ChocolateBunny Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 So me and my boyfriend have been together for a year. All was great at first, except for the fact that we lived thousands of miles away. Things started getting really rocky a few months into the relationship, and we were just constantly fighting and crying our hearts out over the phone. We now live together (I moved all the way across the country to be with him), and things just went from bad to worse. I have caught him in endless lies, and have reason to believe that he's cheated on me. Of course, when I confront him about it, he just denies it. When I ask him why he lied to me, or why he did this or that, he always says "I don't know". He never has a clear answer for anything. I really don't think I should be posting the details of what he's done, but let's just say that I've never cried more or felt worse in my entire life. But recently, anytime we get in any kind of argument, or anytime he sees that I'm upset but don't want to talk to him about it (which is a lot), he becomes really violent. Not with me, but with himself. He will start punching himself in the head really hard, leaving bumps and a throbbing headache. Sometimes he bangs his head against the wall, or punches a wall. His family has a long history of domestic violence, and I can't say I don't fear for my own safety sometimes. I always try to calm him down, but I get scared that he's going to turn on me at any point. I've thought about breaking up so many times, and I just can't get myself to do it... I don't know if it's because I really love him, or because I'm scared of what he'll do to me or himself. I'm just really confused and have no one to talk to. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 I don't know if it's because I really love him, or because I'm scared of what he'll do to me or himself. You are most likely in "love" with the image that you have created in your mind. You have a toxic attachment to this guy. It isn't love. Love doesn't make you feel this way nor does it treat you this way. Yes, be afraid of what he may do to you -- and that means you do not stick around and wait for it to happen but you walk away and give yourself the opportunity to eliminate the risk of it happening. You are not his mother, his guardian, his protector or his savior. You are not accountable for his actions. If you are concerned about what he may do to himself, then when you leave, contact his parents and let them know what has been going on. Shut the door and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Read your own thread's title. It includes the words "cheating" and even worse the word "violence". So unless masochism is one of the things you desperately need in your everyday life, leave him. If you remain saying that "you just can't do it" then there's nothing we or anyone else can do for you. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I can't believe you actually need to ask!! Put on your big girl pants and move on. Don't be scared of what will happen when you leave....believe me what will happen if you stay is waaaaaaay scarier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Please have a read of the link below. Scroll down and read the post I made a couple of days ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/467936-question-women-who-ve-been-abusive-relationships Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Why would you consider staying? Link to post Share on other sites
oz-missy Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Run. Away. Now. You are in a foreign part of the country, I assume away from family and friends. He is in total control. Granted at the moment he is assaulting himself but how long before he turns on you instead? Don't risk your safety because of "love". If someone actually loves you they would not be cheating on you, nor would they resort to violence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChocolateBunny Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 Please have a read of the link below. Scroll down and read the post I made a couple of days ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/467936-question-women-who-ve-been-abusive-relationships Wow. The list was really a shocker to me. I guess I never really realized how many of those characteristics he has until I saw them all lined up like that. Thank you for this. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Wow. The list was really a shocker to me. I guess I never really realized how many of those characteristics he has until I saw them all lined up like that. Thank you for this. This book made me figure out what the hell was going on in my relationship. Mine was mild and I wasn't happy to let it happen. Please go look for the free kindle book that I posted earliy on in that linked post too You can get a free kindle app on a phone or pc and the book The Jealousy Game by Mandy White is free on Amazon. Also both are free in the USA. You're welcome. x Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChocolateBunny Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 I just thought I would give everyone a little update. I finally decided to end the relationship about two months ago. I found out that he cheated with 8 girls, multiple times each (that he admitted to after I found out from other people and confronted him about it). I had to live with him for about a month after that, because it took some time to plan my move back home, 2000 miles away. So I have been away from him for about a month now, and it has been the hardest thing. We still kept in touch, which was obviously a huge mistake. So I decided to initiate the No Contact rule. I am currently on day three of no contact and it has been incredibly painful and extremely hard to deal with all of this at once. I will be posting on other threads for advice and support. Hopefully this all goes well! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Congratulations on your breakup, you're free again. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I just thought I would give everyone a little update. I finally decided to end the relationship about two months ago. I found out that he cheated with 8 girls, multiple times each (that he admitted to after I found out from other people and confronted him about it). I had to live with him for about a month after that, because it took some time to plan my move back home, 2000 miles away. So I have been away from him for about a month now, and it has been the hardest thing. We still kept in touch, which was obviously a huge mistake. So I decided to initiate the No Contact rule. I am currently on day three of no contact and it has been incredibly painful and extremely hard to deal with all of this at once. I will be posting on other threads for advice and support. Hopefully this all goes well! Good for you! It takes a lot of courage to walk away; you've saved yourself another world of heartache. Please continue to share your experiences as other women can look to you as an example of how to get the strength to leave a toxic mess. Bravo, girl Link to post Share on other sites
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