So is she or isn't she? You decide...

[firmness]

My new girlfriend and I (both in our 40’s) are deeply in love and things are going really well. I just got a divorce and she is in the midst of hers. She had a rebound relationship a year ago, so that is not too much of a worry for me.

 

She lives in a neighborhood with mostly other families and couples. And there is this one guy. (You know where I am going with this). He is married to a woman who is super high maintenance and apparently has not had sex with him in over a year. My girlfriend told me this, although I don’t know how she knows.

 

She is very sexy. She dresses casually, but likes to show her natural beauty. She also hugs everyone, but she hugs this guy a little differently. The hugs seem to linger a bit. When he makes jokes, she laughs extra loud. When he walks into an area where we are, he goes to her first and gives her an appropriate kiss. He ignores me slightly, but that is okay. He is nice and friendly enough and I do not feel threatened by him.

He is wealthy- very wealthy. And pretty handsome I guess. She has said on more than one occasion that he is such a nice guy. A few weeks ago, she had been drinking and tried to say some other person’s name, and in Freudian fashion said his name - three different times in a row.

 

We were in a common area of her apartment building the other day. He showed up to say hi – and when he left, she turned to watch him walk away. As he got down the hallway, he turned and waved to her and she gave a subtle little wave back. She had her back to me so I could not see the look on her face.

 

I am of the mindset that we are not married, and we each have lives and a history. We promised only that we would not sleep with other people. At this age, we both have opposite sex friendships, and I cannot ask her to change this – nor would I accept her asking me to give up my female friends.

 

I am almost too secure, so things like this would normally not bother me. But I have learned with women to trust my instincts and to watch for behaviors. No tests, no games, no tough questions, and no dramas – just watch her behaviors. That is usually all it takes. Unfortunately behaviors can be misinterpreted.

I brought this up with her about two months ago. She didn’t confirm or deny anything. She just promised me that she did not sleep with anyone shortly after that conversation. It was not accusatory, nor whiney. Just a conversation.

 

The common responses one would expect here, are:

1. Dude, you are insecure/paranoid/controlling. Let it go.
   
2. Dude, she is screwing this guy for sure. Dump her immediately.
   
3. Dude, your past is messing with you. Don’t hold your ex’s crimes against her.
   
4. Dude, why don’t you just ask her point blank.
   

 

None of these options seems right though. I am not paranoid or insecure. I do not believe she is having sex with him (although this is always possible). My past will always affect me – I would have it no other way. This is called wisdom where I come from. And any person with life/romance experience knows that you do not ask such questions point blank. It can makes matters worse…and it can make you look insecure, even when you are not.

 

 

So what do you suggest good people of LS?

[No Limit]

2. Dude, she is screwing this guy for sure. Dump her immediately.

 

I pick that one.

 

Ask her point blank? Liars don't tell the truth.

[jbelle6]

Agree, no point in asked, they never will tell the truth.

I used to get gut feelings and brush them aside till I got concrete proof, then I realized I always did get concrete proof of my gut feelings so now I just go with them.

[giblesp]

Your GF is exchanging sexual energy with another man, which doesn't necessarily mean anything would ever happen.

 

Some people do this in relationships and thats the way they are. Some people aren't comfortable with this, and don't. It sounds like you might be in the latter category, your GF in the former.

 

You have to decide if you're happy to compromise with this and live with it. If you want someone who has only eyes for you, then she might not be the one.

[Charlie Harper]

There is an old saying here that reads:

 

When the river has water, it makes sound....

[firmness]

There is an old saying here that reads:

 

When the river has water, it makes sound....

 

Uh. I am usually pretty good at analogies, but you lost me.

[Elle1975]

Uh. I am usually pretty good at analogies, but you lost me.

 

No smoke without a fire. Same thing.

[firmness]

I appreciate the responses, but basically what I am hearing is that I should break up with her on a suspicion.

 

...Or I should just deal with this feeling.

 

These are equally unappealing options.

 

Is there a surefire way to read other signs? I do not want to think about hiring a detective, so that is out. And I am not the stalker type. So ixnay on that.

 

I need insights, ideas, answers. I do not want to settle down with this woman only to find that my earliest gut instinct turned out to be true.

[ascendotum]

I say 5. She fancies him and enjoys the attention she gets but is not doing anything more with him (but maybe could).

 

She is in her 40s and come out of a marriage (maybe one in which she was unappreciated) not too long ago. I'm sure she very much appreciates the attention from attractive men. No sin in that. I'm sure if there was a sexy younger women in your apartment complex who was a little flirty with you, you'd love it and would do similar to your gf, and not think you were going too far, or had any intention of cheating on your gf.

Yeah she fancies this wealthy guy. I'd say if this guy was single there could be a good chance things would not work out with you and she'd be on him. From what you have posted though, its too much to assume for sure its anything more than what you see and I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt that she is into you and is only sexing you. You are secure and have your wits about you, which is good, so just keep monitoring the situation.

[Grumpybutfun]

Do you trust her? If this is headed towards a LTR or marriage, this is a red flag that you are either not ready due to trust issues or you are aware that she is invested in this other man on some level and you are wary. Did she cheat on her ex husband? Also, are you certain you aren't allowing events from your past like infidelity or an emotional affair to cloud your judgment and paint ghosts in smoke. (I thought I would join in the fun here.)

G

[lolablue17]

Listen, if she's cheating she would have probably tried to hide her affection for him, especially when you're around.

 

I think she wants to be able to have close new male friends, and she is even Externalizing her behavior deliberately for you to notice it, and to test your reaction.

 

she is defining borders for the future. I think that's a problem because she doesn't consider you in the equation. She doesn't care if you're disturbed by it, she's too busy with her self and her freedom.

 

I believe that 2 people in love should do a lot for each other in any aspect. When you say that she didnt deny\approve - it's very selfish. She practically defies against you.

[2sunny]

I appreciate the responses, but basically what I am hearing is that I should break up with her on a suspicion.

 

...Or I should just deal with this feeling.

 

These are equally unappealing options.

 

Is there a surefire way to read other signs? I do not want to think about hiring a detective, so that is out. And I am not the stalker type. So ixnay on that.

 

I need insights, ideas, answers. I do not want to settle down with this woman only to find that my earliest gut instinct turned out to be true.

 

Then don't settle down with her.

 

Assume she will always flirt at the expense of possibly hurting your feelings.

 

That part sucks.

 

If that's the way she is - then just have it be casual.

 

I think it's a huge red flag that she's talking about his marriage and his sex life! What a huge violation to any marriage!

[Darren Steez]

You're not breaking up with her on suspicion, you'll be breaking up for sheer disrespect.

 

Look no one says you can't flirt (limited and not overt), look at another person, maybe even comment how sexy someone is. But one thing is for sure a person needs to feel secure in a relationship. With her actions it's not surprising you're not.

 

So tell me sir, when she suggests she and him by are going out to dinner by themselves, but it's ok because he's just a friend and she's doesn't harbor any feelings for him/she brings him over in front of you etc etc. Would that be ok with you in light of how she's acting with him previously.

 

Body language is body language. But she's not even trying to hide it. I'm personally not one of these people that go, be secure, she's with you, let her do her thing as long as she's not cheating. You have to feel like you're her first and only..with him it doesn't seem like the case.

 

So insecure, so early on? No, time to say goodbye or just have fun with her without commitment. Seeing as you're already thinking about settling down it might be too late for that

[firmness]

Do you trust her? If this is headed towards a LTR or marriage, this is a red flag that you are either not ready due to trust issues or you are aware that she is invested in this other man on some level and you are wary. Did she cheat on her ex husband? Also, are you certain you aren't allowing events from your past like infidelity or an emotional affair to cloud your judgment and paint ghosts in smoke. (I thought I would join in the fun here.)

G

 

Thanks Grumpy!

 

We are together 6 months, and she is already talking about the future. This seems fast to me. But in terms of feelings, I get it. I feel the same. We are wise enough to know that these are just feelings. But they are there and they are strong.

 

She keeps nudging the conversation in that direction and I have been secretly (in my mind) waiting for this. She delivered. This is not a red flag, but I do not want to be her backup plan. I am a pretty settled and strong man, so I can see how that would be appealing to her at several levels. But I read a lot of stories on here about women who fall fast for a guy after a breakup, only to rethink her choice months/years later.

 

I do not want to overthink this too much. That's the dilemma, isn't it? You can't ignore your gut, but if you think too much, well everything looks like a red flag.

 

Sheesh - at my age, this should be easier!

 

Back to that guy, I suspect that she has not slept with him, but if you look at the various top ten lists of "signs she is cheating", I am seeing a few.

 

One woman said that a cheating woman will actually bring the guy's name up, so as not to look like she is hiding anything. Sort of a reverse psychology thing.

 

Since we are new to each other, I wonder why she would be with me and so close and deep and real and raw and sexy. All the signs that she is insanely in love with me, yet still have this guy in her orbit.

 

People do this, I get that. But something is amiss.

 

I wish I could have a neutral third party come and see this. Especially a woman. To give me a reality check. I do not want to mess this up over a suspicion. It is too good to waste on silliness like that.

[firmness]

You're not breaking up with her on suspicion, you'll be breaking up for sheer disrespect.

 

Look no one says you can't flirt (limited and not overt), look at another person, maybe even comment how sexy someone is. But one thing is for sure a person needs to feel secure in a relationship. With her actions it's not surprising you're not.

 

So tell me sir, when she suggests she and him by are going out to dinner by themselves, but it's ok because he's just a friend and she's doesn't harbor any feelings for him/she brings him over in front of you etc etc. Would that be ok with you in light of how she's acting with him previously.

 

Body language is body language. But she's not even trying to hide it. I'm personally not one of these people that go, be secure, she's with you, let her do her thing as long as she's not cheating. You have to feel like you're her first and only..with him it doesn't seem like the case.

 

So insecure, so early on? No, time to say goodbye or just have fun with her without commitment. Seeing as you're already thinking about settling down it might be too late for that

 

Thanks Darren. Your words are the other half of my brain saying the very same things. This is why I am here.

 

For now, I have resolved to just keep it casual. It is fun, the sex is great, and I am really happy. Unfortunately for me, I also have a very strong sensible side. It makes it easier for me to walk away than I think most men.

 

That sounds good, but it has a down side. It makes me quit early if I sense foolishness. Nothing is worse than a foolish woman. They are not always easy to detect.

 

So my plan seem to be to lay low and enjoy this. She has been through a lot and she deserves to have her life. I am here for this part of it.

 

We will have to have a very difficult conversation at some point in the future when she starts asking for a commitment. YOu know as well as I do that every woman does this eventually.

 

But she is sowing the seeds of the undoing of trust. She does not see it that way - she sees it as her establishing her own boundaries and exercising her freedom.

 

So be it. I really do honestly respect that.

 

But I have learned in the most intense ways, repeatedly and painfully, from the women in my life that cheating is more than just having sex - and that it is ALWAYS a deal breaker.

 

I am sad to acknowledge what is in my heart... this relationship will not likely survive this feeling I have. Be it her fault or my own.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks Darren. Your words are the other half of my brain saying the very same things. This is why I am here.

 

For now, I have resolved to just keep it casual. It is fun, the sex is great, and I am really happy. Unfortunately for me, I also have a very strong sensible side. It makes it easier for me to walk away than I think most men.

 

That sounds good, but it has a down side. It makes me quit early if I sense foolishness. Nothing is worse than a foolish woman. They are not always easy to detect.

 

So my plan seem to be to lay low and enjoy this. She has been through a lot and she deserves to have her life. I am here for this part of it.

 

We will have to have a very difficult conversation at some point in the future when she starts asking for a commitment. YOu know as well as I do that every woman does this eventually.

 

But she is sowing the seeds of the undoing of trust. She does not see it that way - she sees it as her establishing her own boundaries and exercising her freedom.

 

So be it. I really do honestly respect that.

 

But I have learned in the most intense ways, repeatedly and painfully, from the women in my life that cheating is more than just having sex - and that it is ALWAYS a deal breaker.

 

I am sad to acknowledge what is in my heart... this relationship will not likely survive this feeling I have. Be it her fault or my own.

 

So, am I understanding correctly that you're having doubts that extend beyond the current situation with her flirty neighbour? It sort of reads to me that you're not entirely sure you want this relationship anyway, and the issue with this man is just bringing it to a head.

[bubbaganoosh]

You have to go on your gut instinct. If your not comfortable with the way they act around each other then move on and find someone else.

 

How do you think she would feel if you did the same thing with a female friend of yours. No doubt she would be wondering if there wasn't more than meets the eye.

 

IMO, I wouldn't be making long term plans with her until you know for sure. What was once a vice will become a habit and by then it's too late.

 

It boils down to being comfortable in your relationship and if your not then you have a problem.

[oldshirt]

 

 

My new girlfriend and I (both in our 40’s) are deeply in love and things are going really well.I just got a divorce and she is in the midst of hers. She had a rebound relationship a year ago, so that is not too much of a worry for me.

 

 

 

Actually, this bothers me more than anything else you have mentioned. Just because she had some fling awhile back and just because your divorce was recent doesn't really mean that things are going to be smooth sailing and that both of you aren't going to want to spread your wings and fly a little bit.

She is still a married woman and even though she is having fun on dates with you now doesn't mean that once her final decree is in her hand, that she's not going to want to enjoy some of that newfound freedom.

My only real fear in this situation is that you are putting the cart in front of the horse a little too much and your expectations for your relationship with her may be getting a little high.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is married to a woman who is super high maintenance and apparently has not had sex with him in over a year. My girlfriend told me this, although I don’t know how she knows.

 

 

She knows this because he has confided that to her. Men whine about their wives being high maintenance and unsatisfactory sex lives to women that they are hoping are going to augment their sexlife. ....in other words they tell this to women they want to fck.

 

 

, but she hugs this guy a little differently.

 

 

The hugs seem to linger a bit.

 

 

When he makes jokes, she laughs extra loud.

 

 

When he walks into an area where we are, he goes to her first and gives her an appropriate kiss.

 

 

He ignores me slightly

 

 

He is wealthy- very wealthy.

 

 

And pretty handsome .

 

 

She has said on more than one occasion that he is such a nice guy.

 

 

said his name - three different times in a row.

 

and when he left, she turned to watch him walk away. As he got down the hallway, he turned and waved to her and she gave a subtle little wave back.

 

 

There is a mutual attraction taking place here.

But lets keep things in some perspective. I had about 5 episodes of mutual attraction yesterday. 8 the day before that. 3 the day before that. 12 the day before that........ blah blah blah you see where I'm going with that.

 

 

More on this later.....

 

I am of the mindset that we are not married, and we each have lives and a history. We promised only that we would not sleep with other people.

 

 

That's fair enough and reasonable. Do you have any evidence that she has broken that agreement? Are you wanting to or are you willing to do some snooping to see if she has???

Is this really about that or are you just wanting some assurances that your relationship with her is secure and that there is no threat at this point??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At this age, we both have opposite sex friendships, and I cannot ask her to change this – nor would I accept her asking me to give up my female friends.

 

 

Again, that's fair and reasonable.

 

I am almost too secure, so things like this would normally not bother me. But I have learned with women to trust my instincts and to watch for behaviors. No tests, no games, no tough questions, and no dramas – just watch her behaviors. That is usually all it takes. Unfortunately behaviors can be misinterpreted.

 

 

Not really. People are what they do. If she is flirting with him and showing signs of attraction with him, then she finds him attractive.

What that doesn't explain is her level of commitment to you and it doesn't give you a chrystal ball into your future.

Do you have cause to think she may have some feelings for this guy and that there may be a mutual attraction taking place? I believe so.

Does that mean you should dump her or that you should try to put some kind of smack down on their interactions etc etc? That's a toughy at this point.

 

 

 

 

 

I brought this up with her about two months ago. She didn’t confirm or deny anything.

 

 

Back in my day that was called, "...keeping my options open.."

 

 

She just promised me that she did not sleep with anyone shortly after that conversation.

 

 

Did she specifically deny 69ing?

OK that was kind of a cheap shot but you get my point. just because someone hasn't actually done the deed, doesn't mean that they aren't getting the next batter warmed up on deck.

 

 

 

 

It was not accusatory, nor whiney. Just a conversation.

 

The common responses one would expect here, are:

 

1. Dude, you are insecure/paranoid/controlling. Let it go.
   

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

There is a very thin line between paranoia and picking up on the early signs before something has actually happened yet.

 

1. Dude, she is screwing this guy for sure. Dump her immediately.
   

 

 

Seems a bit rash at this time but how much actual investigating have you done? ie gone through her phone, email, facebook, talked to other people in the neighborhood, voice activated recorder in her car/house etc??

 

1. Dude, your past is messing with you. Don’t hold your ex’s crimes against her.
   

 

 

This is a valid point. She should not be held accountable for your ex's behavior. all people do certain behaviors, it's all a matter of degrees and contexts. your ex may have hugged the OM a little too long and waved at him as he was walking away....but so does everyone else all the frick'n time. one or two common behaviors does not an affair make. it's always about the big picture and context.

Yes you may be a little paranoid and you may be carrying baggage from your past that is making you overly sensitive. Or you may have gained some wisdom and street smarts and can see the signs of trouble ahead.

You may have to live with a little bit of ambiguity here for awhile until a true pattern emerges or a smoking gun is found. The real crux of this situation is how are you going to deal with that ambiguity and what is it going to do to you????

 

1. Dude, why don’t you just ask her point blank.
   

sounds to me like you already did that and she gave you some kind of ambiguous blow off answer.

 

Untill you have a smoking gun in your hand, I think any more confrontations will just drive her deeper underground if there is something going on. Or piss her off and hurt her unnecessarily if there isn't.

 

 

 

 

I am not paranoid or insecure

 

 

Sure you are. We all are. You've been through a lot and it's going to leave a mark. No shame in that and it's ok to recognize some discomforting feelings as long as you don't take any stupid and unfounded actions based on them.

 

 

 

 

. I do not believe she is having sex with him (although this is always possible).

 

 

So does that mean that actual sex with him is where you are going to set the bar on what is and what is not acceptable to you?

And again I will go back to what is the purpose of your post and what is your objective with it?

are you wanting to know if she is cheating?

Are you wanting to know if you are being paranoid?

Are you wanting an algoryhm of what to do from here?

 

 

.

 

 

So what do you suggest good people of LS?

 

 

 

I wrote some responses to some specific points above.

 

 

Here are some of my general thoughts and impressions in no particular order -

 

 

- She and this guy do have a certain degree of chemistry and attraction. whether it's problematic or not is the real question.

 

 

I'm sure if she was single and he was single and she wasn't involved with you and he offered to fly her off to some remote island paradise for a week of fun and passion in the sun and sand, she'd be all over it. ....but she's not single, he's not single, you are involved and real life is still real life.

 

 

he's obviously wanting some side poontang. whether she is wanting some side poontang or wanting to be side poontang is also questionable. seeing how she is in the process of divorcing she might be. .....or she may be horrified by the very idea. who knows??

 

 

- Irregardless of her level of involvement with this specific guy, I do need to caution you against counting any chickens before they hatch here. While you both may be middle aged and experienced and wise, you are both still in a state of flux. you are recently divorced and she is going through the process of divorce. What is today, may not be tomorrow.

 

 

Do not invest that which you are not willing to lose.

 

 

She may be all full of hugs and kisses and vows of love and devotion today. But that may change over night once she gets that final decree in her hand.

 

 

She may decide she wants to live the life of a free and unattached divorcee for awhile and she may or may not start off with a knock on this other guy's door.

 

 

Whether this guy even exists or not the truth remains that your GF is very high risk at the moment even if nothing materializes with this other guy or not.

 

 

And it's not just about whether she bangs anyone else or not. She may just simply decide she's had enough relationship hassles for awhile and wants to lay around on the couch eating Ben and Jerrys in her pajamas for weeks on end and doesn't want to put up with any man's crap.

 

 

My suggesting is to expect the unexpected but yet expect nothing. Don't invest any part of your heart that you don't want to get broken. Don't expect her to act like a 25 year old single woman looking for marriage and commitment because she is not. She is a 40something year old woman that's already had marriage and family and commitment etc and she may want a nice steady BF to rub her feet and tell her she's great one day and then want nothing to do with a man around the next.

 

 

She may want to bang this guy in the mechanical room of neighborhood pool just to prove she can. or she may think he is just a buffoon and likes to yank his string.

 

 

at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and look out for you best interests. don't invest what you aren't willing to lose.

[oldshirt]

I say 5. She fancies him and enjoys the attention she gets but is not doing anything more with him (but maybe could).

 

She is in her 40s and come out of a marriage (maybe one in which she was unappreciated) not too long ago. I'm sure she very much appreciates the attention from attractive men. No sin in that. I'm sure if there was a sexy younger women in your apartment complex who was a little flirty with you, you'd love it and would do similar to your gf, and not think you were going too far, or had any intention of cheating on your gf.

Yeah she fancies this wealthy guy. I'd say if this guy was single there could be a good chance things would not work out with you and she'd be on him. From what you have posted though, its too much to assume for sure its anything more than what you see and I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt that she is into you and is only sexing you. You are secure and have your wits about you, which is good, so just keep monitoring the situation.

 

 

 

ascendotum said in a couple paragraphs what I needed a whole page to say.

 

 

So I'll just say Ascendotum said ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[road]

I appreciate the responses, but basically what I am hearing is that I should break up with her on a suspicion.

 

...Or I should just deal with this feeling.

 

These are equally unappealing options.

 

Is there a surefire way to read other signs? I do not want to think about hiring a detective, so that is out. And I am not the stalker type. So ixnay on that.

 

I need insights, ideas, answers. I do not want to settle down with this woman only to find that my earliest gut instinct turned out to be true.

 

 

 

 

 

She is still married.

 

 

She is cheating on her BH with you.

 

 

She would never cheat the person she is cheating with on her BH.

 

 

How do you know this?

 

 

Because "she" is in love with you and what you to have is so special, barf, barf, barf, on no, I just started a barfarama.

[firmness]

I wrote some responses to some specific points above.

 

 

Here are some of my general thoughts and impressions in no particular order -

 

 

- She and this guy do have a certain degree of chemistry and attraction. whether it's problematic or not is the real question.

...

at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and look out for you best interests. don't invest what you aren't willing to lose.

 

Wow. Talk about food for thought. This is brilliant and insightful. Thanks oldshirt.

 

I am in a holding pattern. She is talking future. I enjoy those talks. But I have been clear that I will never ever marry again. So that is that. She is amazing, but as others have pointed out, she is fresh out of a relationship and she may need time and room to "breathe".

 

I am okay with that for now. But ultimately, I want someone who keeps promises. Overall Loyalty is more important to me than the one disloyal act of cheating. Loyalty is larger than that, and cheating is just one transgression.

 

Feeling the weight of all of this. I have some thinking to do.

 

Thanks for the help.

[2sunny]

He dropped by her apartment to just say hi?

 

He knew where she lives,why? When did he learn where she lives, why was it important to tell him?

 

How often does he "drop by"?

 

You need ask her hard questions - and you should expect direct answers - like yes or no.

 

Ask her a ton of questions.

 

Why must she hug him longer than others?

Has she ever passionately kissed him?

Has he ever done oral on her? Has she on him?

Has he seen her breasts, touched them?

Has she had sex with him?

Why does she know private and personal (inappropriate) information regarding his wife/marriage?

 

You need specific answers.

 

Your healthy may be at risk - you need to know.

 

Don't settle for her lame vague answers. And don't assume she's not involved with him too!

 

Why did her marriage end? Did she ever cheat while married?

 

You may not be insecure - but you don't want to be stupid. You have a right to know what's going on.

[firmness]

 

You need ask her hard questions - and you should expect direct answers - like yes or no.

 

Ask her a ton of questions.

 

I have a significant amount of dating and life experience. I am not smarter or wiser than anyone else, I have just experienced a lot of life.

 

One thing I know with absolute certainty- if someone is doing something covert/sneaky/dishonest, they will never admit to it with a simple question. EVER.

 

A man might come clean under such circumstances, but I have yet to meet the woman who would. Besides, if I am wrong and she did not do anything, this will give her something to resent me for.

 

Another thing that experience has taught me: Do not accuse someone of something without hard evidence.

 

Thanks for the advice, but asking is out of the question.

 

That is why I am here. Hoping that someone has an idea I haven't thought of.

[Darren Steez]

Thanks Darren. Your words are the other half of my brain saying the very same things. This is why I am here.

 

For now, I have resolved to just keep it casual. It is fun, the sex is great, and I am really happy. Unfortunately for me, I also have a very strong sensible side. It makes it easier for me to walk away than I think most men.

 

That sounds good, but it has a down side. It makes me quit early if I sense foolishness. Nothing is worse than a foolish woman. They are not always easy to detect.

 

So my plan seem to be to lay low and enjoy this. She has been through a lot and she deserves to have her life. I am here for this part of it.

 

We will have to have a very difficult conversation at some point in the future when she starts asking for a commitment. YOu know as well as I do that every woman does this eventually.

 

But she is sowing the seeds of the undoing of trust. She does not see it that way - she sees it as her establishing her own boundaries and exercising her freedom.

 

So be it. I really do honestly respect that.

 

But I have learned in the most intense ways, repeatedly and painfully, from the women in my life that cheating is more than just having sex - and that it is ALWAYS a deal breaker.

 

I am sad to acknowledge what is in my heart... this relationship will not likely survive this feeling I have. Be it her fault or my own.

 

That my friend is the greatest radar most men aren't born with, even those that do have it, don't have the b*lls to use it to recognize red flags and walk away.

 

She seems to me like she's a bit of a schemer. She's recognized she's got a long term catch with you but she has something burning for this other man.

Sort of akin to two people having a conversation face to face but one person's feet are pointed towards the door.

 

Thing is, moving forward, what are you going to do? Insist she doesn't see him? Whenever he comes over, she'll be looking into his eyes, laughing cutely and flicking her hair and when he leaves she wraps her arms around him slowly and holding him tight..she'll be your wife/fiancee by then, would you be ok with that?

 

No sir, use that great sensibility you have. It's not a downside at all, it's a pain in the ass and a time saver. Better to get it right than suffer the consequences later on.

[Friskyone4u]

This is obviously bothering you or you would not be posting about it. Your gut is telling you there are some red flags and you are right. The problem is what do you do about it??

If asking is out of the question your choices are very limited. You have to wait for some other sighs or events to give you more reason to ask. He lives in close proximity so it will be easy for her if she wants to.

From what you have described I would be real concerned if I were you. If he makes a serious move I believe she will go for it especially when she becomes a divorcee.

You will be on limbo on this until you either find out more evidence or forget about it if you will not bring it up to her.

I don't think you will find magic bullet of solution here. Just my opinion