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Girlfriend too empathetic with other men


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Two years ago I met my current "girlfriend" on a dating site. I joined the site merely to meet new friends and I was explicit about this in my profile. About a week later she introduced herself to me through the site. I thought she was strange the way she communicated (messages through the site), almost too deep with her words. In fact, I thought she was a fake person, a bot. At that point I started to message things back like "I love you" that same night and she would respond very seriously back. It was weird to me. Anyway, we ended up exchanging phone numbers that night (my insistence to prove she was real) and we ended up meeting near my place that night. We walked around and after 30 mins she grabbed my hand and kissed me. She seemed so nervous about everything I tried to make her comfortable.

 

Anyway, I was crystal clear about the fact that I only wanted to be friends. We slept together by the 2nd or 3rd night anyway and so I reminded her that I didn't want a relationship. After a few months of seeing each other she started to refer to me as her boyfriend. I told her no, that I only considered us friends. She said OK but then a week later she would refer again to me as her boyfriend. She became pushy too about wanting me to visit her family out of town and go out in public together, when we really just talked a lot and made love. I did eventually go to her place but I hated it. Her car was filthy and her home was a mess with cat hair everywhere. She was also afraid to use a normal volume to speak inside her apartment because of the fear of the neighbors. Anyway, after that, I rarely went back over and I told her why.

 

She's also into essential oils, yoga, the healing arts, and is part of the Landmark Forum. She also claims to know a Dr. with x-ray vision. I'm almost an atheist myself and I prefer coffee, not tea, etc.

 

I've never felt like things could work long term between us. She always thinks I'm looking at other women which I'm not. It wears me out, her insecurities. She's also irresponsible about things that I think are basic, such as finances or wearing clean clothes.

 

Fast forward to about 8 months ago, so a year and a half into our "friendship". At this point I gave up on trying to explain over and over and over that we were only friends. We got into an argument and I decided to just cut our ties. A few days later I called her back because I missed talking to her. She's a good listener. She came over late that night but I think we got into another disagreement about sleeping or something. (She stays up like super late and I'm in bed early.) So I asked her to leave again.

 

Now just recently, she asked me (yet again) if I was sleeping with anyone else. I told her no. I've explained that I would always be upfront about it and I expect the same of her. (She always asks because she thinks girls look at me all the time everywhere I go.) So I asked her if anyone was flirting with her. She then told me that someone from work and in one of her healing arts classes asked/texted if he could make her dinner. She said she just didn't respond. I started asking if he ever showed an interest before. She then told me that when we were "broken up" for the three days mentioned above that he came over to her house for support. (It turns out he lived 3 blocks away from her.) They watched a movie. Then he asked her if he could do some therapeutic touching, something they learned in class together. So she was laying on the floor and he was "touching" her. He then kissed her and put his hand under her shirt and touched her. She told him that that wasn't a part of the technique they learned in class and that it was wrong. He stayed a while longer. Then I called and she came over, until we had the "sleeping" argument I mentioned.

 

Recently she moved. I wasn't around so she called him to help. Since then he texted her for dinner as I mentioned.

 

Anyway, this hurts even though I think we're so different. I like a lot about her even though I feel so stifled with her sometimes. She really is unique.

 

The empathy part I mentioned above is because I think she forgave him and is still totally friendly with him at work and class. But why else would he still ask her to dinner?

 

What's funny is that he's on this dating site now too and his profile reads like a perfect match for her.

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PlumPrincess

1,5 years of sleeping and dating, but it's just a friendship??? You need to grow a spine and sort out your feelings for this girl. You probably like her, because she is so understanding of everything and everybody, but you're also leading her on if you maintain this state of limbo. Either accept her as she is and call it a relationship if you see a future together or cut her loose.

 

The other guy may sound perfect in his profile, but he behaves like a predator. Maybe he even put up a profile with a perfect matching in the hopes that she will see it.

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I think what bothers me most is that I think she should have stopped him from putting his hand under her shirt before it reached her chest, and that then she should have asked him to leave. If she was really not interested, or if the attention didn't make her feel good, then I think she should have nipped it in the bud.

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After a year and a half, that is well enough to know if you're in love with a girl. And there is no mistaking being in love.

 

If you're definitely NOT in love with her by now, you never will be. In which case, you must just really REALLY like her, and should therefore let her go so she is open to finding the right guy.

 

With you, she probably feels too strongly about you to be open to finding a man who CAN fall in love with her, and who has the capacity to truly fall for her in the way that she so deserves. She sounds like a nice girl.

 

You should be open to finding a girl you're nuts over one day; there are girls out there who you will WANT to commit to!

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You should move on and let her go. You're not into her. It's nothing to feel guilty over, it's just the reality. The only reason that you don't like this other guy is because the thought of someone else "winning out" over you hurts your ego. Also, there's probably a fear of realizing later that you want to be with her when it's too late. The remedy for this is to clean yourself off and get back out there. It's amazing how fast the RIGHT person can make you forget about the wrong ones. I urge you to defy your fear, to be a man, and to move on. Good luck.

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And one more thing... chances are that she enjoyed the touching and kissing, and she only made it sound like she didn't. It wasn't like she fought to stop it. Maybe this guy really is perfect for her. At least he's acting like a man who knows what he wants from the beginning. And women love that. Just let her go and find someone you actually like and are compatible with.

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MrBossMan, Leigh 87, thanks for the input. I saw her last night again. Yes, there is some kind of strangeness or lack of transparency or dishonesty that I sense from her even though she is calm and peaceful yet nervous.

 

For me, you can never feel 100% good about yourself if you don't take full responsibility for everything, no excuse making. She often does this, and so I think it keeps her scared and lacking confidence, and thus needing constant support groups.

 

I agree that on some level having someone interested in her at least sexually while using the same person for occasional support on issues regarding me but then claiming, like she did during her move, "who else was I going to call?" etc etc (more excuses), feels like she's being dishonest with herself. She's definitely a good person though, but because of this, I think she is too trusting or something and ultimately just irresponsible. She has occasionally admitted it too.

 

Last night I visited her at her new place. She made an effort to clean and I think this place is much better kept. Anyway, we made love. She's a pleaser so-to-speak, and I had the same frustrations I've been having for a while. I'm not able to read her. She's not clear with me about what she likes, wants, or needs. I've been vocal with her in order to amp up the experience and to get her to talk but honestly in the heat of the moment, but it's still ... something's off. I just don't feel connected physically sometimes as much as I wish we were. She denies it of course, but again, it's the same pattern to me. Being afraid to be truthful or convincing herself that she's happy with me.

 

Yeah, I'm afraid to lose her. I love some of her qualities. She's a "boring" person, not a hipster. She's grown on me.

 

But ultimately, I think this needs to end. I don't think she is used to making responsible decisions for herself and I'm very focused.

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PlumPrincess
MrBossMan, Leigh 87, thanks for the input. I saw her last night again. Yes, there is some kind of strangeness or lack of transparency or dishonesty that I sense from her even though she is calm and peaceful yet nervous.

 

For me, you can never feel 100% good about yourself if you don't take full responsibility for everything, no excuse making. She often does this, and so I think it keeps her scared and lacking confidence, and thus needing constant support groups.

 

I agree that on some level having someone interested in her at least sexually while using the same person for occasional support on issues regarding me but then claiming, like she did during her move, "who else was I going to call?" etc etc (more excuses), feels like she's being dishonest with herself. She's definitely a good person though, but because of this, I think she is too trusting or something and ultimately just irresponsible. She has occasionally admitted it too.

 

Last night I visited her at her new place. She made an effort to clean and I think this place is much better kept. Anyway, we made love. She's a pleaser so-to-speak, and I had the same frustrations I've been having for a while. I'm not able to read her. She's not clear with me about what she likes, wants, or needs. I've been vocal with her in order to amp up the experience and to get her to talk but honestly in the heat of the moment, but it's still ... something's off. I just don't feel connected physically sometimes as much as I wish we were. She denies it of course, but again, it's the same pattern to me. Being afraid to be truthful or convincing herself that she's happy with me.

 

Yeah, I'm afraid to lose her. I love some of her qualities. She's a "boring" person, not a hipster. She's grown on me.

 

But ultimately, I think this needs to end. I don't think she is used to making responsible decisions for herself and I'm very focused.

You're complaining that she is irresponsible, not honest with herself or you and what are you??? Sleeping with someone for a year and half, displaying jealousy with your friend who is not your girlfriend since you are not in a relationship. I personally think, she is a little bit wacko and naive, too much esoteric stuff for me, but she is in tune with herself, you are not.

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CrystalCastles
You're complaining that she is irresponsible, not honest with herself or you and what are you??? Sleeping with someone for a year and half, displaying jealousy with your friend who is not your girlfriend since you are not in a relationship. I personally think, she is a little bit wacko and naive, too much esoteric stuff for me, but she is in tune with herself, you are not.

 

^^^THIS^^^

 

Stop messing with her head. Stop leading her on. It's not fair to her.

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todreaminblue
I think what bothers me most is that I think she should have stopped him from putting his hand under her shirt before it reached her chest, and that then she should have asked him to leave. If she was really not interested, or if the attention didn't make her feel good, then I think she should have nipped it in the bud.

 

i am a person who forgives everyone, ill tell you what it is, if she is a sort of spiritual person into healing...you dont want to think a friend is a predator and that if you ask them to stop, they will respect you, and do as you ask, sometimes, empaths take more of what they shouldn't from others,that includes advances, she asked him to stop and he did though....which is good

 

 

I do need to say this, whether or not you think you are just her friend, to sleep together and make love.......friends don't do that.if she thinks deep......and is an empath.....its a no to sex with friendship.....sleeping with each other...i think it goes beyond boundaries of what friendship is.......i hope you work out what it is you feel for her...because honestly....you have the capacity to hurt her just as much as the guy who may be out for a good time...if he is feeling her up under the pretext of therapy....he isnt serious abotu her....you dont really want to hurt her...you sound concerned for her....you actually come across as a a bit protective of her.....best wishes in your soul searching........deb

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I am a person who is "too nice" to people too, namely guys. They would even have the audacity to make a move on me when my boyfriend was around, and I was too 'nice" to tell them to eff off! (I did not cheat, I just mean I could not directly tell them to eff off)

 

I am also irresponsible and am still doing a degree in my mid 20's.

 

I can me quiet messy, although I prefer when things are neat.

 

I also have a lot of habits that some guys would find so annoying!

 

The thing is... The right guy for me will cherish all of me, for my faults and the good stuff!!!!!!!!!!

This girl.. you know she is a nice person. I know you want the best for her. Well, there are men out there who will fall madly in love with her, will want to spend as much time as possible talking to her and seeing her, and who will want to spend their lives with her, because they have a huge urge to just.. BE with her.

 

I think it is for the best that you let her go and find a guy who is crazy about her!

 

You like her, but you're not in love with her and it sounds like you never will be!

 

Unless you have some sort of personal problem that hinders you from expressing or even feeling your feelings towards women, I would say that you are just not that crazy about her.

 

Let her go. If she is not gone already. Some women get attached to their FWB and are not able to move on to new guys, who might actually want to commit to them.

 

I would explain to her, if I were you, that: you think she is a really nice person and you want to see her happy, but that you guys should stop talking for a while so you can get over your feelings for each other; because you will never be together in a serious relationship, so you are both better off getting over what you both have, so you can move on to betters suited people.

 

 

 

.

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The Way I Am

"Girlfriend too empathetic with other men". That's gotta be top 10 for most misleading thread title ever. Was "Girl I've been stringing along for a year and a half is dating other guys and I'm selfish and jealous and claiming to have her best interests at heart while doing her more harm by continuong to string her along than the guys I'm pretending to want to protect her from" too long?

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You either want her as your gf or you don't.

 

If you do, go for it.

 

If you don't, you have no right to get mad if she dates or sleeps with other guys.

 

Honestly, you don't sound very compatible, and I would probably just let her go if I were you. Go find someone who has the same values you do.

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You either want her as your gf or you don't.

 

If you do, go for it.

 

If you don't, you have no right to get mad if she dates or sleeps with other guys.

 

Honestly, you don't sound very compatible, and I would probably just let her go if I were you. Go find someone who has the same values you do.

 

^ +1 on this. It's all been said already, but I'm chime in on that you seem to be doing more harm than good to one another. I'd let this one go-- if she's found someone that's a good match, good for her! You need to sort out what you want in a woman, and find a woman with similar interests. Not only the shallow stuff (Likes/Dislikes, hobbies, etc), but if you don't want a relationship, don't get into one. If you do want a monogamous arrangement, though, you will need to start being more honest with yourself and seek out a better match for you.

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i am a person who forgives everyone, ill tell you what it is, if she is a sort of spiritual person into healing...you dont want to think a friend is a predator and that if you ask them to stop, they will respect you, and do as you ask, sometimes, empaths take more of what they shouldn't from others,that includes advances, she asked him to stop and he did though....which is good

 

 

I do need to say this, whether or not you think you are just her friend, to sleep together and make love.......friends don't do that.if she thinks deep......and is an empath.....its a no to sex with friendship.....sleeping with each other...i think it goes beyond boundaries of what friendship is.......i hope you work out what it is you feel for her...because honestly....you have the capacity to hurt her just as much as the guy who may be out for a good time...if he is feeling her up under the pretext of therapy....he isnt serious abotu her....you dont really want to hurt her...you sound concerned for her....you actually come across as a a bit protective of her.....best wishes in your soul searching........deb

 

That's it. You're speaking her language, and I've just never experienced anyone like that or tried to articulate it. Your paragraphs are right on.

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