Stay Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) What is everyone's thoughts on dating a girl who is friends with guy friends and hangs out with her ex on occasions, nothing one on one but with others. Personally I don't have a big issue with it, it makes me a bit uncomfortable because I don't know this person that well yet but I think I can look pass that. This is what I think regarding the guy friends issue, I'm not going to come in and set rules for her.. She had a life before me and she'll still have one with me. That's not going to change, boundaries may change a bit but that life that she has, she will have. Regarding the ex, it's a little unsettling also but this is where that trust between her and I builds up. They're not hanging out one on one or anything so I'm comfortable with that. This girl seems to be 100% forward with me and truthful about everything and that's a great start. But I can't find it a little worrisome sometimes.. Nothing that gets me angry over and I don't get worked up over it either. I'm just making sure I'm understanding and thinking correctly before jumping into this. Some might say they're exes for a reason and she should leave it like that but I'm very understanding so I can see where an ex is an ex but still a good person/friend. If she only sees it as that then that's good. If she's going to be unfaithful, my restrictions aren't going to stop her anyways... I've learned that you can't stop a person from doing something but it seems like you can only delay it. I might get hurt trusting someone so much but I feel like that's the only way to find the one true person. Edited September 3, 2013 by Stay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Regarding the ex, it's a little unsettling also but this is where that trust between her and I builds up. If you are just dating and not in an exclusive relationship, then you have no real say in this. If you are suppose to be in an exclusive relationship with her, then her seeing exs means that she is not really being exclusively with you, as she is still developing relationships with other romantically viable candidates. Tell her that you do not consider the two of you exclusive as long as she still sees her exs and that you reserve the option of seeing others as well until she is ready for a relationship that is really exclusive. Edited September 3, 2013 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stay Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 If you are just dating and not in an exclusive relationship, then you have no real say in this. If you are suppose to be in an exclusive relationship with her, then her seeing exs means that she is not really being exclusively with you, as she is still developing relationships with other romantically viable candidates. Tell her that you do not consider the two of you exclusive as long as she still sees her exs and that you reserve the option of seeing others as well until she is ready for a relationship that is really exclusive. Yea I don't think I have a say in this but even if we're exclusive why do you think having a friend that's an ex is an issue if there really isn't anything going on? I can partly understand a fresh ex that just recently broke up but lets say the ex was 3-4 years ago. I don't see a big of an issue to bring it up especially since a relationship is based on trust. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Yea I don't think I have a say in this but even if we're exclusive why do you think having a friend that's an ex is an issue if there really isn't anything going on? I can partly understand a fresh ex that just recently broke up but lets say the ex was 3-4 years ago. I don't see a big of an issue to bring it up especially since a relationship is based on trust. my ex sleeps on my couch....not such a good thing very hard to explain to people he tells them i am his sister and i then say no to the people he tells that....and explain truthfully, i am not related to him although he is like a younger brother even though he is actually older than me..... ......he is my ex and no we arent together....dont see the point in lying to anyone....i did explain to my ex that he has to move on because how can i possibly have someone in my life when he is on my couch...he said ill talk to them and explain.......i said no i will have to, not you.......the fact is i have no intimate feelings for him and he has no family besides me and mine........its pretty sad actually....anyway...ill probably end up moving out before him ill leave him the house and the lease..............i do understand why guys are wary of exes........and girls that have exes as friends...some of us however are legit..... if you have a problem with an ex in the future if she doesnt allow you to talk to him, then you might have cause for concern.... if she introduces you as her boyfriend and is affectionate with you in front of an ex....watch his reaction....see if he seems comfortable.i fhe doesnt seem confortable talk to her in private later......if he is...they havent had physcial contact in quite a while or he is good at hiding his feelings...honestly doubt a real man woudl stand there while his love interest was hugging and holding a current boyfriend if something was going on between them..or the ex had feelings...i know i could not even watch a guy i was interested in, huggling or smooching with someone else i would naturally turn away...possibly run .....hail a cab get the heck outta there..never to return....just a thought..............good luck....deb Edited September 3, 2013 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 If there is something subliminally sexual in the friendships then judging by the fact your are posting your question, she is not the girl for you. If it is purely friendship on her part and you trust her then there isn't a problem. Some of these male friends are going to be interested in her, that's the way it gos. She needs to be able to handle that in a way that is conducive to your relationship. Have an open, honest chat with her about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 What is everyone's thoughts on dating a girl who is friends with guy friends and hangs out with her ex on occasions, nothing one on one but with others. Personally I don't have a big issue with it, Be honest you do have a problem that is why you are here. You should have a problem with your GF. Dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 even if we're exclusive why do you think having a friend that's an ex is an issue if there really isn't anything going on? Because you have no way of knowing if anything is going on until after it happens. Once two people have crossed the line from a platonic relationship to a romantic relationship, the line never fully comes back since they have already been comfortable being sexual with each other. Also, most romantic relationships end when one party to the relationship wants it to end. Although the other party does not want it to end, they agree with it because they have no choice. It does not matter if it was the your girlfriend or her ex that ended it, odds are that one of them would like to start it up again, if not now then later. I don't see a big of an issue to bring it up especially since a relationship is based on trust. A relationship should also have healthy agreed upon boundaries in regards to opposite sex friends. Many couples have boundaries against opposite sex friends (OSF). Those that do allow for OSF almost always require that the OSF be a friend of the couple and that the other party to the couple always be made to feel welcome to join them. Another very common boundary for those that do allow for OSF is that exs cannot be friends because of the reasons I stated earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 This is a BIG RED FLAG! She wants to be in control and have options. She will test you constantly and want to make you jealous. Just date her and keep your options open. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 What is everyone's thoughts on dating a girl who is friends with guy friends and hangs out with her ex on occasions, nothing one on one but with others. Personally I don't have a big issue with it, it makes me a bit uncomfortable because I don't know this person that well yet but I think I can look pass that. This is what I think regarding the guy friends issue, I'm not going to come in and set rules for her.. She had a life before me and she'll still have one with me. That's not going to change, boundaries may change a bit but that life that she has, she will have. Regarding the ex, it's a little unsettling also but this is where that trust between her and I builds up. They're not hanging out one on one or anything so I'm comfortable with that. This girl seems to be 100% forward with me and truthful about everything and that's a great start. But I can't find it a little worrisome sometimes.. Nothing that gets me angry over and I don't get worked up over it either. I'm just making sure I'm understanding and thinking correctly before jumping into this. Some might say they're exes for a reason and she should leave it like that but I'm very understanding so I can see where an ex is an ex but still a good person/friend. If she only sees it as that then that's good. If she's going to be unfaithful, my restrictions aren't going to stop her anyways... I've learned that you can't stop a person from doing something but it seems like you can only delay it. I might get hurt trusting someone so much but I feel like that's the only way to find the one true person. I think your attitude is healthy. You have to decide whether her values match up with yours, and if you can't deal with a gf who has guy friends and friendship with an ex, she isn't the one for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 You have to decide whether her values match up with yours, and if you can't deal with a gf who has guy friends and friendship with an ex, she isn't the one for you. When you say "can't deal with", it makes it sound like it is an inability rather than a choice. If you substitute "don't want to deal with" for "can't deal with", I would agree with this statement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 When you say "can't deal with", it makes it sound like it is an inability rather than a choice. If you substitute "don't want to deal with" for "can't deal with", I would agree with this statement. OK, sure. Don't want to deal with then. FWIW, I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" when it comes to opposite-sex friendships when in a relationship. It is up to the two people involved to determine if they have compatible attitudes about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stay Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Thanks for all the replies, I was just wondering to see if my mindset is correct. I will make sure the girl knows to be 100% truthful with me and can tell me anything, good or bad. It's better to know what's going on than not. As for this specific girl no she doesn't hang out with her ex like that behind my back or anything. She knows she won't like it so neither will I. She does have exes that are friends though but those are long gone and they're exes for a reason. Nothing close either, just no bad blood between them. Casual hi, how are you, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I'm friends with some of my exes, and have plenty of guy friends I hang out with. I have never been unfaithful to anybody in my entire life. If a guy didn't want me to hang out with exes, I'd respect that. I couldn't promise not seeing them in group situations though, how would that even work? She drops out of a group of friends because her ex sometimes attends social gatherings? If a guy expected me not to hang out with my male friends, one on one or in a group, then I'd tell him to jump... Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 What is everyone's thoughts on dating a girl who is friends with guy friends and hangs out with her ex on occasions, nothing one on one but with others. I don't see why there would be a problem with that at any point in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytwowheels Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Man, guys are lucky to be entitled to be so picky. I find it amusing how militant so many guys are in this forum regarding girls talking to their exes. That's not entirely true. My gf is still facebook friends with a few of her exes and I have a few of mine as well. I in general parted on decent terms with my exes, so while I don't really care about them as much now, I don't mind seeing how they're doing. We do not message our exes, because it just isn't kosher to us. Redrover you're a bit militant yourself in being quick to point out mens faults. So it's really ironic that you feel that men are jaded against women. Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
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