HomecomingQueen Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 Hello. I have been reading all of LS for some time. I decided to post my current situation. I first met my boyfriend 7 years ago. The instant chemistry between us was undeniable and intense. We began spending more time together and knew we were meant to be together. He was in a very unhappy marriage, and he told me I made him very happy. He also said he felt more alive than he had in years. Six years ago he left his wife. We started spending even more time together. About 5 years ago, we decided to be an exclusive couple. We have had our ups and downs like any relationship, but we truly love each other. He still has not finalized his divorce, and I asked him why. The divorce went so long without any action, the court closed the case. In order for him to finalize, he has to refile the case. He and I talk about marriage, and I want him to marry me. He is hesitant to propose right now, but I know we are meant to be together. He tells me it is not financially reasonable to finalize at this time, since it is costly to refile, pay attorneys, pay alimony and child support, etc. He still supports his ex-wife and children financially (pays house payment, several bills, gas card). If he will finalize, then that will be more money for he and I to have for our vacations, expenses, etc. Have any of you experienced this with your significant other...them procrastinating on finalizing a divorce? I want him to divorce her. Should I give him an ultimatum or just a little more time? I know he loves me and not her. I have become suspicious of him at times, but he gets upset and tells me I am silly for being jealous and suspicious because he loves me. I know he may just need more time, but I am getting upset with him. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 He does not need more time. He has had 7 years. I would not be happy to enter a relationship with someone who is married, let alone spend 7 years in it. You have to ask yourself what will you do if nothing changes? Because he has stated quite clearly that he is not going to change anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HomecomingQueen Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 He has stated that he will be getting a divorce, and he should go ahead and do it. He just hasn't given me an exact date. Why would he lie to me about getting a divorce if he wasn't planning on getting one? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) To keep you pacified and putting' out, of course. I know someone who dated a guy for 10 years with the promise of marriage when he got his ducks in a row. She left a couple of times and went back (2 years, then 5 years) based on promises. Finally, at the 10 year milestone, she said that's it––either we set the date and plan the wedding or we're done. He said, screw it then––we're done. She says that the worst mistake she's ever made was wasting those 10 years on that guy believing he was serious. If you want to see what this guy is made of, tell him to give you a call when he's divorced and ready to set a date. If he's serious he'll be in the lawyer's office first thing Monday morning. If not, he'll say, oh c'mon now honey, you know how much I care about you.... Edited July 18, 2014 by salparadise 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 He's got his cake, and is eating it too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HomecomingQueen Posted July 18, 2014 Author Share Posted July 18, 2014 He's got his cake, and is eating it too. It's not like he is living with her. He has not lived with her in 6 years. He has his own place, but lives with me most of the time. The only time he stays at his place is when he has his kids or when we are having a fight. I could see this quote being applicable if he still lived with his wife or spent nights with her, but that is not the case. He does not even like to see her, and she knows about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 It's not like he is living with her. He has not lived with her in 6 years. He has his own place, but lives with me most of the time. The only time he stays at his place is when he has his kids or when we are having a fight. I could see this quote being applicable if he still lived with his wife or spent nights with her, but that is not the case. He does not even like to see her, and she knows about me. You are reading the comment wrong. He's getting EVERYTHING out of the relationship that he wants without having to commit 100% to it. Like you said, he just leaves if there is a fight or it's the kids. The point isn't that he is with his ex-wife, the point is he's not going all in and can just go back to his place whenever something isn't going well. He seems to be perfectly fine with the situation how it is right now, if you ask me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 He has stated that he will be getting a divorce, and he should go ahead and do it. He just hasn't given me an exact date. And you're happy for that "sometime" to mean anytime in the last 7 years? How do you know the situation won't be exactly the same in another 7 years? I see a lot of talk but no ACTION here. Why would he lie to me about getting a divorce if he wasn't planning on getting one? Why would he bother to get one if he can just give you some lip service instead? Much cheaper and less hassle. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 It's not like he is living with her. He has not lived with her in 6 years. He has his own place, but lives with me most of the time. The only time he stays at his place is when he has his kids or when we are having a fight. I could see this quote being applicable if he still lived with his wife or spent nights with her, but that is not the case. He does not even like to see her, and she knows about me. My exH & I did not file for divorce (for financial reasons--insurance, mortgage) for nearly 5 years after we'd separated. Since we were amicable & neither of us ever intends on getting married again (we were married for over 25 yrs), there was no urgency. (We agreed that there was 0% chance of getting back together.) At around year 3-1/2, however, my then H was dating someone who had begun voicing her desire to get married. Although he told her that wasn't going to happen because we were still married, I became concerned about the financial impact it could have on me if she were to decide to become pregnant (since we still owned the house together). Also, I had resolved the issues that had, at first, kept me financially dependent on the marriage so I was ready to file. It should have been quick, easy & inexpensive... Whoa! Not so fast!!! Suddenly, he wasn't ready to go through with it! Why not, you may ask...well, if he were divorced, he wouldn't be able to use our marriage as an excuse for not marrying her! Not my problem, right? So, I filed. That's when I found out that he had been telling her all along that the reason we hadn't divorced sooner is because I would "ruin" him financially although we had already agreed to the terms of a 50-50 split. When she found out that I'd filed, she insisted that he hire an atty to take the house (including the equity, of course) so to keep her believing his lies, he did, and I had no choice but to hire my own. In the end, I actually ended up with a larger financial settlement than I would have had (although I "forgave" part of it a couple of years later because I felt sorry for him because the only mortgage he was able to get on his own was bleeding him dry). Fast forward 9 years--I just bought a house and am happily single and debt-free. He, on the other hand, is still single. Yep, he is so upside-down on his mortgage that he can't afford to sell the house & move to be with her. Of course, he's still using ME as his excuse for not being able to marry her--because it's MY fault he's broke! Pfft...nonsense. The reason he is broke is because he was foolish enough to lie to her & she was foolish enough to believe him & get involved in our divorce. Take from my experience whatever may apply, but be aware that until he is ready to get a divorce & marry you, your best options are to either deal with it or move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Hello. I have been reading all of LS for some time. I decided to post my current situation. I first met my boyfriend 7 years ago. The instant chemistry between us was undeniable and intense. We began spending more time together and knew we were meant to be together. He was in a very unhappy marriage, and he told me I made him very happy. He also said he felt more alive than he had in years. Six years ago he left his wife. We started spending even more time together. About 5 years ago, we decided to be an exclusive couple. We have had our ups and downs like any relationship, but we truly love each other. He still has not finalized his divorce, and I asked him why. The divorce went so long without any action, the court closed the case. In order for him to finalize, he has to refile the case. He and I talk about marriage, and I want him to marry me. He is hesitant to propose right now, but I know we are meant to be together. He tells me it is not financially reasonable to finalize at this time, since it is costly to refile, pay attorneys, pay alimony and child support, etc. He still supports his ex-wife and children financially (pays house payment, several bills, gas card). If he will finalize, then that will be more money for he and I to have for our vacations, expenses, etc. Have any of you experienced this with your significant other...them procrastinating on finalizing a divorce? I want him to divorce her. Should I give him an ultimatum or just a little more time? I know he loves me and not her. I have become suspicious of him at times, but he gets upset and tells me I am silly for being jealous and suspicious because he loves me. I know he may just need more time, but I am getting upset with him. Seven years should be enough time. Your relationship began while he was still living with his wife. Maybe he has some ambivalence because of this. He's got what he wants, why should he change? I wouldn't want to be married to a guy that I had to push to marry me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 OP, my best friend is in a similar situation. Her guy was separated from his ex-wife when they met. (He also has 3 children with his former wife) Always dragging his feet about divorcing, and he too has very few ties with his ex apart from the kids. For about 6 years my friend wondered the same things you're wondering. She gave him an ultimatum and he (reluctantly - HIS word) proposed last Christmas. So, yes, he is finalizing his divorce now. Wedding date has been set, dress purchased, hall rented. And guess who's just been told that her fiance is having second thoughts and might not want to get married after all... My point in telling you this is that I don't think the ex-wife is the issue in your case. Your guy still isn't sure after 7 years with you. Are you sure he wants to re-marry in the future? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 (edited) It's not like he is living with her. He has not lived with her in 6 years. He has his own place, but lives with me most of the time. The only time he stays at his place is when he has his kids or when we are having a fight. I could see this quote being applicable if he still lived with his wife or spent nights with her, but that is not the case. He does not even like to see her, and she knows about me. The quote I posted doesn't just apply to stupid men and their silly secret mistresses. It's far more nuanced than that. You want a future with marriage and everything, but he doesn't want no less and no more than the comforts of a relationship = someone to talk to, someone to have sex with. No more "responsibilities" than that. Edited July 19, 2014 by No Limit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HomecomingQueen Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 Someone mentioned kids. I will not ever want kids. I don't like kids except for his two almost grown kids. He still pays most of his ex's bills because she refuses to get a job. He and I could do more things if he still didn't practically support her. He loves me and not her. She should realize that too. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Someone mentioned kids. I will not ever want kids. I don't like kids except for his two almost grown kids. He still pays most of his ex's bills because she refuses to get a job. He and I could do more things if he still didn't practically support her. He loves me and not her. She should realize that too. I don't think this is about her. Everything about this situation is a result of his choices. I doubt that he is legally obligated to support her to the extent that he does, but...that's what he's doing. If you aren't satisfied, what is easier...changing what he does or changing what you do? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 He still pays most of his ex's bills because she refuses to get a job. He and I could do more things if he still didn't practically support her. He loves me and not her. She should realize that too. Read Survivor12's post again. You're sounding like the GF of her ex. Go that route and either he'll drop you off and find someone else or his ex will take up arms in the divorce as well and take as much money as she can get, after all she's the one who raised/is raising the kids. And not everyone is as nice as Survivor12 with these things, some really will go to town about it. This isn't about you here. She probably cares no more for you than she does for him. His family comes first so he'll support them, and that isn't you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Someone mentioned kids. I will not ever want kids. I don't like kids except for his two almost grown kids. He still pays most of his ex's bills because she refuses to get a job. He and I could do more things if he still didn't practically support her. He loves me and not her. She should realize that too. So should he. You sound like you're in competition with her. But he has responsibility in this too. Why is he supporting her so much? Is that a court order? Of course he supports his children. But her? He is making some choices here that aren't healthy for your relationship. His priorities and yours don't line up. This isn't all about her. It's about him and his decisions too. You have to ask yourself why he's prioritizing this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HomecomingQueen Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 So should he. You sound like you're in competition with her. But he has responsibility in this too. Why is he supporting her so much? Is that a court order? Of course he supports his children. But her? He is making some choices here that aren't healthy for your relationship. His priorities and yours don't line up. This isn't all about her. It's about him and his decisions too. You have to ask yourself why he's prioritizing this way. It is not a court order. The divorce ended up being closed by the court because he and his wife never finalized. They did not have any court ordered agreements in place either. I mentioned the divorce to him today. He said his ex-wife (refers to her as his ex-wife and has no plans to ever go back to her) had medical issues develop so he did not finalize. She is still on his medical insurance too. I reminded him that we cannot get married until he gets a divorce. He said "I know baby. I will get a divorce soon." He said i need to stop worrying because I sound jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 It is not a court order. The divorce ended up being closed by the court because he and his wife never finalized. They did not have any court ordered agreements in place either. I mentioned the divorce to him today. He said his ex-wife (refers to her as his ex-wife and has no plans to ever go back to her) had medical issues develop so he did not finalize. She is still on his medical insurance too. I reminded him that we cannot get married until he gets a divorce. He said "I know baby. I will get a divorce soon." He said i need to stop worrying because I sound jealous. He doesn't need a reminder. He knows, 100%, what he is doing. So, in other words, you'll be waiting for heaven knows how long. Her medical issue isn't just going to disappear. And he thinks you sound jealous? Bull crap. You've invested several years already. He's trying to sweep the issue under the rug so you stop asking him about it and he can continue on doing what he wants. This isn't a guy who is thinking about getting married any time soon. OP, I hate to say it, but I think he's going to continue finding excuses not to divorce or re-marry. I asked before but I don't think you've replied yet: has he told you that he in fact sees himself marrying again one day? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 My point in telling you this is that I don't think the ex-wife is the issue in your case. Your guy still isn't sure after 7 years with you. Are you sure he wants to re-marry in the future? Yea, there is some unknown issue that's keeping him stuck in the past rather than looking to the future. Maybe it's a feeling of wholeness or belonging by staying married to the mother of his children. Maybe she represents a mother figure to him. Maybe he has guilt or abandonment issues. Or maybe he's just in a comfortable place because it obfuscates commitment, remarriage, eliminates the stress of making life changes... somehow, he doesn't want to turn the page and start a new chapter. HCQ, I think that unless you're ok being the mistress slot indefinitely (like the rest of your life, or until he get bored), you need to shake things up and make the status quo a whole lot less comfortable. That or just accept it as your fate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HomecomingQueen Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I asked before but I don't think you've replied yet: has he told you that he in fact sees himself marrying again one day? When I talk about marriage he tells me that he knows that's what I want, and he wants me to be happy or he will remind me that he loves me and isn't going anywhere. We have not specifically discussed a date for marriage. I don't want children so it's not like my clock is ticking. I'm just frustrated because he does not seem to be in a hurry to divorce and I think he should get it taken care of. He loves me and respects me so much I keep thinking any day he will come home and say the divorce is once again in the works. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 When I talk about marriage he tells me that he knows that's what I want, and he wants me to be happy or he will remind me that he loves me and isn't going anywhere. We have not specifically discussed a date for marriage. I don't want children so it's not like my clock is ticking. I'm just frustrated because he does not seem to be in a hurry to divorce and I think he should get it taken care of. He loves me and respects me so much I keep thinking any day he will come home and say the divorce is once again in the works. This is why I asked - he didn't say it's what he wants, correct? That would concern me, if I were you. It's great that he wants to make you happy, and that he isn't going anywhere. BUT he hasn't told you that he wants to marry you (if I understand this correctly) My take is that he knows if he divorces, you will be expecting marriage. And he doesn't really want that. So he keeps coming up with reasons why he is still married to someone else. Again, this is only my interpretation based on what you've posted. I think you need to have a very honest and difficult discussion about the future with him, and find out whether or not your goals and his really are the same. I think 7 tears is plenty long enough. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 He said i need to stop worrying because I sound jealous. Making the other feel in the wrong is an old classic. Let's see for how long it will work on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HomecomingQueen Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Making the other feel in the wrong is an old classic. Let's see for how long it will work on you. He is right. I can be jealous, and I admit it. I do not like when other women call or text him, and I do not like it when he spends a long time talking with his ex-wife (unless it's about his kids). I'm working on my jealousy issues. Link to post Share on other sites
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