JessieJ08 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Im dating a guy right now and when we were on a date something he said concerned me on the topic of cheating He said that just because a man cheats doesn't mean he doesn't love the woman he is with that he believes he can still love her and never tell this woman he cheated? And I had made the comment to me cheating is cheating if someone cheats they dont love you truly, and even if they do that version of love is nothing for a woman to be proud of then I said how would he feel if he was cheated on he said when women cheat its different that they are doing it to get back at the man usually or they dont like them. I ended up saying well as messed up as his explanation is for why men should be forgiven for cheating Im sorry but I just feel if you cheat on me I could care less about your love I cant love you anymore. Then it has me thinking why would a guy even be saying to a woman he is dating cheating is ok? and that he would hide it from the woman he so called loves I dont want to jude him because it was just talk but just curious to what other people would think if someone said this on cheating?? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Either he messed up in the past or he truly believes it, and is open to cheating. He may have cheated before (in a past relationship) and is breaking the ice some for when that fact eventually comes out. I'd get to the bottom of it though as that's just an odd comment. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Then it has me thinking why would a guy even be saying to a woman he is dating cheating is ok? It's a disclaimer. By innocuously putting it out there in a general way early-on, valid future attacks on his credibility are forestalled. I don't want to judge him because it was just talk but just curious to what other people would think if someone said this on cheating?? It's on his mind and he apparently clearly articulated his perspective on the interaction style. Hence, as the words generally would be perceived as a negative trait, I would treat them as valid and real and decide whether they match up with my own relationship style. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 You state that you are dating... I was not aware that commitment to a relationship is wise or founded at that phase, keep the options open. Or, do you have a “girlfriend/boyfriend” understanding? You conversation asks 3 main questions. First, cheating and love, they are indeed exclusive of each other for both women and men. That said, cheating is indeed a violation of an understood commitment but does that necessarily mean love is not present for the BS? Not necessarily, we have too many examples of begging for forgiveness from WS and proclamations of love. Second, are there different reasons why men and women cheat and is one gender’s actions of cheating any more hurtful than the other? Yes, for the former and a resounding no for the latter as the one being hurt is no less or more hurt than any other being cheated on, so the point of gender is moot. Third, Is he a cheater because he made that statement? No, I have been married for 15 years and my wife and I on many occasions or with friends have had the very same discussion. It hasn’t made cheaters of us yet. He may also want more security in the relationship by saying any cheating action you do to him is more hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JessieJ08 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Share Posted September 16, 2013 we were on a date we are in a relationship. When I say dating that would mean not so serious we have only been together for a couple months I see what your saying It made me think that maybe he did cheat on me and is excusing it in away I have known him for 6 months I have always said honesty is a huge deal to me in a relationship. He told me he has never cheated and also did say he agreed it is wrong for anyone to do but stuck by the excuse of a man cheating is different I did say thats not true at the end of the day it hurts the other person. making it to me the very same. this is why I felt like maybe its his way of trying to not feel guilty about something like if he could get me to agree that ok its ok for men they can be forgiven that i may forgive him without him telling me but if he thinks I would he could feel better about it Link to post Share on other sites
eddyctv Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 He may or may not be cheating, but one thing is for certain...he IS an IDIOT. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 His view is warped to put it lightly but at least he is showing his true colors early on. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Then it has me thinking why would a guy even be saying to a woman he is dating cheating is ok? and that he would hide it from the woman he so called loves I dont want to jude him because it was just talk but just curious to what other people would think if someone said this on cheating?? He could just be speaking philosophically and not talking about himself specifically. This calls for more conversation... "I was thinking about what we talked about the other day. Have you ever cheated on someone? Has anyone ever cheated on you? Do you think you have the ability to be faithful?" etc... make your questions specifically about him and gather more information. It's certainly a red flag. Not just his opinion about cheating, but that there is a different standard for women than there is for men. You may want to ask him that too... whether it is possible for a woman to cheat when she loves someone, and see what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 we were on a date we are in a relationship. When I say dating that would mean not so serious we have only been together for a couple months I see what your saying It made me think that maybe he did cheat on me and is excusing it in away I have known him for 6 months I have always said honesty is a huge deal to me in a relationship. He told me he has never cheated and also did say he agreed it is wrong for anyone to do but stuck by the excuse of a man cheating is different I did say thats not true at the end of the day it hurts the other person. making it to me the very same. this is why I felt like maybe its his way of trying to not feel guilty about something like if he could get me to agree that ok its ok for men they can be forgiven that i may forgive him without him telling me but if he thinks I would he could feel better about it I had assumed this was a new relationship, so you probably have all the answers to the questions I posted. After 6 months, you should have a pretty good idea of who he is. You could be right about him just excusing his own behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I think a man can cheat and still love his partner. But I'm not stupid enough to say that to my girl because it'd obviously mess with her head. Doesn't mean he'd do it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 He isn't rationalizing it. Simply put, if you cheat it doesn't mean you don't love your partner. Mistakes happen. Now if it was a habitual thing, then that's another story. It's sketchy for sure, don't get me wrong..... Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I've never cheated on a girl in my life. I was pointing out it's too simplistic to say that it is what it is no matter what the circumstances. I'm not chauvinistic at all but I'm glad you've been able to come to these conclusions because my opinion is different than yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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