Ashlynn Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Okay so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years but before I go into what there was a incident that happened where one of his friends kissing me but it was before we were dating but we were talking so now he hates the guy, but recently me and this guy that I was seeing on off and having sexual relations with starting hanging out again a lot. I thought it would be okay because we didn't each other as more than just friends but on July 19, 2014 we hung out and we had sex. I tried to stop it but I couldn't so I eventually gave in. Me and my boyfriend have already already were going through a problem when the guy kissed me, and I lost my boyfriends trust. I'm trying to earn back his trust but if I tell him this now, I know for sure he's going to leave. The longer I don't tell him the more it continues to eat at me. I just really feel like I need to tell him because I don't feel right with the decision I made and I don't want to wait too and I don't want to lie either. Honestly I just don't want the stress of what I did to continue to eat at me. I just want to forget about it. I haven't been able to my boyfriend in weeks so I was just hanging out with the guy as something to do. I'm not in a long distance relationship my boyfriend is just always busy. I really feel bad because my boyfriend has never cheated on me and he only wants a life for us and I want the same but I just don't want to start this life with the thought of me having sex with some else hanging over my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 You have to tell him. Yes, he might break up with you, but that is a consequence that you must face. He deserves the opportunity to decide whether or not to be with someone that is capable of this. If you genuinely care about him and have his best interests at heart, then you should respect him enough to tell him the truth. You'll never have true intimacy as a couple with a secret like this between you. Starting over with someone new is better than building a life on secrets and lies. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Yea, definitely have to tell him. It also sounds like you're not ready to be in a committed relationship. Your boyfriend shouldn't have to be standing right in front of you to control your behavior. And sorry, but the eventually giving in bit is a little juvenile. You could have just left the situation, letting the other guy know he was making you uncomfortable. But anyway, tell your boyfriend so that you can both move on together or move on apart. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 He wants a life with just you two. You want a life with with him and then some. Tell the truth and let him down easily. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 (edited) There's just no empathy in your post at all. It's me, me, me... Where is the compassion about not want to ruining your bf's trust in others, about him being absolutely devastated. Everything is about you. You want to relieve your guilt, you want to cheat on your boyfriend, you were hanging out with ex-lovers. You already know you had an impulse control problem and you went and started hanging out with ex lovers. He does sound like a great guy, so use your sense of empathy. Would you want to be lied to? You want to risk starting a life with a person who has already cheated twice (or more) and completely minimized it all, blame-shifted, lied, etc. Would you want to be in a relationship based on lies and risk getting an std? Do you love or care for him at all? If you do, you'll be honest so he can make a decision based on the truth. Plus, you need major counseling if you've already cheated multiple times in a relationship. He gave you a second chance, you blew it, let the guy pick up the billion tiny pieces left of his life and start putting them back together. Oh, and check out my signature below. Edited July 22, 2014 by HereNorThere 11 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I tried to stop it but I couldn't so I eventually gave in. Yeah, of course you couldn't stop it. Saying "No, back off" is demanding quite a lot of strength. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 It really sounds like your not ready for any kind of a serious relationship. The others are right it is clearly all about your. Your boyfriend called it and you ignored it. The best thing you can do now is tell him and let him go. He deserves better than what you currently have to offer. Clay 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Yeah, you need to tell him. He deserves the truth and to be honest with you, you do risk the chance of losing him by telling him. However, you risk the chance of losing him if you don't. If you don't tell him, then there's always going to be this elephant in the room and he's going to feel it. I assume that he's been with you for a while and he'll know you well enough to know when things seem a little "off" with you. You're going to feel guilty everytime he says he loves you because you'll think that you don't deserve his love. You'll feel guilty everytime that he does something nice for you, because you'll feel that you don't deserve that kind of treatment from him. You'll start to pull away from him and want to see less and less of him because eveytime you see him, it will just be a constant reminder of what you did to him. Look, you played with fire and you got burnt. I mean, seriously?!?! Hanging around a guy that you've had an on again off again sexual relationship with? Not smart. You may end up losing this guy, but you'll have to chalk it up as lessons learned. You'll have to ask yourself, was this other dude worth losing your boyfriend over? Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Seems like he is the type of guy who would want to settle down and have a life. YOU really have to figure out where you want to be WITH or WITHOUT your bf?? If you LOVE him deep down in your heart and haveing sex with the other is a mistake ((((( keep it to your self)))))) If you want a life with your bf, DO NOT tell him!!!!!! If it bothers you LEAVE your bf and walk away. Never tell a man you cheated and stay in a relationship with them...... (( he would haunt you the rest of your life about it )) happens to ppl I know already. If you stay thats between YOU and GOD!! Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 (edited) Good luck Edited July 22, 2014 by EverLastluv Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I tried to stop it but I couldn't so I eventually gave in. Sure, I bet it's only the other guy's fault and not your own. YOU put yourself into that position and now YOU alone put yourself into this position of guilt. If you want to be honest, FIRST be honest with YOURSELF. Accept responsibility for your actions, because all I see is you pointing fingers at everything else other than yourself. - He was too busy. - He works too much. - He's not around and I was bored. And you thought it was okay to just "hang out" with this guy who you used to have sex with? Wow. Just, wow. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 There's a name for women like you where I come from, but I like this forum and I don't want to get barred. Break up with the guy and let him find someone good enough for him. Sadly dearest, you'll find it definitely isn't you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Well.. it's hard for him to trust you again because you can't be trusted. That's unfortunately the end of your relationship right there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChamomileWind Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 (edited) I don't think you even need to tell him since there is no point in continuing this dysfunctional relationship base on lies. Why don't you just leave him for good and let him find a better girl that won't cheat on him? You can still go single and date whoever you want to. OP, just end this will you. Otherwise, by still keeping him you're really doing a disservice for the rest of us because now more men would have trust issues in the dating and relationship life. That's how some bitter people are created. Edited July 22, 2014 by ChamomileWind 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CharlieFox Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I don't think you even need to tell him since there is no point in continuing this dysfunctional relationship base on lies. Why don't you just leave him for good and let him find a better girl that won't cheat on him? You can still go single and date whoever you want to. No way, that is bad advice. If she's going to leave him for good, she needs to tell him the truth first, he deserves at least that. That way for him not knowing the reason why she leaves will eat him inside and he will always wonder what did he do wrong or what happened, when in fact he did nothing wrong. He deserves the truth. And speaking from the perspective of a guy who had his girlfriend cheat on him, that's one of the most horrible things to happen to any man who is serious about providing for his girl and being serious about the relationship, and no man (or woman for that matter) deserves that kind of thing. Tell him the truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChamomileWind Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 And speaking from the perspective of a guy who had his girlfriend cheat on him, that's one of the most horrible things to happen to any man who is serious about providing for his girl and being serious about the relationship, and no man (or woman for that matter) deserves that kind of thing. Tell him the truth.Unless he contacted a disease, I honestly would not want to know that I got dumped because he cheated. If she decides to stay in this relationship, then yes this is when she needs to tell the truth. True, leaving him and not telling him about it can lead him to wonder about certain things but at least he doesn't have to deal with that pain and burden of being cheated on and it would make it easier for him to find a quality woman. Whereas if she leaves but still tells him about it, then he's probably not going to even want to date for the longest and it might take him a while to get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Okay so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years but before I go into what there was a incident that happened where one of his friends kissing me but it was before we were dating but we were talking so now he hates the guy, but recently me and this guy that I was seeing on off and having sexual relations with starting hanging out again a lot. I thought it would be okay because we didn't each other as more than just friends but on July 19, 2014 we hung out and we had sex. I tried to stop it but I couldn't so I eventually gave in. Me and my boyfriend have already already were going through a problem when the guy kissed me, and I lost my boyfriends trust. I'm trying to earn back his trust but if I tell him this now, I know for sure he's going to leave. The longer I don't tell him the more it continues to eat at me. I just really feel like I need to tell him because I don't feel right with the decision I made and I don't want to wait too and I don't want to lie either. Honestly I just don't want the stress of what I did to continue to eat at me. I just want to forget about it. I haven't been able to my boyfriend in weeks so I was just hanging out with the guy as something to do. I'm not in a long distance relationship my boyfriend is just always busy. I really feel bad because my boyfriend has never cheated on me and he only wants a life for us and I want the same but I just don't want to start this life with the thought of me having sex with some else hanging over my head. Honestly..it kind of sounds like your boyfriend is not all that into you anyway. If you've been with someone for 3 years..you make time for them, busy or not. Might as well just tell him and let the chips fall where they may. He could already be cheating on you anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
longjohn Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Sounds like your relationship has likely run it's course. Even though you've done a horrible thing and you can't undo it. We all make mistakes in life. The best thing you can do is be honest, tell him and let the man go. As a man, once cheated on. Once the trust is gone it never comes back. At least not as it was. The woman that cheated on me at the time thought the best thing to do was not tell me and end the relationship. I found out before she got around to ending the relationship and to be honest the lies stung a lot worse than the cheating ever did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CharlieFox Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Unless he contacted a disease, I honestly would not want to know that I got dumped because he cheated. If she decides to stay in this relationship, then yes this is when she needs to tell the truth. True, leaving him and not telling him about it can lead him to wonder about certain things but at least he doesn't have to deal with that pain and burden of being cheated on and it would make it easier for him to find a quality woman. Whereas if she leaves but still tells him about it, then he's probably not going to even want to date for the longest and it might take him a while to get over it. He'll have to deal with the pain either way, she's leaving him after all. A real man, a good man, appreciates honesty above all. It's better to know the truth than to live in uncertainty and curiosity and keep thinking about this woman who just left him and now he's wondering what wrong did he do... If she leaves, she needs to let him know why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I don't think you even need to tell him since there is no point in continuing this dysfunctional relationship base on lies. I don't agree with this. I do agree that maybe she needs to break up with him and I do agree that this is dysfunctional. But, she needs to tell him the truth. Or else he will always wonder what HE did wrong to make her want to leave him. Or what HE didn't do to make her unhappy. He will wonder that for a long time and that's not fair to him. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I don't think you even need to tell him He'd find out anyway as soon as rumors surface about her and a few other guys. By spilling the beans she'd at least leave the relationship with some dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
CharlieFox Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Honestly..it kind of sounds like your boyfriend is not all that into you anyway. If you've been with someone for 3 years..you make time for them, busy or not. Might as well just tell him and let the chips fall where they may. He could already be cheating on you anyway. So you're saying it's perfectly alright to cheat under the above circumstances?.. Instead of being honest to your bf/gf that you feel they don't make enough time for you as they're busy and try to communicate, just cheat on them, and comfort yourself with the thoughts that they're just not all that into you, or maybe they're cheating on you anyway... Yeah.... I'm sorry, but cheating is cheating, and no matter how you look at it, cheating is an act of dishonesty and unfaithfulness to your significant other. It's NEVER alright to cheat, no matter what, and should not be excused. It's all up to the other person to decide if he wants to stay together with a cheater, but in all honesty, no one deserves such person next to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Honestly..it kind of sounds like your boyfriend is not all that into you anyway. If you've been with someone for 3 years..you make time for them, busy or not. Might as well just tell him and let the chips fall where they may. He could already be cheating on you anyway. Based on WHAT? On what the cheater is saying? Are you seriously trying to shift this back onto the guy? For all you know, he is out there working hard to give THEM a future together. You've got to be kidding me right now. He could be cheating on you already? WOW. Let's stop projecting here, KaliLove... this advice is RIDICULOUS. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 There are pro's/con's to her telling him. If it were me, I'd rather get dumped without knowing. Can you imagine the trust issues that guy is going to have in the future because of this? VS Simply not knowing why she left? Time will heal the second one, the first one could stay ingrained in his psyche forever. Either way, she needs to get out of his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 (edited) whre is Ashlynn? We here giving advise on this matter what is her decision lol Edited July 23, 2014 by EverLastluv 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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