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Boyfriend's "Fantasy Life" ..


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I would like to hear from other's to see what they feel about this..

 

Basically.. a month or so ago.. I saw a picture on my boyfriends computer while he was surfing through files (I was helping him with a project) with the same name as his ex-girl friend. Ironically.. I knew she e-mailed him recently to tell him she was getting married.. and a general "how are you doing ?" kind of thing.... which I was nervous of at first.. but he explained that the day he and his ex girlfriend broke up was the biggest relief of his life and..... I know he always tells me how no girl has ever treated him the way I do.. so I kind of felt okay about it.. and understood it was just two people who use to know each other saying "hello"...(they broke up over 4 years ago.. we've been together 2 1/2)

 

but when I saw that there was a picture named his ex.... I got nervous again. A long story short..... it was brought up during a heated argument last night (it was kind of boiling up inside of me..) and he said "want to see the picture ? fine..."

 

so he showed me the picture..... and it was a screen shot he took while he was watching a porn movie he downloaded...... he said the movie was cheesy so he didn't want to keep it... so he took two screen shots.... and named them his ex girlfriend because the girl looked like his ex....... and that's why he saved them. He has a special folder for all his porn.., and he put those pictures in there.

 

 

Now.. I don't care at all that he jacks off to porn...... we do it together all the time........... but i was hysterical for a few hours over this last night. He said that he didn't want me to see that...... and it never occured to him at the time that something like that would hurt my feelings.... but he said that his "fantasy life" was his....... and it isn't any of my business...... and that if he wants to jack off to monkey porn.. he should be able too.....

 

i understand his point.. that fantasy is fantasy............... and he told me that those pictures meant nothing...and he atually hasn't even looked at them since ( a month ago).... and it wouldn't bother him in the slightest to delete them....

 

But i don't want to dictate his life , and tell him to throw away pictures.. and delete things like I know his past ex- girlfriends have.

 

But how do I deal with his "fantasy life" when it's him saving a picture and naming it after his ex-girlfriend because it looks like her ?

I know the picture doesn't mean anything, like any of his porn. but.......... for some reason this one kinda hurts.

 

I was mad for a few hours.. but I eventually came to terms and realised that it wasn't worth breaking up over...... and that....... i told him if something turns him on.. then something turns him on....... and..... it's really no business of mine. He loves me, we have great sex.. and that is that.

 

I still have residual nervousness when I think of it......I need to get over it. Mainly now.. because I know she wrote him an e-mail recently telling him about her getting married ..... and because they are in "contact".

I told him I don't want them to become penpals and that i don't mind him writing back.......... but after the pictures it just makes me too uncomfortable.

 

What are your opinions ?

Fantasy life was easier when it was in the mind.... and not on the computer. It seems more of a reality then.

 

- bittersweets

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Hmm.

 

He's personalizing the porn, that's a completely different arena than just watching plain ol' porn, if he's associating it with an ex...that's kinda weird.

 

But you are right, it's not worth breaking up over. He's with you, he loves you, so stick with him, talk it through.

 

I gotta say, how you seem, you appear to be a very well rounded, mature, great girlfriend. He's a lucky guy.

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Yes, the "personal" part of it.. is mainly what got to me. A discussion my boyfriend and I had a long time ago, was that how porn is a healthy thing .. and that i shouldn't worry because they are just pictures with out names.. and no "attatchment" to the people.... they mean nothing and are just used for a release....

 

And.. him saving those pictures because they resemebled a girl he use to know..... isn't at all his old "explanation" of healthy porn.

So.. yeah.. it makes me feel a little weird.. and hurt.

 

He said that there has to be something "attractive" about any of the past women he was been with.. otherwise he probably wouldn't have dated them........ so.. he was just saving a picture of what he thought was an attractive girl..... who happened to have features that looked like his ex....

 

He has every right to have his fantasy life..., I know. I just hope he cuts off these e-mails , and I'll feel much better.

He always tells me how I am the best girlfriend in everyway that he's ever had...... and that no one has done more for him...... and that I was the most beautiful girl he's been with.....(and his co workers have told me so..too).. so it gives me some confidence to shrug it off easier.... cheesy enough. I kind of have to re-think positive "me" thoughts, and it makes it seem silly.

 

It also makes me wonder where the boundries are... I'd feel uncomfortable if this went on...... with not just ex girlfriend but his friends at work.. or whereever...... I don't like the idea of him having personalised porn....

But he says its none of my business.... and what he wants to share with me in that area.. he will.

 

Anyway, I am writing novels.....

 

-Thanks for any replies ;-)

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I suspect the issue here, as Kevin pointed out, is not porn but the masturbatory identification and linkage of an ex-girl friend and screen shots of a porn starlet sitting on his hard drive.

 

Putting myself in your shoes, if my wife's ex-boyfriend looked like Ron Jeremy and she had a couple of naked screen shots of an aroused Ron on her hard drive, and which she renamed in honor of her ex and uses to occasionally masturbate to, I'd be a little freaked. (Although I'm a secure guy. :) )

 

Your bf has overstepped boundaries and made his porn consumption very , very personal. And his porn and fantasy life is your business if he's jacking-off to a porn starlet whom he believes resembles his ex and whom he re-names after his ex.

 

Tell him to hit the delete button.

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Hey, I feel your pain. I understand how you feel. However, you should not let porn pictures trash your relationship. Especially 2 1/2 years. Guys are most stimulated by visual senses, so that's why 99% of them are into looking at porn. Let me ask? Do you watch porn with him? Maybe that's something you should try. You say you have a great sex life together, and that's wonderful. There's always....always room for improvement or change. Try dressing in sexy lingerie, do a strip tease for him, take polaroids of eachother naked. I know that letting him have a naked pic of you can, in some ways, be risky. If you trust him enough though, try it! At least he'd be jacking off to nude pics of you (his current girlfriend) instead of someother chic.

I have a boyfriend that has a huge photo album of all his 40+ girls he dated or went steady with. He refuses to get rid of it, and I would never ask him too. It kind of bothered me for a while, but I got over it because I thought, hey....I know he loves me and if he still wanted any of these other girls, then he'd be with them. I know I'd probably freak if I found nude pics of some girl and his ex's name on them. That's quite a blow to the self confidence. Don't yell at him about them....talk to him. Tell him that it really does bother you. Explain that, while you don't mind if he looks at porn, you'd really rather not have it be any association with any of his ex's. I think the email from his ex and porns pics with her name are just a bad circumstance. She happened to email him, and then he found a naked pic that reminded him of her. Had it not been that she emailed him, he may have not even related those pics to her. He would most likely feel the same way if the tables were turned. Guys are such strange creatures. I've seen it all. Almost.

The most important thing.....keep your cool and stay confident. Having great self confidence is something a man can't ever resist. But....don't be oblivious to what's in the real picture. Proceed with caution. If you can honestly say that you have no doubt whatsoever that he loves you, then I don't think you have a whole lot to worry about.

Your boyfriend being open about sexual things can be a huge plus. More room for exploration. Get down and dirty with him......maybe he'll watch you instead of the porn.

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faith-

 

Thankyou so much for your reply. I encourage my boyfriend to look at porn with me.... and more often that not i am doing something along the lines of strip teases, etc. I like to wear certain outfits I know turn him on.... and all in all I say our relationship in that area is great.

 

A lot of people would probably act a lot worse over what happened than I did...... I think 6 months ago I might have gone off a cliff over it. Apart of me is trying to understand that yeah.. even though there is a personal connection to that picture...... that it wasn't his ex girlfriend... if it actually WAS her.. it would be a different story... and he even said that would be wrong.

But either way.... if he likes to look at something, and it makes him happy..... shouldn't it make me happy ? After all.. I want him to be happy and sexually pleased.

 

It's a strange circumstance. I am kind of sitting here going back and forth on the subject.. trying to calm my self.... and trying to tell my self it's no big deal...... which it isn't.

I think I am smart enough to know when the boundries are really crossed.....although this is kind of drawing the line.

 

It will only hurt my confidence if I allow it too.. I won't let it.

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I'm glad to hear that I helped a little. I know it's hard not to freak. Just stay confident. When I hear my boyfriend talk about his ex's, it just makes me want to jump his bones....just to remind him who's giving him the booty. I don't speak a word that it bothers me, I just deal with it. I always do little things to remind him, like come up from behind and kiss the back of his neck. Bottom line....if you know he loves you, don't worry about it.

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Have you tried to get at the real core of what is bothering you? As in, peel back layer after layer of feeling until you get to some that seem really core.

 

TOP LAYER OF FEELING: I freaked out when I saw the porn named after his ex.

 

NEXT LAYER: I realized he was thinking about his ex sexually.

 

NEXT: I thought he might prefer her to me sexually.

 

NEXT: I am afraid he will leave me for someone he prefers sexually.... or whatever it may be.

 

If successful, this kind of thinking through can lead you to either realize the whole business is not a big deal, or that it is. While doing this, just focus on YOUR feelings - not his actions or any "shoulds". What was your gut telling you?

 

And BTW - thanks for adding some of the missing nuance to our porn discussions. Your situation gets very close to the core of what I feel many women are objecting to when they point the finger at porn.

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I feel that the entire reason porn generally is not a betrayal to one's partner is because there is no emotional connection to the physical act of touching yourself to it. Naming porn leads to an emotional connection, and he's no longer focusing on the picture, as much as the name attached to the picture. As others have mentioned, it's just plain weird--and I feel you have a right to be upset about it. I'm not sure how getting hysterical will help things, but I do think you're in the right--if that's any solace.

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To me that such BS. You shoudn't have to rationalize or try to make this your fault for the way you are feeling. This guy is TOTALLY disrespecting you as a person, friend and a mate. Its pretty obvious he still thinks about his ex in that way, which is totally wrong. Its just like that other post where during sex this guy is thinking of other people, one which is his ex's.

 

Looking at porn is one thing, but to keep pictures and name them after his ex is messed up. For him saying he didnt view it in months is just his way of trying to 'soften' the sting some. He's lying. Any guy willing to go through that much trouble and keep it on his computer that long has to be viewing it more than once every few months.

 

Actually I wouldn't even ask him to delete it. If he doesnt do it on his own, then you know his true intentions. You know that he's not looking at you the same as he does his ex gf's or whatever. Maybe his ex's were attractive, but that's the reason why they are ex's! They are in the the past. It all depends if you want to constantly be compared to his ex's the way he's doing this.

 

Next time you look at a porn with him point out and say 'Oh, he looks like a guy I used to date' and see his reaction. I can guarantee that'll get him going..

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I think SoleMate "peeled" it to the point.

 

Porn belongs to fantasy land, masturbation also, wether you fantasise about your current partner, ex's, former teacher, thai whores (that's one of my bf's fantasies) it doesn't really matter because most of the times you don't even want it to become real.

 

The only thing that matters here is that he loves you, he wants to be with you and he wants to have sex with you. You're the one his heart belongs to. And what if he fantasises with other girls? If he stopped having sex with you or enjoying it because you didn't filled up his fantasies that would be a problem. But that doesn't happen. So why suffer because of it?

 

I'm saying this but I now it's not easy. I have lots of issues because my bf's ex. But in the end you just have to feel your heart, if you know he loves you why bother with one pic?

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I feel that the entire reason porn generally is not a betrayal to one's partner is because there is no emotional connection to the physical act of touching yourself to it.

 

Dyermaker...are you describing the way YOU use porn? I would imagine that porn can be used in many ways - some of which have a lot of emotional content and some of which have less or none. Some modes build a barrier, some a bridge, and some are neutral. Some symbolize and exacerbate sexual and emotional alienation from and abandonment of the partner, and some don't.

 

I believe that you and other posters are telling the truth when you say that porn is non-emotional for you and does not take away from a relationship. And yet we see many examples - like the present one - where porn is invested with personal meanings that are potentially threatening to a relationship, or where porn and masturbation are used to build a separate, solo sex life that denies the connection between partners.

 

If porn is entertainment, or enhances the shared sex life, or is an occasional solo pleasure, I would not be bothered by it.

 

If porn is nostalgic longing for a past or future lover, or detracts from the shared sex life, or reduces the sexual energy available to me, then I call it a problem.

 

And let's be clear about this. The piece of paper or the DVD is usually not inherently evil or destructive. It is the reasons for its use, the way it is used, and the thoughts that are evoked that will have the moral content. But we human beings are simple creatures at times, and the tangible piece of paper will serve as the focus for energy better directed at the intangible problems.

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Context, not size, matters.

 

Porn is an eroticized tool. As a tool it can be used to build or cement intimate relationships --porn as a "bridge."

 

Or, as a weapon, porn can be used to build walls around a spouse or lover--porn as an"intimacy killer".

 

Just like a hammer can be used as a tool to build a cabinet or as a weapon to bash someone on the head, porn can be used as a tool or, in some relationships, as a weapon.

 

The thing is to avoid absolutes by focusing all the attention on porn in itself--stripped of context.

 

Instead, one should take a pragmatic approach and gauge what effect, if any, a spouse's or lover's porn consumption is having on the quality of life in the context of the relationship.

 

And SoulMate, I commend you for beautifully and eloquently stating this pragmatic, not moralistic, "relationship-effects" test.

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Originally posted by SoleMate

The piece of paper or the DVD is usually not inherently evil or destructive. It is the reasons for its use, the way it is used, and the thoughts that are evoked that will have the moral content. But we human beings are simple creatures at times, and the tangible piece of paper will serve as the focus for energy better directed at the intangible problems.

And that is why those who demonize pronography and blame it for all the ills in their relationships will never be able to save the relationships they are in. They find it easier and more simple to blame the object than look at their partner and in the mirror for the source of their problems.

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BOTTOM LINE:

 

Do you want to live the rest of your life with a man that uses porn? There are men who are porn-free.

 

Do you want to live the rest of your life with a man that doesn't respect how you feel about such a sensitive issue? There are wonderful men who will cherish and respect your every wish.

 

It is a matter of character and be advised that these characteristics will show up in other areas of your life-----

 

Do not try to change him----because you won't. Just know that this will be your life and then don't complain about it later.

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