MrsGrey Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I have been dealing with so much pain and hurt for having to deal with a boyfriend that cheated on me maybe twice, serious ones that i have came to find out. We have been together for 6 years. We met each other when he was married. His marriage was not going so well, as he told me. I must admit that i am fully aware that he was married and continued on seeing him. I have kids myself and was in an abusive relationship. Hence the reason I was very vulnerable. Eventually, his ex wife filed for divorce and he moved in at his parent's house. He still is residing there even after 4 years of being divorced. I have helped him and supported him on more ways that you could think of. His family knows me and I do attend most of their family functions. I loved him and cared for him so much. As years go by, I have found out that he had been cultivating a relationship with his then best friend's (not anymore) cousin, who happens to be in a different country. I thought that when he goes away for a weekend was because of his other career that he was pursuing. My instinct back then was telling me that something is off. True enough, i was able to get into his email account and found and saw emails, pictures, flight details. It was a very devastating time for me. I don't know how i managed to stay strong. I called him and told him that I trusted him but only to find out this. He denied and made it seem that he didn't know what I'm talking about. And that it wasn't him on the pictures. I didn't talk to him and broke up with him. He tried to call me and text me but i never entertained any. He came back after 4 months, begging and crying. WE talked and agreed to work things out. I wholeheartedly forgave him and decided to move past the betrayal he did. Only to find out that he was again having a relationship with a single mother. My suspicion grew over the months and i started to open my eyes and observe. My instinct was right. I found out that he took this woman and her daughter to a work trip about 2 hours drive from where we are. They had booked a hotel and all. Meanwhile, here I am wishing him all the best and be supportive about the career. I called his hotel and the receptionist said that no calls are allowed to be transferred. I begged the staff and was in the verge of crying to tell me if i should trust him. The receptionist felt so bad for me and gave me the hint to not trust and follow my guts. She even suggested that i call corporate and maybe i can get ahold of the booking. Which I did and to my surprise his reservation indicated 2 queen beds for 2 adults and 1 child. I was angry and furious to know that he lied again. It was a web of lies that i have to deal with. He then again asked me to forgive him and forget. He was blaming me that I never really made him part of my life and my kids. And that He wants more of me but it seems that my divorce is taking too long. He is blaming for all his actions. I have told him many of times to never come back and to let me be. But he will always say that he loves me and that I am the only one he wants to be with. And here i am, stupid enough to take him back. In the last couple of months, we have been moving forward and try to recognize the issues that we've had, however i still struggle with trust and there will be times that it makes me feel really sad that the person I thought i knew will betray my trust not once but 4 times. I caught him "sexting" as well prior to those two incidents. I need some serious advise and would like to know if i should continue on with the relationship. Need help please. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I'm sorry for your pain. You have to remember he cheated with you on his wife so how can you expect him to be faithful to you. Also because he is divorced he is really going to catch up on what he thinks he was missing out on when married. If you want to stop the pain for good leave him. If you stay around expect alot more of this behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 He has always begged that he wants to work thing out with me, and that I am the only one he wants to be with. He told me that if I really want to move on, i need to forget all that and move forward. He has shown some improvements but still i get that feeling of being betrayed still. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 You struggle with trust because he is not trust worthy. He is a serial cheater who blames his actions on others. I think it is very unwise for you to invest any more time into this lying selfish cheater. You jumped right from your marriage into a relationship with a married man. Take some time to be alone and heal, then stay away from married men as they do not make good partners. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 He has always begged that he wants to work thing out with me, and that I am the only one he wants to be with. He told me that if I really want to move on, i need to forget all that and move forward. He has shown some improvements but still i get that feeling of being betrayed still. Why would you believe anything this liar has to say? Sounds to me like if his lips are moving he is lying. He is a dead weight who will always hurt you and hold you down. Get rid of him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 I am in the crossroads right now as to whether he is worth the trust again. We both have tried to make things work and we know how much love we have for each other. But I'm at a complete lost. Whenever i bring up the trust issues, he will simply have a comeback all the time. And make it seem that his actions were based on mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 Let me mention that the last cheating he did , i found from the girl herself, because i made him call her in front of me while he was begging for my forgiveness, that he would sleep at her place mostly every night. It was really a devastating time for me. He has always reeled me back with his promises, and here i am always believing. He even suggested that we go to therapy, Could he be telling the truth and sincere about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 One thing running on my mind is... Had i really let him in to my life and kid's, would the serial cheating been avoided? Because he always brings that up. That he is ready for family. And it seems I am holding back on it. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 One thing running on my mind is... Had i really let him in to my life and kid's, would the serial cheating been avoided? Because he always brings that up. That he is ready for family. And it seems I am holding back on it. Please help. No. His actions are on him and cannot be blamed on you. If he felt that you were not being open enough to him then he should have discussed that with you and/or possibly ended the relationship so he could find the right person for him. That's what people mature people with integrity do. Lying and cheating and then blaming you for it show indicates that he has some huge character flaws. I'm sure he blamed his wife for everything too. He shows no true remorse or insight into why he does the things he does. He blames everyone else for his own actions. That should be a huge concern for you. I would not go to counselling with him because he will need individual counselling first, probably years of it, before he will be ready to work on having an honest mature relationship with anyone else. You could probably also benefit from some individual counselling to find out why you thought it was acceptable to sleep with a married man and why you continue to accept abusive behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 Thank you for the reply. What shall i tell him now? Id like to be firm and strong this time around. Because you can maybe tell that my feelings are strong for this person. I would like to finally write to him and be done with it. Please advise. Link to post Share on other sites
will j Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 It sounds like you're hanging onto this guy just so you don't have to be alone. If I knew you, I'd tell you to end the pain and the anxiety and leave him. If it helps, here's an article on why men cheat and how to prevent it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 It may seem like that but truthfully even the most intelligent and independent person will have a hard time to get answers from it all. i am here for some good support and to boost my strength to really move forward. I am not scared to be alone. I have a lot of things going on for me. I just want to make sure that it is the right decision that i am making here. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 What shall i tell him now? Id like to be firm and strong this time around. "Get the F away from me and never speak to me ever again, you lying cheating (expletive of your choice)". Close door. Delete number. Turn off mobile. Leave landline phone off hook. Block email address. Delete and block from facebook, twitter and whatever other social media you use. Tell friends and family that you've got rid of him and if he contacts them, then they should not talk to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 It may seem like that but truthfully even the most intelligent and independent person will have a hard time to get answers from it all. i am here for some good support and to boost my strength to really move forward. I am not scared to be alone. I have a lot of things going on for me. I just want to make sure that it is the right decision that i am making here. If you are not afraid to be alone then there must be some other reason that is based in fear that has kept you with this creep. It is simply not logical or rational to stay in this relationship and if you weren't fearful you wouldn't be confused. You know what the right decision is but something is making you afraid to take the leap. When was the last time you were totally single and alone? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 I am in the crossroads right now as to whether he is worth the trust again. We both have tried to make things work and we know how much love we have for each other. But I'm at a complete lost. Whenever i bring up the trust issues, he will simply have a comeback all the time. And make it seem that his actions were based on mine. This man does not love you. If he did he wouldn't cheat on you. He loves himself. I bet his wife thought he loved her also until he cheated with you. He doesn't like to be alone (like most cheaters) and constantly needs more than one persons attention. He will never be true until he is an old man, whose penis no longer works, then he will come home and sit the f+++ down. But who would want him then? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 One thing running on my mind is... Had i really let him in to my life and kid's, would the serial cheating been avoided? Because he always brings that up. That he is ready for family. And it seems I am holding back on it. Please help. How are you holding him back from having a family? If he is with you and your kids now he already has a family. He just has to add his gene pool to it. He would still serial cheat even if you hadn't let him into you and your kids home. Get him out and let your family heal from this choice you have made. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Cheaters will always gaslight when caught. And that means they will blame you for their indiscretions. They will blame you for their wrongdoing. That takes the guilt and the blame off them. And if you're gullible and weak, you'll sit there and question yourself and soon enough blame yourself for their foul behavior. And textbook of course, they will suggest counselling because then you will certainly consider his "attempt" at change and take him back. He was cheating on his wife with you. And now he has cheated on you, not once but twice. You have taught him a lesson -- that you will tolerate cheating. You will tolerate disrespect. You will tolerate lies. You will tolerate deplorable behavior. Chances are he will do it again because there are no consequences. I can't think of any reason why you would give this man another chance. And don't say love. There is no love anymore. He is a cheater to the core. "I just want to make sure that it is the right decision that i am making here." What would a man have to do to you in order for you to know that it's the right decision? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 Thank you all for sharing your valuable advise. It has been helping me get through this very tough time in my life. It is not easy especially i know that i have been nothing but good to the person who cheated on me for reasons that i have not introduced him formally to my kids and brought him fully into my life. I know i made the wrong choice of taking him back after i found out that he had a full blown relationship with someone else. He has begged me, shown regrets and made good promises. I gave him a hard time to earn the trust since i myself wasn't sure if taking him back was the right decision. But you know when you truly love the person, we tend to be blinded with a lot of things and you live with the Hope that they will change. I took him back the second time and it happened only about 6 months ago, and he has shown some improvements but still i noticed that he would not keep some of his promises. And that led me to really doubt that i should stay in that kind of relationship. Yesterday, i wanted to get some stuff that he has of me, and he didn't want to give them. And so i sent him some very nasty messages. And texted him exactly what i felt all along. I literally told him F off! and that i wish him all the bad luck. I am so angry at the thought of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Yesterday, i wanted to get some stuff that he has of me, and he didn't want to give them. And so i sent him some very nasty messages. And texted him exactly what i felt all along. I literally told him F off! and that i wish him all the bad luck. I am so angry at the thought of it all. Give yourself a clean break. Forget about "stuff" because in the grand scheme of things, your mental and emotional welfare is your priority and of more value. Unless it is a family heirloom, stuff isn't worth the hassle and drama. Block him number. Block his email. Remove him from your life and start anew. Granted it is going to be a painful journey, the reward will be worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 He isn't trustworthy, and he is no man. Cut all ties. And get your stuff back; get help if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 He has the AC that i had to get fixed from my condo, he never bothered to get fixed. I have bought some collectible for us to sell and he kept it for us. And i want to get it for my own keepsake. Is is worth asking for it still? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 He has the AC that i had to get fixed from my condo, he never bothered to get fixed. I have bought some collectible for us to sell and he kept it for us. And i want to get it for my own keepsake. Is is worth asking for it still? I would let it go. It would be one thing if he had the decency to return it to you but a man like him will use your "stuff" as an excuse to keep a lifeline to you. It will only enable more drama and hurt. Just cut ties and be done with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsGrey Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 Another thing that i want an answer on please, is that , why is it that he has found other women and have relationships with them, once i have found out, he will seem to end those relationships and "choose" me over them? When he should have just ended ours. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 You are still grasping at straws over this man. Who knows and who cares why he finds other women, then the minute you find out he tells you he has stopped seeing them and wants you. Do you honestly believe this? He still sees those other women but makes you believe he has dropped them and chosen you. Stop asking yourself why this cheater does what he does because that is keeping your mind on him and you need to stop thinking about him alltogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Another thing that i want an answer on please, is that , why is it that he has found other women and have relationships with them, once i have found out, he will seem to end those relationships and "choose" me over them? When he should have just ended ours. It is because you are a safe bet. You are a sure thing as in you'll always be there no matter what he does. He's not looking to be in committed relationships with these women. He's not having relationships with them. He's just using them to fulfill his needs. He's not choosing you. He's just back with you because you're there -- it's easy and it's comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
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