Doitright Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 :(I have a situation. My boyfriend has several female friends. Most of them he rarely sees, just Facebook pals mostly. But, one in peticular we fight about frequently. He only met her a couple of months before he met me (not a long time friendship). She was a client of his when he was a Personal Trainer, but they became friends outside of that. When we first started dating, before it got serious, I found out through his Facebook that she called me names. I was referred to as "WT" (white trash), a "filler" (until he got something real), a liar and a joke. This was about 1 year ago. He remained friends with her, but told her she could no longer talk about me like that. He was been living with me for about 7 mos and just got engaged. They continue to talk. It bothers me because they talk about sex and very personal things. We continue to fight over her after the engagement. He always defends her against me and acts as if I can't accept her, the relationship won't work. He is a very private person and he doesn't always share his feeling with me. But, he is always willing to share his feelings with her. I have been researching this and according to many, men and women can't be "just friends", but then you should not try to control who your significant other's friends are. How should I handle this? I don't want to ruin my relationship.:(:( Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 takes 2 to argue i think.. Link to post Share on other sites
venusianx13 Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Yes, guys and girls can be just friends. I have several male friends, and they are strictly friends. However, I don't think the problem here is that your boyfriend has girl friends, per say, but that this particular female insulted you and he remained cool with her. This may be a hard pill to swallow, but people who love each other respect and protect each other. My ex fiance, over our 6 year courtship, had a couple of these kinds of girl friends, and he never stopped them from speaking ill of me, in fact, turns out he engaged in it. Even when I would discover these things, I'd make excuses for his behavior, though none were valid. (I was a part of the problem, in fact...I didn't respect myself enough to just leave when I should have). I'm not telling you to leave, but definitely keep your guard up about this... without arguing, stand firm in the idea that this is simply not acceptable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 OP, for general reading on 'just friends', here's another thread to peruse: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/277645-old-can-men-women-friends-debate In your case, how do you know he talks about sex and very personal things with her? Generally speaking, strictly from the information shared, this person does not appear to be a friend of your engagement and that reality should carry weight in your BF's prioritization of said engagement. I'd suggest a long engagement and some PMC. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 It depends. For me, A male and a female shouldn't hang out one on one when one or the other are in a relationship. It's disrespectful...not to mention, perception is EVERYTHING. Why even put oneself in a situation that more than likely will end badly. On the other hand.....Men and women who have been platonic friends WAAAAY before the SO comes along should remain friends given their friendship is transparent and that the SO is involved with whatever they do - I don't see a problem. In your case, neither applies. Your boyfriend met this girl 2 months before you and confides in her like he should confide in a girlfriend. Why didn't they ever date? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doitright Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 Thank you so much for your feedback. It was really helpful. I was wondering.....your guy friends who you see as strictly friends, do you think they see you the same way? Or, do you think they may see you differently? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doitright Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 I think because first off he had a crush on her sister at one time and she likes his friend. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Your situation is less about men and women being friends than it is about your fiance inappropriately sharing things with another person and perhaps not sticking up for you the way he should. It could just as easily have been a male friend that he's complaining to about you and letting that male friend insult you behind your back. It sounds like he did insist on an end to the insults, but I have to wonder how long he let it go on before he told her to stop. If someone insulted my SO, they'd get one warning the first time, then they're out of my life if they so much as make a back-handed compliment about my SO. But he really should not be talking sex and personal things with someone else if he's not bringing that personal stuff to you. Especially not an opposite sex friend. It's about having good boundaries, and he's not set them with this woman. He's the one who needs to change this, not you or her; it only creates drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doitright Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 What about if when they talk about sex, It's in a joking way? That's what he says, they "joke" about sex. About him thinking about her while masterbating for example is funny I guess. Just recently she texted him after she found out were engaged. She asked if he proposed during sex. I felt like she was trying to cheapen something special. She then commented about him not wasting any time. But, she did also say congratulations and that she was happy for him. I just feel like she is inappropriate and so is their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 I just feel like she is inappropriate and so is their relationship. I agree. How do you propose to address this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
venusianx13 Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 Thank you so much for your feedback. It was really helpful. I was wondering.....your guy friends who you see as strictly friends, do you think they see you the same way? Or, do you think they may see you differently? Two of my guy friends have significant others - one is married and one has a girlfriend. The other two, well, they respect me and if they wanted to date me at one time, that time has passed because I made it clear to them that I was not interested in that. So, for years, all four of these young men have been only friends to me, especially because if they were inappropriate with me, and since I am in a serious relationship, the friendship would not continue. As for speaking about my SO, they never spoke ill of my former fiance, but they did urge me to leave him, knowing of how bad he was for me. That's what friends are supposed to do (i.e. support each other). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doitright Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 It looks like I have to have a talk with him. It's just hard though because whenever I talk to him about how uncomfortable I feel with their relationship, he accuses me of just being jealous and insecure. He makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 What about if when they talk about sex, It's in a joking way? That's what he says, they "joke" about sex. About him thinking about her while masterbating for example is funny I guess. Just recently she texted him after she found out were engaged. She asked if he proposed during sex. I felt like she was trying to cheapen something special. She then commented about him not wasting any time. But, she did also say congratulations and that she was happy for him. I just feel like she is inappropriate and so is their relationship. Did he really make a joke about thinking of her when he masturbates? IMO, that is crossing the line if he's in a committed relationship. The problem with jokes is that there is often an element of truth in them, and I would be seriously wondering about my fiance making such jokes with a woman who is supposedly "just a friend" and why he thinks that is at all aprropriate. Honestly, this sounds more and more like an emotional affair he's having with her, with the potential to become a physical affair, if it isn't one already. Yes, I do think she was cheapening something important in your fiance's life with her comments, whether she consciously meant to or not. She obviously does not like you and does not want your fiance to be with you. Why has she continued to stay connected with him if she doesn't agree with his choice to be with you? Why does your fiance want to keep someone around who does not support his relationship? He's known her only slightly longer than he's known you. "Just friends" doesn't cut it. There is something all very, very wrong among the three of you, but I can't say for sure what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doitright Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 He didn't joke about the masterbation thing, she did. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 It looks like I have to have a talk with him. It's just hard though because whenever I talk to him about how uncomfortable I feel with their relationship, he accuses me of just being jealous and insecure. He makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. His behaviour is inappropriate. He's creating drama by not setting boundaries with this so-called friend. However, it doesn't sound like he will ever own up to it though, or that he will willing change his behaviour. While recommending some books to someone else, I ran across this one: Not Just Friends. I haven't read it, but I want to. The site I found it on is dedicated to building stronger relationships. I can't say if it would help you or not, but you may want to check it out. She joked about it? Still inappropriate, but your fiance shouldn't let stuff like that slide. I think she's interested in him and always has been. Apparently she's not giving up. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 She joked about it? Still inappropriate, but your fiance shouldn't let stuff like that slide. That's a good point, OP. Regardless of whether her behaviors are inappropriate or not, your fiance is responsible for maintaining and enforcing his personal boundaries regarding your engagement. His words and actions are completely his choice, as are the consequences of them. whenever I talk to him about how uncomfortable I feel with their relationship, he accuses me of just being jealous and insecure. He makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. Response: 'That's (I'm being jealous and insecure) possible. I'd like to explore that with you in PMC. Let's go next week' Listen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
venusianx13 Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 It really doesn't matter who made the joke...it was definitely ill intended, as were the comments she made about you, your engagement, etc. ALL OF IT crosses the line, and your boyfriend allowed it to. If any of my guy friends said anything like that to me, I'd be extremely annoyed and feel very disrespected (I'd likely not speak with them again, too). We joke around, but not like that. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 I stand by my response to your other thread about this.. His relationship with her is very inappropriate. Talking about sex with her is way crossing the line and VERY disrespectful to you. Talking to her after she has called you names is disrespectful. Unfortunately, you have basically let this go on for so long w/o putting your foot down that its now moot to even bring it up. You should have told him early on that if he was in contact with someone like that he was not going to have you. Why would you move in with and get engaged to someone who you honestly cant even trust? If he hasn't cheated on you, he probably will. So basically now you have 2 choices. Your bf obviously doesn't care enough about you to let this "friend" go, so you can: 1. leave 2. deal with it In the future, if you don't marry this guy, don't date men who wanna be BFF with women. I don't. Has worked out great for me so far A man confiding in a woman who is not his SO about his feelings and whatnot is what leads to affairs / cheating. Most cheating doesn't happen in ONS and the like...it happens between FRIENDS. People who put their focus on a friendship rather than their SO!! Think about it. All his interactions with this woman are positive, happy, fun! He can talk about his feelings and he has fun. Some of his interactions w/ you are bound to be negative since you are his SO and see him in a way his friend doesn't. So what happens? he goes and talks to his bestie gal pal about his feelings and thinks wow...this girl is so fun and I can talk to her about anything and there is never any of the fights and stuff that come with a relationship, she is sooo great!! Bad situation here, just asking for trouble...its a slippery slope honey and you shoulda nipped this s.hit in the bud. if your bf was interested in PROTECTING his relationship with you, he wouldn't have this type of relationship with another woman. And will add...opposite sex friends should be friends OF THE COUPLE. Not of one half of it. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 9, 2013 Share Posted January 9, 2013 :(I have a situation. My boyfriend has several female friends. Most of them he rarely sees, just Facebook pals mostly. But, one in peticular we fight about frequently. He only met her a couple of months before he met me (not a long time friendship). She was a client of his when he was a Personal Trainer, but they became friends outside of that. When we first started dating, before it got serious, I found out through his Facebook that she called me names. I was referred to as "WT" (white trash), a "filler" (until he got something real), a liar and a joke. This was about 1 year ago. He remained friends with her, but told her she could no longer talk about me like that. He was been living with me for about 7 mos and just got engaged. They continue to talk. It bothers me because they talk about sex and very personal things. We continue to fight over her after the engagement. He always defends her against me and acts as if I can't accept her, the relationship won't work. He is a very private person and he doesn't always share his feeling with me. But, he is always willing to share his feelings with her. I have been researching this and according to many, men and women can't be "just friends", but then you should not try to control who your significant other's friends are. How should I handle this? I don't want to ruin my relationship.:(:( I cant be friends with people, who disrespect my partner......i give them three chances, i pull them up i ask them not to speak like that it upsets me, if they publicise hattred or hateful comments....its over period......i ask fro peopel to respect my decisions whatever they may be.......who i am with where i go what i do ....i make my own choices either you are my friend and respect me and my partner....or find another friend.....im not the friend for you...i dont think your partner allowing public hateful shaming comments is a good sign....not loyal....allowing something to go ahead for soemoen to be hurt emotionally or physically is wrong....i cant even do that to strangers i would say hey lay off for a stranger, for a partner..i wouldnt even have to think...automatic....three strikes your out.and i would not be friendly anymore it would be indifference towards them and see ya have a good life........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts