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Talks about her EX... Red Flag?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 5th November 2012, 12:00 AM   #1
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Talks about her EX... Red Flag?

Been dating a nice girl for 3 months (seeing her for 4 and a half).

During the course she would bring up her ex, sometimes referring to him as "my boyfriend". Other times "My boyfriend at the time" or "My ex".

It sort of bothers me because wether it be positive things to say or negative, he pops up in convo.

Does this mean He is on her mind a lot?

She dated him for about 5 years, 4 of them being long distance. She mentioned that she thought they'd get married one day when she was younger. They've been separated for 2 years and she saw other people in that time, and briefly dated a fella before meeting me.

I confronted her about the whole thing and asked her if she was over him. She said yes she didnt want him but I kept digging and she eventually busted out crying saying that she treated him poorly at during the relationship, and feels guilty. Apparently, after they broke up two years ago, he told her friends that she really hurt him and now it makes her feel bad (baggage much?)

I asked her to try and explain in its simplest form what was bothering her. She said she wanted him to know that she was sorry, she cares about him, and she wants him to be happy. I asked her what she wanted, telling her that she needed to sort out her feelings, and that I didnt think she was over him, etc because this isn't fair to me, her or anyone.

She tells me that she wasn't happy with him, and now she is happy with me, and that she wants me. I told her to pray about it and to think about what she really wants.

I figured I'd give her some time to think about that, but today when we were out to lunch, she brought him up again. This time, as "my ex" (I think it was intentional to show that shes not going to refer to him as her BF) and it was slightly negative, but why oh why would he pop up again?


Ah, LS'rs how I've missed it here I'm thinking about ending things if they dont change.. what do you think I should do, and why?
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Old 5th November 2012, 4:34 AM   #2
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Does this mean He is on her mind a lot?
Eh, I don't know. It depends on how he comes up and why. If she continuously brings him up out of the blue to say something specifically about him, then yes, he's probably on her mind a lot. After two years, she should have moved on from that part of her life.


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today when we were out to lunch, she brought him up again. This time, as "my ex" (I think it was intentional to show that shes not going to refer to him as her BF) and it was slightly negative, but why oh why would he pop up again?
Well, this is kind of bad. Was it maybe relevant to the conversation? I'm hoping it was just an innocent "Then my ex said this" that came up while she was telling a story about something else.

Does she understand that it's not really about what she calls him, the problem is that he comes up at all? Maybe you didn't make that clear enough. Try again, nicely. Or wait until the next time she brings him up, then address it right then and there. "I don't want to talk about your ex. Let's talk about something else." If she doesn't get it, then you have a problem.
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Old 5th November 2012, 4:40 AM   #3
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How often do you see and talk to this girl? Don't mention her ex anymore. If she brings him up in the next two weeks, you need to back off from this relationship.
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Old 5th November 2012, 8:59 AM   #4
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Eh, I don't know. It depends on how he comes up and why. If she continuously brings him up out of the blue to say something specifically about him, then yes, he's probably on her mind a lot. After two years, she should have moved on from that part of her life.
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Well, this is kind of bad. Was it maybe relevant to the conversation? I'm hoping it was just an innocent "Then my ex said this" that came up while she was telling a story about something else.
I think it happens fairly often, at least once out of every few conversations we have, but not every time i see her. Put it this way, it happens enough for me to notice. For example, yesterday she was telling me about how she likes to stay active and learn a new hobby every time school is out. She went on to say that she learned how to play tennis, and ended up beating her Ex (thats when she used the term "my ex" which I thought was planted intentionally) she then went on to say that she beat him in everything and he would get mad because he was so competitive and sometimes she would lose to make him happy. One time that really sticks out is earlier in our relationship she was talking about how school would stress her out, but it made it so she couldnt keep her hands off of "her boyfriend".


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Does she understand that it's not really about what she calls him, the problem is that he comes up at all? Maybe you didn't make that clear enough. Try again, nicely. Or wait until the next time she brings him up, then address it right then and there. "I don't want to talk about your ex. Let's talk about something else." If she doesn't get it, then you have a problem.
I don't think she realizes that the frequency is the issue not the title of the character. I did tell her recently that she spoke often about him, but told her my fear wasn't that she was still hung up on him, it was that she may bury her feelings now that I address them. Thats the last thing I want. If she isn't over him, I'd rather things go on how they are so that its easier for me to make that diagnosis and part ways with her instead of her just internalizing whatever she feels for the guy. Thats why I guess I should just observe a bit more.
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Old 5th November 2012, 9:04 AM   #5
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How often do you see and talk to this girl? Don't mention her ex anymore. If she brings him up in the next two weeks, you need to back off from this relationship.
I see her maybe twice a week since we have opposite work schedules, but I am in constant contact through electronics (mainly text)

I would say 99 percent of the time she mentions him, I don't think i ever do.

If you read my previous posts, you guys will see why I made Loveshack my home for a few months. I was completely head over heels in love with a girl, but I never brought her up in my current relationship because its just rude. I told my GF that the women of my past are in my past for a reason.

Yeah, I may have to back off, sucks that its around the holiday season just like last time.
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Old 5th November 2012, 9:20 AM   #6
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I think you should let her go for two reasons: #1 She's not over her ex. She obviously still has very strong feelings for him, and you don't want to have him be a part of your relationship with her, which is what is happening when she keeps bringing him up when she is out with you. #2 She is showing an insensitivity to your feelings when she is giving him so much mental energy while in your presence. I'd say both of those factors are red flags.
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Old 5th November 2012, 10:02 AM   #7
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It's too bad since you really like her, but I agree that she still has unresolved feelings for him. She may not be in love with him still, but a guilty conscience is a strong feeling. You're just sick to your stomach that you hurt someone and it's not easy to shake. Maybe all she needs to do is apologize to the guy and then she'll be able to move on completely.
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Old 8th November 2012, 12:48 PM   #8
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The rule I have come to stand by is that if someone is often mentioning their ex, EVEN IF, and sometimes MORESO, if it's in a negative light, they have truly not come to terms with the demise of that relationship for whatever reason. I suppose, yes, there will be times when it might be called for to mention the ex if a story is being told about a vacation or some other sort of life event that took place, but referral to the ex should be relatively respectful, if not neutral, and not contain much detail (especially sexual - that's really inappropriate and disrespectful).

There is no room for your relationship to grow if the ghost of her ex/her lapsed relationship still occupies this much space in her heart.
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Old 8th November 2012, 1:15 PM   #9
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So I had a talk with her last night. I asked her if she had given any thought to what we had discussed a few days ago. She said that she had been praying about it and searching for a way to show me that she has no feeling for him.

I told her about what I thought, if he's in your words, he's in your thoughts which means he's on your mind which "could" mean he's in your heart. She had no response other than I don't know what to say other than "I don't want him"

I asked her to tell me what tell me what she feels toward him now (knowing from breakup experience that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference) she told me that she felt nothing for him, that if she saw him on the street he would be another guy and wouldn't phase her. She said she only wishes him well. (The answer I was looking for)

When they split she felt bad for the way she got out of the relationship. While they were together she said she was unhappy and instead of communicating that or just ending it, she pushed him away. I thought that maybe the strong emotion was not love but an unresolved guilt.

Dug some more and she confessed that after about a month of being broken up, she approached him and suggested that they try again.
*heres where it gets interesting*
His response in her words, "We need some time apart.. We should not talk for a while" I think she realized how that sounds and tried to reshuffle the meaning.
She admitted that it threw her off because when she ended it she has the power and when he said no to round 2, it stripped her of power.

I felt like we wrapped it up after that, believed her that she no longer had any feelings for him. I stated my case that I knew we were you g in our relationship and I didn't expect all of her heart "up front" but I wanted to know that ALL of it was available. That she wasn't reserving a piece for him. That I didn't want to fight a ghost of her past because I wouldn't win.
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Old 8th November 2012, 1:20 PM   #10
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So I had a talk with her last night. I asked her if she had given any thought to what we had discussed a few days ago. She said that she had been praying about it and searching for a way to show me that she has no feeling for him.

I told her about what I thought, if he's in your words, he's in your thoughts which means he's on your mind which "could" mean he's in your heart. She had no response other than I don't know what to say other than "I don't want him"

I asked her to tell me what tell me what she feels toward him now (knowing from breakup experience that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference) she told me that she felt nothing for him, that if she saw him on the street he would be another guy and wouldn't phase her. She said she only wishes him well. (The answer I was looking for)

When they split she felt bad for the way she got out of the relationship. While they were together she said she was unhappy and instead of communicating that or just ending it, she pushed him away. I thought that maybe the strong emotion was not love but an unresolved guilt.

Dug some more and she confessed that after about a month of being broken up, she approached him and suggested that they try again.
*heres where it gets interesting*
His response in her words, "We need some time apart.. We should not talk for a while" I think she realized how that sounds and tried to reshuffle the meaning.
She admitted that it threw her off because when she ended it she has the power and when he said no to round 2, it stripped her of power.

I felt like we wrapped it up after that, believed her that she no longer had any feelings for him. I stated my case that I knew we were you g in our relationship and I didn't expect all of her heart "up front" but I wanted to know that ALL of it was available. That she wasn't reserving a piece for him. That I didn't want to fight a ghost of her past because I wouldn't win.
I think it's great you got to the heart of the matter. Just a word of caution though, it's easy to say words. What action is she going to take to change what caused this problem in the first place? When confronted, people do say things out of fear of losing their SO, but it's the actions that count.
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Old 8th November 2012, 1:29 PM   #11
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I completely agree River Rain. I told her my biggest fear was not losing her to him, it was making myself vulnerable, expressing concern and having her bury any ex related feelings in fear of losing me. I want an open line of communication. I told her that I understood that she spent a better part of her adult life with the guy and will naturally draw from memory that he may be a part of. I'm fine with that.

Actions speak louder than words, from a woman's perspective, of you were her, and wanted to show me that you were over him how would you do it? I guess what I'm asking is, What do I look for?
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Old 8th November 2012, 1:37 PM   #12
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I completely agree River Rain. I told her my biggest fear was not losing her to him, it was making myself vulnerable, expressing concern and having her bury any ex related feelings in fear of losing me. I want an open line of communication. I told her that I understood that she spent a better part of her adult life with the guy and will naturally draw from memory that he may be a part of. I'm fine with that.

Actions speak louder than words, from a woman's perspective, of you were her, and wanted to show me that you were over him how would you do it? I guess what I'm asking is, What do I look for?
It's hard to say because, if I understand, the problem is that she keeps bringing him up and focusing on him because of her guilty conscious? And this silly notion that she lost her power? (sorry I think it's silly)

I think that she has to do something about that first and foremost. She has to admit and accept the reason she feels guilty (which she has), then ask herself if there is a way to make it right. If there is, she has to take that action, like I mentioned earlier, an apology to him. Then she has to accept the fact that he may not care or accept her apology. She'll have to modify her behaviour, i.e. stop talking about him in the way she has, and focus herself on you and your relationship. She hasn't moved on, but she has to make the choice to move on by doing all these things to prove to you that she wants to be with you out of love and respect, not just out of fear of losing you.

As for the power thing, that's just her still feeling the sting of rejection. She has to accept that he didn't want her anymore, and that's 100% a choice. She's hurt and probably angry, though she says she feels nothing for him, it's not true if she is still upset. If she's holding on to the pain of being rejected, she'll never be able to move on and give you herself.

I speak from experience. I just let my ex go because he was all words during our second chance, but he didn't follow up with his actions.
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Old 9th November 2012, 6:08 PM   #13
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Forget it. She is not over him. Just let her go. She need to grieve. She still loves him, and think about him all the time, and you are the rebound. She problaby cheated on him, sounds like it to me. So she might do that to you? Do a test, try and get her to meet her ex. Say I think you should meet him to clear things up. Then see what happens. Spy if you have to. If not then just dump her. Life goes on.
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Old 14th November 2012, 3:37 PM   #14
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Been dating a nice girl for 3 months (seeing her for 4 and a half).

During the course she would bring up her ex, sometimes referring to him as "my boyfriend". Other times "My boyfriend at the time" or "My ex"
I'm confused, if she speaks about him and refers to him as her boyfriend then that is a major red flag. Why not just call him an ex? "My boyfriend at the time" is one thing, but "my boyfriend" is utterly disrespectful to you.
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Old 18th November 2012, 3:15 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by youngster View Post
Been dating a nice girl for 3 months (seeing her for 4 and a half).

During the course she would bring up her ex, sometimes referring to him as "my boyfriend". Other times "My boyfriend at the time" or "My ex".

It sort of bothers me because wether it be positive things to say or negative, he pops up in convo.

Does this mean He is on her mind a lot?

She dated him for about 5 years, 4 of them being long distance. She mentioned that she thought they'd get married one day when she was younger. They've been separated for 2 years and she saw other people in that time, and briefly dated a fella before meeting me.

I confronted her about the whole thing and asked her if she was over him. She said yes she didnt want him but I kept digging and she eventually busted out crying saying that she treated him poorly at during the relationship, and feels guilty. Apparently, after they broke up two years ago, he told her friends that she really hurt him and now it makes her feel bad (baggage much?)

I asked her to try and explain in its simplest form what was bothering her. She said she wanted him to know that she was sorry, she cares about him, and she wants him to be happy. I asked her what she wanted, telling her that she needed to sort out her feelings, and that I didnt think she was over him, etc because this isn't fair to me, her or anyone.

She tells me that she wasn't happy with him, and now she is happy with me, and that she wants me. I told her to pray about it and to think about what she really wants.

I figured I'd give her some time to think about that, but today when we were out to lunch, she brought him up again. This time, as "my ex" (I think it was intentional to show that shes not going to refer to him as her BF) and it was slightly negative, but why oh why would he pop up again?


Ah, LS'rs how I've missed it here I'm thinking about ending things if they dont change.. what do you think I should do, and why?
First off don't ever be the rebound if you're looking for a LTR. Second if you are giving the ex any credit this relationship will not work. there are exceptions, but she not respect you at all if you don't sweep her away.
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