white Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I have a close, very old friend. He cheats on an industrial scale on his new wife and always has done, as he did with all his girlfriends before, and marriage has only increased his access to women somehow. It was never my business before because he always kept his girlfriends strongly away and apart from his friends, but now he's married she wants to actually be a part of his social life (go figure what she was doing marrying him at all, it's a mystery) and do married things like dinner parties. So I've come to know her somewhat. He sometimes uses me as cover for his affairs and she has contacted me either out of suspicion or because he turns his phone off and he's supposed to be with me. So I've had to lie to her, to cover his ass. To cap it off, she is in serious baby mode. Very shortly if not already I believe she will be pregnant. He hates this and it drives him to cheat more even though he's going along with it. I don't like this position I've been put in. I despise my friend for behaving this way and I feel sorry for her being treated this way, and I hate myself for lying to her to help this *******. Soon there will be a child involved, but right now there's still time for there not to be. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Put yourself in her shoes... if someone knew what he was up to would you like them to tell you? If it was me in your postion I wouldn't even hesitiate. Everyone deserves the truth and the ability to make their own life decisions based on the facts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I have a close, very old friend. He cheats on an industrial scale on his new wife and always has done, as he did with all his girlfriends before, and marriage has only increased his access to women somehow. It was never my business before because he always kept his girlfriends strongly away and apart from his friends, but now he's married she wants to actually be a part of his social life (go figure what she was doing marrying him at all, it's a mystery) and do married things like dinner parties. So I've come to know her somewhat. He sometimes uses me as cover for his affairs and she has contacted me either out of suspicion or because he turns his phone off and he's supposed to be with me. So I've had to lie to her, to cover his ass. To cap it off, she is in serious baby mode. Very shortly if not already I believe she will be pregnant. He hates this and it drives him to cheat more even though he's going along with it. I don't like this position I've been put in. I despise my friend for behaving this way and I feel sorry for her being treated this way, and I hate myself for lying to her to help this *******. Soon there will be a child involved, but right now there's still time for there not to be. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Really? Seriously? Link to post Share on other sites
SameMistakes Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 At the very least, you should tell your friend not to use you as an excuse anymore. If you feel that strongly about it, you should also have an open and honest conversation with him. Not that it will likely change his behavior, but it may help you to get things out in the open. As far as telling his wife, I disagree with the previous poster. I don't necessarily think that is your responsibility. In my opinion, it is more likely to create resentment between you and your friend (and possibly his wife) and not resolve anything. However, allowing yourself to be used as an excuse is putting yourself in the situation and that should be remedied. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HighheelsAries Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Tell your friend to stop being a douche and grow up! Why did he marry his wife if he wants to continue being a dick?Stop covering for him- it makes you complicit in his lies. I would tell his wife because she deserves to know. Rather give her the bad news than him giving her a std or worse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author white Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Really? Seriously? He is my oldest friend, from childhood. We grew up together. I've known him over 20 years. This would be a betrayal of historic proportions. It's not as morally clear as you seem to think. If I stitch him up like that he won't speak to me again. Over a woman who is happy in her ignorance anyway? They could go on to have a long happy marriage with the wool pulled over her eyes the whole time. And there's financial commitments they've made they can't walk away from. I would be responsible for driving him back to his parents home, and her into paying off a mortgage on her own or having to sell. They aren't wealthy. There are others with greater responsibility than me for uncovering it. At least one of the women he's had affairs with was a friend of his sisters, who was a bridesmaid at the wedding. You'd think his sister would tell her really. He is no master manipulator, I don't even understand how he gets away with it. All the wife has to do is open her eyes and she could bust him easily, most women would, but it's almost like she refuses. Sending me loaded messages assuming I wouldn't be in on his infidelity and might drop him in it unknowingly is bush league investigation. I'm two minutes drive away from theirs, she could roll past looking for his car any time he says he's with me, or just visit, or, she has my number and could call and demand to speak to him (I gave it to her for exactly this reason). That would all absolve me of responsibility/guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 He is my oldest friend, from childhood. We grew up together. I've known him over 20 years. This would be a betrayal of historic proportions. It's not as morally clear as you seem to think. If I stitch him up like that he won't speak to me again. Over a woman who is happy in her ignorance anyway? They could go on to have a long happy marriage with the wool pulled over her eyes the whole time. And there's financial commitments they've made they can't walk away from. I would be responsible for driving him back to his parents home, and her into paying off a mortgage on her own or having to sell. They aren't wealthy. There are others with greater responsibility than me for uncovering it. At least one of the women he's had affairs with was a friend of his sisters, who was a bridesmaid at the wedding. You'd think his sister would tell her really. He is no master manipulator, I don't even understand how he gets away with it. All the wife has to do is open her eyes and she could bust him easily, most women would, but it's almost like she refuses. Sending me loaded messages assuming I wouldn't be in on his infidelity and might drop him in it unknowingly is bush league investigation. I'm two minutes drive away from theirs, she could roll past looking for his car any time he says he's with me, or just visit, or, she has my number and could call and demand to speak to him (I gave it to her for exactly this reason). That would all absolve me of responsibility/guilt. I get your point of friendship above all else perspective. So cut the ethics in half and say while you wont rat him out you wont at the same time be complicit to give him cover. Link to post Share on other sites
JessieJ08 Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I would just tell him not to use me in his lies your his friend so why is he using you in his drama and his lies thats not very friend like at all. Another thing let him know if he cant respect you in this situation that you will be force next time she calls or texts you looking to no longer cover up, if he gets mad about this who cares he isn't a good enough friend at all to keep putting his friend in his web of lies. Another thing you can do is tell if he doesn't tell her you will because he has used you its his fault for bringing you into his personal issues and actually your being a friend by doing this because if he is so disgusted with being a father and using it as an excuse to cheat on his wife WTH he needs to grow the F up. No excuses he has wife that crap needs to be over not just for his wife but for him also and that child. It bothers you because you care about him so do what you can to let him know this crap isn't cool anymore specially since he is using you in lies. Good Luck sorry I hate when friends abuse a true friendship its just not fair to anyone Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I've been there. I told the girl cause she was a close friend of mine as well as he. They both pulled me into their BS, him by getting me to cover for him, her for constantly barraging me with questions. They shot the messenger and she accused me of trying to break them up because he convinced her it was all lies. She ended up finding out about 6 months later on her own, didn't applogize to me or anything just sent me a text saying "well I guess you were right". I managed to patch things over with both of them but the relationship with both of them hasn't been the same. They were both good friends and now they're both just cordial acquaintances. So....people have a tendency to shoot the messenger. I'd tell him that you're no longer playing his game and if he's going to continue to mess around you're not going to be a part of it. Don't want to know, don't need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 He is no master manipulator I beg to differ. He's got you wrapped around his little finger. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 A long time ago a friend of mine asked me to lie to her husband that she was at my house when she was really at her lovers and I told her flat out "hell NO!" "Don't use me as an excuse because I'm not going to carry guilt with you." Tell him how this makes you feel and you are not going to lie for him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 He is my oldest friend, from childhood. We grew up together. I've known him over 20 years. This would be a betrayal of historic proportions. It's not as morally clear as you seem to think. If I stitch him up like that he won't speak to me again. Over a woman who is happy in her ignorance anyway? They could go on to have a long happy marriage with the wool pulled over her eyes the whole time. And there's financial commitments they've made they can't walk away from. I would be responsible for driving him back to his parents home, and her into paying off a mortgage on her own or having to sell. They aren't wealthy. There are others with greater responsibility than me for uncovering it. At least one of the women he's had affairs with was a friend of his sisters, who was a bridesmaid at the wedding. You'd think his sister would tell her really. He is no master manipulator, I don't even understand how he gets away with it. All the wife has to do is open her eyes and she could bust him easily, most women would, but it's almost like she refuses. Sending me loaded messages assuming I wouldn't be in on his infidelity and might drop him in it unknowingly is bush league investigation. I'm two minutes drive away from theirs, she could roll past looking for his car any time he says he's with me, or just visit, or, she has my number and could call and demand to speak to him (I gave it to her for exactly this reason). That would all absolve me of responsibility/guilt. Wow, I guess I can see why the two of you make such compatible friends. Here's the thing: I can see you not caring for her - I don't agree with it, but I get that's who you are. But there's about to be a child involved here, and even if you have zero humanity towards his wife, I can't imagine that the prospect of a purely innocent child born into this screwed-up web doesn't make some kind of an impression on you. It's pretty clear, even though you gamely argue against it, that you know what's the right thing to do. You claim that telling would be a huge betrayal. I ask this: since you know what's right, aren't you betraying yourself by not doing something? Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 He is my oldest friend, from childhood. We grew up together. I've known him over 20 years. This would be a betrayal of historic proportions. It's not as morally clear as you seem to think. If I stitch him up like that he won't speak to me again. Over a woman who is happy in her ignorance anyway? They could go on to have a long happy marriage with the wool pulled over her eyes the whole time. And there's financial commitments they've made they can't walk away from. I would be responsible for driving him back to his parents home, and her into paying off a mortgage on her own or having to sell. They aren't wealthy. There are others with greater responsibility than me for uncovering it. At least one of the women he's had affairs with was a friend of his sisters, who was a bridesmaid at the wedding. You'd think his sister would tell her really. He is no master manipulator, I don't even understand how he gets away with it. All the wife has to do is open her eyes and she could bust him easily, most women would, but it's almost like she refuses. Sending me loaded messages assuming I wouldn't be in on his infidelity and might drop him in it unknowingly is bush league investigation. I'm two minutes drive away from theirs, she could roll past looking for his car any time he says he's with me, or just visit, or, she has my number and could call and demand to speak to him (I gave it to her for exactly this reason). That would all absolve me of responsibility/guilt. Don't exactly understand why you're posting then? Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) Unless it's involving a family member of mine getting cheated on, I would seriously mind my own business. The OP needs to trying to fix someone's life and just simply inform his friend that he's not going to cover up for him but leave it at that. I know how much of a straight-laced many of you posters seem into ''No tell the truth, you must inform him/her'' but I doubt many of you would do that in real life to a good friend of yours. If I had a friend that was cheating that still wouldn't give me the rights to interfere in his/her life. Besides the partner knowing that he/she cheated and makes a decision base on that, what on earth do I want to get out of that? Edited October 1, 2013 by samsungxoxo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author white Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 To clarify, to date I have faced questions from her only twice. The first time I just ignored for a day then gave her my number without addressing the issue. The second I merely confirmed I would pass on a message to him without explaining he wasn't with me nor had he been. I've lied only by omission. And the entire reason I'm posting about it is I feel bad for her. Don't paint me as some sort of beast or anything like him, we may be friends but we are nothing alike. To be honest I was hoping for input from people with similar experience, which if you've noticed I have got, and it's all been to keep it to myself because I won't help by doing anything. I told him some time ago not to involve me but he did it anyway, and I told him again recently after he did so. Even if he never uses me as cover again I'm still expected to socialise with them, dinners, evenings out, birthdays etc and sit there smiling and interacting with them like I don't know he's schtupping a dozen other women and she's being essentially abused. And she might come to me again. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Well if you told him you wanted out of his business but he insisted on bringing you into his business, and his wife asks you, then tell her. This is on him, not you. He sounds like a really terrible and selfish friend/husband. If he ditches your ass over it then you'll seemingly have a lot less stress and more time to spend with friends that don't cause this drama in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author white Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 If he ditches your ass over it then you'll seemingly have a lot less stress and more time to spend with friends that don't cause this drama in your life. Ha. You have no idea. We have done things him and I, shared experiences both life affirming and life destroying that put us on a level of relationship beyond most. This is no drinking buddy. He may be married and living in a nice suburban house now but that wasn't always so. We are just older. I assume the wife knows the history, hell, some of it's been while she's been in the picture. And I have scarce friends these days. Quite frankly him and his wife have been a lifeline to me recently. I am pleased for him that he has made this success of his life. There have been dark times before. Which is why I'm so angry he's pissing all over the whole thing and sabotaging everything around him, even though it's predictable, because I know what a giant **** he is. I would give body parts to be in his position. I expected his philandering to stop when he wed, he cut it out for about 9 months before the wedding but since he got married it's like all the classless women in the world are beating a path to his door, I heard there are girls that like married men before but the truth is just horrifying, that ring on his finger is like a key to a hidden reality. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Well dude, I have some friends like that too but I wouldn't put up with this. Seriously, the reality here is you have three options. Tell him to stop getting you involved and back out of the situation, tell the wife, or continue with what you've already been doing (which doesn't seem to be sitting well with you). Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Ha. You have no idea. We have done things him and I, shared experiences both life affirming and life destroying that put us on a level of relationship beyond most. This is no drinking buddy. He may be married and living in a nice suburban house now but that wasn't always so. We are just older. I assume the wife knows the history, hell, some of it's been while she's been in the picture. And I have scarce friends these days. Quite frankly him and his wife have been a lifeline to me recently. I am pleased for him that he has made this success of his life. There have been dark times before. Well then, it sounds clear that your loyalty is to him, come hell or high water. It just sucks that a child is likely to be born into this situation, to a mother who is moving forward without knowledge of her true situation, and a father who isn't what he seems. How do you rationalize that part of it? I suppose you just don't owe that kid anything, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Also worrying that he's putting the unborn kid's life in danger. Who knows what type of diseases he is bringing home from his other women. Link to post Share on other sites
JessieJ08 Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 your excuses really blow you also have people here saying they were in your situation and it ended up different when it comes down it depends on if this guy is a real friend or not? And giving that your still saying you will cover up his BS and games even tho you feel bad for his wife and you dont like what he is doing your so mad but your not doing crap about it. He isn't a friend if you standing up for having no drama in your life will make him not want to be friends with you. Come on seriously its pretty simple and then you say you dont have friends so your being involved with this because you want friends? No wonder you dont have any worthy friends you dont have the balls to stand up for yourself let alone whats right. Grow up is all I have to say seriously be a big boy so what you dont have any friends if you rat some loser out go out and make more later. Dont cry about something if your not willing to fix it Yes Im sure their are lots of ppl who have had friends or a friend pull something like this as a matter of fact my Best friend tried doing it to me and guess what today she is still my best friend. Why because we are true friends she knows I have her best interest at heart even if at times we dont agree we look out for eachother even if that means the other may be mad for awhile. Point being sorry but if thats the kinda person your friend is to lie and cheat and screw someone who loves him over why would you want to be friends with him anyways? He treats her bad what makes you think he treats anyone even friends any better Lol Link to post Share on other sites
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