What's my problem

[bictric]

I think I have a problem. I always get uncomfortable when my gf befriends a guy who is attracted/likes her. I know that I trust her not to stray, but I don't trust the guy. Knowing that the other person is harboring this attraction for her while she maintains a friendship with him makes me uneasy. I tend to think he only wants friendship because he is attracted to her, and is just always waiting for a chance to get with her, using the friendship just to maintain closeness and get a foot in the door. It's hard for me to accept that friendship, even if the guy backs off after knowing that my gf is in a relationship. It also makes me upset that she would want begin this friendship with him and add this complication (for me) into our relationship.

 

Now, I'm aware that these feelings are detrimental to the relationship, and they make me want to control her relationships. I just want to know what other people think and help me flesh out the underlying issue I have, whether it's jealousy, insecurity, etc.

[twixed]

Bictric,

 

It all comes down to her, if she seems to be the type of person you can trust. A lot of women thrive on that kind of attention, but its difficult to tell if they are the type to end it with you first, before she cheats.

 

Sorry I don't have good news, but it could be worse I suppose. Definitely bring it up with her that it makes you uncomfortable that she engages men who want her sexually. Communication is so important in relationships. Maybe you two can work out a compromise.

 

Good luck.

[emva07]

It really does come down to her.

 

Likes the attention, and doesn't want to burn her bridges. You guys breakup, she has options lined up.

[bictric]

Thanks for the responses.

 

She really is a person I can trust, there's no doubt about that. The reason I'm posting about this is because there is a guy she met who was interested in her from the get go; it was obvious. According to her, he has backed off and been respectful when she made it clear she has a boyfriend. Since then she has found him worthy of friendship because she thinks he is a good person.

 

Now, it all comes down to her to enforce and maintain boundaries with him, and I trust her to do that. But why should I have to be comfortable with her befriending someone who is obviously attracted, albeit respectful? That's the part that gets me. Imagining how he will treat her and the things he would do for her out of attraction drives me nuts. But I also know that nothing serious will happen between them; just an attracted friend hanging around. Do I just have to accept this for the sake of being fair?

[Chi townD]

I feel ya dude. You want to trust her and you feel like you can. But, this guy feels like a vulture hanging around your relationship. Which makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. That as soon as you two have a small fight, this asshat is going to swoop in to be a shoulder to cry on...blah...blah...

 

So, you need to communicate how you're feeling to her about this whole situation. If there was a girl that everyone knew had the hots for you, would she be okay with her hanging around?

[KathyM]

I don't think you have to accept this guy as being part of her life. People have a right to establish and enforce boundaries that protect their relationship. It's actually pretty common that, when a relationship hits a rough patch, the orbiters pounce on the opportunity to get romantically closer to your partner, and use it to their advantage. They are waiting around for just that opportunity to arise. I think you have every right to discuss boundaries with her, and say that you are not comfortable with her spending time with a guy who has a romantic interest in her, and that you would prefer that she end the relationship with him. Nothing wrong with saying that. And if she is going to not value you enough to respect that boundary, and values keeping this guy in her life when it is a threat to your relationship, then I'd suggest giving her her walking papers. First step is talking about boundaries with her, and having respect for your relationship by not inviting these orbiters who have a crush to be in any kind of relationship with her.

[bictric]

Thank you for the perspective and advice. I will be talking to her about this tonight. I actually brought it ip last night but we weren't able to fully discuss it since she was sleepy. She was kind of having a hard time understanding why I would want her to end the friendship, and put up a little resistance. I think my problem is whenever I meet resistance I tend to give way easily and not stand by my concerns, for fear of being controlling. Thanks again for the help guys.

[Try]

I tend to think he only wants friendship because he is attracted to her, and is just always waiting for a chance to get with her, using the friendship just to maintain closeness and get a foot in the door.

It may actually be worse than that, in that he may not be just be waiting around. Google "how to steal a woman from her man" and you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. These sites tell you that no one is perfect so no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. For example, one site said "Cause/encourage the breakup. If you followed earlier steps, she should talk to you about the mistakes her boyfriend makes. If it's serious, let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her". Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in. Sooner or later she will mention something negative about her boyfriend and when she does you need to agree with her and say something that suggests you would not do what her boyfriend did if you had a girlfriend.”

 

Your girlfriend is letting this other man get his foot in the door. She is giving herself the chance to get to know him better. As one site advised (and this is common advice) “She isn't going to leave her boyfriend for someone she doesn't know, or hasn't known for long. Most of the time, you'll be chasing her for a long while.” In other words, by befriending a guy that she suspects may be romantically interested in her, she is in fact still shopping and still on the market.

 

You need to set up boundaries on opposite sex friends (OSF) that require that neither of you can have OSF that are not friends of the couple and friends of both parties in the couple. Since this guy is not also your friend or a friend of the couple, he is out of there. If she has long term OSF, she needs to introduce them to you and they must make a sincere effort to also be your friend, and make it clear that they support the relationship.

Edited August 19, 2013 by Try

[emva07]

yep. What TRY said. Not trying to burn her bridges. Whenever there is problem in paradise, he will lend his shoulder to cry on, bit by bit the grass will be greener on the other side.

 

I know we all want to be modern and think this is the new thing and that we are ok with it, but come on, we are the same red blooded humans we were were a century ago. There was a survey done somwhere where 100 girls were asked can guys and girls be friends? Almost all females said yes, like 90 something males said no.

 

But if she genunily just had a frienship with him she would want you two to meet, hang out, become friends as well, etc.

 

If you were the one who had a really close female friend she'd prob throw a fit and expect the same for you. Always easier when the shoe is on the other foot though.

 

I understand you don't want to seem controlling, but you are going to the other extreme, and just watching on the sidelines. If something bothers you you have to at least let the other person know, not keep your mouth shut.

[bictric]

I'm glad my feelings are validated and legitimate. What I forgot to mention that makes things harder for us is that we are in a cross-country long-distance-relationship right now for the next four years due to graduate school. That would make meeting and spending time with any of her new friends an impossibility.

 

I think being in an LDR not only already puts a strain on things, but also amplifies any problems/issues that arise. That's why I feel like we should both be extra careful and diligent in enforcing boundaries, like in this situation.

[Try]

What I forgot to mention that makes things harder for us is that we are in a cross-country long-distance-relationship right now for the next four years due to graduate school. That would make meeting and spending time with any of her new friends an impossibility.

If meeting and spending time with her new friends is an impossibility, then you are not seeing her enough to cement your own relationship with her. Sorry to say, but every man that is interested in her that can see her regularly, has home field advantage over you. If I where not married and interested in your girlfriend, I would view her as not really taken. The odds of the two of you lasting 4 years as a couple are not good.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for the responses.

 

She really is a person I can trust, there's no doubt about that. The reason I'm posting about this is because there is a guy she met who was interested in her from the get go; it was obvious. According to her, he has backed off and been respectful when she made it clear she has a boyfriend. Since then she has found him worthy of friendship because she thinks he is a good person.

 

Now, it all comes down to her to enforce and maintain boundaries with him, and I trust her to do that. But why should I have to be comfortable with her befriending someone who is obviously attracted, albeit respectful? That's the part that gets me. Imagining how he will treat her and the things he would do for her out of attraction drives me nuts. But I also know that nothing serious will happen between them; just an attracted friend hanging around. Do I just have to accept this for the sake of being fair?

 

this is what i know, your gf will have lots of men attracted to her in her life.......whether they are her friends is irrelevant........

 

 

there could be a guy in the supermarket....or a guy who changes her tyre for her on the side of the road, a guy who she meets in a library, or a guy who visits her workplace to drop off some mail.....could be anywhere any time, and any place that men will be attracted to your girlfriend and some of them will or might make a move....and one of those guys might look similar to you or have yoru manner or think like you,and she might consider them to be sweet......or cute or find them hot....this is what makes the difference.......

 

 

her level of commitment to you, her respect for you, her love for you, her loyalty to you, if this is all there....you will never have to worry about any guy temptation is part of relationships...........all people, married or in a relationship might or will have temptation and opportunity to cheat and stray........

 

if it is a a friend of hers.....or the guy standing behind her at the check out.....if she is trust worthy and you feel it in your heart...let that feeling help you have faith.....it si fact that guys will hit on women in relationships and if they do ....a committed partner...will set them straight........deb

Edited August 19, 2013 by todreaminblue

[bictric]

If meeting and spending time with her new friends is an impossibility, then you are not seeing her enough to cement your own relationship with her. Sorry to say, but every man that is interested in her that can see her regularly, has home field advantage over you. If I where not married and interested in your girlfriend, I would view her as not really taken. The odds of the two of you lasting 4 years as a couple are not good.

 

Let me correct my statement: It wouldn't be an impossibility, as I do plan to visit her several times throughout the year. What I meant was spending any significant time and being a regular presence in her and her friends' lives, isn't going to be possible. I am aware this gives other guys an upper-hand, which is why enforcing boundaries in this situation is even more important.

 

As for the success of our LDR, that's an entirely different story. I'm going to play the odds

 

todreaminblue, I'm totally aware that many men will be attracted to her, I don't blame them I just particularly feel that it's unnecessary to introduce a possible threat into our relationship.

Edited August 19, 2013 by bictric

[LoveIs]

You should trust her. If you don't, she should dump you. It's up to HER to enforce those boundaries if someone is not respecting that she just wants to be friends with them. Not you.

 

What Deb said is right. People are going to be attracted to her. If she feels like she has to give up her friends, then what is next? Averting her eyes from someone checking her out at the grocery store?

Edited August 21, 2013 by LoveIs

[Try]

You should trust her. If you don't, she should dump you. It's up to HER to enforce those boundaries if someone is not respecting that she just wants to be friends with them. Not you.

Although it is up to her to enforce her boundaries with other men, it is up to him to enforce the boundaries that define the exclusive nature of their relationship. At its core, being exclusive means that you will stop exploring relationship options with people of the opposite sex that are romantically interested in you. If she continues to explore a relationship with this other man knowing that he wants more than just a friendship with her, then she is crossing a boundary that should not be crossed if they want to continue being in an exclusive relationship. Look, you either are in an exclusive relationship or you are not. No one if force her to be in an exclusive relationship with her boyfriend and if she wants to continue to explore her options with other men including this particular other man (OM), then she needs to be honest and say that she no longer wants to be in an exclusive relationship.

 

Right now she says that does not have romantic feelings for him, even though he has romantic feelings for her. By spending time with him without the boyfriend, she is allowing him the opportunity to court her in an attempt to change her mind in getting her to have romantic feelings for him. She cannot control how she feels, and should she become confused about her feelings, there will be no one to enforce that he remains respectful. Being in an exclusive relationship is suppose to prevent the opportunity for such confusion, with the goal of allowing them the opportunity to develop their relationship in a healthy environment. Allowing either to have a viable plan B ready and waiting in the wings to exploit the fact that the partner is human and thus not perfect, is not healthy.

 

He does not have to hate her or stop dating her, to end the exclusive nature of their relationship, but she either wants it to be exclusive for both of them or she does not.

Edited August 21, 2013 by Try

[todreaminblue]

Let me correct my statement: It wouldn't be an impossibility, as I do plan to visit her several times throughout the year. What I meant was spending any significant time and being a regular presence in her and her friends' lives, isn't going to be possible. I am aware this gives other guys an upper-hand, which is why enforcing boundaries in this situation is even more important.

 

As for the success of our LDR, that's an entirely different story. I'm going to play the odds

 

todreaminblue, I'm totally aware that many men will be attracted to her, I don't blame them I just particularly feel that it's unnecessary to introduce a possible threat into our relationship.

 

I understand that bic, and in a relationship that is loving and exclusive those boundaries need to be firm, i really do feel though that when people are the type to stray then they will always stray , threats come often i prefer to call it temptation .....and i do agree with you if a partner feels threatened and that reason he feels threatened then to me, you would remove that threat.....a partner should aways come first, i do beleive that if you completely trust the person you are with that helps with feeling threatened, because you knwo in yoru heart if your partner was constantly asked to stray that threat would then no longer be part of a friendship circle with your gf.....she would end the friendship off because the boundaries were crossed due to that your gf,yourself and the relationship was not respected that to me is what a trustworthy partner would need and want to do....i wish you well....deb

[Keke1]

Thanks for the responses.

 

She really is a person I can trust, there's no doubt about that. The reason I'm posting about this is because there is a guy she met who was interested in her from the get go; it was obvious. According to her, he has backed off and been respectful when she made it clear she has a boyfriend. Since then she has found him worthy of friendship because she thinks he is a good person.

 

Now, it all comes down to her to enforce and maintain boundaries with him, and I trust her to do that. But why should I have to be comfortable with her befriending someone who is obviously attracted, albeit respectful? That's the part that gets me. Imagining how he will treat her and the things he would do for her out of attraction drives me nuts. But I also know that nothing serious will happen between them; just an attracted friend hanging around. Do I just have to accept this for the sake of being fair?

 

LaughOutLoud

[giblesp]

You have no underlying issues, your reactions are perfectly normal. If I honestly feel my partners male friend is looking for more, I just say it. She doesn't like it when male friends are looking for more either, as it's not a real friendship.

 

There are very few men who can genuinely just be friends with a woman. Or constructively and respectively deal with any subsequent attraction.

 

If you see a man/male friend flirting with your girl, just remain calm. Gently bring it into the conversation later, never overreact. It's gong to happen and it happens all the time. But its not a big deal if you trust her, in fact you don't have to think about it at all and that's the great thing about trusting your GF

[giblesp]

I'll also add, maybe she needs to think about why she is friends with someone who is interested in her. If he's not backing down when he knows she's with someone, that's not friendship and not a good indication of character. Does she want that sort of friend? Is that a positive thing for her and her relationship?