babybear Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Hi, I've been with my bf for 2 years now. A year ago he did the unthinkable and cheated on me. It was devastating, and we broke up. I thought it was for good...but after some time I decided to try and work it out. Anyhow, we got back together, but I often went out with an ex bf on the side, and we slept together, went out, hung out, whatever. I really did want to work it out with my ex, but I was so angry still, and I guess I figured that I couldn't make it any worse! Anyway, this went on for quite a while. For some reason, I justified it every time, and thought that I had every right in the world to have the best of both worlds. Now it's been a whole year since my ex and I have gotten back together, and I have begun to stop seeing him as a cheater, and I'm remembering the person I fell in love with in the first place. In fact, he's more lovable than ever. We're both 24, and I could see us together for a long time. I don't see my other ex anymore, and I am 100% committed now. I think this is what some ppl would call a revenge affair. My bf has no clue...and I want to know if I should tell him. Half of me wants a totally clean slate, but the other half doesn't want to stir up drama. What to do? Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 thats a hard one! If your relationship is looking like it would be going to the next level - well what would he do if he found out from someone else?. That's the thing - not telling him runs the risk of him finding out from someone other than you which would be more drama. I think you should tell him, and tell him it was a revenge affair. My husband did that to me and I had to forgive him because of what I did (another long story). Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
kim874 Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 What is the more disturbing scenario--admitting what you did now, before you are engaged/married to this man, and not being able to know what his reaction will be? Or worrying for months or years on end that your then fiancee/husband may find out what happened years ago, and feeling guilty about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 I don't feel anxious that he'll find out...he and my ex-bf would never get together to talk about who was dating me when. I guess I just feel like I should come clean because I feel guilty about keeping such a huge secret inside! I know that I felt like a fool when I realized that some ppl I knew already knew that my bf cheated on me, and I feel bad that he doesnt know. I guess usually you want to get away with it...but I don't think that getting away with it is all that satisfying. But then I run the risk of making him insecure and upset and maybe that isn't worth it. I'm not sure if he would understand my motivations...i'm not an unfaithful person by nature...but I couldn't stand to be the faithful, good, loving gf, while he was cheating. I guess it was an eye for an eye thing...which in a relationship is a no-no. Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Hello, I think if you truly love him you will come clean and be honest with him. It is interesting that he cheated on you for a short time but you cheated on him for a prolonged period and now feel justified in not being honest with him. If you do not have honesty in your relationship then what do you really have? Why do you feel it is acceptable for you to have discussed his affair with him but not discuss your affair with him? By not being honest with him you are still disrespecting him and your relationship. It seems extremely unfair and slefish of you. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you want to be kept in the dark? Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 It's really easy for disinterested people to say, "Come clean", and I know you think you can just put it in the past and forget about and and you probably think that by telling him that you'll risk losing him forever. But here's the thing: when it comes to relationships, there are rarely gray areas on "right" and "wrong". This is no different. It's wrong to cheat. Period. Furthermore, if you cheat, it's wrong to continue the deception. While the cheating was wrong, coming clean is the right thing to do. It might hurt, and it might suck, and yes, you might risk losing him, but you do need to tell him. Even though he cheated on you in the past, by your taking him back after your hiatus you had at least tacitly forgiven him, i.e., started from scratch. Maybe he'll forgive you and you can do the same. Whatever - that's out of your hands now. He should given that you've given him a second chance after his indiscretion. I just can't understand why people would justify (a) being unfaithful, and (b) hiding the infidelity. Everyone knows that it's wrong to do so, yet they somehow rationalize it to serve their own self-interest. Being in a committed relationship means putting the other person's feelings ahead of your own from time to time, and yes, doing the right thing, not just the thing that you think will make the relationship last longer for you. I don't know if this makes any sense or not, but I don't see this as a debatable issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts