rubie Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Hi everyone. As you can see, I am new here. I found this place when I searched for anything pertaining to jealousy and long distance relationships. I'm happy to be a member here and I love this place so far. Ok, now on to the real reason I am starting this thread: As the description says, I am in a long distance relationship with a guy I've been with for two months. Up until about two weeks ago, it was the fairy tale type relationship we all seem to dream of. However, the reason it was so wonderful and stress/jealousy free was that he was in my town for a month visiting his parents for Christmas break. Anyway, things were wonderful. I will share the whole sweet-n-sappy story about how we met later, when I am in a less negative mood. As the description also states, he works with the cheerleading squad at his college. His job is to hold up the girls while they do splits and all of that sort of thing. His claim is that it means nothing when he has to have his hands all over other girls’ legs, butts, stomachs, etc… However, I am having a hard time accepting this. I want to be fair about this and I want valid opinions here, so let me add that he does get paid about $1,500 a semester to do this, but I do know that he has to enjoy it somewhat. I guess my main concern is that one of his ex’s is on the team. They dated for about two months, until she cheated on him. However, she is his stunt partner, so they have to be pretty close at all times while cheering and in practice. I have been to two of his games where he had to cheer and I noticed that he was talking to the ex in particular. She also sat her self down uncomfortably close to him on the bleachers during the game and on breaks. I guess I get so jealous because since this is a LDR, he spends more time with these girls and his ex than he does with me. I get to see him on most weekends (so far since he has been back at school from Christmas break) and on holidays, so that is good. However, I am just jealous that these girls see more of him than I do. Also, they call him and they all seem to be pretty good friends. I have mentioned to him that it bothers me, and all he could do was tell me that I have nothing to worry about. I don’t want him to quit this for me because I want him to be happy and I don’t want to drive him away by restricting what he can/can’t do. I just don’t know how to handle it. The day at the game, I was okay. I pretended it didn’t bother me. I smiled politely at the girls on his team while they literally stared me down when he was with me. I was reaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllly struggling to keep my cool there, and I did. I was proud of myself, but now that I am back in my home town, it’s eating me up inside since I can’t see him/be with him and those other girls can! This is just one of many issues I am coping with. This is just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to my jealousy problem. So, dissect what I have said and tell me what you think. Be brutal, I can handle it I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Rubie, that is an uncomfortable situation. Have you told him how you feel yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 If he says you have no reason to be worried and you trust him, I think you need to look to yourself to fix your jealousy problem. We all have insecurities and are capable of getting jealous, but it can ruin a really good relationship if you let it get in the way. One of my guy friends in college was a cheerleader, and I can tell you, he was not interested in any of the girls he cheered with. He touched them only when he had to in order to accomplish his job. As for the ex, it's always uncomfortable to have someone they used to date still in the mix in one way or another. But he could have worked things out with her and instead chose to move on and is now with you. I suggest you really start working on your anxiety/frame of mind. If you believe there is nothing to worry about, concentrate on that. I know it's hard, but focus on the great things about your relationship, and try to tune out these other girls. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Hey there. I'm in a long-distance relationship myself, and I know how you feel. My girl has always had a large number of "guy" friends, and from those of whom I met, I'd bet they'd gladly enter if the door was open. I'm over it now. And I got over it without her help at all. I didn't even confront her about it. I knew that this was my weakness, not hers. She loves me. Long distance relationships are tough because you have to sacrifice time together. One thing that cannot be sacrificed is trust, without it, it's unhealthy to continue pursuit of the relationship. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 It is uncomfortable. Talk to him about it calmly and rationally, and if he says you need not worry, then try not to. It's hard. Work on building your own self esteem and confidence. Read my posts on the same stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 I have spoke with several male gynecologists, and they all say that examining women is nothing to them. They don't look at it in a sexual way. And they're seeing more than what your boyfriend is. So it IS possible that lifting girls up and touching doesn't mean as much as you think it does. Not all men are sex crazed. Believe it or not, you do have a choice. Either you deal with it or you let the relationship go if you feel you can't handle it. Why stress yourself out when you don't have to? That's not to say that you have to like it, but do your best to try to trust him. And build up your self-esteem for yourself. Stop worrying about what those other girls are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 I was in a LDR for a long time....he was in the military and not stateside very often. He wasn't even rubbing cheerleader bellies and I was 'jealous' over everyone who got to be close to him when I couldn't be.....and most of them were other soldiers. He expressed the same thing about the people who I was in contact with on a daily basis. So, I think it may come as part of the territory of the relationship. You want to be with them....and you can't.....so you resent those who can. Not in a bad way....but because you truly DO wish you were there to spend part of his daily routine together. I can see where the 'girly' thing aggravates you. I 'd feel the same way. BUT....he chose YOU...not one of them....and he knew THEM before he chose YOU. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he is mature and wise enough to know what he was looking for and feels he has found that in you. Not everyone wants a 'bru-ha-ha-pom-pom' girl. Don't let jealousy rob you of the happiness you should be feeling in the love you have found. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess Don't let jealousy rob you of the happiness you should be feeling in the love you have found. I can't agree with this statement more!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rubie Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 Thank you all so much. I 100% agree with everything you guys are saying. It's all just easier said than done. My jealousy problem... sheesh. Where to begin? Truth be told, I can't pin pointe the source of my jealousy and that makes it more difficult to isolate the problem and fix it. I think part of it is that I have been cheated on before and I have always had low self esteem. I am one of those girls who people say "Oh but you're so pretty" to and I'm like "you're just saying that to avoid hurting my feelings." I'm sure you all know my sort. I think even if I was really pretty, I would still be like that. -ok back to the topic- like I said, I could not agree more with all the points that have been made here. I would just love to know how exactly does one go through out the day with a million incoherent thoughts ravishing the mind and poisioning it with jealous and mistrusting thoughts? (sorry to overdramatize this whole thing, LoL) Depsite the way I may sound, I do trust this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Rubie, It DOESN'T sound to me like you are overdramatizing, because I HAVE BEEN THERE! It may sound like that to others, who don't get what it's like to have issues of insecurity, jealousy, obsessing etc. Look, it is up to you to fix you, BUT your guy can help. I got my guy to write down a list of all the stuff he loves about us...and I refer to it when I am having a bad moment. I must admit, it didn't help at first, but eventually it started to sink in. Don't badger your guy or push him away, it will erode trust and closeness. But explain to him calmly how tough this stuff is for you and try and be a bit jokey if you need to, but ask gently for a little help on the way. Then when armed with that, draw on your own resources, and make a list of all the things you love about you. OK, it may be hard, but pretend you are a friend to yourself, and be generous and write the list. Read it over too! If your guy doesnt want to write stuff down, or you dont want to ask, then make a list yourself of all the good things about your relationship and direct rational thoughts to beat down those awful jealous ones. Try and separate reality from the stuff that runs through your head. Because it is not the reality! Read some books from your library on self esteem too. And if you can't beat it yourself, perhaps chat with a counsellor. Good luck to you. I keep posting any new things I can think of which are helping me, in my thread in the self improvement section. You'll get there Rubie. Even if it takes time. And it's OK to have issues sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it. We all do our best. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 ... he works with the cheerleading squad at his college. His job is to hold up the girls while they do splits and all of that sort of thing. His claim is that it means nothing when he has to have his hands all over other girls’ legs, butts, stomachs, etc… However, I am having a hard time accepting this. From what I've seen of cheerleading these days, it looks almost dangerous in a way...nothing like back in the day when basically all one had to do was jump up and down, maybe do a split on to the floor and shake some serious pom-poms. I'm thinking your guy has to have some serious concentration while he's doing it or end up with a serious injury or two due to an accident. The thought that went thru my head was to think of him as a construction worker and think of the girls as parts of the building he's working on, steel girders for instance. He's just keeping enough of an eye on things to make sure one doesn't knock him down or something. I guess another way to look at it is to think of the whole squad as a professional sports team - heck, cheerleading is considered a competitive sport now, isn't it? Of course the team members are going to perform better if they get along with one another. Just trying to come up with something to help you de-stress about the situation itself. What everyone else has been offering about self esteem in general is so on target I couldn't possibly add to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rubie Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 thanks all;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author rubie Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 also: I have mentioned to him that it bothers me. I just don't want to bring it up again because I don't want to start conflict (which is something I have a habit of doing, unfortunately.) Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 As a guy, the whole cheerleading thing would be just a job. You met him while he was doing this, so like you said you shouldnt ask him to change. However the ex thing is another story. Granted he hasn't done anything to make you mistrust him but the opportunity, the threat is always there. You don't know what's going on since you are so far away. To some its easy to lie, and they can truly make you feel more secure just by a couple of words. You need to go with your gut instinct. Are there certain hours that you can't reach him by the phone? Has he ever gotten mad by you just making a random phone call to him? Has he discussed the whole ex issue with you in detail? Personally I dont think I could handle that situation. Yes you are to trust someone completely, but something like this would push my boundaries of insecurity. Do those to go out at all together? You have every right to ask him this, if you haven't already. There are people who will not tell you things unless you ask them first. To me that's lying, I also call it 'Truth Untold'. Has he talked about the future with you & what he's going to do after school, etc? Just keep your guard up. Link to post Share on other sites
DivaGirl Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 One of my best friends in the entire world is a cheerleader. She's 5'4", 108 pounds, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, absolutely beautiful. She works with my boyfriend (I got him the job through her). One time I went to visit them (it's a restaurant), and she was telling me how she was going to teach my boyfriend how to "stunt", because her own boyfriend wouldn't do it. Just disinterested or something. I was actually really excited about it! Maybe because then I know that if I ever come flying through midair out of nowhere, he'll know how to catch me. LOL Anyway, my boyfriend seemed to think it would be fun too, but not for any sexual reasons. He just thinks that ANYTHING resembling a sport which involves him showing off how muscular and strong he is is really cool. He still won't talk me into rappelling, but that's another story. Even though she's beautiful and works with him, I know that he'd never cheat on me, and I know that him hoisting her up or catching her wouldn't mean anything to him, except my fury if he dropped one of my best friends. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author rubie Posted January 23, 2004 Author Share Posted January 23, 2004 All of you have such good advice and encouraging stories to share with me. I really appreciate this. I am trying to deal with my jealousy: If I can't MASTER it, then at least I can subdue it somewhat to where it doesn't show up to him, ya know? I'll be okay with this, it's just the whole "stunt man for his ex" thing that irks me so. Maybe he will drop her on her head and she can't cheer any more... oh wait, that is mean! DOWN JEALOUSY MONSTER, DOWN!!!! (I don't wish bodily harm to that girl, really. Unless she were to try and steal him away and then she's fair game.) Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Okay, I'll admit it...I was a cheerleader. You want to know what cheerleaders are thinking when he has his hands on her a$$? HIM: Please don't fall...please don't fall...are my hands sweaty?...oh God...please don't fall... HER: Just smile...breathe...steady...if he drops me, I'll kick him in the nuts That's it! I swear. Cheerleading is a freakin' sport. When you are cheering, you don't think of anything else except getting the moves right. Doubly so when doing dangerous stunt work. Now as for off the field...I don't know what he's up to, but my guess is that your jealousy springs mostly from your own insecurities. Get counseling. It helps a lot. Take it from a former insecure cheerleader. Link to post Share on other sites
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