What do I do from here?

[spikeyjon]

Hi guys,

I'm in some desperate need of advice. My girlfriend and I have been having problems since the last week. On friday, she and I were suppose to go out and do something ( I assumed) but when I called her she said she was going out with her parents and she had other *stuff* to do. So I said alright and I called a friend to see if he wanted to do something, and he said yeah. About an hour later she calls me saying she wanted to do something now. I asked her why and she said because she felt guilty, so I told her yes even though I told my friend I'd go out with him. So the more I thought about it the angrier I became and so I finally decided just to blow her off for the night because of that comment and I would just discuss it with her later. The next morning I called and she was really angry. She said it gave her a lot of time to think since I ditched her that night and she said she felt like it wasn't working anymore. I got upset of course, so upset I threw up on the street when I got out of my car and I left work early. She said she wanted me to call her later that night and I did. She was a lot calmer by this time and I asked her if she still wanted to dump me. "let me just throw this idea out here and tell me what you think: how about we still hang out and talk but we also date other people as well" she says. I told her I didn't like the idea of it but if seeing other people is what would make her happy then I wanted her to do it. I asked her why she wanted to do this and she said she felt like our relationship was routine, lost it's newness, said she couldn't joke around with me anymore because I take it too seriously, that I was always mad, and she didn't know if the problem we were having was a conflict of personalities or if it's something that can be fixed. If she did decide to go date other people, it would be very hard for me but I want her to be happy, she wanted us to still talk if that happened and I told her no, I probably couldn't speak to her again or for a long time because it would hurt too bad to keep in contact with her knowing shes got someone else. But yeah she didnt like that idea either, saying that I gave her an ultamatum (*spelling?) because I havn't had good luck in the past taking back a gf if they decide to leave me for a while and date someone else then come back to me if it doesn't work out, it makes me feel like a scape goat.

 

Anyway, we agreed to stay together and its been 3 days now since that incident. I went to visit her last night and it feels like I'm sitting next to a complete stranger. We talked last night and it just made me feel like complete trash. her idea of joking is to mess with me about how cute other guys are or what she could do to them, and I can blow most of it off but it starts to get annoying after it doesnt stop, you know? And thats why I get mad. She asked me if my parents liked her and I told her they liked her better than all the girls I've brought home so far (which is the truth), and she says " I dont know if seems like a show sometimes" which kind of bothered me for her to say that about my family. Not saying it would happen but we got to talking about her friend's wedding and where they got engaged at. She described the place and it sounded really nice and I said that sounds like somewhere I would go to get engaged and she said it was too cliche' . I had to go to bed so I told her goodnight and she said "if you get bored, want to talk, or want to see other people give me a call" and I asked her about that last part and I asked if we could please try and work past that cause the thought of it bothers me and she said I was being over sensitive.

 

Maybe I am being over sensitive, I'm not sure, but it feels like shes gotten a lot more power since she threatened to break things off and she seems changed like she holds the cards at the table now when it was 50/50. I don't know what to do and I need some advice. Given the situation am I being oversensitive? If so how can I work on just ignoring a lot of the stuff she jokes about or says? Is there something I can tell her so she'll realize that this hurts me or make her stop? I love her, I truly do, but this hurts me and I'm not afraid to end it if thats what needs to be done. I'd prefer if she and I could work it out because of everything we've been through but I just don't know what to do. I'd appreciate any advice, thanks guys

[TEETER]

HMMM... YOU DON'T JOKE AROUND AND SAY OTHER GUYS ARE CUTE TO PISS SOMEONE OFF, IT YOU ARE GOING TO STICK AROUND FOR THAT PLAY HER CHILDISH LITTLE GAMES RIGHT BACK WHEN YOU SEE A GOOD LOOKING GIRL AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT. JUST BY THE WAY YOU HAVE DESCRIBED HER IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER. THERE ARE ACTUALLY A LOT OF GOOD GIRLS OUT THERE, YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THEM, AND DON'T PUT UP WITH THEIR LITTLE GAMES. YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT TO BE IN A COMMITED RELATIONSHIP AND NOT SEE OTHER PEOPLE, THIS GIRL ISN'T THE ONE FOR YOU.

[jmargel]

Spikey,

 

It sounds like sooner or later she's going to start dating other guys. About saying how other guys are cute, etc.. There is a limit on going too far. My gf has seen a guy in public and said that "he's hot", which didnt bother me a whole lot, but if she were to tell me that she wanted to do so-so to him, then that's WAY over the line. She's not respecting you at all when she does that. Not sure how old you are, but it sounds like maybe she hasn't sown her wild oats yet.

 

I dont think that one night where you blew her off made her decide this. Its probably been on her mind for awhile. A relationship isn't about a power struggle. You need more communication if you want it to succeed. If you want to win her heart back, do things with her like you used to do. Surprise her & take her somewhere she likes. Don't keep discussing the situation at hand, because it won't do any good but drive her away further.

 

Write her a letter, a poem, etc.. The reason perhaps she is telling you about these other guys is maybe because she doesnt feel as important as she used to. She also has to 'want' you again. Hopefully my suggestions might help you.

[mintjulep]

I don't know how old you are, but if you're young, this might be her way of pushing you away. Even in adult relationships people often use the break tactic because they feel guilty about wanting to break up. Listen to jmargel, and if she's unresponsive, she's probably done with the relationship, but doesn't know how to tell you. It's hard to pick up a relationship after a big fight, and both people have to be willing. Either that or making her feel a little more appreciated while maintaining a certain level of aloofness can go a long way.

[spikeyjon]

Thanks for the advice guys I really appreciate it. I know building back up is going to be hard but I just don't know how to convince her to want me again or want to build this back up too. It just feels like I don't have 100% of her heart in this with me, you know? When she and I were talking just a little while ago it wasn't hard talking to her but I just felt like she didn't want to show she cared or not. I think the last time she said she loved me was before the fight, even though I tell it to her often...I just a "me too" or "I'll talk to you later back" recently. I know that's not good, but indeed if she does want to leave me, how can I bring her to confess it and just tell me thats what she wants? I'm so confused with signals shes giving me like she'll want me or she'll just talk about those other guys. She'll talk about things we'll do months ahead of time and I'm not even sure if I'll be around next week you know? Any of you have some suggestions how I can sort of calm myself down about the issue or shed some new light on it for me so I can look at it in a different aspect? Thanks guys

[spikeyjon]

if the age factor makes a difference I'm 21

[mintjulep]

I'm so confused with signals shes giving me

I apologize on behalf of my entire gender for this (not all of us do it, but enough that I'm inclined to want to apologize from all of us, lol.) The fact that you're 21 does make a difference, since you're not...oh, 15 . But at 21 a lot of "girls" are still trying to see what's out there before they settle down. I don't know what to really say, except hang in there if you think she's worth it, but don't be a doormat. Girls really do only treat you the way you let them, and some girls have a tendency to test their boundaries, so you have to make sure they're actually there, or she'll walk all over you. Telling you that she likes you is dicey right now. It sounds like she's scared to say, "I love you" and there must be a reason. Making plans for months from now could be a way to assuage her own personal guilt for not wanting to be in a serious relationship right now. Or she could really love you and just be confused because of the fight. It sounds to me as though she isn't terribly serious about you right now, though, from what I've read.

 

I think at 21 you deserve to either be able to sew your own wild oats, or find a girl who's as into you as you are into her.

[glasshammer]

Yeah, express your words in a Poem. She's mentioning the other guys because she may want YOU....