Wife had an affair with a married man before I knew her

[Triathlons]

About a month before we got married my wife confessed to me that she had been the mistress of her financial planner before I knew her. The guy told her he was getting divorced, but she found out that it was bulls@#$. He was commuting to Phoenix from LA to work while he was seeing her, but when his wife demanded that they move together to Phoenix, he broke off the affair in fear of getting caught. I asked her if she was still in contact with him and she said nonchalantly that they remained friends, but strictly platonic. She had always mentioned her friend, Rich, and I put two and two together. I told her that she was to break all contact with him or I was gone. She did. But it still bothers me greatly that 1. She did it in the first place, how does one ever fully trust an adulterer? (My first wife cheated on me when I was deployed overseas in the military) And 2. She was still talking with him "platonically" while we dated for 2 years. I felt deceived. She doesn't know that i found out that he called her up drunk one night and asked if they could get together one last time before we got married. She refused, but the "friendship" continued. She assured me it was over and that she has had no contact with him, and she felt he had been a friend, only, and that due to her "daddy issues" (and she has them) it was hard for her to cut him totally out of her life. I told her that he is a scum bag player who capitalized on an opportunity to f@#$ her then ran for the hills when his wife got suspicious. Unfortunately this issue comes up a couple of times a year (we've been married now 4 years) and I just lose it. How do I forgive, forget and move on? I love her, but there are times that I want to leave her because of it.

[evanescentworld]

If I were your wife, I'd leave YOU.

 

How can you sit there in judgement over something that happened before you even knew her, is beyond me. What gives you that entitlement?

 

Really, you need counselling because this jealousy, resentment and outright hostility is unhealthy, and totally YOUR problem, not hers.

 

We all do dumb things once in a while.

Seems like a good idea at the time. later, not so much.

She acted under the impression of lies he told her.

 

Kerrist, I could understand your animosity if she was cheating on you, now, or even before you were married - but this is HISTORY!!

 

My H probably casually slept with nearly 100 partners in the years before I met him.

He also has been married before, and the 2nd wife cheated on him. But he still talks to her, and gets on OK with her!

 

Get counselling. You need it.

[evanescentworld]

I've just noticed your 2010 posts. Two threads you never came back to, and ever responded to.

Two threads about a woman with a disastrous past.

 

Tell me, are you going to give more input here, or cut and run, as before?

 

I think you have some severe issues to deal with, because your anger and resentment at the past issues other women have, are a severe hindrance to you.

I realise the old 2010 ex had some serious problems, but I can't help feeling that rather than trying to help, support guide and love a woman, in spite of her past, once you know there is some imperfection in their psyche, you can't deal with it.

 

You really do need to deal with it.

[Triathlons]

It's not about the affair. It's about the fact that she continued to take his calls, accept his attempts at getting her to cheat on me as simply "boys will be boys", and hadn't been up front with me about who her friend, Rich, really was. There is no way his wife or children would be OK with it either. And BTW, though harsh (she should leave ME?) I agree with you that this problem is mine. If I was convinced that she truly was the problem, I would divorce her, hence my asking the forum how do I forgive, forget ...

[Triathlons]

Evanescent,

Just a little more background, if you please. After my first wife cheated on me, she made herself fully available to her "lover". Guess what, he ran as fast as he could. But because of it, I don't get to raise my kids on a daily basis. Some guy wanted some free pu$$+ and destroyed a marriage and family. My ex fiance from 2009 ... Same thing. He dumped her 2 weeks later. Having any compassion for these predators might sound noble, until it happens to you.

[evanescentworld]

First of all, do you really want to? (forgive and forget, that is....)

 

Women look at relationships in different ways.

I am convinced platonic relationships can exist. I have one, myself, but sadly, (and it's a paradox) an awful lot of men look upon a platonic relationship as an unrequited desire for sex.

Either as observers and critics, or because they are in one, themselves.

For men, it's more often than not about possible sex.

 

This is why so many women enjoy relationships with gay men.

No pressure, no hassle, real friendship for friendship's sake.

 

I am utterly convinced your wife is totally relaxed about being friends with him, entirely because she knows there's no sex, just buddies.

He may well consider it differently, but she has no intention of doing anything with him.

 

You have to ask yourself whether you are ok with being ok with this.

Will Counselling help?

Do you aim to shed these feelings, or does she have to do things to make YOU feel better, because YOU are demanding she does?

 

Is it a threat, or are you feeling threatened, and if so, why?

Do you not trust your wife enough to say no and mean it?

 

That's what it boils down to.

You Trusting her.

[Mint Sauce]

Obviously you're vulnerable because of your past as a betrayed husband. I assume your current wife knows about that, and I would expect her to be understanding of that, as that is what loving partners do. Consequently, her breaking all contact with "Rich" was the right thing to do. And it appears she sticks to that? Any evidence of them communicating in the past 4 years?

 

Did your wife deal with her issues in a constructive way? Did she take up councelling for example, after her spell as an OW? Does she accept her past behaviour as being "dumb" (as formulated by evanescentworld)?

 

From the general tone of your post, I do think you have reasons for concern, but these must not necessarily lead to divorce.

[Triathlons]

There is nothing I want more than to forget about it and be OK with her past. Am I threatened? You bet. I lost two relationships (the 2009 woman was the true love of my life at that point) because of guys like him. That's what makes trust difficult. And before you accuse me of discounting my part in the break ups, I'm not. Of course I wasn't perfect, if I was they wouldn't have felt the need to cheat. But whatever my shortcomings, they weren't unfaithfulness.

[Mint Sauce]

That's what it boils down to.

You Trusting her.

 

Yes, that's what it boils down to, but it's not his problem. It's on her. She has the poor track record and there is no indication that she sees the error of her ways.

 

Or are you the type that sees nothing wrong in being an OW? Her ex-APs promises of divorce are mitigating circumstances, but they don't absolve her.

[Triathlons]

Mint,

No evidence that they are communicating. She did tell me she was in counselling, but I never asked specifically for what.

[evanescentworld]

Yes, that's what it boils down to, but it's not his problem. It's on her. She has the poor track record and there is no indication that she sees the error of her ways.

 

Or are you the type that sees nothing wrong in being an OW? Her ex-APs promises of divorce are mitigating circumstances, but they don't absolve her.

 

I realise there's plenty wrong in being an OW/OM.

But this entire situation happened way before he knew her.

And there is as much wrong in this case - with his holding her up to judgement and feeling so strongly about it.

As I said, circumstances in the past, beyond acquaintance, are circumstances of the past.

He needs counselling because this type of attitude isn't healthy.

Letting go, in a healthy way, is what counts.

 

And really, the past should remain past.

To keep hauling it into the present and using it as a beating stick (both on his wife and himself) needs attention.

[JS84]

Maybe you're going after the wrong type of women???

[Mint Sauce]

She did tell me she was in counselling, but I never asked specifically for what.

 

Maybe you're too kind for your own good. I understand you not wanting to hurt her, and wanting to respect the privacy of her past, but at some point you have to defend your own interests, especially if you've been burnt twice before. I would have asked her what she was in counseling for...

[elaine567]

You have a lot of anger built up there from past relationships, and the fact your wife was an OW at one time is a huge trigger for you.

That is understandable, but she was honest with you prior to your marriage.

If you have problems dealing with her revelation, then perhaps before the marriage may have been the time to sort that out.

Punishing yourself by repeatedly going over this on your mind is not good, neither is punishing her for her past.

 

how does one ever fully trust an adulterer?

- that is the big question here, and if you truly cannot, even after therapy, then you have to walk away.

She doesn't deserve to be periodically hauled over the coals by you for her past, whether you do that to her face or you build up resentment. It will cause a big crack in your marriage.

The past is the past, she cannot change it, it happened. She has cut him out of her life and it is still not good enough for you. She cannot spend her life in penance for her mistake. If you force her to, she will leave or stay wiuth you and be totally miserable.

Is that what you want?

Is punishing her some recompense for the hurt you suffered previously?

Is that fair?

The only thing that can change here is you.

[Friskyone4u]

You have every reason to be concerned . First is your history of being cheated on. Second and just as important is the fact that your wife continued a relationship with a man trying to get in her pants without telling you . And some here suggest that is fine and you are bring overly controlling. Bull **** !!!

This forum is filled with infidelity stories of so called "platonic" friends of the opposite sex that wind up in bed. Married women or men do not need to be going out socially with members of the opposite sex on a regular basis without their spouses. I would like to see some literature that recommends that for a faithful marriage.

Does your wife have any other male friends that you do not know are trying to bang her. Why would you not wonder. She saw nothing wrong with keeping that little secret before. If it was so innocent and platonic why did she not share it.

You know why. Because it was inappropriate.

[Thicke2013]

I realise there's plenty wrong in being an OW/OM.

But this entire situation happened way before he knew her.

And there is as much wrong in this case - with his holding her up to judgement and feeling so strongly about it.

As I said, circumstances in the past, beyond acquaintance, are circumstances of the past.

He needs counseling because this type of attitude isn't healthy.

Letting go, in a healthy way, is what counts.

 

And really, the past should remain past.

To keep hauling it into the present and using it as a beating stick (both on his wife and himself) needs attention.

 

I take his post and his questions a different way. I don't see the OP as judgmental or hypocritical in any way. I see him as concerned. He didn't call her a bad person for making mistakes in her past and he didn't claim to be perfect himself. He is simply afraid of being hurt again. Is he supposed to turn a blind eye to what happened in his past simply because what she did was before him? He should be compassionate towards his wife's past as she should his. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior but yes we all make mistakes and people can and do change. He is here seeking advice on an issue that obviously is a tough one for him and I feel you are being just as judgmental about him regarding his real reasons for asking. He has a right to his feelings.

 

OP, I can relate with you on this. I have been married once and my fiance' twice before. She had a promiscuous time in her late twenties and early thirties when her and her first husband divorced. I too had a problem accepting that type of behavior. She hadn't wronged me but I wanted to make sure that wasn't what she was looking for now. What I did (this may not work for everyone but it has for me) was get to know her where she is right now. I am not the same person I was 15 years ago and neither is she. I asked a lot of questions about who she was back then and why she felt she did sleep around. What I found out was that she also had daddy issues. Really issues with just men in general. Her father is bi-polar and was abusive growing up. Her first husband cheated on her and was verbally abusive. She associated men with hurt therefore she used men for sex only, basically so she didn't get attached and therefore risk getting hurt again herself. It was a defense mechanism that allowed her to control the situation. I realized that she wasn't the same woman back then that I know now. I was also honest when she and I started dating that I had some issues with this and had a hard time accepting. I did realize that they were my issues because it was in her past and not present however she has been very open and honest about why she did the things she did and her mindset then. It has worked wonders for us and has actually led to us being even closer. I would suggest you be honest with your wife about these things but ensure that she knows that you are bringing it up not to condemn her but in an effort to resolve this for you. Once you understand where her mind was then, you will probably find that she learned a great deal about herself during that time as most of us do when we go through hardships. Always remember, OUR pasts make us who we are today. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Good luck OP.

[elaine567]

Unfortunately this issue comes up a couple of times a year (we've been married now 4 years) and I just lose it. How do I forgive, forget and move on? I love her, but there are times that I want to leave her because of it.

 

I take his post and his questions a different way. I don't see the OP as judgmental or hypocritical in any way. I see him as concerned. He didn't call her a bad person for making mistakes in her past and he didn't claim to be perfect himself. He is simply afraid of being hurt again. Is he supposed to turn a blind eye to what happened in his past simply because what she did was before him? He should be compassionate towards his wife's past as she should his. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior but yes we all make mistakes and people can and do change. He is here seeking advice on an issue that obviously is a tough one for him and I feel you are being just as judgmental about him regarding his real reasons for asking. He has a right to his feelings.

 

"I just lose it" sounds pretty judgemental to me and I would guess this sporadic shaming is cracking his marriage wide open.

[TouchedByViolet]

You can't trust an OW's story about an affair. They will selectively tell you only things they want and often tell the story to make themselves seem innocent/victim. It is often not the case. Her contact with the man post ending the affair says volumes about her integrity. Red flag

[Triathlons]

A little more background. My wife had been married before. Her first marriage ended because (among other things) her husband got busted for DUI/cocaine possession after having run up a $20,000 bill at a brothel. She said she had not dated nor even been asked out in 5 years before Rich lied to get her in to bed (and possibly secure her account). She said she felt "wanted" for the first time in a half decade. Those feelings I can understand. What I couldn't understand is that after a few months, when she found out that he wasn't getting a divorce and chose to remain with his wife, she would want to remain friends.

 

However, when her dad recently died I really got the full story of a father that paid little to no attention to her (her parents were divorced) and did no father/daughter things with her until she was in her late 20's.

 

I went to therapy to learn how to live with all of this, after all, I got married fully aware of her past. She says it wss a huge mistake which she regrets. But why maintain the friendship? The psych told me I could certainly leave a woman who has made some very serous errors in judgment and go find someone without a past (she laughed and said good luck with that) or believe that my wife truly loves me, didn't have to tell me because it's doubtful I would have ever found out, and could have taken him up on his offer for a booty call which I wouldn't have known about.

 

The man is a snake. And snakes ruined two previous relationships. Thus my trepidation.

[Try]

The psych told me I could certainly leave a woman who has made some very serous errors in judgment and go find someone without a past (she laughed and said good luck with that) or believe that my wife truly loves me, didn't have to tell me because it's doubtful I would have ever found out, and could have taken him up on his offer for a booty call which I wouldn't have known about.

Your wife lied to you by omission when she did not tell you the true nature of her relationship with her affair partner (AP) until just before your marriage, when you were emotionally already in too deep. Your wife also lied to you by omission when she did not tell you that her AP was trying to get into her pants while she was falsely representing him to you as just a platonic friend; platonic friends do not ask you for sex. She has deceived you about her AP because she knew that once you knew the truth, you would ask her to end all contact with her AP, which is something she did not want to do. You ask why she wanted to keep her AP as a friend. The answer is that she was and may still be in love with him, and would be married to him right now instead of you if her AP had wanted to marry her. Your psych telling you that even though your wife deceived you, that this is OK because your wife could have continued to deceive you and could have had sex with her AP when he asked, makes me concerned about the quality of your psych's training in couples therapy.

[Rainbowlove]

I think the problem is she lied or omitted the truth about who her friend Rich was to her.

 

Why did she leave that information out? Because she knew hubby wouldn't like it and ask her to end the relationship.

 

Being lied to is the issue. I'm with the OP here. I think it's a big lie too. Just my 2 pennies.

 

With that said, how do you let go, move forward and trust her again?

 

That's what you need to figure out.

[Quiet Storm]

The lying and omissions would bother me.

 

Regardless of it being the past, participating in an affair is still a reflection of her character. She admits she has daddy issues, and I hope she received counseling for that. Otherwise, she could continue this pattern and seek attention from unavailable men. She could also have trouble disappointing men and telling them "no". These issues can be resolved, but usually help is needed. She should to be able to recognize her weak spots due to her issues, and have strong boundaries to avoid getting into situations where she may be weak. The platonic friendship was not good boundaries. Her top priority in interactions with men needs to be respecting & protecting her marriage. If she still falls into "little girl" mode and gets flattered by the attention and feels the need to please, she's hasn't dealt with her daddy issues.

 

I think your concerns are understandable. The problem is that you can't change her past, and if you choose to stay with her, then you should forgive her or at least work together to get to that point. If you are unable to forgive, then she is just not compatible for you.

[Clay]

I feel for you OP. I have read over what you said several times and I keep coming back to I just don't see how this will turn out well for you. I could be wrong. I know I am biased. I was cheated on by three different women in my life. The last one I was married to for ten years. She put me threw hell.

 

I hope things work out for you but I just think these things are to big to just ignore.

 

Sorry.

 

Clay

[Spectre]

The people who immediately jumped on this guy and said she should leave him just astound me. First of all, if the current wife KNEW this guy had been cheated on in the past she should of told him that she too was guilty of something like that. I can't 100% say it was something he was owed, but at the same time I feel like..well, I'd sure as hell want to know.

 

But all of that is moot, the major problem is that she kept up a friendship with this man even while with the OP. People will say the past is the past, fine, then it should STAY in the past, but this guy did not, he was in her present, still in her life, and he didn't know his wife was "platonic" friends with a dude who had an affair on his wife with her. Shame on anyone attacking this guy for being upset over this and not dealing with it well. Saying she should leave him? PLEASE. What she did in the past is not the problem, it's not good, but it is what it is. But the dude should of been out of her life for good after that and..it apparently took a disturbingly long time for that to happen, if it even truly happened at all. It's not about what she did, it is about what she did not do: which was kick this scumbag guy to the curb a long time ago.

 

Also no, "Daddy issues" is not a good excuse. So to the OP I say the concern is not that she had this affair, but that she remained friends with the guy after. Who..who does that? Seriously. It's like..oh hey we almost ruined each others lives..lets be facebook buddies! How does that work? If she had set you aside in the beginning LONG before marrying you and told you this about her..that would of been one thing. But she waited until a month before your wedding. Almost as if she planned it so she dropped it on you and you didn't have much time to process it and stop the wedding. That is not something you tell a person a month before you get married. It's something that should of been shared long before that, and at the very least should of come up once she agreed to marry you.

 

For me, I would cut my losses and walk. There are just too many unknowns here so far, there is no reason for her to remain in any sort of contact with the man she had an affair with while she was dating you.

Edited December 23, 2014 by Spectre

[BeholdtheMan]

My H probably casually slept with nearly 100 partners in the years before I met him.

I think you're completely off the mark here...

 

The difference is that OP's wife not only had sex with a married man...but she remained in contact with this married man even as he was trying to induce her to cheat on OP.

 

Get counselling. You need it.

 

You either need counseling or a reading comprehension class

 

OP's concerns are legit. His wife chose to stay in contact with an ex-lover even though this ex-lover was propositioning her after her engagement. If OP had not found out, his wife would still be "friends" with this guy