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Long-term relationship...unsure of feelings


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Old 23rd August 2004, 2:17 PM   #1
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Question Long-term relationship...unsure of feelings

I'm having a difficult time figuring out my feelings for my boyfriend right now. We have been together for almost 3 years, and he is just amazing. We "get" each other and we've recently moved in together, despite my parents' strong feelings against it. (I'm 23.) My problem is that I feel very unsure about what I want now.

We have a long and rather rocky past, which we've worked hard to get beyond. (Many problems occurred in the first year, but things have gotten better since.)

I guess my question is: Is this normal? We've been kind of "off" for the past 2 months or so, to the point that I still feel that he is my best friend, but I feel like I've lost a lot of the romantic feelings for him. I don't know if it's because since moving in together, we've been spending more time with our friends and less time with each other (because we do need SOME space), and we don't have the romantic elements of dating present anymore (and we're more in a "married" type of situation), or if it's because my feelings are truly just changing for him. 6 months ago I was ready to marry him and now I wonder if I'd be happier with somebody who wasn't SO exhausted at the end of every day, and had a different job, and who I didn't have this type of a past with.

Can somebody who has been in long-term relationships tell me if they get these feelings from time to time? I don't know if this is a passing phase that will get better or a sign that maybe it's time to move on. (He is only my second serious boyfriend, so does this mean that I need more experience?) Thank you so much for your help and insight!
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Old 23rd August 2004, 7:18 PM   #2
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I don't know that I can offer too much advice, but I can say that I have experienced many of the same things. I have only had 2 serious boyfriends and I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 years now. We also moved in together when I was 23 (I'm 26 now) and my parents also weren't too approving. It sounds like your boyfriend works a lot, as does mine. I definitely went through periods of time when I had many doubts just like you. I always felt like I was analyzing our relationship trying to decide if it was "right" for me and it always seemed like he never really thought twice about our relationship. I also felt ignored from time to time. I ended up hanging out with another guy who seemed to constantly want to please me, wine and dine me, etc. My boyfriend didn't really mind that I was spending time with someone else because he was doing his own thing. This was about 2 years ago and was a mistake.

Now, things couldn't be better between us. I have a renewed romantic attraction as well a deep love for him. I now feel like he will be there for me if I need him. In the past, I had an attitude like there could be someone better out there, but I'm no longer looking for someone else, just looking to make my relationship the best it can be. I think I finally understand what unconditional love for a spouse/ boyfriend is and am ready to make a lifetime commitment to work through our problems. I should mention we went to counseling together and that helped, too.

Unfortunately, I can't really say if this revelation came because I realized the other type of guy was not right for me or because I grew up or a combination of things. But I can say that communication and a willingness to meet each other's needs is really important. I don't know about your past issues, but if you truly love each other and he is a good guy deep down then I definitely think you can get past that. The truth is I think you have to be ready for a lifelong commitment before you really know. That's just my opinion because I think I was a little immature at 22, 23, 24 as it was my first taste of the real world. Good Luck!!! I hope things work out for you whatever happens!
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Old 24th August 2004, 11:14 AM   #3
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Re: Long-term relationship...unsure of feelings

Quote:
Originally posted by Guest202
Iand we don't have the romantic elements of dating present anymore (and we're more in a "married" type of situation), or if it's because my feelings are truly just changing for him. 6 months ago I was ready to marry him and now I wonder if I'd be happier with somebody who wasn't SO exhausted at the end of every day, and had a different job, and who I didn't have this type of a past with.
I'll give it my best shot. BTW, why not become a member of the site? We really could use YOUR help too.

Romance doesn't HAVE to end in any long-term relationship. I'm trying to help MY partner understand that it's importnat not to just let it all atrophy.
My wife seems to be falling out of love with me lately, but I'm just doing my own thing. If she realizes that her feelings for me have waned, then so be it. We'll have to figure something out. In your case, let me say this, The grass is not greener. It'll be novel for a time but then the reality of the relationship will settle in and you could be right back where you started, except without the first guy.

I've often thought the only way to be happy was to have a partner who was 100% compatible with you. But then I accepted that as fantasy. So you learn to cope. coping.org is a good place to learn how.

I, personally, find it insulting (for lack of a better word) when my partner is always SO exhausted at the end of the day that she has nothing left. It's as is she's saying, you're not important enough for me to save some of my strength for you. But then you learn to use an interesting concept I dreamed up one night.

Just F.U.C.K. 'em!
That's right!

F- Forgiveness, U-understanding, C- compassion, K-kindness.

It works. It may not bring your boyfriend around, but it will surely help you with your duobtful heart.

Much Love, Luck, and Happiness.

mA

Last edited by MassiveAtom; 24th August 2004 at 11:18 AM..
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