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He lied, but Im apparently the bad guy.


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WhiskeyJack

My boyfriend of almost 5 years has a friend that's a girl since well before me. We'll call her G. She is an alright girl, just drama filled and gossipy. Needless to say I dot like her, never have but I'm civil and not mean to her. They usually text almost nightly, but very short convos when she lived away, but now that she's back in town all he does is message her. To the point where we are out to eat and all he's doing is texting her and ignoring. I made a comment and he laughed at me an continued texting. I told him I was uncomfortable with the amount. Which he later claimed I told him not to talk to her (not true at all).

 

Anyways fast forward to tonight he left the house with his brother, and I got a text "hahaha nice Cauliflower" from him. Asked him about it he said "nvm". So clearly not meant for me. When he got home I asked again ad was told it was from a different friend, with a shady explanation in tow. I knew he was lying. I gave it a few hours and asked again. Same lie. It me laying on top of him in be to get the truth out of him, it was from G. I expressed my hurt at being lied he offered no remorse and just said "I was avoiding a fight". So I walked out te door and sat in my car to relax.

 

I went inside after an hour and demanded to see his phone. He let me read it while he hovered over me. Then when it came to a message he swiped it out of my hand and said that I had no right to look through his ****. So we fought, showed no remorse about lying, tried to turn the blame on me and make it all my fault. Claimed I said he couldn't talk to her, when really I said I was uncomfortable with te amount, to which e said "same thing". He almost let me walk out of his life over looking at his phone.

 

Eventually he did, but he held onto it and let me look. They were texting everyday, every half hour and they both equally started the convos. She'll write long messages and most of his are one word answers, or just flirty. Also found out he's been hanging out with her without my knowing. Which isn't that much of a concern if he had told me. I wouldn't care but he chose to be secretive.

 

He eventually came around and said he was sorry for lying and that he'd tone it down. But I just don't trust him! He flat out lied for no reason. Plus I never saw **** about a cauliflower so he has also deleted ****. Bah. I'm so mad/hurt/angry. Why is this girl so much more important that me.

 

Sorry venting.

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youngnlove89

My boyfriend of 2.5 years also started seeing an ex gf behind my back. He claimed they were just friends several times and never hung out. Well as I dug deeper and as I pried it out of him he confessed that he did lie to me about her to avoid drama/conflict/argument. They have hung out SEVERAL times he said. They even slept in a hotel room together on different beds. He swears it is platonic. He swears he has no feelings for her. Hasn't slept with her. He yelled at me for accusing him. Made me feel like the victim. He lied to me about her having a boyfriend, she didn't. I told him I was hurt that he lied. He said he needed "relaxation" away from me. This was Friday night. He hasn't called since then. He just ignores me. I called him last night, ignore. Texted, ignore.

 

These guys are cheaters. They are liars. We don't want to believe what they are doing behind our back because it is painful. I haven't slept well. I can't eat. At work I can't focus. I wake up every 2 hours at night looking at my phone, waiting for him to call.

 

Why is he doing this to me?

 

Do we want these types of guys in our life? We have lost our trust in them. It is over little do we know. We just can't accept it yet.

 

Outside looking in, this guy doesn't want you enough. He may care about you, but that isn't enough. Love isn't enough. He lost your trust. Is this what you want?

 

I bet if you were to go read my story, you'd say the same: Move on girl, you can do better, he is a liar and cheater!

 

How come we can't do the same for ourselves?

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Philosoraptor

Sounds like he has a guilty conscience and rather than admitting his wrongdoing he blame shifted and pinned it on you. It's obvious he feels like he has something to lie about. He snagged that phone in a hurry as there must have been something compromising coming up that he wasn't comfortable letting you read.

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ExpatInItaly
My boyfriend of almost 5 years has a friend that's a girl since well before me. We'll call her G. She is an alright girl, just drama filled and gossipy. Needless to say I dot like her, never have but I'm civil and not mean to her. They usually text almost nightly, but very short convos when she lived away, but now that she's back in town all he does is message her. To the point where we are out to eat and all he's doing is texting her and ignoring. I made a comment and he laughed at me an continued texting. I told him I was uncomfortable with the amount. Which he later claimed I told him not to talk to her (not true at all).

 

Anyways fast forward to tonight he left the house with his brother, and I got a text "hahaha nice Cauliflower" from him. Asked him about it he said "nvm". So clearly not meant for me. When he got home I asked again ad was told it was from a different friend, with a shady explanation in tow. I knew he was lying. I gave it a few hours and asked again. Same lie. It me laying on top of him in be to get the truth out of him, it was from G. I expressed my hurt at being lied he offered no remorse and just said "I was avoiding a fight". So I walked out te door and sat in my car to relax.

 

I went inside after an hour and demanded to see his phone. He let me read it while he hovered over me. Then when it came to a message he swiped it out of my hand and said that I had no right to look through his ****. So we fought, showed no remorse about lying, tried to turn the blame on me and make it all my fault. Claimed I said he couldn't talk to her, when really I said I was uncomfortable with te amount, to which e said "same thing". He almost let me walk out of his life over looking at his phone.

 

Eventually he did, but he held onto it and let me look. They were texting everyday, every half hour and they both equally started the convos. She'll write long messages and most of his are one word answers, or just flirty. Also found out he's been hanging out with her without my knowing. Which isn't that much of a concern if he had told me. I wouldn't care but he chose to be secretive.

 

He eventually came around and said he was sorry for lying and that he'd tone it down. But I just don't trust him! He flat out lied for no reason. Plus I never saw **** about a cauliflower so he has also deleted ****. Bah. I'm so mad/hurt/angry. Why is this girl so much more important that me.

 

Sorry venting.

 

This isn't true - he's lying because he doesn't want to get caught behaving badly. He's lying because he knows he's up to no good and doesn't want YOU to know.

 

He didn't lie for no reason. He just lied for a very sh*tty reason.

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I wouldn't put faith in him. He clearly is lying and hiding something from you. My ex Gemma would do the samething. Do not fall into games or endure mental anguish over this.

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WhiskeyJack

This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.

 

Sounds like he has a guilty conscience and rather than admitting his wrongdoing he blame shifted and pinned it on you. It's obvious he feels like he has something to lie about. He snagged that phone in a hurry as there must have been something compromising coming up that he wasn't comfortable letting you read.

He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.

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The Way I Am

He was hiding that he was asking her for relationship advice? Bull*****.

 

You don't text someone at all hours of the day everyday who's just a friend. You don't lie about seeing your friends unless you have something to hide. Did they meet just so she could advise him on his relationship? That's why he couldn't tell you? Sounds pretty ridiculous.

 

Considering it's your relationship, he should be able to share with you the things he's been talking to her about. Has he shared with you what the concerns they talked about were? How are you supposed to have a healthy relationship if he talks to other women about your relationship instead of addressing concerns to you?

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This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.

 

 

He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.

Lol hook line sinker

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You are not making a mountain out of a molehill, but the fact that you think you are shows his gaslighting is working.

 

I'm not sure how you "know" he is not cheating. All signs point to he is. Or if he's not, he'd like to be.

 

Completely ignoring YOU to text HER.

Using nicknames for her (Cauliflower)

Lying to you about her.

Hiding his communication with her from you.

Flirting with her

Making you feel like SHE is more important.

 

How are those things your fault again?!

 

Even if he isn't cheating, he is treating you like **** and prioritizing another girl. Because he likes her better. I feel very bad for you, I understand it's hard to accept that he is checked out and interested in another girl but all the signs are there.

 

and tbh if everytime you try to discuss something important with him, he "comes out swinging" then he flat out sucks at communication and all is doomed anyway because you will live your life walking on eggshells around him.

 

I guess you should think about whether or not you can live with being 2nd best, she is more important and you know/feel that, can you live with it?

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youngnlove89

He is cheating sweetie. We have to look at the signs. Don't be ignorant. Face the truth, even if it hurts.

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Philosoraptor
This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.

 

 

He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.

 

Sounds like you're trying to negate the issue here and make it less than it is. You've pointed out all of the issues, and they are quite valid. By rationalizing the issues you are doing nothing but enabling this behavior. In the end it's your choice, but you have already shown you're smart enough to call a spade a spade.

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aussietigerwolf

wow... from reading that I'd be wondering who his real girlfriend is...

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If he's not cheating, it's only because he hasn't had the opportunity to....YET.

 

Trust me, if this girl snapped her fingers, he'd come running. And you'd be handed your walking papers.

 

Don't be his 'back up' while he's off looking for something better. Treat yourself better than that. This isn't about making a mountain out of a mole hill. This is about self respect. Where is yours?

 

Walk away before he tosses you out the door.

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ExpatInItaly
This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.

 

 

He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.

 

Wow. I cannot believe you fell for that and that and then put blame on yourself. You are in serious denial.

 

By the way, having a difficult upbringing has nothing to do with the fact that he's lying to you and carrying on with another girl. Knowing only to rely on himself is irrelevant. YOU are the one being conned, my friend. But since you refuse to see the facts for what they are, good luck to you. It will hurt like hell when he does it again.

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WhiskeyJack

It's funny how I never once asked in y original post if anyone thought he was cheating and yet it's the only answer I've been given. I posted in this section because I was jealous of how much he was texting her. I'm really not enjoying how it "apparently" all points to him cheating. It's not the case, I know the man. We live together, his job is at home, we live in a small town and most of all we talk every single night. So yes when I say I KNOW he not cheating, I'm telling the truth and not in denial, but thanks for that little comment.

 

Quite honestly this site has made me MORE paranoid because everyone is sooo quick to judge. Every thread someone is accused of cheating. It's upsetting. Yes cheating happens and I understand that it'll make people paranoid/more aware of the signs, but basing an opinion like "he's def cheating, leave him" on a one message thread is extreme. I've been cheated on a couple times in the past but I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Things could look sketchy, doesn't mean they are. Actions can't always be explained.

 

If you'd like to comment on his actions and such then go ahead. If your just going to say he's cheating or make a comment towards me then just keep it to your self.

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I think people here just trying to help. Its hard when you're in limbo you don't know what's going on, isn't it? I think the issue is that he's not putting you first. I was with a guy and I said his relationship with female friend with making me uncomfortable, I would expect him to get rid of her.

 

Also, he who has nothing to hide hide nothing. should not freak him out for you to look at his phone unless he's hiding s***. You should be his priority. He should care to communicate with you and make things better. You should feel safe and secure with him.

 

Tell him how you feel, pull back and see what he does. From where I sit, I think he's a douche. I know you want to save things with him. See if he comes running to make things better. If he doesn't, then you have your answer about how important this relationship is to him.

 

Truly, you deserve better. :)

 

 

truly, it is understandable that you feel the way that you do. and you deserve better

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WhiskeyJack
I think people here just trying to help. Its hard when you're in limbo you don't know what's going on, isn't it? I think the issue is that he's not putting you first. I was with a guy and I said his relationship with female friend with making me uncomfortable, I would expect him to get rid of her.

 

Also, he who has nothing to hide hide nothing. should not freak him out for you to look at his phone unless he's hiding s***. You should be his priority. He should care to communicate with you and make things better. You should feel safe and secure with him.

 

Tell him how you feel, pull back and see what he does. From where I sit, I think he's a douche. I know you want to save things with him. See if he comes running to make things better. If he doesn't, then you have your answer about how important this relationship is to him.

 

Truly, you deserve better. :)

 

 

truly, it is understandable that you feel the way that you do. and you deserve better

 

I understand people are trying to help, but sometimes they're stretches! And all it does is make someone worry and make assumptions. I just feel like there could be other explanations for some behaviours, but everyone has their own opinion.

 

Yes in this situation he appears to not be puttin me first, but that's hardly how he usually acts. This man dotes on me, spends whatever time he can with me and is always there for me. In this situation a female friend he has had since he was very young came back from moving away, had broken her leg and was incredibly bored. I personally don't like her, but she's not my friend an would never dream of telling him to quit talking to her. Nor should I expect him to drop her because I told him too. If he did that to me Id tell him where to go.

 

He was simply texting her to much and I was uncomfortable with it, and since that night he has been off his phone whenever we're hanging out. He is better about it and gave me a sincere apology yesterday for how he acted. I even invited the girl to a party we're going to this weekend.

 

Basically **** happens. But this one instant is not at all a direct look into how my boyfriend acts as a person.

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ExpatInItaly
I understand people are trying to help, but sometimes they're stretches! And all it does is make someone worry and make assumptions. I just feel like there could be other explanations for some behaviours, but everyone has their own opinion.

 

Yes in this situation he appears to not be puttin me first, but that's hardly how he usually acts. This man dotes on me, spends whatever time he can with me and is always there for me. In this situation a female friend he has had since he was very young came back from moving away, had broken her leg and was incredibly bored. I personally don't like her, but she's not my friend an would never dream of telling him to quit talking to her. Nor should I expect him to drop her because I told him too. If he did that to me Id tell him where to go.

 

He was simply texting her to much and I was uncomfortable with it, and since that night he has been off his phone whenever we're hanging out. He is better about it and gave me a sincere apology yesterday for how he acted. I even invited the girl to a party we're going to this weekend.

 

Basically **** happens. But this one instant is not at all a direct look into how my boyfriend acts as a person.

 

So why you think he got so upset when you wanted to see his phone? Why do you suppose he deleted the texts? I mean these questions sincerely, not trying to be snarky. I'm curious about your theory behind that...

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Whether he is cheating or not, he has betrayed your trust. I know how it is to feel strongly that someone isn't cheating, and the reality is that you know him better than any of us. So if your gut says he's not, he probably isn't.

 

But there are many more ways of betraying trust than simply cheating. Guy doesn't sound like the greatest bf, imo.

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WhiskeyJack
So why you think he got so upset when you wanted to see his phone? Why do you suppose he deleted the texts? I mean these questions sincerely, not trying to be snarky. I'm curious about your theory behind that...

 

As individuals we are pretty private. Him more so than me. We have been under the agreement that our phones are our safe haven, they are be respected by each other. Me waking him up from sleeping and demanding to see his phone threw him off, throw in a stupid man cold he has and I have one grumpy ass boyfriend. In his apology yesterday he made a point of saying that he shouldn't have acted that way, was sorry, and offered up his phone for me to look at if I so please. I'm not excusing his behaviour, but I'm saying it had nothing to do with wanting to hide something.

 

I'm not actually sure he deleted any texts. He could have, but at this point I'm not concerned about it. This girl isn't a threat to me, she's bored and lonely and is reaching out to her childhood friend, who happens to be my boyfriend. Also I know her fairly well and have hung out with her numerous times throughout the years, she isn't a cheater or a **** disturber.

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The Way I Am

Since you believe that the only answer you've been given is that your bf is cheating, I can only assume you interpreted my earlier post as such. Let me be clear that I don't believe he's physically cheating. But I also don't believe he and this girl are just friends. I'd say with 97% certainty that he has feelings for his "friend" or at minimum was in the process of developing them. Whether or not he's acted on them is another matter and not something you've given me enough info to judge.

 

But if he continues to dismiss your concerns and put her first as you described originally, eventually it will lead to either him leaving you for or cheating on you with her.

 

Your later post seemed like you we're willing to buy the "just friends" story and allow him to continue to put her first because you had convinced yourself you were just being paranoid. That would sooner or later have left you devastated. It's good that he has changed his tune and decided to address your concerns. But make no mistake, you were not being paranoid. People do not text opposite sex friends all hours of the day or lie about it to their SO. When they start doing that with supposed friends, it's because they have feelings or are developing feelings for that person. You should not convince yourself or allow your boyfriend to convince you that's ok or normal.

 

If he sticks to his promises of putting you first, your relationship could work. He may have realized his feelings for you are greater than the ones for her. If he goes back to putting her first, do not accept it.

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ExpatInItaly
Since you believe that the only answer you've been given is that your bf is cheating, I can only assume you interpreted my earlier post as such. Let me be clear that I don't believe he's physically cheating. But I also don't believe he and this girl are just friends. I'd say with 97% certainty that he has feelings for his "friend" or at minimum was in the process of developing them. Whether or not he's acted on them is another matter and not something you've given me enough info to judge.

 

But if he continues to dismiss your concerns and put her first as you described originally, eventually it will lead to either him leaving you for or cheating on you with her.

 

Your later post seemed like you we're willing to buy the "just friends" story and allow him to continue to put her first because you had convinced yourself you were just being paranoid. That would sooner or later have left you devastated. It's good that he has changed his tune and decided to address your concerns. But make no mistake, you were not being paranoid. People do not text opposite sex friends all hours of the day or lie about it to their SO. When they start doing that with supposed friends, it's because they have feelings or are developing feelings for that person. You should not convince yourself or allow your boyfriend to convince you that's ok or normal.

 

If he sticks to his promises of putting you first, your relationship could work. He may have realized his feelings for you are greater than the ones for her. If he goes back to putting her first, do not accept it.

 

This. Something shady was/is going on. Hopefully he's realized that it's wrong and he got busted. Gaslighting is a powerful tool...

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It is not so much about if he is cheating it is his lack of Respect for the relationship he has with you. Really texting another female when he is out with you, not only is that beyond rude but it says a lot about who he is He clearly doesn't cherish quality time with you He would rather be thinking and talking to other ppl.

 

 

Not just that but ok he let you see his phone And? what that means he isnt cheating Oh honey even if he isnt he is borderline close to committing the act He isnt acting right at all snatching his phone away I seen guys like this I have had boyfriends do this to me and almost every time that guy did cheat on me I never found out during the relationship I always found after and not always by them most the time the females they cheated with would reach out to me cus they would end up treating them just as bad. It never was a shock because deep down I knew from the way he was acting it wasn't right.

 

They were not boys to waste my time on. That goes for you dont waste time with anyone who outright treats you with so much disrespect another thing you have every right to tell him to stop talking to her he is doing way too much for this female. Never settle for BS Once your disrespected stand up for yourself because if you don't PPl will run all over you!

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