me and be able to trust me again? Should I ask for a break after I have the baby to explore my sexuality or would that make things worse with our relationship? Having one child at 21 is a huge challenge, let alone having two. Maybe it is just me but I would be wondering how I was going to be take care of them financially and physically, and all that goes along with that. To find out that your bf of 5 years and have two kids with just cheated would knock most people off their feet. I don't know if it is a coping mechanism or what but to be focused on your sexuality in spite of the other two raging problems you are facing comes across as a bit odd. And as to one of your questions about him not wanting to have sex with you. Most men don't like having sex with women in the later term of their pregnancies. Just not a turn on. Link to post Share on other sites
angiefly Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 It's not that pregnancy is a turn off, in fact I have male friends that find pregnancy absolutely beautiful and sexy. I think lack of sex can also be from fear of hurting her or the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brookie16 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Having one child at 21 is a huge challenge, let alone having two. Maybe it is just me but I would be wondering how I was going to be take care of them financially and physically, and all that goes along with that. To find out that your bf of 5 years and have two kids with just cheated would knock most people off their feet. I don't know if it is a coping mechanism or what but to be focused on your sexuality in spite of the other two raging problems you are facing comes across as a bit odd. And as to one of your questions about him not wanting to have sex with you. Most men don't like having sex with women in the later term of their pregnancies. Just not a turn on. Yea of course I'm thinking about that more than just my sexuality, my children come first I didn't mean I'm gonna go looking for a man and whore around right after I have my baby I'm just trying to figure everything out I have of emotions going on right now and yes I was venting about my sex life bit that's not my first priority. the only reason I'm still with him is for my babies, but the truth is about money I have the only one paying bills lately with my student sponsorship for the last few months because he got layed off but I had to drop out of school to have the baby because my school told me if even missed a week I would have to come back next year and finish that part.but he just found a new job and he wants to be there for us. But I have always been responsible and I know I can I could do it all without him I just don't know if it's what I want, my daughter is close to him and he wants to me there is just he ruined everything I felt for him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brookie16 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 It's not that pregnancy is a turn off, in fact I have male friends that find pregnancy absolutely beautiful and sexy. I think lack of sex can also be from fear of hurting her or the baby. When I was pregnant with our first child he always wanted to have sex and I actually didn't ever want to and he would call me beautiful and said he loves my belly and was turned on by it .. It just hurts that me now that this time he never wants to have sex now after he told me he cheated. I think the big reason why I keep thinking about sex with someone else is because I just wish he could feel the hurt I feel, Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Yea of course I'm thinking about that more than just my sexuality, my children come first I didn't mean I'm gonna go looking for a man and whore around right after I have my baby I'm just trying to figure everything out I have of emotions going on right now and yes I was venting about my sex life bit that's not my first priority. the only reason I'm still with him is for my babies, but the truth is about money I have the only one paying bills lately with my student sponsorship for the last few months because he got layed off but I had to drop out of school to have the baby because my school told me if even missed a week I would have to come back next year and finish that part.but he just found a new job and he wants to be there for us. But I have always been responsible and I know I can I could do it all without him I just don't know if it's what I want, my daughter is close to him and he wants to me there is just he ruined everything I felt for him Tell the whole story. Link to post Share on other sites
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