I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 This guy is married, and has been after me for almost two years. I work with him, and would only see him every once in a while, but he is married, which I am very well aware of. Because I work with him, and because he is married, I have just been my normal self, and kind to him when he has been kind to me, but have never given into his advances. What does it mean if a married man is chasing another woman, and continuing to do so for almost 2 years? Please help and offer advice, it would help me alot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 Really? It means hes a d-bag. No, he's a very kind person, who has been very good to me, and helped me out on many occasions when I was extremely upset, and even lent money to me. He's married though. Why is he still chasing me for almost 2 years? I'm lost and confused, please help Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I have just been my normal self' date=' and kind to him[/quote'] To some married men, this IS an invitation to further advancement. No, he's a very kind person, who has been very good to me, and helped me out on many occasions when I was extremely upset, and even lent money to me. Okay, these are HUGE red flags... Why are you accepting money from a married man? And why, when you are upset, are you confiding in a married man? Sweetheart, THESE are the reasons he is still chasing you -- because you are letting him. Stop confiding in him. Stop accepting his money (in fact, have you paid him back?), and stop being nice to him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CA2TN4Love Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 It means he's a pathetic spouse. He's been chasing you for two years and has even taken money out of his household to help the object of his desire (you)? Wow. I guess the question should be, why are you even giving him a sideways glance? Married men who overtly chase single (and I'm assuming young) women should make your skin crawl. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 What does it mean if a married man is chasing another woman' date=' and continuing to do so for almost 2 years?[/quote']It means you're a super-attractive women who drives even married men nuts! You must have something his wife doesn't. Give yourself a pat on the back. Wow girl, you must be hot stuff! Is that what you wanted to hear? I'll tell you what it means. You're a different piece of a**. He's been fu**ing his wife for who knows how long. He's horny and he wants a change. No' date=' he's a very kind person, who has been very good to me, and helped me out on many occasions when I was extremely upset, and even lent money to me.[/quote']I don't think his wife would think he's a great person if she finds out about all the money and assistance he's giving you... Please use your brain. He's helping out because he wants to get into your pants...that doesn't make him a great person. He's a married man with sexual designs on his co-worker. I find this guy kinda lame...his idea of seduction seems to be providing services and lending money. I think you should stop accepting his help and find a single man. I mean, it wouldn't be hard for you, right? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight_Princess Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 It means you're a super-attractive women who drives even married men nuts! You must have something his wife doesn't. Give yourself a pat on the back. Wow girl, you must be hot stuff! Is that what you wanted to hear? I'll tell you what it means. You're a different piece of a**. He's been fu**ing his wife for who knows how long. He's horny and he wants a change. I don't think his wife would think he's a great person if she finds out about all the money and assistance he's giving you... Please use your brain. He's helping out because he wants to get into your pants...that doesn't make him a great person. He's a married man with sexual designs on his co-worker. I find this guy kinda lame...his idea of seduction seems to be providing services and lending money. I think you should stop accepting his help and find a single man. I mean, it wouldn't be hard for you, right? That ^ ^ ^ Have you told him you find his behavior inappropriate? Taking money from him isnt exactly sending that message. I mean no offence to you, but no man will continue to make advances at you after two years unless you have been responding in a way which suggests you enjoy it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 The OP wants to hear something (i.e. that the married man has fallen passionately in love with her because of her great charm and beauty etc. etc.) The truth however is most likely much more mundane and ugly: married man is horny for a different piece of a** but has no game, he therefore provides all this assistace to OP, hoping that one day OP will reward him with sex. How incredibly lame if you ask me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight_Princess Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Beholdtheman, I agree with you. I just think that her accepting money is just encouraging him. Im in no way saying its her fault hes a pig, but the fact she refers to him as "a very nice man" while knowing his married and what he wants from her makes me think a part of her enjoys this attention, possibly encourages it(even if unintentional) Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 There is a long story behind why he has been helpful to me, and also another long story as to why he lent me money. I didn't do anything wrong, and I haven't had an affair. I came here to ask some opinions, I do not come here to get abuse, and I don't want it. So opinions is what I would be grateful to get, so if you have not else to give me but abuse, I would be grateful if you could keep that to yourself. None of you know me, or what I have gone through in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight_Princess Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Imsolost, i apologise. I in no way intended to offend you and am very sorry if you got that impression. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 Imsolost, i apologise. I in no way intended to offend you and am very sorry if you got that impression. Thank you. It wasn't just you though, but some other comments from other posters. I very much appreciate your apology. I suffer terribly with depression, and he listened and helped me, even when I was feeling suicidal. I have been absolutely broke, and he lent me money so I could actually live. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I don't think most posters here want to hurt you, they just want you to see things for what they are. They are being blunt about it to shake you out of any "he's just a nice guy" fog. You asked what it means and we've told you. He wants sex with you. For the rest of your life you need to understand one absolute truth: with men, it's all about the sex. It's always all about the sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 I don't think most posters here want to hurt you, they just want you to see things for what they are. They are being blunt about it to shake you out of any "he's just a nice guy" fog. You asked what it means and we've told you. He wants sex with you. For the rest of your life you need to understand one absolute truth: with men, it's all about the sex. It's always all about the sex. Thank you very much for your comment, very appreciated. See what I don't understand is, he is a married man, I am in a terrible state, and have been for so long, but yet almost 2 years later, he is still after me. I don't understand it, as he hasn't got any sex from me, but keeps being like this to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 29, 2013 Author Share Posted July 29, 2013 I guess I don't understand why he would want someone like me, cos I'm such a mess, and why he continues to be like this two years later Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight_Princess Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 No offence intended, but what makes you actually care why? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 I guess I don't understand why he would want someone like me' date=' cos I'm such a mess, and why he continues to be like this two years later[/quote'] Two years seems like a long time but remember that he can work on you every day at work and is just hoping to wear you down. He obviously wants you to make the first move - like kissing him - and he'll take it from there. Please find a counselor and start working on your problems. If he wants you then plenty of others will want you as well. You need to have some confidence and self-respect and you are the only one who can give these things to yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 There is a long story behind why he has been helpful to me' date=' and also another long story as to why he lent me money. [/quote'] We can only go on what you have told us. I'm sorry if you are feeling abused by what people are saying here, but for many of us, it is an old story that gets told over-and-over by others just like you. Regardless what the back story, it is usually never a good idea for a young, available woman to get help and loans from a married man. Here is a question: Does his wife know he lent you money? Does his wife know he has been helpful to you? If the answer is "no" to either of those questions, than the bottom line is that your relationship with him has crossed a line. It may not be an affair, but it may be an emotional affair on his part and the reason he is still after you. I do not come here to get abuse' date=' and I don't want it. [/quote'] What you may see as "abuse" may be just the hard facts of your situation and sometimes, it is hard to take but necessary. The truth often hurts. None of you know me' date=' or what I have gone through in my life.[/quote'] Of course we don't. Again, we are basing our suggestions on what you have told us so you can't get up on a high horse and reactionary about the advice if you are not giving us all the information. But, again, many of us who have been here around for a while have seen these patterns in people multiple times and know the best advice to give. Opening up to a married man and accepting money from him -- unless his wife is fully on board with either -- is WRONG and the best thing you can do is distance yourself from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Because you let him. & taking money from him also. Did you really have to ask this question? You guys are getting closer every time. You get to be the damsel in distress while he is the knight in shining armor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tinie Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 It could be that he's chasing you for thrills besides the sex. It's always fun for drama seekers to be doing something they're not supposed to do, especially when it's in secret behind someone else's back (his wife's). It provides excitement in his life to be doing something "illegal". Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 He's still at it because you let him do it. Why do you let him do it? Your posts suggest that you are entirely too dependent on this man, who in the end has a wife and dependents of his own. You say you're depressed and I believe you. I think part of your depression springs from an outlook on life that allows you no personal agency. You're focused on "him chasing you," or "him helping you," and you ask "what's wrong with him that he would chase me/want me/help me"? Where's your agency? What are you doing? How are *you* going to take control and responsibility for yourself. I don't know you beyond these posts of yours, but I wonder if you've had issues with codependency in the past. I would also be VERY careful about this relationship with this married man. If I were in your shoes, I would lay down reasonable boundaries right this second. And those boundaries would stay there--- you will continue to feel really crappy about yourself as long as you are always seeking caretakers. Especially if you make a habit of looking for unavailable men to take care of you.... recipe for powerlessness and heartbreak, right there. If any of this sounds like it hits home to you... perhaps you need to speak to a real therapist. But my opinion is that you have developed an unhealthy pattern of dependency on this man, and he's enabling you by being the caretaker. Now, whether he's got sexual designs or not, this will not end well for either of you unless you take charge of yourself. You will find you feel less depressed if you take responsibility, too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 No offence intended, but what makes you actually care why? Because he has been like this for so long, and I wanted to understand why Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 We can only go on what you have told us. I'm sorry if you are feeling abused by what people are saying here, but for many of us, it is an old story that gets told over-and-over by others just like you. Regardless what the back story, it is usually never a good idea for a young, available woman to get help and loans from a married man. Here is a question: Does his wife know he lent you money? Does his wife know he has been helpful to you? If the answer is "no" to either of those questions, than the bottom line is that your relationship with him has crossed a line. It may not be an affair, but it may be an emotional affair on his part and the reason he is still after you. What you may see as "abuse" may be just the hard facts of your situation and sometimes, it is hard to take but necessary. The truth often hurts. Of course we don't. Again, we are basing our suggestions on what you have told us so you can't get up on a high horse and reactionary about the advice if you are not giving us all the information. But, again, many of us who have been here around for a while have seen these patterns in people multiple times and know the best advice to give. Opening up to a married man and accepting money from him -- unless his wife is fully on board with either -- is WRONG and the best thing you can do is distance yourself from him. With regard to the loan, I wanted to get a loan from the bank, and I was in a difficult financial situation, and he had to sign off forms for me so I could get the loan. He said it was a nuisance having to fill out so many forms so he offered me a loan, with which I returned to him in full. I refused so many times as I didn't want to take a loan from him, but he knew they extremely difficult time I was going through, and said he wanted to do this for me. In a way, I didn't want to offend him in some way, so I graciously accepted it from him. I never ever asked him for a loan, he offered it to me. And by the way, the loan came from his business not his own bank account. I have no idea anything about his wife. He is my lawyer, which is why he knows so much about me, and he helped me through the hell I went through, and is still helpful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 He's still at it because you let him do it. Why do you let him do it? Your posts suggest that you are entirely too dependent on this man, who in the end has a wife and dependents of his own. You say you're depressed and I believe you. I think part of your depression springs from an outlook on life that allows you no personal agency. You're focused on "him chasing you," or "him helping you," and you ask "what's wrong with him that he would chase me/want me/help me"? Where's your agency? What are you doing? How are *you* going to take control and responsibility for yourself. I don't know you beyond these posts of yours, but I wonder if you've had issues with codependency in the past. I would also be VERY careful about this relationship with this married man. If I were in your shoes, I would lay down reasonable boundaries right this second. And those boundaries would stay there--- you will continue to feel really crappy about yourself as long as you are always seeking caretakers. Especially if you make a habit of looking for unavailable men to take care of you.... recipe for powerlessness and heartbreak, right there. If any of this sounds like it hits home to you... perhaps you need to speak to a real therapist. But my opinion is that you have developed an unhealthy pattern of dependency on this man, and he's enabling you by being the caretaker. Now, whether he's got sexual designs or not, this will not end well for either of you unless you take charge of yourself. You will find you feel less depressed if you take responsibility, too. Thank you for your advice. I wouldn't say dependant on him, but he is my lawyer, and knows alot about me. He has been very good to me because of the crap I have gone through. He has just been like this for the past 2 years, and its odd, as he hasn't got anywhere with me, as I know he's married Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Because his W doesn't know, which makes you two share a secret, which provides the basis for an inappropriate relationship. He's getting attention from you one way or another, and he feels empowered by getting attention from a female who "needs" him. You're his ego boost, and its not even a given that all guys who act like that necessarily want to get in your pants. Sure, he would if he could, but it's even better the way it is right now, because he can tell himself and everyone else that he's not done anything wrong, and he gets what he needs the most: attention and reassurance. He's your savior. He's the big man. He's the ****. You admire him. His W probably not so much anymore, because he's an attention whore at home also and it's all about him him him..........and she's tired of it. I'm sure he's whined about her plenty. Mean bitch. Nasty bitch. Nothing's ever good enough for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'msolostatthemoment Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Also, thanks to all you guys for your views, and advice, I really appreciate it. It's helping me see through my ?? about this guy. You're great, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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