Boyfriend is really curious about my past, worth sharing or not?

[Italy_10]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. Throughout our relationship we implemented a "no tell, no ask" policy in regards to our past. We both are virgins, and we both are aware of that. We also have not had sex yet, as we want to save it for marriage.

 

With that sad, recently my boyfriend and I have been pondering a lot in regards to our past physical encounters. I know my boyfriend has been in relationships prior to this, and so have I. We both have also already established that we've not had sex in any one of the relationships either. However, we both have done other things that could have perhaps led to sex, but didn't.

 

Now, since my boyfriend and I came to the realization that we have done things OTHER than sex, the curiosity is killing us. We both want to share the information, accept it and move on - BUT we both don't know if we're emotionally capable of handling it. My boyfriend fears that it will make him highly uncomfortable to know that I might have done MORE things physically with the guys in the past in comparison to him. Or, he worries that I might have had more partners than him etc.

 

We both don't know whether it's worth at least sharing how far we've gone physically with people in the past. Whether sharing that info will do more harm than good?

 

At the same time, my boyfriend feels like right now he's making up all these scenarios in his head as to what I've done, and that might not even be the case - so if I let him in on the real info, he'd be relieved knowing it's not as BAD as he thinks.

 

We're both really confused. We both are SO curious to know, and feel like perhaps knowing it will put an end to our unreasonable thoughts. Is this a good idea, or not?

[No Limit]

Why think of the old? Why not make something new entirely in your relationship?

 

As long as neither of you have a history of constant serial cheating, there's nothing to discuss about old playmates.

[Italy_10]

Why think of the old? Why not make something new entirely in your relationship?

 

As long as neither of you have a history of constant serial cheating, there's nothing to discuss about old playmates.

 

The past is a reoccurring issue in our relationship. Somehow this topic keeps coming up, and we want to end it for ONCE and for all. We thought perhaps just making everything clear would allow us to move on from it.

 

We can't figure out any other way to stop the constant mental thoughts and images of each other with other people.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it would be a good idea. Your boyfriend sounds insecure, and telling him in detail what you've done with other guys is not going to help put his mind at ease. If he's already building up scenarios in his head, I don't see how painting a clearer picture is going to help that. He will likely only feel worse when he knows the specifics, and I don't believe having some big talk about your past is going to end his and your curiosity once and for all. You say the past comes up a lot in conversation - how? Who is initiating these talks?

 

You both know the other is a virgin. Let it be now. Dwelling on the past isn't healthy and prevents you from moving forward.

[lolablue17]

You can remove that subject off the table by sharing only GENERAL information.

 

"I had 3 guys before you, we kissed, we made out, i told 2 of them "i love you"... - and that's it!

 

detailed interrogation isn't a good idea and it's an invasion to your privacy. It's also irrelevant to your current R.

[GoBlue]

Now, since my boyfriend and I came to the realization that we have done things OTHER than sex, the curiosity is killing us. We both want to share the information, accept it and move on - BUT we both don't know if we're emotionally capable of handling it. My boyfriend fears that it will make him highly uncomfortable to know that I might have done MORE things physically with the guys in the past in comparison to him. Or, he worries that I might have had more partners than him etc.

 

Are you and your boyfriend planning on marrying each other? These are things that usually come up when couples either get engaged or are thinking about doing so. Secondly, do you and your boyfriend attend church? I ask because the only people I know who strive to be pure before marriage are usually those with a religious commitment. If that is true in your case have you considered meeting with a Pastor and doing some counseling even prior to engagement. Many couples are doing pre-engagement counseling just to take a clear look at their relationship and verify that it can with stand the demands of marriage.

 

My experience as a Pastor in the past has shown me that couples should share what they are comfortable sharing. They should also do so appropriate to where their relationship now stands. In other words, if you are serious about the possibility of getting married, than communication will reflect this at a deeper level. The truth is the past is the past and there is absolutely nothing either one of you can do about the choices that have already been made. You can only control the choices you make today.

 

I hope this is a help. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings!

[d0nnivain]

If you share details you will never look at each other the same way again especially since you both agree to save sex for marriage.

 

General info like what you have already shared is fine. More detail will cause problems.

 

Curiosity killed the cat remember.

[Italy_10]

I don't think it would be a good idea. Your boyfriend sounds insecure, and telling him in detail what you've done with other guys is not going to help put his mind at ease. If he's already building up scenarios in his head, I don't see how painting a clearer picture is going to help that. He will likely only feel worse when he knows the specifics, and I don't believe having some big talk about your past is going to end his and your curiosity once and for all. You say the past comes up a lot in conversation - how? Who is initiating these talks?

 

You both know the other is a virgin. Let it be now. Dwelling on the past isn't healthy and prevents you from moving forward.

 

The talks come up very randomly, and its subtle things that trigger thoughts of the past. For an example, if I'm talking about a car, and my ex happened to own that car, my boyfriend will start thinking about my ex. He will then start to compare himself to my ex, and then he starts telling me how uncomfortable all those thoughts make him.

 

We don't even have to be directly talking about the past for us to start thinking about the past. Any slight reminder of our past relationships causes us to start feeling jealous, insecure, and not 'special'.

 

Things have just been getting worse though after we established that we were both virgins BUT had still done other things - like making out.

 

I think we both just want the satisfaction of knowing how far we both went and with how many partners - so that we can stop thinking about what MIGHT have happened.

[Italy_10]

Are you and your boyfriend planning on marrying each other? These are things that usually come up when couples either get engaged or are thinking about doing so. Secondly, do you and your boyfriend attend church? I ask because the only people I know who strive to be pure before marriage are usually those with a religious commitment. If that is true in your case have you considered meeting with a Pastor and doing some counseling even prior to engagement. Many couples are doing pre-engagement counseling just to take a clear look at their relationship and verify that it can with stand the demands of marriage.

 

My experience as a Pastor in the past has shown me that couples should share what they are comfortable sharing. They should also do so appropriate to where their relationship now stands. In other words, if you are serious about the possibility of getting married, than communication will reflect this at a deeper level. The truth is the past is the past and there is absolutely nothing either one of you can do about the choices that have already been made. You can only control the choices you make today.

 

I hope this is a help. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings!

 

Yes, my boyfriend and I are planning to get married within a year, and we just want to get all this out of our way before we pursue our life as a married couple. We do have a religious and moral commitment which is why we have not had sex - however, have made other mistakes in the past.

 

We aren't Christian, however, so the Pastor idea would not work. Although, the counseling does sound like a good idea. We just wanted to determine whether it would be a better idea to just kill our curiosity, accept it and move on or whether trying to overcome it WITHOUT sharing anything else would be possible before we get married.

 

Thanks for all the help!

[ExpatInItaly]

The talks come up very randomly, and its subtle things that trigger thoughts of the past. For an example, if I'm talking about a car, and my ex happened to own that car, my boyfriend will start thinking about my ex. He will then start to compare himself to my ex, and then he starts telling me how uncomfortable all those thoughts make him.

 

We don't even have to be directly talking about the past for us to start thinking about the past. Any slight reminder of our past relationships causes us to start feeling jealous, insecure, and not 'special'.

 

Things have just been getting worse though after we established that we were both virgins BUT had still done other things - like making out.

 

I think we both just want the satisfaction of knowing how far we both went and with how many partners - so that we can stop thinking about what MIGHT have happened.

 

OP, this is not good. It signals that both of you are insecure. Leaping from a slight reminder of the past to not feeling special isn't healthy for a relationship, and it is emotionally draining. You both need to learn to appreciate that the relationship is now, and stop comparing yourselves to each other's past partners. I still strongly advise against having a discussion about the details; I don't think either of you would handle it very well in the end.

[Clockwork]

To the original poster, tell him everything. Why not? Look, the key to getting to know a person is being aware of their past. You are both virgins, that should be celebrated. Have you seen these boards? Read people's posts? Having sex with the wrong people has screwed up a lot of people's lives for a very long time (eg. kids with someone you don't love). The fact that both of you remained virgins is great. You know each other's past. If he went to 2nd or third base with a girl then so be it. He didn't go all the way. Think of it this way, even before he knew you he was being faithful to the person he was (perhaps?) going to marry. That's pretty loyal. So if he fooled around with another girl before you, so be it.

 

He's with you, you're with him and you should tell him your experiences too. It'll open up your relationship. Otherwise it'll just tear you apart.

[ascendotum]

I'm 50:50 on this. I see threads usually from woman saying the past is their business and is private and not the concern of their fiance or husband, which I find strange. I think given this couple will wed soon, they should be open with one another. Whats so bad to keep a secret from even the most important person in the world to you.

 

There is also the issue of this anxiety & insecurity over the past that is not going to go away just by sweeping the issue under the rug.

 

There is also the fact that she admits her bf is likely distilling scenarios in his mind that are lot worse than the actual truth. He could actually be very relieved at what she tells him and vice versa.

 

For a couple of virgins I didn't think this sexual past issue would be an issue, but seems it is. It is possible there could be encounters involving oral or anal sex with numerous partners or randoms, but I don't think that's the case here. I didn't thank having a few extra bf or gf, when there was limited sex involved was going to be a big issue, but if it is, it is. It seems like if you don't discuss this its just going to simmer away as an issue, and quite possibly causing undue angst over nothing. I think you could share just general info on your past but nothing too specific/detailed. At least you both feel the same dilemma over this, so should be able to agree on a mutually acceptable disclosure outcome.

[Thicke2013]

My suggestion would be this. Both of you write down some questions that you want to ask the other, such as, "did you give another guy a BJ?", "did you finger another girl?". Once those questions are on paper, under them write out all of the responses that you could possibly imagine. Then read them out loud to yourself. Can you handle that type of response from your partner? OP, if your bf tells you that he has given oral sex to another woman or he has fingered her is that going to be ok with you? It sounds like you have given at least one guy a bj or you wouldn't mind sharing your past with him. Will he be able to handle it if you tell him that?

 

My fiance and I have adopted the policy of don't ask unless you really want to know. We are both blatantly honest and will answer whatever the other wants to know. Sometimes we think we want to know but once we do we wish we never asked. You can't unhear it and you can't take it back once it is said. I can see both sides of the coin here but my honest opinion is that if you two can't even handle the possibility of some other types of sexual misconduct before you got together, you most certainly won't be able to handle it once you know that is what happened. Right now it's just a thought of what might have happened. Once it is told, it is actually what happened. Big difference. Good luck OP.

[drifter777]

The past is a reoccurring issue in our relationship. Somehow this topic keeps coming up, and we want to end it for ONCE and for all. We thought perhaps just making everything clear would allow us to move on from it.

 

We can't figure out any other way to stop the constant mental thoughts and images of each other with other people.

Your boyfriend is unknowingly setting a trap for you both. This curiosity is very common among lots of guys for one reason or another. Here's the thing: if you tell him something that crosses some imaginary line in his mind it is going to cause you nothing but grief until you break up. In this situation I always advise women to lie. Minimize everything. <sexual content redacted>

 

So tell him that the most you did was let boyfriend rub your boobs over your top and maybe some dry-humping but that's it. You have to sell it so be real squeamish and uncomfortable when you tell him. Keep reminding him how embarrassed you are to admit such things.

 

No matter how much he swears that he won't hold anything against you, don't believe it. Just satisfy his overwhelming curiosity with a few mild "heavy petting" activities and NEVER tell him anything more.

Edited July 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Italy_10]

He's with you, you're with him and you should tell him your experiences too. It'll open up your relationship. Otherwise it'll just tear you apart.

 

I agree. This issue is already tearing us apart. We are failing to continue with our daily activities.. This isn't only affecting our relationship, but EVERY other aspect of our lives. We're just two very jealous, and insecure people. And we both know that.

 

 

There is also the fact that she admits her bf is likely distilling scenarios in his mind that are lot worse than the actual truth. He could actually be very relieved at what she tells him and vice versa.

 

For a couple of virgins I didn't think this sexual past issue would be an issue, but seems it is. It is possible there could be encounters involving oral or anal sex with numerous partners or randoms, but I don't think that's the case here. I didn't thank having a few extra bf or gf, when there was limited sex involved was going to be a big issue, but if it is, it is. It seems like if you don't discuss this its just going to simmer away as an issue, and quite possibly causing undue angst over nothing. I think you could share just general info on your past but nothing too specific/detailed. At least you both feel the same dilemma over this, so should be able to agree on a mutually acceptable disclosure outcome.

 

It's really the scnerios in our heads that are driving us a little insane, and I think it has to do more with the curiosity than the jealousy. He might be thinking much worse than I've done, and I might be doing the same. If we're already thinking the worst (prior to intercourse that is) then... we might as well just hear it once and for all, and move on. If we fail to discuss this, I feel like this issue will always just linger over our heads one way or another.

 

We both know we're accountable for certain things we've done, and we both understand that everyone has a past. He's also made it quite clear that though all this will be very difficult for him to handle, he WILL accept it, and come to terms with it NOW - instead of AFTER our marriage.

 

Your boyfriend is unknowingly setting a trap for you both. This curiosity is very common among lots of guys for one reason or another. Here's the thing: if you tell him something that crosses some imaginary line in his mind it is going to cause you nothing but grief until you break up. In this situation I always advise women to lie. Minimize everything. <sexual content redacted>

 

So tell him that the most you did was let boyfriend rub your boobs over your top and maybe some dry-humping but that's it. You have to sell it so be real squeamish and uncomfortable when you tell him. Keep reminding him how embarrassed you are to admit such things.

 

No matter how much he swears that he won't hold anything against you, don't believe it. Just satisfy his overwhelming curiosity with a few mild "heavy petting" activities and NEVER tell him anything more.

 

My boyfriend and I have decided to share our pasts. We havn't yet.. but are hoping to do so within this week. Are you sue I should I really take the lying approach? I mean, what if he finds out in the future that I lied about something like this? Wouldn't be the situation be far worse?

 

I do agree that lying would help me get away with this better with minimal consequences... I just hope the lying doesn't come back to haunt me later on in our MARRIED life!

 

Thanks for all the help everyone. Much appreciated!

[Elle1975]

Well what could you have done that was so wrong?

 

I agree with some of the posters, the truth might poison his mind, or your mind. I also think that this need to know the specifics of what happened isn't exactly healthy.

 

The contract wants you to be a virgin, and wants him to be a virgin. Check, and check.

 

I mean unless you blew some stranger in the bathroom, I am not sure why he needs to know the details of what happened with the exes.

[lolablue17]

I've read the whole thread now....Yes - Lie to him about your past! Minimize the facts and hide the hot stuff. stay with some kissing and some minimum touching, (of course nobody touched or saw your $^%$&... )

 

I think it's either lying or ruin your relationship to years and years of misery and even separation. You are both (it's more him than you) not open enough for this stuff.

 

It's not really lying. It's "not telling the whole juicy private physical parts" which I think No couple should share their detailed physical past. the difference is that most couples are mature enough to realize that and most couples respect their spouses privacy without becoming insecure.

 

If you tell everything - It going to be a self-destruct mechanism.

[Clockwork]

I agree. This issue is already tearing us apart. We are failing to continue with our daily activities.. This isn't only affecting our relationship, but EVERY other aspect of our lives. We're just two very jealous, and insecure people. And we both know that.

 

Jealousy will kill you. You've got to stop that stuff. Trust me, it gets you nowhere. Jealousy is one of the worst traits you can have, because it paralyzes your life and makes you bitter, yet the person you are jealous of carries on with their life. It really is a useless thing, especially talking about the past.

 

My wife and I weren't virgins when we met. We eventually told each other about our sexual past. Neither of our pasts had a high volume of partners, but they did exist and we were straight up about it. That way you know you can always trust the other person.

[Italy_10]

I've read the whole thread now....Yes - Lie to him about your past! Minimize the facts and hide the hot stuff. stay with some kissing and some minimum touching, (of course nobody touched or saw your $^%$&... )

 

I think it's either lying or ruin your relationship to years and years of misery and even separation. You are both (it's more him than you) not open enough for this stuff.

 

It's not really lying. It's "not telling the whole juicy private physical parts" which I think No couple should share their detailed physical past. the difference is that most couples are mature enough to realize that and most couples respect their spouses privacy without becoming insecure.

 

If you tell everything - It going to be a self-destruct mechanism.

 

Thanks for all the replies everyone!

 

I took your advice into consideration, and I did MINIMIZE the details of what happened by A LOT! He told me things as well, and my initial reaction was pretty bad, but I've gotten over it in the span of like 2-3 days.

 

Anyways, so I did lie to him and give him as less info as possible, BUT he can't seem to get over all that either!

 

He's now miserable, has no interest in life, and cannot stop picturing me in those acts! He's even DREAMING about it now, and it's driving me a little insane!

 

What's funny is... His past is more worse than mine, but here I am trying to be okay with it.. and he's gone into depression.

 

Does anyone have an idea on how I can deal with this now?

 

Why do GUYS make a fuss of all this much more than us WOMEN, when they've done the SAME sh * t themselves. Urgh!

[ascendotum]

Thanks for all the replies everyone!

 

I took your advice into consideration, and I did MINIMIZE the details of what happened by A LOT! He told me things as well, and my initial reaction was pretty bad, but I've gotten over it in the span of like 2-3 days.

 

Anyways, so I did lie to him and give him as less info as possible, BUT he can't seem to get over all that either!

 

He's now miserable, has no interest in life, and cannot stop picturing me in those acts! He's even DREAMING about it now, and it's driving me a little insane!

 

What's funny is... His past is more worse than mine, but here I am trying to be okay with it.. and he's gone into depression.

 

Does anyone have an idea on how I can deal with this now?

 

Why do GUYS make a fuss of all this much more than us WOMEN, when they've done the SAME sh * t themselves. Urgh!

 

Well good luck on him finding a 'no fooling around even' virgin. Yep he's definitely applying a double standard, and I guess you pointed this out to him. I thought it was okay of you not to be so detailed in your past, but I don't really agree with lying, but given his reaction, I guess I can't say it was really the wrong choice. In lots of threads on LS the advice for men when complaining about an compatibility aspect with their gf, is basically you are incompatible, go find some one who suits your needs & expectations & personality better. I don't see why sexual history compatibility needs to be papered over with lies or the discussion avoided to keep the person from doing that. Sorry this turned into a big drama for you though.

 

You certainly shouldn't apologize for your past or have regret that its upsetting him. He's in a funk over this, but its only a been a few days, so I'm sure he'll pick up in the coming weeks. If he starts to avoid affection with you, then I think you should actually get angry with him. Pull back from seeing him so much or being so sweet to him in trying to cheer him up and tell him you are giving him space to work things out. It might come off as 'game playing' but maybe you could start giving him some of his own back and act miserable & angry over his escapades, so it might shake things into context for him, that its not all about poor him.

[lolablue17]

Thanks for all the replies everyone!

 

I took your advice into consideration, and I did MINIMIZE the details of what happened by A LOT! He told me things as well, and my initial reaction was pretty bad, but I've gotten over it in the span of like 2-3 days.

 

Anyways, so I did lie to him and give him as less info as possible, BUT he can't seem to get over all that either!

 

He's now miserable, has no interest in life, and cannot stop picturing me in those acts! He's even DREAMING about it now, and it's driving me a little insane!

 

What's funny is... His past is more worse than mine, but here I am trying to be okay with it.. and he's gone into depression.

 

Does anyone have an idea on how I can deal with this now?

 

Why do GUYS make a fuss of all this much more than us WOMEN, when they've done the SAME sh * t themselves. Urgh!

 

WOW!!

Well, apparently you didn't minimize enough :-)

 

Listen carefully - It is HIS thing and he's got to take care of his problem, maybe with therapy. You can't solve HIS problems. You can assure him that you love him, That's all you can do.

 

But if it's getting worse and worse, after some time i advice you to change attitude. maybe He needs a slap in his face. Then you should demand him to choose between 2 ways

 

1. to get over it and winning you.

2. to continue with his self destruction and ruining his life on his own! SOLO!! because you're not going to drown yourself with him together in this issue.

[Thruster]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. Throughout our relationship we implemented a "no tell, no ask" policy in regards to our past. We both are virgins, and we both are aware of that. We also have not had sex yet, as we want to save it for marriage.

 

With that sad, recently my boyfriend and I have been pondering a lot in regards to our past physical encounters. I know my boyfriend has been in relationships prior to this, and so have I. We both have also already established that we've not had sex in any one of the relationships either. However, we both have done other things that could have perhaps led to sex, but didn't.

 

Now, since my boyfriend and I came to the realization that we have done things OTHER than sex, the curiosity is killing us. We both want to share the information, accept it and move on - BUT we both don't know if we're emotionally capable of handling it. My boyfriend fears that it will make him highly uncomfortable to know that I might have done MORE things physically with the guys in the past in comparison to him. Or, he worries that I might have had more partners than him etc.

 

We both don't know whether it's worth at least sharing how far we've gone physically with people in the past. Whether sharing that info will do more harm than good?

 

At the same time, my boyfriend feels like right now he's making up all these scenarios in his head as to what I've done, and that might not even be the case - so if I let him in on the real info, he'd be relieved knowing it's not as BAD as he thinks.

 

We're both really confused. We both are SO curious to know, and feel like perhaps knowing it will put an end to our unreasonable thoughts. Is this a good idea, or not?

 

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

not a good idea at all

 

keep it to yourself -- shhhhhhhhhhh

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for all the replies everyone!

 

I took your advice into consideration, and I did MINIMIZE the details of what happened by A LOT! He told me things as well, and my initial reaction was pretty bad, but I've gotten over it in the span of like 2-3 days.

 

Anyways, so I did lie to him and give him as less info as possible, BUT he can't seem to get over all that either!

 

He's now miserable, has no interest in life, and cannot stop picturing me in those acts! He's even DREAMING about it now, and it's driving me a little insane!

 

What's funny is... His past is more worse than mine, but here I am trying to be okay with it.. and he's gone into depression.

 

Does anyone have an idea on how I can deal with this now?

 

Why do GUYS make a fuss of all this much more than us WOMEN, when they've done the SAME sh * t themselves. Urgh!

 

 

Oh, for heaven's sake. Your boyfriend is an insecure drama queen, as many of us warned you. Do NOT allow him to make you feel guilty about your past. Do NOT let his self-pitying, self-righteous attitude stress you out. This is now HIS problem to deal with. He wanted to know, and now he has to deal with his own reaction to it. All you could/can do is reassure him of your love for him. He's gone into depression? Please. We warned you he wouldn't be able to handle it.

 

Now that he knows some of the details, do not apologize for it. Do not let him hold it over your head. I have a bad feeling he's going to do just that, and have you doing backflips to "make it up" to him. Give him some time to absorb the information; be loving. But never let him make you pander to him because of this. He either needs to grow up or you need to move on.