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He lied, but Im apparently the bad guy.


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 17th July 2013, 8:24 AM   #1
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He lied, but Im apparently the bad guy.

My boyfriend of almost 5 years has a friend that's a girl since well before me. We'll call her G. She is an alright girl, just drama filled and gossipy. Needless to say I dot like her, never have but I'm civil and not mean to her. They usually text almost nightly, but very short convos when she lived away, but now that she's back in town all he does is message her. To the point where we are out to eat and all he's doing is texting her and ignoring. I made a comment and he laughed at me an continued texting. I told him I was uncomfortable with the amount. Which he later claimed I told him not to talk to her (not true at all).

Anyways fast forward to tonight he left the house with his brother, and I got a text "hahaha nice Cauliflower" from him. Asked him about it he said "nvm". So clearly not meant for me. When he got home I asked again ad was told it was from a different friend, with a shady explanation in tow. I knew he was lying. I gave it a few hours and asked again. Same lie. It me laying on top of him in be to get the truth out of him, it was from G. I expressed my hurt at being lied he offered no remorse and just said "I was avoiding a fight". So I walked out te door and sat in my car to relax.

I went inside after an hour and demanded to see his phone. He let me read it while he hovered over me. Then when it came to a message he swiped it out of my hand and said that I had no right to look through his ****. So we fought, showed no remorse about lying, tried to turn the blame on me and make it all my fault. Claimed I said he couldn't talk to her, when really I said I was uncomfortable with te amount, to which e said "same thing". He almost let me walk out of his life over looking at his phone.

Eventually he did, but he held onto it and let me look. They were texting everyday, every half hour and they both equally started the convos. She'll write long messages and most of his are one word answers, or just flirty. Also found out he's been hanging out with her without my knowing. Which isn't that much of a concern if he had told me. I wouldn't care but he chose to be secretive.

He eventually came around and said he was sorry for lying and that he'd tone it down. But I just don't trust him! He flat out lied for no reason. Plus I never saw **** about a cauliflower so he has also deleted ****. Bah. I'm so mad/hurt/angry. Why is this girl so much more important that me.

Sorry venting.
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Old 17th July 2013, 8:39 AM   #2
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My boyfriend of 2.5 years also started seeing an ex gf behind my back. He claimed they were just friends several times and never hung out. Well as I dug deeper and as I pried it out of him he confessed that he did lie to me about her to avoid drama/conflict/argument. They have hung out SEVERAL times he said. They even slept in a hotel room together on different beds. He swears it is platonic. He swears he has no feelings for her. Hasn't slept with her. He yelled at me for accusing him. Made me feel like the victim. He lied to me about her having a boyfriend, she didn't. I told him I was hurt that he lied. He said he needed "relaxation" away from me. This was Friday night. He hasn't called since then. He just ignores me. I called him last night, ignore. Texted, ignore.

These guys are cheaters. They are liars. We don't want to believe what they are doing behind our back because it is painful. I haven't slept well. I can't eat. At work I can't focus. I wake up every 2 hours at night looking at my phone, waiting for him to call.

Why is he doing this to me?

Do we want these types of guys in our life? We have lost our trust in them. It is over little do we know. We just can't accept it yet.

Outside looking in, this guy doesn't want you enough. He may care about you, but that isn't enough. Love isn't enough. He lost your trust. Is this what you want?

I bet if you were to go read my story, you'd say the same: Move on girl, you can do better, he is a liar and cheater!

How come we can't do the same for ourselves?
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Old 17th July 2013, 8:41 AM   #3
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Sounds like he has a guilty conscience and rather than admitting his wrongdoing he blame shifted and pinned it on you. It's obvious he feels like he has something to lie about. He snagged that phone in a hurry as there must have been something compromising coming up that he wasn't comfortable letting you read.
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Old 17th July 2013, 11:53 AM   #4
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Long story short, he's gas lighting you because he's chearting on you.
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Old 17th July 2013, 3:54 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiskeyJack View Post
My boyfriend of almost 5 years has a friend that's a girl since well before me. We'll call her G. She is an alright girl, just drama filled and gossipy. Needless to say I dot like her, never have but I'm civil and not mean to her. They usually text almost nightly, but very short convos when she lived away, but now that she's back in town all he does is message her. To the point where we are out to eat and all he's doing is texting her and ignoring. I made a comment and he laughed at me an continued texting. I told him I was uncomfortable with the amount. Which he later claimed I told him not to talk to her (not true at all).

Anyways fast forward to tonight he left the house with his brother, and I got a text "hahaha nice Cauliflower" from him. Asked him about it he said "nvm". So clearly not meant for me. When he got home I asked again ad was told it was from a different friend, with a shady explanation in tow. I knew he was lying. I gave it a few hours and asked again. Same lie. It me laying on top of him in be to get the truth out of him, it was from G. I expressed my hurt at being lied he offered no remorse and just said "I was avoiding a fight". So I walked out te door and sat in my car to relax.

I went inside after an hour and demanded to see his phone. He let me read it while he hovered over me. Then when it came to a message he swiped it out of my hand and said that I had no right to look through his ****. So we fought, showed no remorse about lying, tried to turn the blame on me and make it all my fault. Claimed I said he couldn't talk to her, when really I said I was uncomfortable with te amount, to which e said "same thing". He almost let me walk out of his life over looking at his phone.

Eventually he did, but he held onto it and let me look. They were texting everyday, every half hour and they both equally started the convos. She'll write long messages and most of his are one word answers, or just flirty. Also found out he's been hanging out with her without my knowing. Which isn't that much of a concern if he had told me. I wouldn't care but he chose to be secretive.

He eventually came around and said he was sorry for lying and that he'd tone it down. But I just don't trust him! He flat out lied for no reason. Plus I never saw **** about a cauliflower so he has also deleted ****. Bah. I'm so mad/hurt/angry. Why is this girl so much more important that me.

Sorry venting.
This isn't true - he's lying because he doesn't want to get caught behaving badly. He's lying because he knows he's up to no good and doesn't want YOU to know.

He didn't lie for no reason. He just lied for a very sh*tty reason.
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Old 17th July 2013, 4:06 PM   #6
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I wouldn't put faith in him. He clearly is lying and hiding something from you. My ex Gemma would do the samething. Do not fall into games or endure mental anguish over this.
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Old 17th July 2013, 4:19 PM   #7
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This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.

Quote:
Sounds like he has a guilty conscience and rather than admitting his wrongdoing he blame shifted and pinned it on you. It's obvious he feels like he has something to lie about. He snagged that phone in a hurry as there must have been something compromising coming up that he wasn't comfortable letting you read.
He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.
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Old 17th July 2013, 6:12 PM   #8
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He was hiding that he was asking her for relationship advice? Bull*****.

You don't text someone at all hours of the day everyday who's just a friend. You don't lie about seeing your friends unless you have something to hide. Did they meet just so she could advise him on his relationship? That's why he couldn't tell you? Sounds pretty ridiculous.

Considering it's your relationship, he should be able to share with you the things he's been talking to her about. Has he shared with you what the concerns they talked about were? How are you supposed to have a healthy relationship if he talks to other women about your relationship instead of addressing concerns to you?
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Old 17th July 2013, 6:28 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiskeyJack View Post
This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.


He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.
Lol hook line sinker
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Old 17th July 2013, 7:15 PM   #10
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You are not making a mountain out of a molehill, but the fact that you think you are shows his gaslighting is working.

I'm not sure how you "know" he is not cheating. All signs point to he is. Or if he's not, he'd like to be.

Completely ignoring YOU to text HER.
Using nicknames for her (Cauliflower)
Lying to you about her.
Hiding his communication with her from you.
Flirting with her
Making you feel like SHE is more important.

How are those things your fault again?!

Even if he isn't cheating, he is treating you like **** and prioritizing another girl. Because he likes her better. I feel very bad for you, I understand it's hard to accept that he is checked out and interested in another girl but all the signs are there.

and tbh if everytime you try to discuss something important with him, he "comes out swinging" then he flat out sucks at communication and all is doomed anyway because you will live your life walking on eggshells around him.

I guess you should think about whether or not you can live with being 2nd best, she is more important and you know/feel that, can you live with it?
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Old 17th July 2013, 7:39 PM   #11
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He is cheating sweetie. We have to look at the signs. Don't be ignorant. Face the truth, even if it hurts.
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Old 18th July 2013, 7:12 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiskeyJack View Post
This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.


He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.
Sounds like you're trying to negate the issue here and make it less than it is. You've pointed out all of the issues, and they are quite valid. By rationalizing the issues you are doing nothing but enabling this behavior. In the end it's your choice, but you have already shown you're smart enough to call a spade a spade.
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Old 18th July 2013, 7:26 AM   #13
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wow... from reading that I'd be wondering who his real girlfriend is...
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Old 18th July 2013, 8:55 AM   #14
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If he's not cheating, it's only because he hasn't had the opportunity to....YET.

Trust me, if this girl snapped her fingers, he'd come running. And you'd be handed your walking papers.

Don't be his 'back up' while he's off looking for something better. Treat yourself better than that. This isn't about making a mountain out of a mole hill. This is about self respect. Where is yours?

Walk away before he tosses you out the door.
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Old 18th July 2013, 3:58 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiskeyJack View Post
This isn't about if he's cheating or not, I know he's not. He just lies about the dumbest things sometimes. He's very set in his ways and stubborn as anything. You back him into a corner and he comes out swinging no matter if he's right or wrong. I pushed him into that corner last night while trying to get his phone. He also has relationship issues, his mom left the family when he was 8 and he's had a shaky upbringing since. He knows he an rely on only himself. We've been working on the whole "a relationship is a team effort" thing but its a work in progress.


He told me he has asked her for relationship advice and stuff along those lines and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. He's a private person an loves his privacy. In reality I make mountains out of stones. I've been cheated on by 2 exes and both were devestating to me. My past makes me believe everyone is screwing me over. I read something and it turns into "he's trying to have sex with her", when really it's nothing. I've been working on it but its hard.
Wow. I cannot believe you fell for that and that and then put blame on yourself. You are in serious denial.

By the way, having a difficult upbringing has nothing to do with the fact that he's lying to you and carrying on with another girl. Knowing only to rely on himself is irrelevant. YOU are the one being conned, my friend. But since you refuse to see the facts for what they are, good luck to you. It will hurt like hell when he does it again.
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