PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years. We have had past problem with his lying and sneaking around. Also speaking and trying to pick up other women. We tried to put this in the past. We recently moved in together. One night he was on a phone call with an old friend (female) and I was unhappy with it due to his past with lying. Instead of telling her that I was uncomfortable he smashed his phone into a million pieces. Over the last 2 months thing have been really rocky. We barley touch each other.. and I have been struggling with his past lies and bull**** that I wanted to leave him. We started to talking more and more and were trying to fix things. A friend of mine texted me last night and I said iv missed you. That's all that's it. My boyfriend was reading this message and snapped. Iv never given him a reason to think I am being unfaithful. He now thinks I am sleeping with this man and I am not. He wants me to prove that I am not... I don't feel like I should have to. I have been there for him for 7 years through all the bull****. Do you feel I need to prove myself to him. If I don't he will probably leave me... I don't feel I have to because he should know me better. Help? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 He sounds like a psycho. Smashing a phone to pieces is not something that a rational person does. You say he snapped when he read the message, what does that mean? What did he do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Obviously you are pointing out the negatives relating to these incidents and aren't talking about the relationship as a whole. To be blunt your boyfriend sounds like a total ****hole. I think you are asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking is 'why am I even still in this relationship and do I want to put up with this **** for the rest of my life?' 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 So you've tried to work on things, put them behind you, and it's obviously not working. Your relationship is destructive and abusive, it's time to put it to rest. If it has not changed in 7 years it will never change. You don't trust each other, the sneaky behavior is still ongoing, you accuse each other of all kinds of cheating. Why do you hang in this? Let him leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugar Magnolia Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years. We have had past problem with his lying and sneaking around. Also speaking and trying to pick up other women. We tried to put this in the past. We recently moved in together. One night he was on a phone call with an old friend (female) and I was unhappy with it due to his past with lying. Instead of telling her that I was uncomfortable he smashed his phone into a million pieces. Over the last 2 months thing have been really rocky. We barley touch each other.. and I have been struggling with his past lies and bull**** that I wanted to leave him. We started to talking more and more and were trying to fix things. A friend of mine texted me last night and I said iv missed you. That's all that's it. My boyfriend was reading this message and snapped. Iv never given him a reason to think I am being unfaithful. He now thinks I am sleeping with this man and I am not. He wants me to prove that I am not... I don't feel like I should have to. I have been there for him for 7 years through all the bull****. Do you feel I need to prove myself to him. If I don't he will probably leave me... I don't feel I have to because he should know me better. Help? It is my experience that he is deflecting, you accused him of cheating, (I think he is), so he turns it on you... I would tell him that he is welcome to check your phone email, ect.... if you can check his... when my husband was lying to me, he would always get angry and crazy to scare me off the subject... just my experience... judge it by how he acts when he is not guilty of something... wishing you well 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Why are you still with this guy? There's great loving men out there just looking for a faithful girlfriend. Dump this loser and find one of them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 What I meant by snapped is that he started acting cold hearted. He told me I was a messed up individual and that he couldn't trust me as far as he could spit me. The phone is not the only aggressive thing he also smashed my microwave into a million pieces. I think he may have either cheated in the past or is cheating now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I am not cheating should i prove that or no IMO, it's nearly impossible to 'prove' you're not doing something like cheating. OTOH, it is possible for him to prove you are, and that burden is upon him. Do you feel I need to prove myself to him. If I don't he will probably leave me... Transparency is IMO a positive in any relationship, though I doubt it will 'prove' anything. If your transparency is insufficient, what's the worst possible thing which can happen? Him leaving you? Violence? What? Do you have fear surrounding consequences? If so, identify it and work it. That's your challenge. It's often suggested that cheaters project their behavior sets onto innocent parties as part of their rationalization process. Unknown if this is the case with your BF but it certainly could be in play. He could be casting aspersions upon you do deflect from his own present or past behaviors. If a friend came to you with this scenario, how would you respond? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 I keep asking myself that. Seems easier because im comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 He is an ******* and im a very great kind attractive young girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 I would tell her to leave him. She deserves better and that he is probably doing her wrong anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 What I meant by snapped is that he started acting cold hearted. He told me I was a messed up individual and that he couldn't trust me as far as he could spit me. The phone is not the only aggressive thing he also smashed my microwave into a million pieces. I think he may have either cheated in the past or is cheating now. You waiting for him to hit you in the face? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 He's projecting. Tell him he can finger your vag for proof if he wants. I hear that's effective. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 He is very likely cheating. He is definitely abusive and has serious anger problems. He will someday turn this on you. Get away from him and stay away. He's a lying jerk. Why would you even care to "prove" you didn't cheat? That's next to impossible and won't help a damn thing. Your boyfriend is a nutcase. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 I think your right... I don't care to prove anything and that's my point. I have done nothing wrong and I wont be able to prove anything due to the fact there is nothing to prove. He should know me better.... iv been a great girlfriend.... its just so difficult when you have invested so much time. But hes not the man I thought he was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 I believe the term fingering my vag is repulsive. I would never go to those extremes. If he doesn't believe me then hes a ****ing idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 I am not waiting for him to do anything. But it may become that bad one day. Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 If he dumps you over this, thank him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Dude is a douche. You have absolutely no control over who textes you. But you do have control over how and if you respond. I have female friends and have told them I've missed them. It's rare but it does happen. I would hope he would want more evidence then an "I miss you" text to accuse you of cheating. You've got nothing to prove to this man. If anything he has a lot to prove to you. Honesty, anger management and so on. Just curious does he use roids? If so RUN.. You're putting your life at risk. If he's not cheating he has some very very very serious insecurity issues. Cheaters accuse those who are not cheating of cheating, it's a means of justification.. Move on there are plenty of men out there who wont break your things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 I think your right... I don't care to prove anything and that's my point. I have done nothing wrong and I wont be able to prove anything due to the fact there is nothing to prove. He should know me better.... iv been a great girlfriend.... its just so difficult when you have invested so much time. But hes not the man I thought he was. I've highlighted the above for the following reason. You have invested 7 years, and now think that is wasted time if the relationship fails. The past is done, you can't get it back. What you do have is your future. You've wasted 7 years on this guy which now means you should carry on and invest 7 more and 7 more after that? So in 20 years time you can look back at an awful relationship and say "i wasted 20 years of my life on that". This is a bad relationship, you know this to be true. Don't waste one more year of your life on it. You may not realise it now but you are lucky. You are young, attractive, not married, no children. Put your gear in the car and go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PerfectlyImperfect Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 He is not on roids but he is an ex coke head. He also abuses liquor to the max. I feel trapped and guilty. Everyone in my life wants me to run away and never look back. I just feel so bad. I believe I am too nice of a person. But I do know I deserve more. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 He is not on roids but he is an ex coke head. He also abuses liquor to the max. I feel trapped and guilty. Everyone in my life wants me to run away and never look back. I just feel so bad. I believe I am too nice of a person. But I do know I deserve more. You aren't trapped. And you aren't being nice... to YOURSELF. Demand more for yourself than an abusive cheating alcoholic. And yes, I believe he is cheating. Cheaters see the world through a cheating filter. So of course when he saw that text, he just ASSUMED you were cheating too. Plus it was a great tool for deflecting all attention off him and anything he's doing. Now, he can keep you worrying about "proving" your love and devotion to him, while he does whatever he wants behind your back and can just keep bringing up your "cheating" to keep focus off him. You have nothing to prove to him. Except that you are a strong woman who isn't going to put up with this sad excuse for a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Everyone in my life wants me to run away and never look back. As does everyone in this thread. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to GET OUT before his violence is turned onto YOU. It is only a matter of time before that happens. RUN AWAY. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts