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How do I ask my wife if she's having an affair?


James7

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I've had suspicions for some time that my wife has been having an affair. She's always been flirtatious but my concern is that she is the object of a lot of male attention where she works. Before I add detail, could anyone advise me what the typical tell tale signs are? I want to confront her but dont want to make myself look stupid.

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Justanaverageguy

Typical signs with women include but are not limited to:

 

- Withdrawing from your relationship

- Her being angry or agitated with you for seemingly no reason. Often seems like she wants to pick a fight.

- She starts avoiding sex - may often make excuses like being tired or having a headache etc.

- Becomes secretive with her phone. Changes the pass code, takes it to the bathroom or similar behavior.

- Increased use of the phone. Constantly texting people etc.

- Increased interest in her own appearance. Starts going to gym, getting fit, buying new clothes spending a lot of time on appearance before going to work or other standard places.

- She arranges meetings with friends or goes to events without inviting you.

- Will become angry if you question her directly about whether there is something going on. I think thats a big tell tale - in a healthy relationship if a partner is "in the relationship" if you bring up that you're concerned something is going on they will try to reassure you and be somewhat understanding about your concern. When there is infidelity going on more often then not people get angry and take offence because they feel challenged. Instead of trying to reassure you they get angry and try and make you feel like a complete ahole for asking or raising the topic.

 

They are some of the basics.

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Thanks. Well I certainly can relate to at least three of those plus a whole lot of things that seem to add up. I've carefully raised my suspicions before but she has provided reasons and excuses.

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She stops changing in front of you, or closes the door for privacy.

Keeps her phone close or acts weird around the laptop

Deletes messages

Seems distracted

Change in behavior.

A lot of focus on appearance.

 

Most snoop, but if you feel with your gut things have changed then go for it, start checking FB, texts, emails, twitter, etc. Get your proof, then confront.

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Thanks. Well I certainly can relate to at least three of those plus a whole lot of things that seem to add up. I've carefully raised my suspicions before but she has provided reasons and excuses.

 

Most cheaters are deceitful

 

If you confront her without rock-solid evidence, she will deny, deny, deny (the same applies to male cheaters)

 

I would start snooping if I were you. Don't give away that you're suspecting her of having an affair. She will start deleting evidence and being more careful. You want her to feel safe, that way she's more likely to slip up

 

Generally, I hate playing games, but you have to be smart when you confront a cheater. They don't speak the language of honesty and direct communication. Honest people generally don't cheat. They'll try to work on their marriages and divorce if that fails.

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Buy a VAR ( voice activated recorder ) put it under the seat in her car and she undoubtedly will be talking to someone when you are not around . Put a GPS on the bottom of her car and she if she is where she says.

The above posters gave you signs. Not sure if they included under appearance if she is all of a sudden shaving her public area or if she does it and has no sex with you:

And lastly, be suspicious of every time she says she is going out with the girls or girlfriends. She probably has one of them covering for her.

Trust your gut. And remember you are not in a court of law. You do not have to prove anything to a court of law.

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Do not approach her until you have solid evidence. Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove.

 

 

Call your cell provider and ask for an itemized bill for the last several months. Look to see if there's another number on there that you don't recognize and she is calling and texting A LOT. Do a reverse lookup on the internet and see who that number belongs to.

 

 

I would do the VAR (but make sure you secure it under the seat using Velcro). If you get the opportunity, get her phone and get the text logs.

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i agree with most of the above, but not necessarily the sex things, or the lack of affection.

 

Sometimes cheaters do have sex with their spouses and even more because - 1. they are still attracted to their spouse. 2. to prevent suspicions.

 

Also the affection is not necessarily reduced. The cheaters not always cheat because of major problem in the marriage. Sometimes they cheat because they want to, and they have the opportunity.

 

What evidence do you wish to have? For divorce and legal purposes?

Because if it's only for you to know, for me it would be enough if she deletes her texts. I wouldn't care why did she delete them. the act itself proves she has something to hide and i wouldn't accept that.

Edited by lolablue17
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The question you ask in your subject line: how do you ask your wife?

 

YOU DON'T. She will say "no", and will then immediately start covering her tracks so that you never find any evidence. You need to gather your evidence without raising her suspicion! And then, how do you ask her? You still don't! You tell her that you know what is going on and ask what she is going to do to fix the marriage.

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Thanks for the advice given. I will bide my time and get concrete evidence. So far, I have the following- she has changed the way that she styles her pubic hair, just out of the blue. She never leaves her cell unattended and always wears special underwear to work and increasingly revealing clothes. A couple of years back she had a one night stand but told me immediately. Also, about 3 years ago an old friend called me saying that he was sure that he'd seen her on an online porn clip. I never saw this. It just seems like a lot of circumstantial things. Oh, she is always very wet downstairs and frequently has a lot of discharge in her dirty underwear.

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These are all very suspicious signs. If I were you, I'd do more than simply bide my time. I would proactively look for evidence.

 

Check her phone when she goes in the shower or when she's asleep.

Velcro VAR's under car seats as already suggested.

Check her e-mail/facebook, installing a keylogger to get the passwords if necessary.

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Thanks for the advice given. I will bide my time and get concrete evidence. So far, I have the following- she has changed the way that she styles her pubic hair, just out of the blue. She never leaves her cell unattended and always wears special underwear to work and increasingly revealing clothes. A couple of years back she had a one night stand but told me immediately. Also, about 3 years ago an old friend called me saying that he was sure that he'd seen her on an online porn clip. I never saw this. It just seems like a lot of circumstantial things. Oh, she is always very wet downstairs and frequently has a lot of discharge in her dirty underwear.

 

You don't mention having children with her? You already know enough information to decide if you want to be married to someone you have to police. You already have all the evidence you need, she's already cheated on you. Infidelity isn't the only deal breaker and cause for termination of a marriage. Her original infidelity cost her privacy and the guarding of her phone. Has she refused to let you see her phone? Do you have access to her phone bill, can you check her frequent calls? Does she spend a lot of time on her computer, if so you may want to install a key logger and see what other things she has been up to. As a final resort you may want to have her undergarments tested.

 

If you don't feel safe with her get out of your present situation, don't drive yourself crazy. Having to deal with deception and secrets isn't part of a healthy marriage. Trust your gut, it's not up to you to prove infidelity, with her history it's up to her to prove she is worthy of being your wife. If she can't convince you send her packing.

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I've had suspicions for some time that my wife has been having an affair. She's always been flirtatious but my concern is that she is the object of a lot of male attention where she works. Before I add detail, could anyone advise me what the typical tell tale signs are? I want to confront her but dont want to make myself look stupid.

 

You open a conversation with her about the status of the relationship between you and her. Don't ask her if she is happy . . . ask her if there is anything in the relationship that isn't working for her, things she wishes were different. Tell her what you may want to change, tell her you are happy and what you want for the future in the marriage. Ask her what she wants for the future in the marriage.

 

Do not say or do anything that projects insecurity on your part at this point.

 

Create an open environment for honest discussion. If she is hiding anything, it will be difficult to continue that.

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Oh, she is always very wet downstairs and frequently has a lot of discharge in her dirty underwear.

 

 

You can also purchase something called "Checkmate" online. You can take her panties and test them for the presence of sperm.

Edited by Chi townD
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Thanks all. You all seem certain of foul play when I only feel it's just suspicious at the moment. But looking at your comments, she does spend hours of an evening online and certainly that phone never leaves her side. She doesn't often go out but like I said, she dresses almost provocatively when she goes to work. The most concerning thing for me is the suspicion that the stains in her underwear is another mans semen. If this is the case, the. I almost certainly have performed oral sex on her when this has been present which makes me feel sick. i will now monitor things more closely

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Thanks all. You all seem certain of foul play when I only feel it's just suspicious at the moment. But looking at your comments, she does spend hours of an evening online and certainly that phone never leaves her side. She doesn't often go out but like I said, she dresses almost provocatively when she goes to work. The most concerning thing for me is the suspicion that the stains in her underwear is another mans semen. If this is the case, the. I almost certainly have performed oral sex on her when this has been present which makes me feel sick. i will now monitor things more closely

 

Keylogger time. My ex intentionally had sex with me within hours of having sex with O/M, I think that might be part of their rush. They always lie about using protection, the exchange of body fluids adds to the high they get from their deception. Test her garments, specially if they hide them deep in the laundry hamper.

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Thanks all. You all seem certain of foul play when I only feel it's just suspicious at the moment. But looking at your comments, she does spend hours of an evening online and certainly that phone never leaves her side. She doesn't often go out but like I said, she dresses almost provocatively when she goes to work. The most concerning thing for me is the suspicion that the stains in her underwear is another mans semen. If this is the case, the. I almost certainly have performed oral sex on her when this has been present which makes me feel sick. i will now monitor things more closely

 

 

 

Hey, there's a saying around here, when your gut is telling you something you better listen because it's usually right.

 

 

Sounds like it might be an office affair. There is a couple of things you can check out too. Stop by her office around lunch and see if she's free to go to lunch with you. Gage how she acts with you at her work! See if you being there makes her nervous. Or see if she gets angry with you being there. Might not telling you anything more than odd behavior from her. No smoking gun, but it might get you focused at looking for people from her work.

 

 

You can also put a keylogger on the home computer and see what she's looking up on the internet, emails and IM messages.

 

 

If your wife has an iPhone, then she probably has charged up the phone from the home computer. Hence, there's a chance that the computer and the phone sync'd up. Therefore, there is a hidden file on the computer that contains all the text conversations that was on that phone in this hidden folder. You need to download an iPhone file extractor and it should be able to locate and pull up this file for you.

 

 

Now, there's a few things YOU need to do. You need to put on an Oscar worthy performance and act clueless. That you don't have a care in the world! The more she thinks you're a clueless idiot, the more relaxed she's going to be and THAT'S when she'll make mistakes and it will be easier to catch her. If she thinks you suspect something, then she'll be constantly looking over her shoulder and covering her tracks extremely well and it will be a lot harder to catch her.

 

 

If and when you got your smoking gun and got all the evidence you can, when you confront her NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!! EVER!!!!! Believe me, she's going to want to know how you found out. What mistake she made. If you reveal a source, you can never use it again. If it's a co-worker, you can say you were tipped off from a call from someone she works with. That gets her direction off of you and she'll start looking at her work wondering who dimed her out, what exactly THEY know what's going on....blah....blah... Because one thing about cheaters, they are incredibly good liars. They'll have you believing that they're innocent if they can. But, you'll still have your resources like the VAR, keylogger and GPS...you didn't lose anything.

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Thanks all. You all seem certain of foul play when I only feel it's just suspicious at the moment. But looking at your comments, she does spend hours of an evening online and certainly that phone never leaves her side. She doesn't often go out but like I said, she dresses almost provocatively when she goes to work. The most concerning thing for me is the suspicion that the stains in her underwear is another mans semen. If this is the case, the. I almost certainly have performed oral sex on her when this has been present which makes me feel sick. i will now monitor things more closely

 

Hold it hold it, so is this where you started? You saw stains in her underwear and this lead you to be supicious?? If this is so then you are possibly over reacting.

 

Stains in a woman's underwear is perfectly normal. The vagina self cleans, and leaves a white discharge. Sometimes a high sugar diet or high consumption of alcohol will also cause a discharge. You better check your facts Jack, before you jump to conclusions.

 

It's possible she is having an emotional affair, and no sex is involved at all.

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If she is wet down there, as you put it, is it for you. Surely to get yoour hand down there it's part of a great night ahead?

However, revealing cloths and sexy lingerie is a massive cause for concern. You have to act on your intuition here mate, but act quickly. Don't let this suspicion fester any closer to Xmas than necessary. If she is misbehaving then you need to get medically checked.

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oh, and get the pant stains checked. in the best case you'll find out you're wrong, in the worst case it's over (though at least thats one less present to buy)

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I'm not going to rush to any conclusions. I'm aware that women have discharge, but what I'm referring to is on the outside of the panties as well. There could be an explanation. I've no problem with her making herself look good but sometimes feel that she dresses in a borderline innapropriate manner for work. I will play the long game on this. try and monitor electronic communications and maybe pay her a visit at work

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From what you are describing you can be pretty sure there is something going on at work that is not right. Let's review

Shaving public area different or new

Guarding phone

On computer without you seeing

Possible seman stains

Sexy clothes to work

 

That's enough red flags to be more than a little suspicious. So if I were you I would get my head out of the sand and instead of saying I'll start to look for evidence, I would try every CIA tool in the book to find out what the hell is going on. And for heavens sake don't tell her anything!

You are probably going to find out shortly some very disturbing information if you bother to really try to . Otherwise, she will tell you when she sits you down and tells you she is in love with OM.

Faithful women do NOT do what your wife is doing.

So if you are inclined keep asking for advice here. The techies on here can probably give you detailed information of everything you can and should do like yesterday.

Your other choice is to sit there and think about it and let it all happen right under your nose

For your sake I hope you make the right choice

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Do NOT ask her about it or bring it up until you have a smoking gun. If you bring it up without proof she will just deny it and then go deeper underground and cover her tracks better.

 

 

Get a keylogger program for her computers. Hack her emails, facebook etc. Get an itemized log of her phone calls and txts. Hide voice activated recorders in her car (cheaters often talk in the car when they are alone) or any other place she may have a private convo. Stash a GPS tracker in her car.

 

 

Also just show up unexpectedly at her workplace now and then. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know. If she is home at times when you are typically gone, show up unexpectedly at home and guage her reaction (this is assuming you don't catch her with her hand in the cookie jar to begin with)

 

 

Basically go into detective mode but do it on the downlow so she doesn't get suspicious and change her habits or tactics. You want her guard down.

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You all seem certain of foul play

No we're not certain, but it looks very likely. That's why we're advising you go all Batman and find out for sure. If we were certain then we'd say confront right away. But you've certainly got enough suspicious activity to justify some serious detective work to find out for sure what's going on.

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