How to best tell my GF I cheated and want to break up?

[ecarg515]

What would be the best way to tell my girlfriend I cheated on her and that I don't want to be together anymore?

 

Back story (if you care to read. Kinda long):

 

We've dated for over 3 years now, both 24yrs/old. We've had some rough patches, but the roughest was about a year and a half ago when she moved away for her new job and we were doing distance and she cheated on me. It wasn't a one time **** up, more of an affair type as she had at least one **** buddy that I found out about. We broke up at that point, but still stayed in touch/contact (she'd visit me) for about 6 months. I suffered anxiety issues from this (she was my first, both gf and sexually) and tried to move on, but couldn't find anyone new. Eventually I took her back, and about a year ago we moved in together about 4 hours away from where she was, for job/school reasons and I wouldn't have a worry that she was still seeing this guy.

 

Ever since that happened our sex life was virtually over. We were having sex about once every month/month and a half. Our intimacy was gone in the bedroom and about 4 months ago we starting fighting alot. I was starting to feel the relationship falling apart as i'm sure she was as well. We tried to do cute things to revitalize our relationship, but nothing was working. About 3 months ago she put a passlock on her phone and blocked messages from showing up on her front screen (iphone). She claimed she was doing it for work because she claimed people are nosey and go through others phones, but she said she would remove the lock. I told her i didn't care, but realistically I felt something was up because the last time she was secretive on her phone, she was cheating. She never did remove the lock and I saw her input her password the one day, but i held off snooping through, trying to trust her.

 

During this time and for a few weeks prior she had been talking about how excited she was to go to her moms lake house for vacation and see her family (i didn't get it off work). Then out of no where, about 3 days before she was to go to her moms, she badly wanted to go to her dads house, who happens to live in the same city as the guy she cheated on me with. Note: She hates her dads house because it's really boring. I had a feeling something was up, so when she was at work i went into her ipad which is updated from her phone via icloud to see if texts were also uploaded. They weren't, but i did notice that she recently had changed the name of the guy she cheated on me with in her contacts, to the same name as her best friend. I then went into her facebook and noticed he had sent her a private message 2 days before all of this saying how much he missed her and what not, but she did not reply (on fb at least). I confronted her about all of this and she promised me that was not what was going on, she got the message on FB and was afraid he'd text her and she didnt want me to see it and get mad so she changed his name and so on and to make me feel better, she'll go to her moms for vaca.

 

I let her go and used the few days away to think about things and when she got back I told her I wanted to break up. I didn't think she would be as upset as she got, but holy hell she was freaking out. She began crying so much and hyperventilating, and called into work (where shes a manager), and was nearly suicidal. I really didn't feel a thing about the breakup, didn't care at all, but i just didn't want her to harm herself, so i did the stupid thing and stuck with her.

 

About 2 months ago we moved into a new place with another couple (had this planned and payed for prior to the breakup). She's been on ultra good behavior and we've been having sex about 3-4 times a week, but i still wasnt feeling reconnected.

 

Then there is this really hot girl that is best friends with my roommates and is always at our house and spends the night at least twice a week. For about the past month her and i have been fooling around sexually (haven't actually had sex yet though as it's hard to not get caught) and she wants me to leave my GF for her. I DO NOT want to be with this new chick, as i would for sure get cheated on (ironic, i know, im a cheater), but it got me to thinking that i really need to let my GF go. She's been suspicious of me and this other girl lately and has been asking if we've done anything, cuz if i did she wouldn't leave me, but i'd be in the "dog house", or if the other girl has tried anything and i've denied it. I think I should tell her, but i don't know how without worrying about her harming herself.

 

Lately my GF has been extremely happy between us and really lovey and i've honestly been pretty happy myself. She's also been asking all of the time when i'm going to propose to her as i foolishly let her talk me into buying her engagement ring from the jewelery store she works at about 6 months ago, so i don't want to randomly just be like "hey, i want to break up" when things are going really good (i don't expect the good to last). I kind of want to let her know that I cheated, and it lead me to thinking that we've both done it, and it seems like a vicious cycle we keep doing to each other and we just need to break up at this point. This way she would get more angry than depressed. But i feel it could really backfire and she could get double depressed.

 

So, loveshack, what should i do? How can I let her go in the best way, that would least likely drop her into depression? Should i mention cheating with the other girl or leave that out?

Edited September 4, 2012 by ecarg515

[betterdeal]

You can't be happy by staying with someone out of fear they'll commit violence (against themselves or others) if you leave. I suggest you read this article http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201003/what-do-when-feeling-manipulated-suicide-threats which I think gives good advice on how to deal with a suicidal person during a break up.

[ecarg515]

thanks! That will help a lot, but any suggestions as to how i go about sitting her down and telling her how i feel and that i dont want to be together? Im not the best (obviously) at breaking up with her. Im really particular on timing with things and if i dont feel its the right time (or way), i wont do it. Help!

[navyblueskies]

The truth is, ecarg, that there is no best way or time to break up with someone. If you do it early on in the day, at least she can sleep at night or find someone to comfort her, meaning a friend of course. One way to do it is by third party, saying that you two go to couples counseling. I think this would be the best solution, even though it's not ideal. Another situation would be when you know she is either about to hang out with family and friends; tell her three hours before hand so she doesn't mope by herself into a depression. I think it's unnecessary to tell her that you cheated on her, especially since you don't plan on being with her anymore. That kind of informational will only be harmful to someone who threatens suicide. Just sit her somewhere, like at a park or something, and tell her then. Pick a time out of your week and just make a plan for the time. Maybe grab some lunch with her and set her down by a pond or ocean somewhere, and tell her how you feel. I just wouldn't bring up any of the cheating, on both sides, because that only brings into self-blame for anything, which is unhealthy on top of the breakup. Also, plan on finding a new place to live before all this happens. The process will suck, but it needs to happen. It's the only way you can find a healthy relationship.

[betterdeal]

I like navyblueskies' suggestion, and I'll add this: just say what you just said in your last post, i.e. "I don't want to be with you any more" and start from there.